What to do with the package? Need scenerios/input

[flower]

Hi everyone,

This past week, we received a package from my parents. (I got several days mixed up from my husband's night shift work and my tendency to stay up too late.) Anyway I posted this earlier:

Yesterday, we received a package from them with no message inside. Inside the package was a photo of my great grandmother and her sons. (dad's side of the family), a political periodical and some collectibles my mom keeps sending my children. I plainly told them to stop giving us gifts. They refuse to listen. It seemed almost silly of them. But they did break a boundary again.  

I'd like input about the merits of destroying the package and not saying a word to my parents vs. sending back the package to them,all in the light of what is wise to do in regard to Ns.  So far we have just been throwing things away. I have been trying to do a no contact policy. But I started wondering if they would take it that I accepted their package if I don't return the package. Any ideas on enforcing the boundary? Usually I don't care what they think. I guess the difference this time is that I don't really want to destroy an antique picture of my ancestors from the late 1800s/ early 1900s, yet I don't want to accept it. (I could destroy the picture though, for therapy reasons) I love photography, a hobby of mine, and old photos and have been interested in my ancestors, although my parents have shared little about their parents and grandparents. My dad did share a little about himself and my mom a little about herself growing up. (mostly complaints about her parents) My dad, though, seems to have intense pride in his family name.

 My parents, in the past, drew me back to them with gifts and I don't want to take accept their bait. They have used the social influence of reciprocity to get me to come back to them without them having to admit their wrongdoing. Also other alternatives to my two options of what to do above would be interesting.  Thanks
P.S. If you are wondering about my age and ages, my grandfather was about forty-two when he married my grandmother who was about twenty-three.

[Anonymous]

Hi Flower,

If you hadn't opened the package, I would suggest writing "RETURN TO SENDER" on it and put it back in the mail. You can't enforce a boundary on their putting packages in the mail. You can enforce a boundary where the package doesn't get opened or stay in your home.

Since you've already opened this package, my advice is to do nothing. All they want is a reaction. If you restate some boundary, they get their reaction. My suggestion is to let it ride.


bunny

[Moonflower]

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[BlueTopaz]

Hi Flower,

I agree with those who have already said not to open all future packages, and mark them "return to sender".

If you have not been returning them, just like you wondered, I also wonder if they might take this as a small "in" they still have with you, in that you are looking at what they send and keeping emotionally attached to them that way.

So far, they keep sending so they might think it is working at some level, to try to get to you.

After many times (it might take that) of "return to sender" without any other comments or contact about it, hopefully, they might quit.

Good luck.

BT

[Anonymous]

Kelly here:  Maybe I am reading this wrong but I don't see anything wrong with them giving you old family stuff.  My ex's grandma gave me a bunch of salt shakers that she had been collecting all her life.  She wanted all the grandchildren to have some of her collection.  I graciously thanked her and put them in the china closet.

I understand that when an nparent gives us anything (or does anything, or says anything) it is emotionally charged and our reactions tend to be over the top (well, at least mine do.)

If there was no propaganda inside (although the political stuff is suspect - if they were trying to get you to agree with them polictically) then just take the stuff and write  "old family photos and memorabilia" on the outside and stick the box in the attic.  Then maybe in 50 years you can cash in on one of those antique roadshow shows!!!

Of course, you know your parents and their motives better than I do.  But I don't think this constitutes a "gift," does it?  I think of a gift as something that they might use to obligate you to themselves.  How do old pictures do that?  Unless they are trying to make you understand that you are a part of the "family" and as such you should shut up, straighten up and do what you are told!!!!

Who knows?  Sorry if I am way off........I just don't think a box of old stuff is such a big deal.

[loubaby]

Send it back with RETURN TO SENDER.  My mother finally quit with the damned letters after I was CONSISTENT about mailing them back.

This is their last "in," unless you nip it in the bud.

It's so childish of them, so like a child, you have to keep saying it over and over--I DO NOT WANT THIS.  LEAVE ME ALONE.

[Blue Topaz]

Hi Kelly,

I think the bothersome feelings are not related to the content of the packages whatsoever, but rather to emotional boundaries and manipulative issues behind it all, where the parents were asked not to send gifts (for good reasons known to the asker) period.

