The "Mama Never Told Me" Thread

[Meh]

This may sound dumb but it created a LOT of problems when I was old enough to start noticing stuff......sex education.
.....Hell of a way to get educated!
Bones

Well sex education in school mostly scared the piss out of me. I wish that in addition to the scare-them-straight style sex ed that was in school...my family would have said anything pleasant at all about having significant others and relationships or something.

I do the same thing with ironing-- (don't do it) I pick out clothes that don't need to be ironed.

I don't know why BUT I LOVE THIS THREAD AND JUST ABOUT EVERY thing you guys have written is making me smile.
The way you all are describing the shape of your eyelids to each other. It's like a bunch of girlfriends.  

What about cooking with salad dressing??? I don't get it. I see some people put salad dressing on steak or put it on shrimp but it always freaked me out. How do you know what kind of salad dressing to cook with what meat combo?????

Wait never mind the salad dressing. I have always been really shy and not very good at flirting.
So um...what is your flirting advice? When I was younger guys seem to think I am a tease or hard to get, because mostly I would avoid. Now I am older and still am not confident at all. Often I just get mainly petrified when flirted with. I usually put a blank expression on my face and wait for them to go away regardless of if I think they are attractive or not...because I feel like it takes me about ten hours to figure out what is going on. I just don't seem to get it until after the fact that there is a flirtation. After the first 10 hours of realizing I have been flirted with it takes me another 10-24 hours to decide what I even think about it. Flirting is often overwhelming to me. Unless it is like a neighbor that I see all the time that I'm not attracted to, then I can banter something back to them. I don't know. Flirting sometimes is like this public spectacle and I feel like I'm in a circus act so I don't take it seriously it is like a passing anomaly of life.

[sKePTiKal]

Bones & Boat...

THANKS for your comments on this. It's not just me, then, that's all tangled up in what I think, how I feel... etc crap. I've wanted to open up some on this topic for awhile... but still hesitating... feeling like a two-headed circus side-show freak about this topic. Yeah, me... Ms. Know-it-All...

Mama never told us that sex and flirting and being close to someone, was supposed to FEEL GOOD and be FUN. Add to that the risk and danger of trusting someone new, and even someone you know well (I'm thinking my hubs of 11 years now) and fold in some whipped-up to merangue freak-out thought-feeling patterns of enmeshed mamas... boundary confusioned parents of either gender who were possessive, controlling, tried to make us think we were "just like them"... or bad for being ourselves.... and god forbid, we dared to have our own feelings; and be accepted by someone OTHER than the queen-goddess-bitch herself (who, I'm 100% sure has a genuine HATE for men)...

... and seriously, it's no wonder I'm a ball of clustered - tangled - knotted, anxious about the whole thing, crazy lady. My hubs doesn't understand; and I can't find a way to talk to him about it - and that sucks, because we can talk about everything and anything. I haven't "scared him off"... or even pissed him off... he's stuck to me like glue... and that's deeply unsettling because of how my mom treated me. Rationally I understand: he's not her... despite a few things that he is that remind me of her. It just pushes some button that I haven't located & disabled yet, when it comes to him.

Maybe... just maybe... the underlying "issue" goes beyond the sex-topic. Maybe it's "play" itself... feeling good... deserving of and allowing oneself to have fun... feel good                     without                     the fear of something "bad" happening as a consequence of it. I think boundaries are big part of the fear... why we pull back, withdraw, "stop", or shutdown & avoid. Trust, too. I think the abject "failure" of the mother-child relationship stands like some monument warning us, warning our unconscious anxiety & terror about that ONE relationship that failed... that "it could happen again".

NOTE that this is what I see in myself; don't know 'bout y'all... but I have been trying to untangle this cluster for awhile now. Too long, really.

[sKePTiKal]

Boat! It is cleaning kung-fu! One centers, drops the chi, and utilizes all the senses (quieting the mind) and then - just do.

Yes, sweep then mop. And... I will even vacumn/sweep again after mopping, which will sometimes loosen bits of gunk from the floor. But that's way anal... and pointless - because it a.) never gets "perfect" and b.) gets dirty within 5 minutes again anyway. I have had to teach myself to use different levels/definitions of "clean", otherwise I'd never do anything else: there's the "I'm in a hurry, take care of the top-layer only, and declutter" clean. Like when someone calls and plans to drop in unexpectedly in 15 minutes, and I haven't gotten out of my pajamas yet.

