I just found out....

[Izzy_*now*]

..that the dead car batteries are because back in January, 2009, a positive terminal clamp was finagled into a 'smaller' clamp for the negative terminal, which is somewhat smaller so the screw remained loose and drained the battery, and that is why my batteries have been draining and dying up until today! I hope that is the end of that.

--that I am Schizoid PD (but always ignored that because I knew I was not schizophrenic. ) Imagine my surprise, all this liking to live alone, not wanted to be a part of my family and ever so many 'qualifications'.....some with variations, not 4/7, but 7/7. I think I am happy!

Childhood
"Retrospective assessment suggests that patients with schizoid personality disorder often have histories of grossly inadequate, cold, or neglectful early parenting, which often began early in life. Psychodynamic theories suggest that these traumatic experiences create an expectation that relationships will not be gratifying and a subsequent defensive withdrawal from others" (Gunderson & Philips, pg. 1445). "

"A child born with an introverted, shy temperament may be constitutionally predisposed to developing this disorder, especially if the earliest parenting is cold, neglectful, insensitive, or hostile to the infant's disposition. Some psychodynamic theorists believe that individuals with this disorder remain completely unattached to people because they gave up early on any hope of gratification from others. Following their inborn temperamental style, perhaps they adapted to their unsatisfying environment by turning inward, away from any attachment to anyone" (Oldham, pp. 291-92).

Intrusive mothering, detached fathering

(I could scarcely believe my eyes. Damn therapists are just after the money and never listen. I've been talking that since I was 19. I might still have a life and a daughter if I had been listened to.)

...that my daughter wants NO MORE correspondence from me, but by cracky...I can hack it and Will

...that the medication for pain, was FOR pain. I stopped the medication, Saturday, and stopped the pain. WTF! (Why That's Fanastic!)

...that the medication for pain was putting on weight--in 6 days already I can see a difference!

... the local police said that I will be immune from setting fire to Canadian Tire
                                                                can be refunded fees for therapy
                                                                & can twist every psychiatrist                                           
                                                                who never listened to me
                                                                from age 19 to almost 73.

...but I'll survive anyway and that must mean what being schizoid is all about...............SURVIVAL!

Love♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

oh Iz.... if you believe you have a PD, I have a bridge I wanna sell ya!   LOL.... not everyone who goes through that kind of early upbringing is permanently affected THAT particular way. It's with some satisfaction, that I can say that the experts still can't figure out why that is. (I don't think I want the human condition or how people are, completely explained - that would be boring!) Even when SOME of the traits/affects line up - it's the degree to which you are that way that makes/breaks a solid diagnosis... and whether or not a slight nudge can help you change it. It's always helpful to find these things however... things that completely "fit" and say concisely what we've tried to explain (unsuccessfully) so many times before. Validating.

On the other hand, I absolutely think you've hit the nail on the head with that description as to WHY a lot of us struggle, still. The kind of parenting one experiences early on, resonates all the way through one's life - in sooooo many ways. Each of us, reacted and grew through those experiences we have in common, just a bit differently - we're not all identical twins, for lack of the word for "many" identicals - we learned to cope and survive just a bit differently.

That's actually one of the main strengths of a group like ours, here. Every time someone talks about a part of their story and how they survived, and how/what their change process is now... I always learn something new, that I hadn't thought of in quite that way before. And that helps me more than even my own explanations of "me"...

I'm glad to know your pain is lessening! My word, how many months - years - have you been living with this 24/7? It is quite interesting to know that stopping the pain meds, stopped the pain. Almost as if the act of taking the pill triggered that part of your brain to experience "pain" (perhaps phantom pain that nevertheless really hurts anyway???). That's exactly why I believe it's a false assumption of modern medicine, that people must always take a med their whole life... instead of recognizing that the med just helps adjust the body/brain to a new balance... and the drug can be useful for this - then slowly stopped. (For the record, this idea brands me as a certified wacko to most of the medical profession...).

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Iz,

So many problems solved or on the way to being solved.  You're good!

Following their inborn temperamental style, perhaps they adapted to their unsatisfying environment by turning inward, away from any attachment to anyone" (Oldham, pp. 291-92).

