Regret and the Co-N

[sunblue]

Hi Everyone....

I have not been able to log in her as much as I would like because my dad has been critically ill for these last four months plus.  He is back in the hospital and will likely be released to rehab again next week.  For these past months, I have done the "night shift" staying with him as soon as I get off work and caring for him throughout the night.  I've been with him every single night which has left a lot of time to ponder.

While holding his hand and giving him back rubs these many days, I can't help but struggle with the issue of whether Co-Ns like my dad has been all his life with my seriously N MOm and N Sis has regrets.  Because of the major family dysfunction in my family (my oh so crazy N Sis has called the shots all our life and over the past 15 years have completely monopolized my parents, purposely disowning myself and my brother and his family; my dad and mom have spent literally every holiday, vacation, weekend and spare moment with her).

So, my question has been, at this stage in my dad's life when he has been so seriously ill and as I care for him every day (my mom does the day shift), is "Why doesn't he have any regrets about the way he allowed my Mom to behave towards us and indeed with which he went along?  Why did he not miss having his second daughter, only son and only granddaughter in his life? Why now does he not even mention it or explain his actions? 

I've always understand that the N (in this case Mom and Sis) are seriously ill (although they are fully aware of their actions)....but how can the Co-N not have any reqrets about the losses he's had due to this behavior?  I can only surmise that (in my family's case) my sibling and I and my niece were never important enough to him; hence he did not miss us or need to fight for us.

It is heartbreaking to know this and to realize that at even this stage there is no remorse, no regret, no explanation, no guilt associated with his participation in the horrible pain that we, as children of Ns, endured.

This health crisis has been so hard on so many levels.  I know my N mom is using me....because I'm the only one that will devote every night being with my dad while I continue to work during the say.  My N sis flits in on the weekend making a big show to all the doctors and nurses, and my bro has completely distanced himself from all of us.  I am trying to brace myself for what will come in a few short weeks...my dad will hopefully be released home and my Nsis now will dictate the visiting schedule which is to say she will be parked at the house all weekend, eliminating the possibility for myself and my bro to visit).  My parents will still spend every weekend with her; the location will just change.

During this crisis, I have realized I have no family, nor will have any family.  My bro has established his own form of narcissism (albeit a less toxic form); my N mom and N sis will continue their evil partnership and my dad will dote even more on my N mom who has played the "martyr" role so well.....And, as always, I will have no place within that clan.  It's really sobering to me to know that when my time comes and I get sick and need help, there will be no one there to hold my hand, or comfort me or chase down a nurse to get pain medication.

In many ways, it's been a really lonely four months.  It's sad to know those people you've invested so much in have and have always had absolutely no interest in investing in you.

So why do Co-Ns have no regrets?

[Izzy_*now*]

hi sunblue,

I wonder how many other men you know as closely as you "see your Dad".

At this point in time I realize that I never knew my mother and father, yet I was 46 when my Dad died, 1986, and 56 when my mother died, 1994. I had absolutely nothing kind or loving to say to either one, as I had never felt those feelings from them from the time I can remember. It was a duty that made me attend the funerals but I didn't cry, because if I lost anything, I didn't know what it was, since my life continued on without any gaps.

To hold your Dad's hand and give him a backrub is FAR more than I could ever conceive, with MY father.

Major family dysfunction for me is that i have chosen to stay away from the toxic ones. That makes life more contented for me.

As much as I know my brother cares for me, he is a man, and I think that most men are not able to be as open and honest about their feelings, as women can be. The first man who ever opened up to me and shared ........................was the N reeling me in!

I went to see my Dad at their home where Mom was caring for him in his last 3 months of life. Prostate cancer... and the day before he died. He was skin over a skeleton and could not talk. I have no recollection what I might have said, but I know my mother sat outside the bedroom door and I felt she was wondering if I might be "vicious" with Dad in his last living hours. I wasn't. I never could be, even as a child. However when I went to the hospital to see him, before this, to sign his Tax Return, I just asked him to sign the Return and I left. I didn't talk either as I was afraid of what I might say.

There is a special connection between people who can share their feelings. That is something I have just learned, for a fact, and everything I have learned in life has been too late!
I have no family now, either, with both parents dead, and only 1 of 4 siblings who emails me. she has cancer and is getting well This has been since Sept/10 and her last chemo is Mar 1/11. My accident was Mar 27/09 and I am still healing but we have some side effects in common, i.e tired/sleepy/weary/. When she came out to see mt in April/10, I "demanded, if you will" that we talk about our feelings, and not superficial crap! Now we do!

My physical therapist is my best friend now, plus my POA and Executor,. She has been through the pain thing extensively, and is now a registered Rehabilitation Assistant, and just received her Yoga instruction licence,  and has just had the opportunity to start her own "Special Spa" in a nursing home with a spare room and bathroom. She is doing great and everyone loves her.

She does not hestitate to ask me about my living will and she knows that after 2 disabling accidents, if I have anything that will "do me in" let them pull the plug! all the papers attest to this.

She has an N mother who she has not seen for 18 years, so understands, and her husband has N parents, right here in town, so I understand everything she bi*ches about when the weekend is over. We can hear it in each other's voices and spot it on each other's faces. I am amazed at how well we connect!

Maybe all this palaver is just to say that many people are just too reserved to display their emotions, or might not even know they have feelings, or might not know the proper time to express them.

I hope you are feeling better
Good Luck
Izzy

[Hopalong]

((((((((Izz)))))))))

There is a special connection between people who can share their feelings. That is something I have just learned, for a fact, and everything I have learned in life has been too late!

No it's not, Izz.

Your PT is something new in your life. She is PHamily.

I am your PHriend. 

It was not too late. You HAVE shared feelings, been real, learned so incredibly much (and you are still learning), suffered, shown immense courage and humility, been brave beyond belief, persevered, acknowledged limits and mistakes, stayed open, and have not given up.

Hello? You are not an example of "too late", Izz.

You are an example of "right here, right now". And you are a valuable human being.

Nothing about you is a waste, nothing about your expanding heart is too late.

Biofamily? It will all absorb in the big picture--for all of us.

But you have created more phamily than you know.

with love to you,

Hops

[sunblue]

Hi Izzy.

Thanks so much for sharing your personal story.....I'm not sure if it's a question that some people are capable of sharing feelings while others are not.  I think it may come easier for some than others....but all are capable....I think it is another form of selfishness for those to hold back the sharing of feelings or emotions....to not share those meaningful thoughts is being neglectful, particularly in a bio family scenario.

I'm glad you have found a physical therapist who has turned out to be a family substitute.  I envy your sense of acceptence and calmness around your parents...especially during your dad's health crisis.....Is all this learning too late?  It feels that way sometimes.....But I think it speaks to the depth of the narcissism in one's family....the deeper and more painful it has been, the longer it takes to understand and come to terms with it.  In the end, we endure the losses....and blaming ourselves for not "getting it" earlier would be one more misfortune that we should not unncessarily place on ourselves.  After all, when you grow up within this toxic environment and this is all you know, how would you know any different to change it?