Hi everyone,
I wanted to come back to this board and share a recent experience hoping it will be of use to any of you, because it helped me a great deal. After a lot of traditional therapy and 12 steps programs (such as CODA), I tried a couple of alternative therapy programs, the last one from what it seems with great success as it managed to uproot a deep core belief that was keeping me stuck.
I have suffered serious sexual and emotional abuse from NM. Nothing new here, and although there were many incidents, one in particular could not be worked. Even when I finished my memoir and had to translate it, it was impossible to work through a sentence of the incident without falling to pieces.
Up until I was 14, NM threatened to send me to my father. I didn't know him so the boogey-man threat worked, until I went to spend a summer holiday with him. Being in his good behaviour, after going back to NM, I wrote him a letter saying I'd rather go live with him, even if I had to wait until I was 18. NM found out about it and shaved my head. Ok, dramatic but as stated, worst things happened throughout my upbringing.
Recently I tried the last type of healing and because I am not quite adept at it yet, I could not 'read' the messages clear. When the healer suggested I worked through my fears, probably I did send a message to my subconscious to 'show' me my fears. So I had a dream that I was looking in the mirror and instead of me, I saw a demon. Still I couldn't translate the message. I asked the healer what should I do and said that I should try to decipher the message and I got an answer: 'I am evil'. Then it started hitting me: NM while I am NC sends emails where she insists that I was passed 'evil dna' from my father. Still I couldn't see the connection. I did the method once more and I was taken to age 14 and I remembered NM saying that she had to cut my hair so all evil will be taken out of me and the new hair will be 'evil-free'. Nevertheless when I visualised this particular incident, at last I felt some relief and I couldn't stop crying for at least an hour.
I am now 41. How on earth could I progress and think that I deserve a good life when I was fed and practiced for 27 years the belief that I am evil?
It's interesting that a therapist or healer before has told me that my difficulty for me was to match my inside with my outside. If you think in terms of law of attraction, you cannot attract anything good if the message in the subconscious is the opposite and stays tall as a powerful block?
Anyway, I will work hard in removing these NM-fed beliefs and I feel that it will eventually get better.
I know what I write is a little out there, but I wanted to share this with you guys.
Thanks