I've wondered about this.  I think having a bent for living in one's mind could very well shield one from attachments.  I have the bent.  Had the hostile, aggressive, icy environment.  Was terribly withdrawn until I hit my stride in my middle to late 20's.  I looked at the statistics and figured that out of the 3 billion souls plus or minus on the planet, (at the time) our paths would cross and bingo, our lives would become interwoven as in a tapestry.  I think having an open mind about it (my personality type can hardly be any other way) facilitates  my attachments.  I have a handful of friends.  I have a bunch of relationships and I love people.

tt

'

Hi tt

and you too PR

I remember being withdrawn and shy from as far back as I can remember, of feeling not a part of the family and not liked by anyone, but to go off on my own, even at 2-3 and hide, and sit quietly was the only peace I knew. I would climb to the top of the granary bins and just sit, and into the raspberry patch (and didn't even eat the berries, against the law) and just hide and sit, and climb the maple tree at the side gate as High as I could and just sit, maybe chew on some gristle (which would last forever)

I recall the beatings from Dad and mom's being quiet: the fights with 4 siblings because I was not a red head and I did not belong, so I was told. None of this went away because I believe it was ingrained too young.

I was always changing best friends in public and high schools, and was afaid of a relationship with boys, because I didn't know what to do, because I was "different".

After I finished school and went to the city to work, I had a big job ahead of me to get on with my co-workers and boss, but I usually ended up, without realising it, with a job I could do on my own and have one supervisor. So I was alone in a crowd and always very careful to never make mistakes and I tried to follow the pattern that life was taking everyone, into a relationship and marriage.

Throughout life I could tell "who was to blame" for whatever went wrong, but even if I could not see the part I played, I expected it was something unknown to me, as I was "different". No one taught me the rules of life, so I made up my own .

I have often said that I live inside my head, therefore am an enigma to some people who "don't know who I am". I don't know who I am. When my inner self is invaded, I am "hït where I live", I become angry, like the hammering upstairs this morning, when I need my sleep for my therapist (in 2 hours now.) They don't know I've been awake most of the night, not falling asleep until 3:00, but I have tried to see the other person's side and there is no fault to be laid here, just my thoughts.

My best freind is Karla, my therapist, as I have been saying, since July, 2009, and we have but 1½ hours together, at a spell, during which I am the best patient, and she is the best therapist. we laugh, and vent with each other---yet as time went on, I wondered why I felt that if this was every day and all day, that it just wouldn't last.

I do very well with store clerks, as we 'pass in the night' and in all cases, if I pay a bill, I can afford to be expected to be treated well, to be able to crack a joke, but I don't invite them for Sunday dinner.

My lawyer "adores" me and calls be 'awesome', 'beautiful' so I rather built a non-existent? personality/character out of nothing and it works as long as I don't live with the people.

I wouldn't doubt now that whatever emptiness was inside me, and filled with things to make me appear normal, emanated to my daughter, and she might have felt phoney feelings from me. I don't know but I blame myself underneath but not as harshly as she has treated me, because I knew I was 'different.

Now I am alone and content, as I've said before, and had gone through 2 serious accidents and have pulled myself up by the bootstraps, with the professionals and have all in order, even to prepaying my funeral.

Yes, I am disordered, and anything I do that appears normal was my invention from very young as a means of survival in a world where I have been 'different' for 72½ years.
xx
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

....so PR

See post to tt, as well....

How much do you want for the Bridge? LOL

Wait until my settlement comes through. I see now (always did) why a Higher Power looked after me financially, because I'd never be supported by a live person, just Hertz and ICBC, yet have suffered for the "free money".

March 27, 2009 =2 years and 7 months but a grand total of June 7, 1969 = 42 years< 5months

If you're a certified whacko, I will soon have a bridge to sell you!

XX
Izzy

PS--just passed my 11 months of no-smoking. One success in my life is pretty good!

[teartracks]

Iz,

I only know what you tell us here.  Even with the limitations of electronics, I don't think I could count the successes you've had as you've told us your story.

In my opinion, everyone would do well to have a little of the Izzy spunk and smarts.

tt

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi TT
Oh ya!

Maybe I thought all that was a means of survival so I could hide in a crowd?

xx
Iz

[Hopalong]

In my opinion, everyone would do well to have a little of the Izzy spunk and smarts.

tt

Hear, hear, what she said! And your lawyer, too.

