Phoenix, yes, I hear you! Our house was very odd when I was young. My mum and dad - real dad - had separate bedrooms from when I was about five or six. I never saw them even sitting on the sofa together, let alone touching or kissing. My dad was very old fashioned - I never saw him in anything other than trousers and a shirt. The only flesh he ever showed were his hands and face. I never saw or heard him use the bathroom, or saw him in pyjamas or a dressing grown. In fact, that isn't strictly true, the one time I saw him in his dressing gown was when he was in the hospital dying - and even then he wouldn't let us go in until he'd got up and put his dressing gown and slippers on over his pyjamas.
My mum's relationship with my step-dad was entirely sexual. They had very loud, very frequent sex when they first got together, for about the first six months. My step-dad constantly walked around in the nude, with an erection. He made frequent comments about sex and women in general. He used to take us to the video shop and hire porn whilst we browsed the children's section and he brought porn magazines into the house. He used to buy my mum sexy underwear which she then used to give to me - weird. They had books about sex on the bookcase in the hall and it was just in your face the whole time - both literally and metaphorically! My sister told me once that they'd had sex on the floor in the front room while she was sleeping on the sofa - the noise woke her up. She'd have been about ten at the time, maybe even younger.
So I guess they were like male versions of the virgin/whore stereoptype? My dad was completely sexless almost - there was nothing about him that was anything other than 'dad' like. My step dad was like a rutting elephant - his whole world revolved around it and because of that, ours did too. I found it impossible to say no to a man who wanted sex, regardless of whether or not I wanted to. Until I was in my late twenties I had never had sex sober. After I got pregnant with my son I stopped drinking - and then found sex was a real problem, and so attempted it less and less. I've never had what I'd call healthy sex - two people, on an equal footing, playing an equal part in something that is loving and pleasurable. I've never felt comfortable around men. I'm always anticipating them making a move, which of course will be my fault. If/when they don't, it's because I'm too fat, too ugly, too lazy, too boring, too demanding, etc etc. There's something wrong with me because I'm not being what they want and that's why they don't want me. So I always have this act thing going on - trying to be friendly without being too friendly, responding to what they do without thinking about how it makes me feel, completely unable to just see a man as a man - just chat, share some time, without it meaning 'something' or it being some sort of a big deal. I think that's what I want to work on next - getting past all that c**p, seeing men, as you say, as individuals - good points, bad points but real and in the here and now. Does any of that make sense?? Lol!
Had a good session with my T today. She's great.
