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new phase

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Guest:
Glad you saw that it was a joke. I bet somewhere though it isn't a joke, sadly. Gee! Don't call on me today, I'm in a great mood! :x Hmm. Feeling somewhat better already... :P

Last night I dreamed. My father called me from inside a building, like a church, he was standing high up. He said come up, I want you to meet someone. I went up. I saw a small girl standing some way from him, she'd be about four. I said hello and she, and he, started to speak to me but both of their voices were broken up, like a bad phone line. I bent down to her and saw her mouth moving but i couldn't hear any words at all. Then, like a link restored, I could hear everything she was saying, she was talking fast, burbling about her stuff, animated and so I picked her up and carried her to him, her balanced on my hip. And he seemed happy and I carried her out, still talking. I woke up and knew who she was. It was very simple. And I feel very sad.

sKePTiKal:
Thank you for sharing your dream, FW. Glad you "got it", too...

Sadness for me is always linked to it's opposite emotion - love. We just aren't sad about things we don't care about, you know? (hoo boy... those double negatives...) We are only sad, about what we care about... there, that's better.

These are yin-yang and inextricably linked for me, making sadness a "positive" emotion. The caring comes first and when we experience loss or separation, then there is exquisite sadness that carries that love off to the other, then grief and mourning... which are subtly different to me. Then, one day the sun comes up emotionally... and only the love remains, the loss is accepted and then...

it's chop wood and carry water again.

I'm having dreams like this, too... though I don't remember much of them. Whatever this phase is all about... and I don't even feel motivated to try to define it... it's feeling good - and different. Kinda like my whole internal experience is going through a hard drive defragmentation process; an internal subconscious or unconscious reorganization and consolidation. And physical symptoms are improving; going away. I allowed myself to just "stop" everything for weekend and became a fixture of the couch... not even cooking - just grazing... cocoon and mental vegetable time. It felt pretty good! And I was still able to do all the "have-tos" that needed to get done. Without whipping myself into a frenzy or demanding it be done a certain way or nagging hubs to do something, anything... or much "left brain" stuff at all. My "right brain" self isn't a clueless idiot, after all... just... fuzzy and less focussed on details. It's perfectly OK a lot of the time for me to drift from here to there, seemingly (but not really) aimlessly... I don't have to be "on" all the time.

Guest:
Definitely PR, no sadness without attachment.

I don't have to be "on" all the time.  - Realising that even when I am 'on', I'm not the same, or so it seems. We'll see.

Had another of 'those' dreams after waking and going back to sleep following the one above. Very different, tells me stuff i don't want to know but have to accept sooner or later. As if i don't already 'know' anyway and hardly surprising. Shrug. It's just stuff in my head, defragging.

sKePTiKal:
So, a quick summary update (I hope... sometimes the fingers start typing and I find I have way more to say that I thought).

My dreams continue... and I still don't remember much of them; just the feelings linger as I become conscious of my body again in the morning. I could be wrong, but it also seems that the strength and intensity of the resistance is also beginning to wane. The physical symptoms are also lessening and becoming less noticeable; bothersome.

Externally, it doesn't seem like anything is different about me - yet. But internally, it sure is. And it defies description right now. It's rather like how a tree grows. Seems like you just planted it and it was a vulnerable little thing. Needing constant attention: a stake to keep it growing vertically... some fertilizer and mulch... to help it weather the weather... and then one day, you look at it and realize it's becoming a mature tree and can stand on it's own; it's roots are deep and strong; it's canopy spreading dappled shade and providing shelter and food for birds and other critters. Storm resistant, too.

Something old-new has crossed my path again as far as entertaining and educating my busy little brain: social science. I remember, back in the late 60s, just hearing about this in passing. Maybe it was still a rather new field then. It certainly peaked my interest pretty deeply - but then I got pushed off center for 40 some years on all that personal crap. Personal "history" now... dry dusty artifacts that tell a tale... that doesn't matter to anyone but me. I don't know beans about social science, as it is now, so that's my next brain foray... if the rest of the projects that are on the discussion table leave me any time.

Those including building/remodelling/maintenance, landscaping, interior decorating, sewing... and possibly a computer upgrade, carving out a personal, private studio space after the "man cave" is set up and once for all: taming the paper invasion that threatens to consume every single flat surface in the house. Oh, yes - and finding my "place" in my new community where I can be useful again. Somehow my "social calendar" seems to be overflowing... and that's a whole 'nother new development; something I couldn't ever say I experienced before in my life. Finding that balance keeps me busy, too. Tai chi is coming up again, too. Finally!

I guess, that means I'm finally learning to juggle???

sKePTiKal:
So... got my Kindle fixed and looked through some of the social science titles... and wound up with something that deals with concepts and ideas in psychology related to what's called "adaptive unconscious". Still reading, but already chewing over the proposition that our unconscious selves can/do change; that they don't have one static, distinct personality - per se. So much for my feral cat/Twiggy metaphors, huh? Maybe not; it might be too soon to tell. He does allow that "adaptive unconscious" might not be a single thing or entity; it might consist of multiple "modules"... hmmmm.....

The other idea I gotta admit is more perplexing to me: the idea of "discounting" interest or like in something when a reward is given. The examples presented were explaining the difference in observed behavior and self-reported behavior in young children... trying to determine the age when this behavior related to child development shows up. Like ages 3-4...

2 groups of kids: both given markers to play with... one group given a gold star type certificate for drawing; one without the "reward". When talking later on, at a certain age the kids generally liked drawing with markers more consistently when no reward was given; younger children the opposite - this is the "discounting effect" concept. In reality, the reward made no difference to what they actually did; amount of time using the markers.

So far, I'm seeing an explanation for why the behavior-mod technique of giving myself "rewards" for not smoking backfired every single time. It feels like the theory of discounting a reward/actual like or interest actually "fits" me. And why I've persisted in finding another way through to the end result, than what is typically recommended (and so far, so good - my current pack was opened 3 days ago). Now, that's not the same as saying I understand this! Because it seems backwards to me, from what commonsense logic would expect...

if you want to encourage an interest or "like" in something, a reward should sweeten the deal, right? Like Pavlov's dog training theories...

But this concept is saying that some 3 yr olds and most 4 yr olds, will like something less, if they're rewarded for engaging in it. I guess the author is leading up to explaining this by saying their adaptive unconscious self is already separating/individuating... resisting and demonstrating a separate sense of will. In some respects, there are parallels between this idea of "adaptive unconscious" theory and what I've read before with L-R brain theories... and the 3 or 4-D chess game-like newer neuroscience theories that have demonstrated how much more complex, interdependent and interelated (and adaptable) things are in the brain, compared to the old system of assigning things to L or R brain functioning, solely.

I don't know what I'm doing reading this or what I expect from it. Just reading it and may very well hit the permanent delete button on it later... it's something to read (other than current event - how depressing & boring!) when it's too chilly to go out and I'm just feeling lazy and cozy and hubs is watching TV. I've been busy cleaning house... and purging... trying to make space room by room... for "something" else. Guess I'm deciding later what that is...

Meanwhile, getting a lot of "have-tos" done in the process... and thinking about fun "want-tos" too.

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