The description sounds like one of those "sane crazy" things, meaning, a perfectly LOGICAL adaptation to the kind of loneliness and abandonment and cold and abuse you suffered as a child. You sitting in raspberry bushes but knowing you were not humanly welcome enough to eat a berry? In a tree chewing gristle for sustenance? Beaten by your father?

Enough for me. I'm "schizo" at the thought.

I have a good friend whose child has acute schizophrenia...the full tilt real disease....and is currently in jail pending incarceration in a federal mental health correctional facility. The poor kid is so ill, and the secret service agent assigned to him (for threatening the prez) became almost like a caseworker. They genuinely are trying to save him from himself, and nobody in his family could manage him (adult male now, deeply paranoid and violent tendencies, and naturally--amazing hallucinations) -- so he's been placed into the federal correctional system because that's the only institution powerful enough to get him the complex Rx protocols he needs. The family's HMO was giving him half of what he needed to save costs. His poor Mom had been locking the kitchen knives in the trunk of the car.

Nobody. No kid, no parent, no person -- can bear up under unreasonable stresses without being made and marked by it.

You, Izz? Much less your accident, abandonment by family, and pain...

You amaze me. Wear any acronym you like.

love to you,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Hopsy, and others.......................

Have you read about schizoid?

It is not schizophrenia................................but I had the idea they were so close that I always skipped over schizoid!

"Schizoid" redirects here. For the game, see Schizoid (video game).
 
Not to be confused with Schizophrenia, Schizotypal personality disorder, or Schizoaffective disorder.

Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness and sometimes (sexual) apathy, with a simultaneous rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world.[1] SPD is not the same as schizophrenia, although they share some similar characteristics such as detachment or blunted affect; there is increased prevalence of the disorder in families with schizophrenia.[2]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

Remember my "secret" of stopping smoking? I posted it under My Story but not on here so I could read about it online and before people might pummel me with questions and I might fail----like my brother is now (his wife cannot stop) and he keeps asking, so my paranoia tells me that he is trying to sabotage me, so in my last email I said that next month was one year, I was sure I had it licked, and now the less said the better, as it is old news.

I keep secrets like that pending success or thoughts of who might approve....whatever reason.

I have said how I don't cry. Sex? Well I could care less after being with 2 drunks and am now in pain...........

.........but I laugh a lot, really a lot and mostly at my own original jokes and they crack up Karla as well.

xx
Izzy

[Hopalong]

You're welcome, ((((Izz)))).

Sorry for the rambling off to my friend's story (just heard about her son's latest escapades yesterday).

I know it's just the word root "schizo" that's the same. I imagine many people don't get the distinction.

I know schizotypal PD isn't anywhere near the same thing as the brain disease, schizophrenia.

Just felt like reassuring you that any acronym ("PD" is not a character thing, it's a descriptor) that helps you understand and accept yourself with compassion is a good thing, imo!

xo
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

Oh thanks (((((((Hops))))))))))))  Ever notice how seldom I use the (Hugs), even though they are inside, somewhere.

I'm sorry. I didn't get your meaning about any acronym.

Different sites have different 'qualifications'

Some say, "not wanting to be part of a family"

Well, I don't think my FOO deserves me, so I am 2000 miles away.

I've always felt like a very 'deep' person, but haven't known if the depth was worth anything.

I'm sorry I didn't mention your friend's troubles because that can sound like a movie you saw, like many realities of life that are away out of whack-----in which category I put myself, as feeling so unreal...............too unreal to be understood by the 'common man'...yet I'm not worth a book or movie--even if it were fiction.

I think all this is why I have taken such abuse from my daughter, who I think deserved a real mother.

nightie nightie, but
no nightie tonightie
(they are all in the laundry)

xx
Izzy

[lighter]

Izz:  

It would have been nice if a therapist had listened to you.  

Just once.  

All those years ago.

Things didn't have to be so hard, did they?

Lighter

(No nightie, hee: )

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks lighter

It's just 4:46 AM and I have been writing emails, because one friend in Alberta swore she would telephone me, and I don't do well on the phone, all doped up with pills and sleeping, yet that has just changed, but no proof, and maybe email will do it for everyone.

It seems to me, yes, that a loner, not wanting her family, would be a good sign to head for the schizoid file, but I never seemed to be able to make anyone understand.

I've always wanted answers and am the happiest now with the answers I have found-----if I can believe these so-called experts! but that Wiki page was me all the way with a few variations on the theme from Paginini in the 9th---oops I used to play that! Ha! sleepy....or something close to that!

