Tried to disappear/go NC and they hunted me down!!!

[sKePTiKal]

OK, so maybe you can write a book from stories like these, Kathy!  These people really take the cake.  :: shaking head::

Here's my christmas N-tale: my mom lives with my brother (the GC, and up till now, totally co-dependent) and his family. I sent them a package and addressed it "bro + wife + family". I hesitated about the "& family"... I knew I couldn't spell out the kids' names - or my mom would take offense at being left out. Her present is being mailed separately. When it arrived, my mom wanted to open it immediately and see if her present was in the box too. Bro said no... it's not addressed to you... and of course, she went off into a rant of "What? I'm not part of the family anymore?"

I had other things to talk to bro about last night, so he told me this story and I told him: I knew whatever I wrote she'd find a way to turn it negative. I think my bro actually "heard" that... which is progress of sorts. I'm not sure exactly what has changed with him - or if the change is "durable" - but we have been able to have civil, productive conversations lately, even if he still doesn't understand what his title is or what is expected of him by the CPA and lawyers, etc. I do think it helps that I've been chatting with my SIL - his wife - because the poor girl has been casted to play the role I played in that unholy triangle. It's a real good sign that my mom is mad at my bro now... for taking sides with his wife, instead of mommy. SIL & I talked about how her kids shouldn't be made responsible for "taking care of Grandma", too. She no longer leaves them alone with Grandma -- who fills their heads with whispered crap about how bad their mom is, projecting out that mom is "sick", etc. All without realizing that she is - in that present moment - doing exactly what she is accusing SIL of doing. But she does tell ME what she does - and again, doesn't realize the projection... it used to trigger me; my own horror at what she was doing... and I did break a bottle of wine unconsciously during one of those monologues. It affects me less but it does still affect me...

My Christmas present to bro & family is a sort of invitation to come visit me at the beach. No; my mom is NOT invited. I uncontrollably self-destruct when I'm around her. And I can finally say that out loud, even over my bro's insincere, shocked horror that I would exclude my mom. It's an experiment... to see if it's possible to have more than a formal, business boundary limited relationship with bro. And a chance to observe them interact - sans my mom. If he doesn't accept - if he feels he can't leave his mom - then SIL & kids are still welcome. It's up to him to make those decisions and choices for himself.

But here's the deal: once you can learn to laugh at these shenanigans - the pathetic lengths they go to - to make someone, perhaps yourself, feel guilty, responsible, accountable for the rediculous life, self, and world-view framework that they have created for themselves - once it seems rediculously patheticly desperately overly-emotionally "needy"... that means you've put enough distance between yourself and them and the upside-down, inside-out perverse N-games to start building a healthy, meaningful life of your own. Sure, they will "up their game"... but it's all crap they're imposing on themselves, to convince themselves that somebody else is to blame... and to support the pure fictional delusion that they, themselves are victims of your cruelty.

Christmas seems to bring out the worst in Ns - and for us children of Ns, we live in dread of that nameless, unpredictable "spoiler" of what should be a simple, enjoyable, time of sharing. I refuse to let my mom ruin this for me anymore. As a little kid, I couldn't see the mind-games going on; I didn't understand the misery, hostility, etc that was imposed on this holiday celebration. But, you know, kids seem to have some direct link-up with the truth, even if they don't have the words to form the thoughts and understanding. And I think it just broke my heart that my mom couldn't - even for one or two days - put aside all her rules; stop imposing her negativity on everyone else while expecting them to "make her happy" - just for that little bit of time. In my kid-brain, I didn't realize it wasn't just me. Memories of other people reacting to that berserker of negativity that my mom is, are filtering back into my brain.

The worst for Ns is to experience other people enjoying themselves - willy-nilly - chaos of wrapping paper in the air, laughter, happy secrets, yes you can have another cookie, and not having a hissy-fit meltdown about not being in "control" of everyone and everything, at all times. It took a long time for me to realize I'd been so indoctrinated & programmed that the N-version was the "right" way for things to be... that I was doing exactly the same thing to myself and those around me. Fortunately, I did finally come to my senses! LOL. At the christmas party I went to, last weekend, I was literally speechless and just visually taking in the "pretties" that were everywhere in the house. Like a little kid struck in awe at how special that very moment was... and surprise, that someone else saw and thought the little things I noticed (but didn't allow myself to enjoy) were important, too.

Permission to "keep" Christmas - in my own way, and to let others do the same - granted.