Salad dressing is used like a marinade; some labels even mention that. The idea is that citrusy, or acidic juices help tenderize the meat. Some combinations are pretty common: lemon pepper or lemon & herb for chicken... soy, sesame, ginger - chicken or pork... apple cider and pork... the easy tip I just saw: use a gal baggie and add meat & marinade, put a plate under & refrigerate - some things are OK overnight; some just take an hour or so. Fish I think is shorter time frame. You shouldn't reuse the marinade; toss instead - because of the cross-contamination risk of raw meat. Oh yeah - I think I just saw a recipe for a bruschetta that uses salad dressing, too... or something else...

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Boat.

I never could figure out the flirting stuff.  Most likely because of my Aspergers.  I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department.  Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas.  (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)

As for salad dressing in cooking, I tend to experiment with different flavor combinations, out of curiosity, just to see what would happen.  Sometimes it tastes good and sometimes it's YUCK!  Oh well.....

Bones
========================================================================================================

This may sound dumb but it created a LOT of problems when I was old enough to start noticing stuff......sex education.
.....Hell of a way to get educated!
Bones

Well sex education in school mostly scared the piss out of me. I wish that in addition to the scare-them-straight style sex ed that was in school...my family would have said anything pleasant at all about having significant others and relationships or something.

I do the same thing with ironing-- (don't do it) I pick out clothes that don't need to be ironed.

I don't know why BUT I LOVE THIS THREAD AND JUST ABOUT EVERY thing you guys have written is making me smile.
The way you all are describing the shape of your eyelids to each other. It's like a bunch of girlfriends.  

What about cooking with salad dressing??? I don't get it. I see some people put salad dressing on steak or put it on shrimp but it always freaked me out. How do you know what kind of salad dressing to cook with what meat combo?????

Wait never mind the salad dressing. I have always been really shy and not very good at flirting.
So um...what is your flirting advice? When I was younger guys seem to think I am a tease or hard to get, because mostly I would avoid. Now I am older and still am not confident at all. Often I just get mainly petrified when flirted with. I usually put a blank expression on my face and wait for them to go away regardless of if I think they are attractive or not...because I feel like it takes me about ten hours to figure out what is going on. I just don't seem to get it until after the fact that there is a flirtation. After the first 10 hours of realizing I have been flirted with it takes me another 10-24 hours to decide what I even think about it. Flirting is often overwhelming to me. Unless it is like a neighbor that I see all the time that I'm not attracted to, then I can banter something back to them. I don't know. Flirting sometimes is like this public spectacle and I feel like I'm in a circus act so I don't take it seriously it is like a passing anomaly of life.

[Meh]

Bones & Boat...

THANKS for your comments on this. It's not just me, then, that's all tangled up in what I think, how I feel... etc crap. I've wanted to open up some on this topic for awhile... but still hesitating... feeling like a two-headed circus side-show freak about this topic. Yeah, me... Ms. Know-it-All...

Mama never told us that sex and flirting and being close to someone, was supposed to FEEL GOOD and be FUN.
... and seriously, it's no wonder I'm a ball of clustered - tangled - knotted, anxious about the whole thing, crazy lady. My hubs what I see in myself; don't know 'bout y'all... but I have been trying to untangle this cluster for awhile now. Too long, really.

Hey Phoenix,
.....SAVE..(bouncing screen thing)

[Meh]

Hey...Phoenix:      No, it's not just you, seems that it is at least both true for me and Bones also so that is at least three of us. Aspergers would make it even more confusing in Bones case..

I'm a little surprised that this comes up for you Phoenix, for some reason I would think that being married really difuses this stuff especially since he has stayed around.

What is this circus show thing for you? I mean does intimacy or romance or even love or whatever..put us into these hazes of psychological tornado storms? That's what it feels and sounds like to me. Really with all of the problems that we collectively have on this board maybe the significant other etc. is the event that causes the perfect storm in our own beings? Now that I am writing this out and reading what you have written it's becoming a little more clear to me how much emotional chaos there is around this area.

