Can I ask another question?

[Twoapenny]

Phoenix I've had a couple of times when it's been like you describe - both times to do with being abused and both times it seemed to come out of nowhere and it was the whole thing - the memory, the feelings and the emotion (terror, primarily) all at once.  A long time ago now, though, and nothing like that since, so I don't know what to make of that but tend not to think about it too much - I am trying to go with the 'take it as it comes approach' these days.  Glad you are doing okayish and hope you get some lady of leisure time soon

I have finished Addiction to Love, was very good and definitely something to keep dipping back into, I think.  I recognised a lot of myself in parts of it, although I think (thankfully) none of it was a suprise, I was aware of the things I've done in the past, just in that odd state of not really knowing what to do instead.  I am still in two minds about new possible chap.  He seems to do an awful lot for other people that doesn't seem to be appreciated or even needed, judging by some of the things he's told me.  Very much like myself until relatively recently, to be honest!  More like him needing to be needed than actually being needed, possibly.  Difficult because the knowing when to speak and when to say nothing about that sort of thing is a skill I am still practising so I've found it a bit difficult to know how to respond.  He's also told me today that he might not be able to come down when he'd said he would.  I just have that niggling feeling that it's fantasy rather than anything that might actually happen.  But I am not going to do anything - I am focusing on myself, eating well, resting, I'm doing my house up a little bit at a time, seeing a bit more of my friends than I used to and I think the time has come to try and find some sort of out of the house hobby I can do without my son once a week - a little evening class or exercise group, something like that.  Money's always a problem but where there's a will there's a way and all that!  But I think it important to focus on me - if he slots in that's great, if not then maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway?

[Twoapenny]

I've been thinking about this more since I posted.  I am aware that I pull away from nice guys - I'm pre-disposed to men that treat me badly.  I'm aware that the possibility of an actual relationship frightens me so I often pull away if it looks like I might actually get what I keep saying I want.  Those two things keep me in a quandry when I meet a guy and start having negative feelings - I never know whether it's self sabotage or instinct telling me to get out.  But what struck me a little while ago is that this guy is making me feel like I don't matter.  It's been two months since I went to visit him.  He should have been down here by now.  I am worth making that journey for, and I do think for the first time in my life I really mean that.  To tell me today that he might not be coming is wrong - worse than if he'd told me he definitely isn't, because 'maybe' leaves it all up in the air.  I don't like that feeling, it makes me feel insecure, which in turn is what makes me feel like I don't matter.  He should have got this organised by now.  Someone else said in the thread that his actions don't match his words.  I think I see that more clearly now.

I'm not going to cancel on him, just in case I'm wrong about this and I am pulling away for no reason.  If he comes down I'll meet with him as arranged and see how I feel after that.  If he doesn't come then I think I will look on this as a good experience - I've had some really good chats with a guy I enjoy talking to.  I've shown myself I can do proper conversations with men.  I've listened to little niggling worries, been honest with him, given him the chance to change the situation if necessary.  These are all things I've never done before so this has been a good thing at least in terms of practise if nothing else! 

[ann3]

But what struck me a little while ago is that this guy is making me feel like I don't matter.  It's been two months since I went to visit him.  He should have been down here by now.  I am worth making that journey for, and I do think for the first time in my life I really mean that.  To tell me today that he might not be coming is wrong - worse than if he'd told me he definitely isn't, because 'maybe' leaves it all up in the air.  I don't like that feeling, it makes me feel insecure, which in turn is what makes me feel like I don't matter.  He should have got this organised by now.  Someone else said in the thread that his actions don't match his words.  I think I see that more clearly now.

 

Right on, girl!  YOU are worth it! 

[teartracks]

To tell me today that he might not be coming is wrong - worse than if he'd told me he definitely isn't, because 'maybe' leaves it all up in the air.

Two,

He sounds a bit the Euphemist.  How to say what you don't mean?

tt   

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Ann!  The Betrayal Bond arrived today.  Read a few pages tonight - explosive stuff!  He says right at the beginning that it's a book that many find difficult to read.  He's mentioned childhood abuse three times and he's hit the nail on the head on each occasion (where I'm concerned, at least).  Very powerful stuff.  Think it will be very useful.  Thank you.

TT, yes, I think you're right!  I don't get the sense with him that it's just a line or sweet talk - I think he probably thinks he means it when he says it but that he's got a sort of imaginary thing going on that doesn't fit with the real thing?  Ie the idea of what he's talking about appeals to him but he's not willing/able to follow it through and make it happen?  I just think I need to work on filling my life up with other 'stuff' a bit more, so that there isn't a great yawning chasm that should/could be filled a bit with hobbies, friends, nice long walks and so on.  Another project to work on!

[ann3]

Hi Two,

Betrayal Bond is a heavy read, but, it's incredibly enlightening.  I think it shows that so much of our negative self image & our under valuing of ourselves was foisted upon us by other people & that we can free ourselves.  I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.

Regarding this guy, sounds like you are really listening to your gut feelings, questioning "why do I feel this way?" & then figuring out the situation based on your gut & instincts.  That's wonderful.  One way we became voiceless was because our parents did not allow us to act upon our gut feelings & instinct.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ann,

Thank you, yes, I think you're right.  I talked it through with my T yesterday as well, she asked me a few more questions, gave me a couple of "what if" scenarios and she thinks I'm handling it okay as well.  I think what's different is that usually I make an immediate attachment, then tie myself in knots fitting around what the other person wants/needs with no sense of who I am or what I want.  I think this way is more like it's supposed to be - I've spent some time getting to know him without getting involved or making a commitment (or sleeping with him), I've paid attention to a couple of warning signs, been honest with him, given him the chance to make some changes and then realised he's not for me - I think this is how it's supposed to be?