[JustKathy]

And I think it just broke my heart that my mom couldn't - even for one or two days - put aside all her rules; stop imposing her negativity on everyone else while expecting them to "make her happy" - just for that little bit of time.

Christmas is definitely THEIR day. They own it. It's a special day that's all about them. That's how my NM always saw it anyway. She started preparing for Christmas Day in January. Everything she did, she did with Christmas in mind. It was planned to the most minute detail, with lists, and rules, and perfect order that would keep her both the center of attention and the one in control. The last time I went for a family Christmas I was in my forties, and still had to sit at the "childrens table." I could write pages about the ridiculously obsessive and controlling things she did. She even micro-managed the gift opening portion of the day. It was to be done at a set time, with everyone seated in their designated chairs, and her acting as "Santa," deciding on the order in which we would open our gifts. The worst part for me was the volume of her voice. With so many family members in the room, and everyone talking, she wouldn't allow herself to get drowned out. She would YELL at the top of her lungs all day long. Everyone had to listen to her, whether they wanted to or not. I could go on and on and on.

Now .... speaking of those laughable shenanigans, hubby finally gave me NM's $500 check to tear up. Guess what? It was dated December 26th. I couldn't have cashed it before Christmas if I wanted to. It was a trap. I'd bet the farm that she planned on issuing a stop payment if I didn't show up on Christmas day.

Your story about your co-brother is an interesting one. My brother has also sided with his wife, which has NM coming completely unhinged, but in my case, she's not mad at bro, she's blaming the wife. My SIL is referred to as "The Witch," and has become a convenient excuse for the terrible way he now treats his parents. In her letter, NM explained that her precious GC was going to Hawaii for Christmas because "the witch won't let him see his dying mother." Yeah. Right.

[sKePTiKal]

"The Witch" is the "The Bitch" to my mom, Kathy. And yes, my mom heaps a ton o' blame and accusations on SIL. But she's also mad at Bro for not standing up to SIL, and basically doing what mom wants instead. All 3 of them have been in contact with me this week and I feel the suction of that horrible void of a vacumn starting to pull on me. I do understand why bro works long hours at his office. But, that's just his passive-aggressive defense. He will not speak up in the middle of a disagreement and say: well, this is what I want. He is afraid to; I get it.

It's odd that he didn't have much of a response to my explaining that I knew mom would turn whatever I did, negative. Maybe he's thinking about her behavior himself. And the previous bru-ha-ha I've had with him, could be explained by the fact that he expected me to play the same kind of power-control-projection games... so that was how he responded to me... and when I didn't play and shut him down and asked for outside assistance... perhaps, I got the point across to him that I'm not who he remembers as his sister. He did mention recently that he had no idea what my political leanings were. I'd like to say that I don't know him well, either. But unfortunately, the exposure I have had the past couple years... well. Not much has changed or is different. I would like to be wrong about that.

[JustKathy]

But she's also mad at Bro for not standing up to SIL, and basically doing what mom wants instead.

I've been NC with my M for years, but my father has vented a lot of anger at my Bro for doing what his N wife tells him to do. I find it all ridiculously ironic, since Bro is emulating his own father. I really believe that Co-dependency, at least Co-spouses, are a learned behavior and not a genetic mental illness. My brother lives the life that he observed as a child - married an N, and obediently does whatever she says. My F complains that "the witch" won't let Bro talk to him on the phone, while at the same time calling me from his cell phone, because NM won't let him use the phone. My F calls to complain that his son is behaving exactly like he is.

It's odd that he didn't have much of a response to my explaining that I knew mom would turn whatever I did, negative. Maybe he's thinking about her behavior himself.

He may be. I've always gotten this feeling, that deep down inside, my Bro knows what NM is really like, and what she's done to me. He chooses to turn a blind eye because it's in his best interest. If he plays along, he gets treated like a king. He probably knows what a piece of work she is, but he's so darned selfish, and so used to getting free money thrown his way, that it's easier to bury any reservations he might have and just collect his cash and prizes at the door.

[sKePTiKal]

Don't you know? The moment I start thinking there's hope for Bro... he proves me wrong. He called to ask me when we had talked about a certain business task and made the decisions he was being informed were taking place this week. Uh.... like 3 weeks ago? remember?

