Hey ((((((((PR))))))))))
This is a very, very tough time for you. I don't think there's anything strange at all about how hard and turbulent it is. Because warts and all, you're about to lose your mother. Anticipatory grief. And the grief, also, is for the TRULY unfinished business...in the sense of you grieving the mothering you needed, and though you rationally have known for a
long time she isn't capable of giving it, that really doesn't have anything to do with how your grieving self is feeling about the coming finality of that possibility being forever and permanently closed.
I am still obsessed with "them"... there's little real action I can take.
These things jumped out at me as true and helpful and honest. The obsession is a signal for self-care (if you haven't had massages in a while, maybe you need one every other week--I've found it can take several before my body begins to accept healing touch or benefit, but then when it does begin, what a relief). But thinking about them? How could you not. Just notice and expand the moments when you let Amber-life, Hubby-life, ocean-life be present with you, show you its own beauty. It's still there and you are not going to lose what's good, dear.
The little action you can take is right SMACK in the face of your ability to take charge, be competent, analyse, assess, and solve. Control. It is both your talent and your fear-place and in this situation, you can't retreat to it.
Ditto everything GS said, so wisely and kindly. It's not mombro who are hurting you, it's Amber.
Fierceness and anger may help in a rigid way, to keep up the boundaries you need. Another thing to think about is that anger always covers either hurt or fear. Or both.
In a safe place, in safe arms, in a safe setting, maybe those need to come out a little every day. Not WITH mombro, but about them, in a caring and tender space where you, Amber, all of you, are accepted and loved unconditionally. Maybe by that I mean, not alone. Have you checked out a kind T in the area? A grief counselor? (You're still grieving over MIL, you know. And here comes another. This is pretty hard stuff. You are strong as hell, of course, but your psyche is still taking some big blows. Recoverable, learnable, healable. But surely if there was any time for a compassionate listener ftf, to supplement your support, it's now.)
There is NO managing end-of-life issues with an Nparent perfectly.
I also think I heard a chime of guilt, in there. Perhaps your artist side is really the only one who can express your love for your mother now. If the pragmatics are going to be all twisted by their own fears, and you can't do anything about how they interpret things if they're determined to see them "wrong"--you can still put paint to paper, and make cards to mail her that come from the true child heart. Your grief and love can reach her, and leave her knowing more than she knows she knows about you.
And that you would never regret. You'll never know how the sheer magic of opening something someone has made for you with their own hand, affects a heart.
with compassion, with a lot of love,
Hops
