Antagonising her own child

[Nonameanymore]

Devastated maybe.
NM would not pay for my education. Father was a cinematographer. Got the gene. Had ballet scholarship, NM said I was suffering a burnout and made me lose it when very young. Education was practically illegal in our house. Valedictorian up to age 15, then she changed me schools 2 times till end of high school with the excuse that I would do drugs if I stayed in the private school (I turned 41 on 1st May and have not taken any drugs so far). When I left home at 25, 16 years ago, I begin my studies like crazy. I studied from theatre and screenwriting, to counselling and lifecoaching. And I struggled with accomplishment for reasons I will not state here because it would take a book (I did a book, it's been published in December finally). I was talented. Not in an N way but according to my ballet teacher, then the Greek Literature teacher who told NM that I was good in writing. She didn't want to hear it.

Last year I got the biannual abusive email from NM in which she stated that to 'enter my spirit' (Greek expression), creepy, creepy as hell, she enrolled in cinema class, graduated and shot 'a bunch of movies'. I thought she was just being grandiose. (NB: she is filthy rich).

NC since 95. 3 days ago I dreamed that she died and looked her up online. Not only did she actually studied cinema, she also shot two shorts, and she has a youtube channel. Aged 60.

What is this? I can do it better than you? Look what would have happened if I loved you and funded your studies like all parents do?

I have mixed feelings. This is low, even for her.
I know there are stories all over the world about talented kids thriving against all odds, fighting adversity etc. BUT, my personal opinion is that these kids suffered other setbacks and not lack of love. Maybe the kids didn't have the financial support but they had their parents' moral support. They were there for them, praising them at the tiniest success. NM was actually getting angry if somebody dared praise me.

Ok. I procrastinate and spend way too much time feeling sorry for myself. But I also spent 10 years going around the world trying to avoid her, maybe even running away from her (long story, she sued me twice, defames quite often so she shuts all doors and stops every help available - last summer she sent me a trojan/virus and destroyed my laptop).

I'll stop here.

Thanks for reading

[Nonameanymore]

(ah, yes: in the same email she wrote something like 'oh, come on honey, you know you will never make any money, come home to me and I will buy you a massive 4X4.
When I told her to go to hell, she emailed me saying that this is no way for a child to talk to her mommy and suggested/diagnosed that I was bipolar. She does have an extensive video on being bipolar on her youtube channel (when I was still living with her, 18 years ago, her therapist confirmed that she was bipolar).

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((Persephone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That POISONOUS NWomb-Donor is NOTHING but a @#$%!  That NMomster needs to ROT IN HELL!!!!   

Bones

[teartracks]

Hi Persephone,

Congratulations on your book publication.  Not a bad accomplishment!  I'm glad you have joined us again here .  

There are some personality traits/disorders/diseases that defy a principled discussion.  I started a list, it get's longer.  In my opinion, if any of these are flaring, it's better to exit the situation, put the issue at hand behind you and let a professional step in.  Anger, rebellion, active drug and alcohol abusers, mental illnesses/disease/disorders, arrogance, verbal abuse, physical abuse, self-pity, self-centeredness, drama queens etc.  There are exceptions to every rule of course, but when in doubt, save self.

tt



  

[Twoapenny]

Persephone, congrats on the book, massive achievement

What you've said about spending ten years trying to get away from her really rang a bell with me.  I'm in my late thirties now and I swear virtually all of my time and energy for most of my life went into my mum - doing what she wanted for decades, trying to be myself without her finding out for a while and then suffering the onslaught when I finally stood up to her and told her no.  I've been actively working on myself for twelve years now and wouldn't like to hazard a guess at the cost, both emotional and financial.  I have always been very envious of people with good families - families who support them, encourage them, nurture them and, if they don't agree, can accept they have differences and still treat each other with respect and love.

I think in some families just surviving is a big achievement.  If you can do more on top of that then you're doing well.  You've achieved a huge amount, and will carry on achieving, and the biggest achievement is you are so much healthier than she is!  I try and focus on myself now - it's hard, I'm so used to looking at other people but you are the most important person in your life and you should try and focus on that xxx

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Bones and thanks!

tt, thanks for the acknowledgement. The book is actually about her and this is why it took ages to publish. I am more scared to have it published than excited at the moment (she knows about it and she has been fighting it for quite some time now...)

tt, you're absolutely right about these groups. I have done some intense spiritual work the last year and am doing my best to accept people as they are and not judge in general. But this woman is seriously, seriously, disturbed.

Btw, the dream I had was that she died and I attended/organised her funeral. She was supposedly there too and was commenting (do not remember what she was commenting about). The weird thing is that a day later, a friend of mine had a similar dream about her and I was checking to see if she had passed.

Anyway, thanks guys. I will stick around and I will hopefully contribute to this board this time around...

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Tap!

I guess I am a little tired of my self-pity and the excuses I make for myself for not progressing more.
My biggest complain is that although I seem to have potential, I never seem to reach it.
My tombstone will write: 'Persephone - Never reached her potential'!!

Oh well!

[lighter]

Congrats on the book, Persephone, and I say go ahead and feel self pity.

Roll around in it like a little dog, then make some animal noises to go with.

