Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
New thread for flirting, opposite sex relationship stuff
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---Hubs gets serious neck cramps when he falls asleep...in an awkward position. I was waking him, to prompt him to go lie down and stretch out more comfortably.
....I need a boundary with him....it takes a cumulative toll on me, to "hold up" under this constant nitpicky stream of trying to make me responsible, accountable and "in charge of" his state of being. I really don't want to be - ....manage his own crap[/b], existential or otherwise
--- End quote ---
Hey PR,
Sometimes when I look at stuff I've written like an editor later, things jump out. Thought I'd try to do this for you in case it helps. What jumped out at me was a contradiction, and I thought you might not have seen that because of the volume of energy you felt around this event. (Which was a great microcosm story to tell. And thank you for it.)
What I noticed off the bat was -- he didn't make you, you CHOSE to be in charge of "prompting him". He's a grownup! If he gets neck cramps, that may motivate him to change his habit. Or not. So then, he has neck pain. Ahh. Well, it's his body.... How lovely it would be for you to feel serene about NOT correcting, fixing, being responsible for his own natural consequence. Even stupid ones. In choosing to wake him to "prompt him" -- I wonder if unconsciously (despite your conscious desire to NOT experience this) you put yourself in the role of parent?
(Of course, yank him out of traffic if need be. :lol: But a small personal choice like that with non-fatal consequences? If it's important enough to him to avoid neck cramps, he'll figure it out. Or maybe he's gone passive because he's gotten a little too MUCH instruction? People can become more helpless. (I know I have. And I've set my D up for this too...which is probably why I'm noticing it in your anecdote. Pot and Kettle and who cares, if we all benefit.)
Anyway, maybe the boundary you really need to set is with yourself -- learning to turn off (or abide with or compassionately observe) your own urge to be in charge and give instruction and take control.
So--him trying to "make you" responsible. In this instance, he didn't. You made yourself responsible. He was just asleep.
I believe you completely that you feel a strong need to rely on him to manage his own crap. And perhaps this was an isolated instance, not part of an interaction pattern. Bet not, though. Mine never are. I think the focus on him, and your frustration, probably comes more from the sabotaging thing (that works against that goal) that's coming from you--how deeply uncomfortable it is to deal with and release your desire to control.
I completely understand why controlling things/people is a survival drive in you. Makes perfect sense. And in that way that even things we don't want to do to ourselves develop for very logical-psyche and healing-from-crap reasons...maybe what was once survival has become handicap. (It is for me anyway.)
But that's what got illuminated for me in reading this post. Thank you for sharing the story. It's just amazing to me how our lives and our issues appear in the humblest anecdotes. We're like freakin' billboards about who we are and we can't get back far enough to see what they say.
(But friends do, sometimes. I have been informed that I "edit everything" -- one of the more memorable lines, delivered without annoyance. But...blush. BUSTED. What I'm trying to get at is, if I'm at all or partially correct in my observations...I hope you'll look at whatever feeling pops up with compassion too.)
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
You folk-es are the bestest.
Somewhere along the line of talking about this, I realized I was a big part of "what happens" - which in turn, sets off the stuff that bothers me... that I'm trying to change, or at least know I want to change about me...
but I'm all tangled up right now. I could write pages... and not say anything. Your feedback is helpful (and a lot clearer than I am right now).
Hopalong:
I'm controlling, too. And completely blind to it half the time.
I interpret it verrrry differently when I'm actually in the grip of being controlling (or "editing" everything in view) -- I tell myself that it's anxiety, caring, desire to help, and I'm often terribly perplexed at why others can't just SEE that my insight is amazing, my advice is spot-on, and my intuition is worth its weight in diamonds. And if they'd listen to me, well then they'd be all better!
Meanwhile, controlling myself? Feh. Not HALF as interesting as editing everybody else. As I write I am avoiding 2 months' worth of paperwork and unopened envelopes. Wondering if the lady I'm hiring to help me with this stuff is going to feel judgmental when she arrives in an hour. I ponder all the time my lack of self-control when it comes to that basic adult part of life. Triggers a ton of shame and frustration, but not nearly enough change.
In fact (back to the thread topic) -- one reason I sometimes retreat from the idea of dating is fear that if someone else gets to know how many blank spots there are in my life that result from me not controlling ME ... they'd not like it.
So this here Pot thinks she recognizes Kettles sometimes, but I'm really grateful we're banging around in this kitchen together. Something's getting cooked that hopefully, in the long run, might be good for our health.
love,
Hops
Meh:
Hops, what do you mean blank spots?
Hopalong:
Hi Boat, or Tree (shoot, I liked "Boat" :)) --
By blank spots I mean areas of responsible proper behavior that I think most other people DO, and I barely do, or don't do, such as:
--consistently cleaning
--consistently paying bills on time and organzing paperwork
--consistently exercising
--consistently eating grownup food
What happens is, for my job -- I function in spurts but extended creative pretty succsessful spurts, so despite my deficits, I'm the only one in my company who can do what I do (the writing, the "voice" we present to the customers, and the company's public profile, which is a multi-page site with loads of blog posts, and which drives a lot of business) as well as I do it. (And my boss is accustomed to having me polish his writing into something that can be posted.) So there...the blank spots merge in or get outweighed by the roles I play well.
For my home, well, nobody is inspecting my room or bath or sloppy study or messy piles of mail. But a life partner would not find this acceptable behavior, I think. It feels like a "blank spot" to me, and I feel as though I "get away with it" -- because literally there's nobody to edit ME. Nobody watching, supervising, etc. So if I'm going to fill in the blank spot I have to actually exercise some self discipline which, other than to retain my job...I just don't display much of.
TT -- thank you. The lady just left and she was delightful and helpful and a decent person so I'm feeling quite hopeful that she's going to help me build a system that works for me.
Thank you, too, for the reminder about shame and how pointless it is to make a big f-ing SECRET of the weaknesses I feel vulnerable about. I really do agree with you...I'm just too old to want to make a big pretend-self to impress anybody (including anybody male)...so thank you. Reminds me to continue to practice self-love. When I do remember that, I am willing to laugh at myself, speak the truth about what I'm good at and not...and you're right, let the chips fall.
I was affected by your description over the nearly-servile doting. I really can imagine that. First, i can imagine my own "squick-meter" running high if I didn't know where the behavior came from. What's lovely is that you weren't fixated on JUDGING him for it, you actually wanted to understand what it was about! Bravo.
I remember I used to, way back when young, feel freaked out by the degree of doting my father did to my mother. I saw it as servile and found it maddening. Getting older...I put together that HIS model of a husband was his own father, who had been devoted to his mother to a near-saintly degree (even after she was paralysed, voiceless and bedridden for 13 years after a stroke). What was funny was how this bled into my Dad's present...my mother had the constitution of a Clydesdale but a great appetite for being a princess, and their unconscious needs made them an incredible "fit." Once I understood that this made perfect interior sense to my Dad, in a way I don't think he was very aware of...I lost my judgement and contempt and saw he was living out a logic from his psyche that had grace to him.
Yoicks, if I hired a male to do this who had 2 teeth and a sense of humor...I'd NEVER be able to concentrate!
hugs,
Hops
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version