I didn't contact him yesterday - I didn't want to be the one pushing it or moulding it, I wanted to see what he would do without any input from me (and without me influencing it, something that struck me from what I've read in The Betrayal Bonds is that I can manipulate as well, so I want to be aware of that).  He sent me a text in the evening which was quite confusing and I didn't really understand, so all I texted back was that I didn't understand what he meant and I've heard nothing since.  I'm just going to leave it and concentrate on myself today, I've had a terrible headache for three days now so I'm hoping it will go and I will start feeling normal again!

Thank you, everybody

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

This is turning into a bit of a stream of consciousness thread for me at the mo so sorry about that but another thought occured!

I have heard from him today several times and I can see the pattern emerging now - funny how you can see things once they're pointed out to you!

We had the scenario a couple of weeks ago where I explained I wasn't happy and I got reassurances, declarations of deep feelings and promises of change.  Nothing has changed, hence my pulling back again at the moment.  He's done the same thing again, lots of messages about how much he likes me and wants to see me, how he is hoping he'll be down next week because he wants it more than anything and so on.  I have said that he seems to talk about things a lot but not actually do them which he said is probably true - but still didn't do anything!  There have been a couple on what he's lost and how sad he is that he's such an idiot and let me go.  I've just said that there's no hard feelings but I don't think it's the right time for us, just one of those things and no need to worry about it.  It's a shame, I think if he sorted himself out a bit he'd be a really nice guy but my days of waiting for guys to sort themselves out are behind me and I want one now that is already sorted!  Or at least well on the way!

I've made enquiries about dance classes; I really need to start doing something for myself so that would be a good place to start.  I feel better than I have for a couple of weeks which is funny when you don't realise something's been weighing on your mind until it's not there anymore!!

[Hopalong]

How's A Fine Romance going?

That book, more than any other, helped me be healthier about the will-he won't-he of early stages and also helped me not obsess, which turned out to be the main indicator of why I hadn't been in healthy relationships...

xo

Hops

[BonesMS]

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I can relate to what you're dealing with.

Lately, I have gotten a bit busier with things that interest me and didn't bother to tell Mr. Idiot where I'm going, where I've gone, and what I'm involved with.  Suddenly, he's gotten more attentive and using his pet names for me i.e. "Darling" and "Sweetheart"!  HUH?!?!?     *Scratching head*

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, it hasn't arrived yet, there's been a bit of a muddle with the order so it should be here next week, looking forward to getting stuck in to it!

Bonesie, I think reading 'Addiction to Love' made me realise that there is a lot missing from my life that I am hoping will be filled up by a man.  I'm in a bit of a muddle, as I expect many of us are, because I've done my best to get rid of all the toxic people from my life but I haven't replaced them all with non-toxic ones yet! So I think I really need to work on getting a hobby and meeting some new people and work on getting myself feeling better about myself without worrying about getting a guy all the time.  Something in The Betrayal Bonds rang a bell for me as well, when he talks about wanting the story or the promise, and then ignoring the warning signs because the possibility of the promise coming true is too good to give up.  I think I'm a bit like that, I think in the back of my mind I have this thing that someone is going to come along and make me feel complete.  So I think I need to give up on that idea, accept that I have been damaged and may always have to work on myself and tweak bits about here and there and just concentrate on meeting people who might not offer me the world but may at least turn up when they say they will and be interested in some sort of two way communication between us.  What I have noticed about my recent almost chap is that, having declared four days ago that he was crazy about me and wanted to see me more than anything else in the world, he has lost interest terribly fast since I have told him I wasn't prepared to keep waiting for him to come down despite my saying that I'd really like to stay friends and stay in touch.  Has helped me to see that I did the right thing, this time anyway!!

Hope you continue with your new out and about approach

[BonesMS]

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I can SO RELATE to your insights!!!  As I was reading, every fiber of my being was saying:  "YEAH!!!!!!"

Bones

[Twoapenny]

Hey Bonesie, I wish I could relate to my own insights!!  Lol, my brain is fine with it all but all my pre-programmed bits have got other ideas!!  I find it hard knowing where the lines are - the line between being patient and taking it as it comes and being a mug, or the line between being assertive or being unreasonable, knowing whether my reactions are reasonable or if they're being pushed by other, much older things that have happened in the past, knowing whether alarm bells are healthy indicators of problems or my messed up 'you must never be happy' system trying to mess things up.  I spend soooo much time thinking about things and trying to make the right, healthy choices - and then often end up not being sure if I've done the right thing or not.  My head is so messy inside!!  Lol.  Never mind, keep working on it!

[BonesMS]

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[Twoapenny]

Thanks Bonesie ((((((((((((((Bonesie)))))))))))))))))))))))

I've spent the whole rest of the day having a complete meltdown.  I have no idea whether what is in my head is me, my family, my counsellor (who at times like this I stop trusting and start wondering if she's just out to get me like everyone else).  I can't separate my thoughts from my feelings, daren't get it wrong, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells the whole time just to get through the day, trying to avoid triggers, bad memories, bad feelings, eating or drinking the wrong things, walking or talking the wrong way, spending money, not spending money, staying in, going out - it's like there's not one thing in my life that I know is me, or that I know is right or true or just.  It gets into such a jumble and I cried and cried and cried but I don't even know why.  I'm massively doubting the situation with this chap now, I've no idea whether I've handled the whole thing the right way or not, I've no idea what the right way is!!!  And my book still hasn't arrived!  Why do I do this to myself?  Times like this I just want to hug my mum because I feel like I really see inside her bat shit crazy head and I can see how she got where she is - she was like this one too many times and her brain just shut it all down so she could cope.  It makes me feel like my heart is being torn out again.  Sorry.  Rambling on xxx