The content of the gifts were  particularly sneaky and relevant in showing the manipulation in trying to pull at the heart-strings with family oriented packages, but not really the focal point in other ways.  

BT

[Anonymous]

Oh, I get it.  It's like when I tell my mom I don't want to talk about work outside of work and then she talks about work.  And when I call her on it, then she justifies it by saying something like, "Well we never get the opportunity to talk about it at work."

Or when I tell her not to manipulate me into going to church - but if anyone is in from out of town, the call comes that since they are in town, just maybe I would like to meet them at church.

OK, so maybe any box with any thing inside it constitutes a lack of personal boundaries which were set and violated.  THEN, I say DO NOTHING.  Not even the return to sender bit.  Because if she gets it back unopened with return to sender on it then she will feel some kind of victory.  However, if you say nothing, then she'll think she got through to you.  BUT - you don't want to throw away old pics and stuff................boy that's a tough one.

Here's a goofy thought.  How about sending it to her next door neighbor and asking them to deliver it to her.....and have them tell her that the return address says something like Oakview Funny Farm, or Narcissitics Anonymous.....................

Kelly

[phoenix]

Flower- How timely! That and your letter dream. I had a birthday last week. Three years ago on my birthday I made it clear I wanted no connection with my dad and his wife. I wrote them a letter stating that as as long as they still regarded me as a child that  they had a right and responsibility to make decisions for, that I wanted nothing to do with them. (This stems from an inheritance issue I have with him- him controlling through withholding. It is much more to me than just the money.) So last year when the birthday card came once agin, I  got right in my car and drove to the post office. Dropped it in the box "RTS". My mom was angry and dismayed at my insenitivity. What if he should have a heart attack was her question? "Not my problem", I replied. "I will not be responsible for his bad health." That is what he'd say about me.  Ironic, huh?

His next strategy was to take my mom out to lunch- something he has never done. He resents that I have anything to do with her really. But now he was sucking up, wanting to know how we were doing- oh so casual and so concerned.  I was outraged at first at what he was doing, because I know his disregard for her except for the minimal interest if she should ever be in a position where she really needed him. My view of this is that it is more about his needs to seem himself in some benevolent form. The patriarchal supplier.That he lives a life of excess and indulgence, while she is barely scraping by is of no concern to him. Of course I was mad at her as well. She fell into the flattery, and came away telling me how really kind he was.

I kept my mouth shut. I figured that in the end it would only frustrate him. He was just getting a fix for now, but he was still on the other side of the boulder, so to speak. Next he targeted my sister. Which again only served to catch him in his own snare. My sister is having her own rebellion with him, with God and the Church as her platform. He hates that, anything to do with religion he views as giving away your power. And my sister intersperses the "Good Lord" into just about every sentence she utters.

About that time is when I cut out of this board for awhile, taking out my posts.

Years ago he came into my place of work and went around asking my  my coworkers about me. These  people were my friends. It was embarrassing. I did not know what to say to  them when they asked about his questions. What was he wanting to know? They were looking at me with new interest of a darker side they may have missed. There was none. I had always been so good... Oh it makes me so upset to still think of this! Because of this, I don't trust the lengths to which he will go to pry into my life.

This year- wow! no Birthday card. I felt victorious and relieved, because  I didn't want another confrontation with my mom. My birthday passed uneventful, quiet.

Two nights ago I had a dream- there were two envelopes in the mail from my dad. They looked like cards, but different at the same time. I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Like they contained something more than just a birthday card. They were thicker, stiff, and the envelope was a pale yellowish color. It almost looked business like.  

One of the envelopes was addressed to me, the other was to "The Foghead". Where I live, their is a radio station KFOG. Listeners consider themselves "Fogheads". I listen occasionally. I think the term "Foghead" is more the suggestion that I am in the "fog" about the cards- I don't know what is in them, or what is the intention. In my dream my thoughts went to what to do about them- I felt that  I should open them. In the dream I decided if there was a birthday check I would take the cards and check and put them away.
Stash them in a drawer somewhere.

I feel something important is heading my way. I really don"t know what to expect. But in this, I realize it doesn't matter whether I send them back or keep them, or even cash the check . It no longer matters. I am out of reach of my father in the most crucial way, the way I have worked so hard this year for. He can't touch me, and I believe know he knows it.