For me it is all of a sudden there is attention on me and sometimes it's like a strange overwhelming attention like I am all of a sudden so self aware..and I think it's also the feeling of being unlovable. Then also maybe not having the great interpersonal skills to play or flirt back. I think that is the combo for me and shame also. I feel shame when people flirt with me I think. But also since it doesn't happen that often or it's not a way of life for me I am also stunned by it. It's not really suppose to be that hard, for some people it is just a simple uncomplicated thing I think. I guess in someways like you when you say "untangle" I think I do have a desire for some life experiences to be more smooth, there is a need for ease in there somewhere so that little things are not these like psychodrama events. Really I am always slightly hiding in my mind...and when someone starts to flirt metaphorically it's like being a fish under a beach rock that has just been turned over...there is like an uncomfortable feeling of being seen and wanting to emotionally hide maybe. I'm not really totally sure. For me there is also a lot of fear because I have confusion over what version of MY SELF are they seeing. I feel like I have good versions and bad versions of SELF and I have anxiety that the person is going to see this bad version of SELF.

Have you ever noticed that some mothers basically flirt a lot with their children. I don't mean in a sexual wrong way or anything. I'm thinking of an old friend who just absolutely adored children and the best way I could describe the way she interacted with them was flirtation?

[Meh]

I never could figure out the flirting stuff.  Most likely because of my Aspergers.  I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department.  Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas.  (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)

Bones

So you ask off the wall questions as an attempt to flirt? For example?
(That is better then me, I keep my mouth shut and usually don't say anything and stare at them with an incredulous look)
Do you think that asking the right questions is important in flirting? Some people can just flirt from across a room. I have a nephew who is a total flirt, isn't it funny how some little kids are flirty and it is a totally innocent thing? It makes me wonder what exactly flirting is. If it's something that children do then I don't think it has to be like this highly sexualized thing, I think maybe like Phoenix pointed out maybe it is more a qualty of playfulness.

I once was on a road trip with someone who had Aspergers, he was super smart working on finishing his PhD in Physics. I never picked up on his Aspergers but other people around him did seem to notice and were not sure what to think about him.

[teartracks]

Well my measure of how clean the floor (linoleum) should be after finishing mopping (a string mop) was that it should be clean enough to dry the dishes with once you're finished mopping.  If not, start over.  I never used the mop to dry the dishes, bult the goal was that it end up being clean enough that one could.

I have a different house now and I can never reach that goal.  I get it as clean as I can using my old method (two to three tiny drops of dish detergent to a pail of water), but the mop couldn't be used to dry the dishes afterwards.  This house has different dirt around it, more ways for dirt to get into it, plus my husband must wear his shoes in and out the house because of medical problem with right leg.  So I've learned to redefine what constitutes clean.  I mop and rinse, mop and rinse then take the head off my mop and put it through the washer.  That makes it clean enough to dry the dishes but the minute I mop the floor the dream is lost.  Flexible - we must be flexible.

tt

[Meh]

The other thing about flirting is that I NEVER initiate it EVER. It never occurs to me to actually PICK someone out and then flirt with them. Sort of bugs me in a weird way that other people are okay with picking me to flirt with because sometimes I really don't want to be flirted with by some people--but I feel like I can't initiate a flirt myself. It's a pretty passive role to not pick the person you will flirt with. Often the men that do flirt with me are older then I approve of but not always. I had a paramedic flirt with me a while ago and it was in a grocery store, I was dressed sort of nice because I was going to a volunteer thing and it's an excuse to get a little dolled up. I sort of guess that if someone flirts with me it should be a little more secret and clandestine. In a grocery store I feel like looking around and seeing what other people around me think and that is exactly what is going though my head...."What are bystanders thinking" My psyche expects that there is a disapproving bystander that says "You can't do that"....Or maybe that is the  part of me that controls and monitors everything.

So I guess on top of the above feeling of shame etc. I also feel like I am being judged. But maybe that doesnt really exist. Maybe I am not being judged in the way that I imagine I am. I don't know.

I feel like I am not allowed to.
 

