Forgiveness

[Nonameanymore]

The thing that a line you wrote made me laugh dear Phoenix made me want to share something with you. Maybe your writing like mine is deeply painful but because of so much pain, it can be funny. What I mean is, even last time that I was asked to say the prayer in one of the seminars I recently took, I said something in the most serious of tones and generated a lot of laughter. The same if I shared things in Coda. And it's not because I am ridiculous or taken lightly but because of the deep pain that inevitably brings laughter. I don't know how I do it, it just happens. The same with my memoir and to be honest in the beginning, except for a passage, I couldn't see it but some pointed this out. Right now, when I go back and read it, I find bits of it hilarious because some of the things NM did are pretty ridiculous and some of the things I did in response to NM are also funny.
I give you a for instance. I wrote about an incident when I lost my keys. NM was really superstitious and she considered the loss of keys as a curse that would befall us in the form of bad luck for a year. When I forgot the darn keys, we were living on the 4th floor and the balconies were not adjacent but had about a meter distance from each other. I was with a friend from school, I was 9 or 10, and I decided that I would jump. Anyway,when I got to the balcony, the neighbor was shouting fearful and my friend was hysterical, laughing and crying at the same time, pulling me back not to jump. I threw my bag over, then I jumped. So I wrote all this and added 'I know this doesn't make sense to the reader but I would rather crack my head open than to have NM find out that I forgot my keys'. When I went back to edit the book and read this passage I was laughing with tears!
Ok, maybe it's not funny, but my 'logic' at the time was hilarious!
So you see, something as dramatic can generate laughter!

[sKePTiKal]

Laughter is sweet relief - like a soft rain after months of scorching heat and drought - to the pain we walk with, all 16,000 tons of it until we are ready to heal. Yes, I have always been "funny" this way too. Unintentionally, seeking a way to be able to go on from the present, (sometimes) painful moment as my self to another self in another moment.

I've been thinking about what I've shared with you over this supposed creative block... and there is another aspect to it. The other stuff was where I've been. Where I am now, is different - more laughter, less pain, way more freedom of the "why not?" kind, and a lot less feared risk. The real risks - consequences - remain; they don't really scare me... but they would be irritating and time wasters; some might be more serious than that.

There is something I want to say - and it's traditionally been the art community who've said these kinds of things with books, poetry, paintings, cartoons, music and posters. However, I'm fully aware that "in real life" there are consequences for saying these kinds of things in public - even in a society that supposedly protects "free" speech. People in general - including my self - aren't overly comfortable with some truths.

I'm not sure I'm ready to accept all those consequences... I don't have the option of picking and choosing which ones happen! Yet, I have been the kind of person who decides: "well, someone HAS TO DO SOMETHING" and so I accept that I might be making a total fool of myself... and dive right in. And yes, even now... I'm dancing all around the topics, the words, because I'm not sure I'm the right person... that the time is right... nor even that what I have to say has any merit or usefulness or would generate the kinds of results I want.

I suppose that's why I've always resorted to saying those things visually. There's an aspect of hiding in plain sight behind the image - plausible deniability - about the meaning and significance of an image. The viewer always brings their own "stuff" to an image and sees what they want to see or what they know, in it. That is a valid and true meaning - even if it's the complete opposite of what it means for me. The more different kinds of meanings that can exist through one static image... the more "life" that piece of art has; it speaks to many and says many things... not some simple, one-off slogan or sound bite. I don't provide "clues" via artists statements about what it means for and to me; that's private... so there's also a deliberate falseness, a lie of omission perhaps - in the presentation of an image without a personal context attached to it. For some time, that was a big issue for me. Now, maybe not so much. I got really hung up in trying not to believe my own "bullshit"; those of us who have experienced gaslighting cling for dear life to anything that appears to be solid, factual, immutably true. But the problem is, truth just isn't one-size-fits-all, applicable to everyone all at once, at all the different times/places... because everyone is always at a slightly different time/place... and each person is different. We have to try to find what truth is, within the context of a present moment... so almost everything can be true, at one time or another. [If you follow that, and it makes sense to you - you win the prize! What I wrestle with - and it's eel-slippery - is that I'm not sure it makes sense to ME.]

Just because I'm not sure what's really "truth" anymore, doesn't mean I "should" remain silent artistically, I guess. There are enough things people have experienced - at one time or another - that they can connect with whatever image I'm using to convey an idea.

Sorry - I guess I've wandered way off-topic again! How did we get here??