At one point several months ago I dropped my pursuit to get my inheritance through legal means. One day I realized that it just wasn't worth it. That even if I won, I would not have peace. So I just let it go. I am really happy about that decision, and have not thought different since. Sometimes you just know an action (or inaction) is the right thing to do, even if you don't know why.

My thoughts for you are to follow your heart. Stand strong if that is what you need to do. Your feelings may be complex about this situation. I wouldn't take a "black or white" approach to it. I would explore the different feelings and be led by what feels most right to you at any given moment. In this given instance my thoughts are with the other posters who say don't send it back, now that it is opened.

Good luck in whatever decison you make. I will share with you what the envelopes mean as soon as I know.   Phoenix

[OnlyMe]

Just a thought -
I opened and kept a package that NMom gave me a few years ago.  She said she was cleaning out stuff she didn't want, and gave me a box of old photos.  I opened it when I got home and it was a box of old photos of ME!  I couldn't believe my eyes, because I had never seen any of them before, and if I had just tossed the box, I would have missed out on something very precious.  After I recovered from the initial shock of realizing what she was throwing away, realizing what she did not want, I took those precious old photos of her unloved child and made a collage of them, and have it hanging in our bedroom.  When I see my little baby face, I think  "What's not to love?!!  Only a crazy person wouldn't love that cute little girl!"  Now, I am learning to love that innocent little child.  That, in itself, has been very healing for me, and I thought I'd pass my experience on, in hopes that it will help....

[Discounted Girl]

A very similar thing happened to me.

I opened and kept a package that NMom gave me a few years ago.  She said she was cleaning out stuff she didn't want, and gave me a box of old photos.  I opened it when I got home and it was a box of old photos of ME!  I couldn't believe my eyes, because I had never seen any of them before, and if I had just tossed the box, I would have missed out on something very precious.  After I recovered from the initial shock of realizing what she was throwing away, realizing what she did not want, II took those precious old photos of her unloved child and made a collage of them, and have it hanging in our bedroom.  When I see my little baby face, I think  "What's not to love?!!  Only a crazy person wouldn't love that cute little girl!"  Now, I am learning to love that innocent little child.  That, in itself, has been very healing for me...

About 2 years ago I received a box of old photos of me and old report cards, even my Bible from Sunday School, etc. It gave me such a wonderful feeling to open that Bible and see the words my little hand had written so very long ago -- and to see my report cards, with good grades and positive comments from my teachers. Every day I look at a particular picture of me (I think I have posted this before) with a sad look on my little face (I have no memory of the picture or the dress or anything), but I tell that little girl I love her each day. I wish I had a toy or school work or drawings or a dress or shoes or something from my childhood that I could hold. I saved lots of stuff for my boys and I hope someday they will be happy that I did.

[Anonymous]

I too have a photo of myself when I was two years old and about three years ago I framed it and put it in a place to remind myself that I was just a little helpless girl and deserved love just because I existed. Actually I did this because of the book recommended by Dr. Grossman called "the Narcissitic Family". Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you were actually a little tiny kid and you didn't have the actual power to do many of the things that Ns accuse you of doing...in my case, my Mom said we kids did things just to bug her (yeah, I was just thinking up ways to get her wrath, not just being a normal little kid).

[Anonymous]

Kelly here.  It's funny.  My mom has a picture of me and my brother in her bathroom - we are really little kids....................she has said on a number of occasions......................."What happened to that sweet little girl.......?"  I guess I was compliant back then - now I am a b*tch, I guess!!

[Anonymous]

That was an obnoxious thing for your Mom to say, Kelly. I think we both know who the real "B" is.

[Anonymous]

kelly here:  The thing that just keeps popping up here is that we are all on a different part of the continuum.  We all have suffered some pretty devastating things in our pasts, and we are all trying to set boundaries.  Sometimes we hatchet those boundaries.  Sometimes we try a more discreet approach.  Regardless, hopefully we are all on a mission to get better not bitter!!

Phoenix said it well...........go with your heart.  Do what feels right.  My friend told me to go where you feel the most peace..........................