I have become acquainted with a couple of young men who work at a coffee shop/newsstand recently. On Sunday, in a conversation with one of them he said how much he enjoyed our conversations. Later that morning I found myself deeply moved. His comment really struck a chord. I have been so lonely and so alone for so many years with noone to have indepth conversations with, no one who really enjoyed a back and forth. I have felt so rejected and so alone. And even though i have written about it here it was his remark that hit me hard an hour or so later. It actually opened the flood gates to how terribly alone I am and unbearably lonely I am.
yesterday my child sang in a concert. I was not as early as most of the parents because I had to go pick up his black trousers which he had left at my mothers a few weeks back. Because I have no one else to help out, I could not "hold" a seat so when I got back it was first of all very difficult to even find my son and then very diffficult to find a place to sit where I could see him (even though I was a full 1/2 hour before the concert began.) The loneliness was so deep and so bitter. I caught myself wishing my father were alive and then immediately recognizing that he wouldn't have come if he were and I wouldn't have wanted him to anyway. I didn't even have to look around to see that other children had parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts cousins and on and on. It is a miserable feeling to be so all alone.
I have been thinking or remembering how my father would be certain to put me last in most/any situation. One memory that highlights that came when I was 6 years old. I had fallen from the 2nd floor to the first - right over the banister and landed face first. I was hospitalized with a concussion and broken jaw. The first night I spent on a large ward but the second night I was moved to a semi-private room, in the bed closest to the door. That afternoon my father came to visit after work. He brought a gift. But when he opened the door he didn't stop at my bed but kept on going - to the child in the bed next to me. I couldn't see her because there was a separating curtain. he brought the gift to her. he didn't know her. But I have always attributed it to his "sense of duty" to always do things for others and not for ones self and that would include his children.
I recall later as my brothers and I began graduating from college he told us he would not help us find a job. He didn't help us do anything as a matter of fact - but he did help many others. he would help his friends children. In fact, I have a cousin on my mother's side - my maternal grandmother's 1st cousin's son - who recently (after my father's death) mentioned how helpful my father had been to him in getting into law school. (This cousin is very bright and his father and grandfather were both judges. He truly didn't need help but was glad to get it.) But my father would never have helped me - inany way - no matter how much I needed it.
My mother is similar only she would have no help to offer.
My son and I had told my mother about his concert a few weeks ago. She doesn't keep a calendar and didn't remember. We didn't remind her because honestly we didn't want her to come. When she used to come to his Christmas concerts at his school she would say such embarrassing things. It was dreadful. And naturally, the getting in and out of the venue would be more than a chore. Being with her is one of the loneliest things I can do. It is beyond dreadful.
