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"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"

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sfalken:
Nmom said that to me exactly the same, all of the time.

Word for word.

I think now that it's meant to isolate you. On one hand, she's sucking you dry of your emotional lifeblood, and on the other, what she's really telling you is, "No one will ever believe that my image is less than perfect, little darling... Don't even think about speaking up to others."

Hang in there.

SF

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom.  If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much." 
--- End quote ---

I completely "get" this, NLS... that unsettling dissonance between appearances and reality; and for me, this huge fear that "other people" will believe the fakey-holier than thou, yet horribly victimized picture my mom creates of herself... instead of what I know, without a doubt, is how I've been treated and what she did to me... that has taken me years to undo. The worst of this, was the self-doubt... which led to dependency on others' feedback, approval, etc... simply because the pattern got stuck in my brain, that no one would believe me -- about her.

I had to make a conscious effort to believe my self about what happened then; and how things are now. Can you imagine what that's like?? I still have moments when I fall back into that old pattern, but it's way better than before.

JustKathy:
No one in my family has ever told me that they love me. I'm 51, and have still never heard the word. My NM has, however, written it in the nasty notes she sends. I once got a three page tirade where she told me how evil I was for going NC, filled with MAJOR drama. She told that I was a hateful person who was jealous of my brother (the GC) for no reason. That was followed by something along the lines of, "I love my two girls as much as I love my son, and he has never gotten anything that you didn't get." So she's not telling me that she loves me, she's trying to convince me that the millions of dollars in cash, cars, and houses that he's been given is a figment of my imagination.

Kathy

river:

--- Quote ---   It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom.  If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much."  My mom does brag about me to others at work and presents herself as being very attached.  

 My pedophile step-dad also says he loves me very much. I get all of these sappy and sweet cards for my birthday.

I do think abusive parents love their kids and will say that they love them. In their sick heads, the abuse is a form of love or they are in such denial of what they're doing.

I also find it questionable when a parent feels the need to brag about how much they love a child.  When you love someone, you just do it. Why go out of your way to brag about it?

Freshwater-Yes, my mom does have a number of nicknames for me. It's so weird how she morphs into this loving mom in public that's ready to shower me with affection, but she becomes cold once the door closes.


In middleschool when I was getting bullied and sexually abused, my mom would again "Not even your husband will love me as much as I do." For godsakes, your husband is molesting me and you're ignoring the red flags.  I'm having my self-esteem ripped to shreds at school and you also say "Just put up with it, because it's the best school in the state." That's love?  
--- End quote ---

Again, apologies not to read all the posts.
 But I love what you said Nlas, its an oxymoron to beat all oxymorons.   The in-built implicit message is 'dont separate from me', ie I dont support you to grow into a life where you are deeply fulfilled in love.  I want you dependent on me.  If you feel guilt also as a result of this statment, thats not my problem.  As well, in my world, the way I relate is to be the bestest at everything, including loving you.  I AM the centre of the world in my universe, as well as in yours.  
 And there you have it, the relational anatomy of the way an N relates.   And I wouldnt be suprised if this actually came out of a tiny kernal of real love.   But in the disorders of the self, specially N, all legitimate real feelings are hijacted, and co-opted for the purpose of control, grandiosity ect, the usual N type agenda's.  
phew, thanks for that opportunity to get all that out,  not many people in the world would care or understand this at all.    

Butterfly:
Yes, verbatim . . . while she criticized me. 

More infamous words from NMom:

"You shouldn't feel that way."
"Nobody likes you."
"You'll never . . . ."
"I will always love you as long as you . . . ."
"I don't know why you did . . . ."
"You are so ridiculous."
"You are so dramatic."
"You look so much better when you . . . ." 

And the kicker:

"Don't you care about my feelings!!!"

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