I understand weary, Hops.... especially this kind. It's what I was telling GS - it's not our fault (maybe it's no one's fault) - that we didn't learn or get what we needed as children.
And you're doing pretty good, I think... in putting one foot in front of the other despite being scared. I can relate to that, too. Fortunately for you - you're pretty much past having to deal with your Bro; I'm on the edge of seeing just how far one can push an N toward the "middle ground" of compromise on some financial business. As you know, this "confronting the lion in it's den" action tends to add a mask layer over the rest of life... like a fuzzy filter that dims and dampens all the OTHER things in reality that could balance the task at hand and provide some relief/comfort.... with only the center of the picture, in terrible, stomach-wrenching focus.
Well, I need all those things in the rest of life that get fuzzed out - the flowers, the sun, driving with the top down - in order to even get my brain working properly, to be able to feel centered in myself and not always running for cover/hiding/reacting out of anger.... or even turning that anger unfairly at myself. I am completely, to-the-bone-weary of always being the one who "gives way" in any dispute with my Bro... and I've let it go hoping that he would come to his senses, in time. He hasn't and now I have no choice except to say: this is what I need, I need it now, and you can't tell me what to do with my share of the 50-50 resources at hand. To your NO - here is my YES, and here are the facts - whether you understand them or not; whether you understand the reality of them and the consequences of your NO. Because you don't have the final say... you don't have real control... so here are your options for a compromise and they will benefit you, as well.
Makes my legs go all jello-y. Makes me hyperventilate. Keeps me talking to Twiggy laying awake at night... running the same old crap through my head one more time, hoping I find something I missed before. NOPE - I got it the first time... so what this is, is precisely my inner child's fear of breaking that taboo of looking out for me, enforcing a boundary about "control" with my bro, and caregiving my self - instead of caretaking him to protect the world from his inner monster. My poor child quivers at the thought of this, loses her connection to the physical reality all around her, can't think in a linear fashion - except to run the same old tapes over & over again... which will progressively put her - and me - in an overwrought state of anxiety and stress. I don't function there.
I ain't goin' there again. Life happens - and even when it involves Ns - it's absolutely the most important thing to remember that their idea of their own power and control.... IS AN ILLUSION. Follow that up, with a heavy daily dose of detoxifying mantras: that even if they think it is "all about them".... in reality - it's only my allowing it to be all about them (the fear of speaking up and the outrage at their illness and the anger at myself for not being superwoman & perfect & heading him off at the pass) that keeps returning me the same exact results of trying to deal with them. They live in a delusion world that doesn't have any other people in it that matter... like I described about fuzzy filters, their focus is only on them. I don't live there now and I won't go back there again...
but I will, if I don't draw a line in the sand... say "time's up" - decide now... and be absolutely ready to back up my request with facts, figures, blessings from others... and an introduction to the reality of what 50-50 ownership means in regards to control.... and it's NOT what he thinks it is!! He sees this only in terms of 1 winner/1 loser... he doesn't have any experience of what win-win is... nor the functional fundamentals of compromise. His "fairness" only benefits him.
Twiggy needs to hear me loud and clear - that this is the best way to protect her and that in reality, there is no place safe from the misery and pain of giving away control of what is mine.... UNLESS, one stands up for oneself in a reasonable, fair manner. And I know she can do it; I know what she's made of - steel - but my bro doesn't know this or has forgotten. And yes, Hops - I have been seen as "overly sensitive" as a child too and retreated to the safe distance of books between me and emotions. But I truly believe that claiming those emotions as me... and then identifying what my self-interest is, based on that emotional intelligence (we do think with feelings... I want/don't want)... and developing and carrying out a strategy to protect that self interest would prove a point about overly sensitive not being the same as "weak", "no boundaries", malleable, a doormat... a puppet of someone's else wants projected on me.
Au contraire... real strength comes from being able to be that sensitive and to balance that with common sense, fairness, and the "common good". Amber's "middle path"... I guess you could call it. (Why do I all of sudden feel like a Hobbit?)
Anyhoo... hang in there!! It will be OK - because you care about the right things. We've interrupted Penny's train of thought... apologies Penny!! (Sometimes I just get carried away... and this has been bubbling up like witch's brew for some days now.)