Hey Discounted! No fair! No Fair!
No comprende! (I only know limited Spanish) LOL
Hi Elephant woman,
I would rather call you something else- something working towards how you would like to see yourself- a part of yourself you might like to bring out? "Deer Woman"?
I understand the pain you must be feeling with this internal dilemma.
I used to feel uncomfortable with how others perceived me because it didn’t match how I felt inside. I never felt like the figure that others saw. I felt like I was living a lie. I have a healthy dose of masculine in me – an aspect of my personality I used to want to hide.
If you were to meet me in person you would see a very feminine woman, delicate, fragile, quite female. But I am much more than that. Inside I am muscular, and angular, resilient and capable, a rather hairy beast if I have to be. I don’t operate within the spectrum of my perceived femininity.
I honestly don’t feel either feminine or masculine- I feel like me.
When I was about seven years old, I had this Princess Halloween mask that I often played with. I remember that yearning to look like this Princess, to feel the prettiness and femininity of this princess. I was attracted to friends that had long pretty hair- to me that signified the femininity I so longed to feel for myself. My mother had kept my hair in a pixie cut for her convenience. I had felt butchered.
My father never treated me as if he cherished his little girl, never held me or fussed over me. He treated me like I was just a brain, a brain to be inputted, to be programmed. His little computer.
I think he was scared of me and my sister’s femaleness. I offered up a masculine, cerebral side for him to feel comfortable and to gain his acceptance and approval, if not love. Even with this, he only threw me occasional crumbs of acknowledgement.
My mother on the other hand was very young at my birth and experiencing her own beauty and there was apparently none to share. She was to be Queen Bee.
So I grew up brainy, in a female body I couldn’t relate to. I would study with envy my girlfriends who were so natural with their bodies, especially during puberty, who were excited at the changes they were experiencing. I just felt strong shame and embarrassment. And I went through a terrible time of real physical ugliness. Awkward and ugly in every way.
I have forever avoided mirrors and cameras! I especially avoid cameras, which capture a moment into a frozen forever. What they capture in me is that deer - in - the - headlights look!
Eventually I realized that I
was what I had wished so much as a child to be, I
was quite feminine, but by then the time to have that incorporated into my being as a natural unquestioned awareness, was past. What I wanted wasto be that girl who
was unquestioning in her femaleness.
With men, I had always felt that they would find out the truth of me- and seek a more truly female woman. I plowed through these feelings with a wonderful man in my life who I felt I could trust to see all my sides. I learned from him that men really want a well rounded woman. Not the cupcake version of womanhood that my insecure little self envisioned as superior to myself.
Personally, now I am glad. Through this questioning I have found my own femininity- but not the kind portrayed through the media.
I have like Flower said, split and cut my own wood, I have learned to fix my own car, I have stepped out into the realms of a mans world whenever I felt I had to take care of my own needs- instead of relying on a man.
Bunny- You can repair it by getting to know about your feminine aspects, exploring them, and seeing if there's any fun to be had there.
When I moved into my current home, my first home to myself for years, I let myself decorate it just the way I felt most reflected my tastes. My bedroom is a mix of dark stained pine furniture dressed with pink and ruffle, with one of those mosquito nettings over the bed, and - how daring! - a long graceful arched mirror on the opposite wall at the foot of my bed. This room is a nice mix of both warm comforting masculine and light fluffy feminine. I love it.
Good luck in unfolding your feminine side - I am sure it is fully there. Don't let your mom get in your way. It sounds like it is up to you to take back what has been yours all along. Phoenix
