I read with interest a recent post by Judith Acosta about narcissism and why it’s difficult for “nice” and “good” people to say “no” to them. Much of what she said rang so true for me. She notes that because those of us raised by or involved with Ns are emotionally more vulnerable or fragile for a variety of reasons, we’re more susceptible to Narcissistic predators who treat us badly. As a result, we feel unloved or unworthy…and the more we feel unworthy, the less likely we are to set limits and say “no”.
I’ve found this to be so true. It’s pathetic but I’ve been afraid of saying “no” to the Ns in my life (mother, mostly) because of a fear that she’ll pull what few “crumbs” of pseudo-love or approval she doles out (which I realize is nothing at all). In our culture of narcissists, when we say “no”, we must face the prospect of literally being alone.
Narcissists are very controlling----what they want is paramount in any relationship. They don’t accept “no” easily because, as Acosta notes, it threatens their self-worth or plan. They will lie, charm, or manipulate their way to get what they want. Or they will rage resulting in bodily or emotional harm.
But those of us who aren’t Ns have a conscience and often an increased sense of guilt.
Ultimately, for me, it is that holding out for a sliver of hope that they will acknowledge, appreciate or care about us. It will never happen. So, instead, it’s about setting limits which are naturally difficult for the non-N, knowing the consequences of saying “no”.