Don't stuff it down another minute, but give it the light of day, and let it out.

I think it's a moral imperative to express that kind of wounding..... to acknowledge it, and to have it validated.

BTW, what has been the outcome, personally, of writing/publishing the book?

Has if helped you, do you think?

(((P)))  Wouldn't it be nice to finish your business with your mother, then move on to something else?

Lighter

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Lighter.
Writing the book was exhilarating in the beginning but having to translate it in Greek, then edit it was excruciatingly painful. It will be published in 6 months so will see if it will actually help anyone, myself included! Maybe it will in the sense that when someone hears about it or finds out about it or reads bits of it, they sometimes say 'hey, my mum is a bit like that', or 'my friend's dad is a bit like that'. I remember how relieved I felt when I found out I wasn't the only person that went through this and that it's pretty much textbook. It helped me shed that darn 'special' cloak as well...
Another interesting point is that since I wrote the first draft I have done some intense spiritual work so my reasons for writing and publishing the book have changed.

I don't really like self-pity and I allow it only on special occasions and public holidays! lol!! 

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Persephone)))))))))))))))))))

The English version has already been published and the Greek version is coming out in six months?

Bones

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Bones,

No, the English version was postponed which turned out to be a blessing since my Greek publisher will take care of that too.

Just to let you know guys that I have changed my screenname to Dr. Hountini (Dr. as in script doctor, not MD! lol!)

Thanks
Hountini

(Hountini is my pen-name and is spelled with -nt- instead of -d- to facilitate the Greek spelling)

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones,

No, the English version was postponed which turned out to be a blessing since my Greek publisher will take care of that too.

Just to let you know guys that I have changed my screenname to Dr. Hountini (Dr. as in script doctor, not MD! lol!)

Thanks
Hountini

(Hountini is my pen-name and is spelled with -nt- instead of -d- to facilitate the Greek spelling)

Thanks!

I'm looking forward to reading your book!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Hey there, Madame Dr. Hountini....

what's the difference between grieving and self-pity? Does the feeling start as one and sometimes metamorphose into the other? (and vice versa)... is there a clear difference, and if so, what is the differentiating criteria for that "feeling" to be one or the other? I ask, because I'm not sure I could tell the difference in those two feelings, clearly. In how they feel, that is...

I'm so happy for you that you've finished your book! That's quite an achievement; I've been too terrified to even begin one... but I think if we ALL wrote our books - our stories - I think it would have a significant impact, culturally, don't you? Finally, people would have to accept that this kind of abuse happens... that the PD people of the world are just as abusive of their children as are the ones who starve their children and keep them in cages...

... and maybe that would at least help us - the survivors - to more quickly realize, understand, and accept - that there is literally nothing we have done - or are - to cause this kind of treatment of ourselves, and that there isn't a blessed thing we can do to fix those warped parents. We are like relational orphans - the family members still live, but the relationship probably never existed in the first place...

I've missed seeing your posts! Welcome back!

[Nonameanymore]

Thanks Phoenix for your share. I don't know the difference and if there's any. What I struggle with at the moment is if I really am an underachiever or have reasons to be living a messy life. On top of that, I don't really think that anybody who hasn't been through such an upbringing can really sense how we feel. I am not talking from the 'poor us' perspective but rather that each one of us experiences their own reality.
There is a movie called Leap Year in which the main character trying to justify to her co-star why she is controlling and how she prefers to have plans, she mentions how her dad used to say 'it will all work out' and it never did and she has to work to support the family. As she finishes her narration, she expects to be judged but instead the guy tells her something like 'I understand, a dad is the person that you turn for support, he is expected to support you' (as well as your mum I would say).
Anyway, I am off topic but because I am going through a year of hell (maybe it would be good to post an honest account at the mystory section) I really feel let down.
In fact, I really feel like I lost the right to grieve. I guess for me the difference between self-pity and grieving is that the former is something that keeps you stuck and is used as an excuse not to move forward whereas grieving is a process which you go through - you grieve, then you let go and move on.
Maybe I am grieving the part of me that can no longer be, my childhood that cannot come back or be corrected no matter how self-pity I feel etc...

[sKePTiKal]

Yes; I know that confusion. It seems that (I'm not sure) I may have experienced grieving - was told it was just self-pity - and was so thororoughly punished for it... that I completely ignored the subtle shading of the feelings of when grief migrated to self-pity... and was denied the "right' to feel either one, really. But, I hesitate to subscribe to the idea that one grieves - and then lets it go. What I've found is that there are echos of grief, that last a lifetime. Never as intense or debilitating as the original pain, mind you. More like the ache of an old injury.

After 6 or 7 years of coming back up through the fog to reality, it seems I'm currently revisiting some things - even my own words - and (I hope) putting the finishing touches on some things. Grief included. And I think we do grieve for the people we "might have been" in other circumstances. It seems only human to do so, you know? Perhaps not to be stuck there... but to honor the possibility that has slipped by and to take stock, once again, and see how to go forward. Perhaps with more tenderness and nurturing, than which we "survived" in the past.

Just rambling a bit here... but in light of the major accomplishment you've earned (having your book published) I think it's time to do something really nice - and something you really need - for you. As a reward. No matter how "silly" it might sound, I might add!