[BonesMS]

I never could figure out the flirting stuff.  Most likely because of my Aspergers.  I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department.  Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas.  (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)

Bones

So you ask off the wall questions as an attempt to flirt? For example?
(That is better then me, I keep my mouth shut and usually don't say anything and stare at them with an incredulous look)
Do you think that asking the right questions is important in flirting? Some people can just flirt from across a room. I have a nephew who is a total flirt, isn't it funny how some little kids are flirty and it is a totally innocent thing? It makes me wonder what exactly flirting is. If it's something that children do then I don't think it has to be like this highly sexualized thing, I think maybe like Phoenix pointed out maybe it is more a qualty of playfulness.

I once was on a road trip with someone who had Aspergers, he was super smart working on finishing his PhD in Physics. I never picked up on his Aspergers but other people around him did seem to notice and were not sure what to think about him.

Thanks, Boat.

The questions I tend to ask aren't considered flirty.  One time, a guy tried some pick-up line on me, (can't remember exactly what he said), and I got confused.  I simply blurted, "Why are you asking me?  There are better looking women than me around here!"  I just didn't understand what he was trying to do.     (I didn't know about Aspergers back then.)

[BonesMS]

Bones & Boat...

THANKS for your comments on this. It's not just me, then, that's all tangled up in what I think, how I feel... etc crap. I've wanted to open up some on this topic for awhile... but still hesitating... feeling like a two-headed circus side-show freak about this topic. Yeah, me... Ms. Know-it-All...

Mama never told us that sex and flirting and being close to someone, was supposed to FEEL GOOD and be FUN. Add to that the risk and danger of trusting someone new, and even someone you know well (I'm thinking my hubs of 11 years now) and fold in some whipped-up to merangue freak-out thought-feeling patterns of enmeshed mamas... boundary confusioned parents of either gender who were possessive, controlling, tried to make us think we were "just like them"... or bad for being ourselves.... and god forbid, we dared to have our own feelings; and be accepted by someone OTHER than the queen-goddess-bitch herself (who, I'm 100% sure has a genuine HATE for men)...

... and seriously, it's no wonder I'm a ball of clustered - tangled - knotted, anxious about the whole thing, crazy lady. My hubs doesn't understand; and I can't find a way to talk to him about it - and that sucks, because we can talk about everything and anything. I haven't "scared him off"... or even pissed him off... he's stuck to me like glue... and that's deeply unsettling because of how my mom treated me. Rationally I understand: he's not her... despite a few things that he is that remind me of her. It just pushes some button that I haven't located & disabled yet, when it comes to him.

Maybe... just maybe... the underlying "issue" goes beyond the sex-topic. Maybe it's "play" itself... feeling good... deserving of and allowing oneself to have fun... feel good                     without                     the fear of something "bad" happening as a consequence of it. I think boundaries are big part of the fear... why we pull back, withdraw, "stop", or shutdown & avoid. Trust, too. I think the abject "failure" of the mother-child relationship stands like some monument warning us, warning our unconscious anxiety & terror about that ONE relationship that failed... that "it could happen again".

NOTE that this is what I see in myself; don't know 'bout y'all... but I have been trying to untangle this cluster for awhile now. Too long, really.

Thanks, P.R.

Trying to figure stuff out on my own, with a differently-wired brain, is VERY confusing!

Bones

[Meh]

How about this: "Just stick your butt out and blow kisses to everyone"
I was looking on youtube for some sort of psychological study on flirting and body language etc.

I look up flirting and the results that come up are talking sexy, how to strip and how to fake sex. To me that isn't really flirting is it?
All seems rather contrived.  
Just wondering.  

I mean socially we went from reciting poetry and writing letters...to strip-aerobics at the local gym. I guess I'm sort of tired of the hyper erotic.

Does anyone else feel like your average woman is constantly auditioning for a porn job? Even at work...in front of the male boss.

When I think about this stuff it doesn't seem fun or playful to me, it seems like competitive porn auditions...

[debkor]

I had a bunch of ceramic floor tiles left over....Wow makes some really great hot plates.

[Hopalong]

I'm sort of tired of the hyper erotic.

Oh me too, Boat, me too.

This culture's craziness in a nutshell...

Hops

[teartracks]

I had a bunch of ceramic floor tiles left over....Wow makes some really great hot plates.

Deb, I use tiles that way too.  I put little 'feet' on the corners with my glue gun.  It lifts them off the counter top and keeps them from slipping.  The glue needs to cure for a day or so before using.

tt