Thanks Bonesie ((((((((((((((Bonesie)))))))))))))))))))))))
I've spent the whole rest of the day having a complete meltdown. I have no idea whether what is in my head is me, my family, my counsellor (who at times like this I stop trusting and start wondering if she's just out to get me like everyone else). I can't separate my thoughts from my feelings, daren't get it wrong, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells the whole time just to get through the day, trying to avoid triggers, bad memories, bad feelings, eating or drinking the wrong things, walking or talking the wrong way, spending money, not spending money, staying in, going out - it's like there's not one thing in my life that I know is me, or that I know is right or true or just. It gets into such a jumble and I cried and cried and cried but I don't even know why. I'm massively doubting the situation with this chap now, I've no idea whether I've handled the whole thing the right way or not, I've no idea what the right way is!!! And my book still hasn't arrived! Why do I do this to myself? Times like this I just want to hug my mum because I feel like I really see inside her bat shit crazy head and I can see how she got where she is - she was like this one too many times and her brain just shut it all down so she could cope. It makes me feel like my heart is being torn out again. Sorry. Rambling on xxx