I swear, I'm starting to think he dissociates on purpose in these meetings, just to drive people crazy later on by not remembering, having panic attacks, or being paranoid that someone's doing things without including him. Kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy, if he doesn't pay attention, isn't engaged in the discussion or taking notes, isn't it? And then he tries to push the old buttons again... but I wasn't playing. The old tapes are trying to start up but I've crossed my arms, and continue to shake my head.... NO, I'm no going there just because he's wack. Maybe those attitudes about me that he holds, are what he witnessed of my mom insisting I was the crazy one?? So, he tries to gaslight me himself? Because of course, Mom is always right... and he could do no wrong in her eyes.

Ack. I've got better things to do than worry about that.

Edit: On second thought... this is a classic passive-aggressive tactic - expect other people to read your mind, make them responsible for what you didn't do (pay attention), and then attack their character to try to make yourself feel better. I forgot that and couldn't figure out what about the call troubled me. I need to remember... because at least half of our interactions are like this... and because part of me "knows" I'm getting suckered... caught in the games again. But if I'm aware of it, it's pretty easy to deal with. It still feels icky - but at least I can shake it off and inform him that he's responsible for himself. And walk away, untroubled by a nagging fear that I'm being set up as a target again. It's also part of the co-dependent script - or trap as I like to think of it - too.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

[JustKathy]

Okay ... coming back to this thread because it makes sense to continue here. They aren't going to back down. File this one under "How low can you go." Last week I got a note in the mail from my father that said my sister had been involved in a very serious car accident, and to please email him with our new phone number so he could give us details. Otherwise, he would mail me another update. At first I freaked, because I didn't think co-father would stoop that low. My first reaction was to go soft on him, and blame my NM. I thought that maybe he couldn't email me because NM was refusing to give him my email address (she's done that before - holds onto it as a form of power over others).

SO, I waited to see if another note would come with news of my sister's condition. Nothing. So at this point I'm assuming that the whole thing was a lie and NM put him up to it. It's now February and I haven't cashed their Christmas check, so she probably instructed him to take things to the next level in an attempt to verify that they have indeed found my new address. They know that I wouldn't respond if the letter were about the GC, or my mother's "cancer," so they went with my sister instead. I hate saying this, but that one no longer gets to me either. My sister hasn't returned an email or answered a phone call in three years because NM has ordered her to cease contact with me. I feel really sorry for her, being as old as she is and so completely brainwashed, but she could have walked away, as I did. She chose to stay under their umbrella, so it's becoming harder for me to care about her as well.

I'm just ANGRY at this point. They don't want me, they don't love me, so leave me alone. But they won't. It means losing control. Can't let THAT happen.

[Hopalong]

Ugh.
Kathy, my thought is that if your parent was reaching out because they felt compassion for you knowing that you would want to be updated about a sibling's crisis (assuming hospitalization) and yet they KNOW you do not want to be in contact...if the parent's goal was really to meet a need of YOURS to be connected with what was happening to your sibling, another choice would be to:

Write you ad provide the name and address of the hospital and your sister's room number and the unit phone number if YOU wish to call for info on her condition, and
Give instructions to hospital staff that they have permission to answer any questions when the patient's sister calls

That would genuinely faciliate some connection or closure with you and your sister, if their real goal is supporting your and your sister's future relationship.

Otherwise, I think you're right. They're using this "crisis info" as a manipulation to get you in touch. Even if it's all real and something bad has happened to your sister.
It's still insider-information-as-BAIT.

I understand why you don't want to take the bait.

You could just call area hospitals and ask if your sister is a patient, or ask for her room. If she answers, tell her yourself you wish her well. If your parent/s answer, hang up.

Or you could write a snail-mail letter (email is pointless) and mail it to your sister WITHOUT a return address. Get somebody to mail it from another city if you like.

Ugh
Ugh
Ugh

sympathies,
Hops

[JustKathy]

Write you ad provide the name and address of the hospital and your sister's room number and the unit phone number if YOU wish to call for info

Hops, that was exactly my thought. A note of genuine concern would have read: "Your sister was in a serious car accident and has been hospitalized at _______."

My gut feeling tells me that this was nothing more than a fender bender, car is smashed up, she's a little sore. I have an Aunt who has looked out for me all my life, and that Aunt is my sister's boss (ironically, they work at a hospital). If something serious had happened, my Aunt would have contacted me. I think this was probably a minor accident that was used to manipulate me in a major way. SICK! I'm not going to send any cards because that would provide confirmation that I received F's letter, and I want them kept in the dark, forever, if possible. I swear, the games they play.