I can live with this all now...no matter the answers, I have suitable ones.

At least daughter is well grown, has a partner and the 3 litte kids, while my grandkids seem to have 'vanished'. We'll all do fine without each other.

You are right. My life didn't have to be this hard, but I guess I am one tough broad and that has held me in good stead with many people and never allowed me to falter.

I was just writing this to my sister......:

A picture I see often, in my mind, when I think of young years and betrayal, is a Christmas morning, when I was likely 3¾ and I can see my knees pumping up and down to get down the stairs as we headed for the Christmas tree at the bottom, by the front door. I had so wanted a doll. My next oldest sister was not interested in dolls, but she arrived at the tree first and I saw her take a doll from a pile of things and move it to a pile in front of her.

Our gifts were not wrapped, just piled into individual groups and a scrap of paper, with a name scribbled on it, was placed upon the top. Whatever was under the scrap named “Izzy” was for me from Santa. That was the pile from where the doll was removed then placed by my sister onto  her pile.

I looked up at my mother and said, something like, “..but Mom: I was the only one who asked for a doll.”

Mom had the most screwed up face of “what do I do now?” and changed the subject to a nice new coat for Dad that was on a hanger, and had a package in its pocket. The coat was for Dad and the package was a grouping of dusty blue “heavy” plastic animals, elephant, giraffe, lion, tiger etc. (if I remember correctly) and were for Mom. I really remember them and liked them and in my teens was still dusting them.

--and I never was given a brand new doll until I was 12 and in Grade 9 in high school.

Whatever that meant, it was too late!

The stories I can remember mainly ALL lead to that anyone ought to be able to understand about this little kid not wanting to belong to this family.

Merry Christmas, lighter ♂☺♥♦♣♠•◘○◙♂♀♪♫☼►◄↕‼¶§▬↨↑↓

Oops fell asleep!
 
Love
Izzy

[Nonameanymore]

Hi Izzy,

A while ago I took an online test that gives you a percentage of pd tendencies and I always scored a bit higher on the schizoid level.
Let me tell you something though. I recently listened to a series of lectures. In one of the lectures the lecturer was talking about this need we have (and very valid) to know why things are the way we are, why do certain things happen etc. It has been a series of eye-opening experiences for me, especially with NM -- she is like this because she suffers from NPD, I am not unlovable because she couldn't love me etc. And the lecturer kept on, saying that there are very many valid reasons why things are the way they are but that's not the important part: it's what we do with the situation at hand. It really had me thinking because for a good many years now I have tried to find answers to so many questions and I now realise that it's best really to spend time working out what can be done about all the different situations in my life. I thought I'd share with you, again without discounting your precious discoveries. Hope this will spark something for you too.

Much love
Rania

(I took the test again and again I got average scores at schizoid and schizotypal but here what the author says:
Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.)

[lighter]

::handing Izzy a beautiful brown haired doll::

Merry Christmas, Izz.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

 hi Hountini

Thank you for stopping by and talking to an insane person. I appreciate it, and even for taking another test just for me. I knew there was a Disorder just for extra special, great thinking people, and hoped it was this one, when I made my discovery the other day.      

I just took another one, today, and it was True of False. I came out of that as an intermediate schizoid. There is no doubt in my mind that that is where my special slot in life has been all along, in my quest to find out why I've always been one step off the beat all my life....50 years of searching. I finally feel "fulfilled" ha! ....need a word...vindicated?...but it's like sliding that last piece of a jigsaw puzzle into place before the whole picture can be seen.

♫ I can see clearly now....♫

This explains my failed relationships and only those two poor men, who turned into drunks, know what it was like to live with me ..;0) and two were Ns which really screwed up the works for who was worse, my last relationship and my ex son-in-law. (I was just out of my league, following the crowd, looking for a husband found one, someone else's though, ©¿©] for everlasting happiness. Now I know I didn't see him for 7 years before his completed suicide, so that might have been just his choice, without my involvement. This revelation is making me happy that I'm 72 and in a wheelchair (AHA! God! I see now!) and no one else's life will be in danger, as no one will be chasing after me.

your precious discoveries

Did you mean preCious preVious----as they both fit!!

Yes, I seriously always wanted answers and just the answer itself might not make me happy, but the fact I had the answer always did!

Thanks again
Izzy