So, today... I'm thinking I kinda understand those women who essentially are saying: Take my hubby, PLEASE! I'm also reminded of the reports of Japanese women committing suicide after their husbands retire ...
Despite the fact, that hubs and I are together almost constantly 24/7... from the time I wake up till the time my lights go out at night... if I go somewhere to do something alone - he "gets lonely" and comes & tracks me down. He won't eat unless I do. He claims to not be able to "do" anything on his own without my assistance. If I'm here writing too long... he whines. Like a child tugging at my skirts - mommy, mommy!
Our constant struggle is over his ability to do tasks, solo - whether it's sorting and recycling his magazines, washing dishes... organizing his workspace and files, even his garage. Yet the man was very competent in his work life. And quite social, as well. And he doesn't seem to understand my need to go do things all by myself, either. This doesn't bode well for starting to do creative work again, does it? I had one of my famous "meltdowns" yesterday, because I was trying to clean up, visualize further decorating ideas, put away our creative, christmas-y mess... so that I could wrap presents. I tend to "flit" as he says, from one type of task to another if it's in my direct path. Progressively accomplishing a totality of clean, in the space. Every step I took - he was in front of me. Every move I made, there he was... and of course, he made comments and asked a lot of what are you doing now?? questions and worst of all: I was trying to work and he just stood there watching me. This is his definition of "helping".
aaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!
We have talked about this for 10 years. I have explained that I need time alone. With other people. Without him. That it drives me up a wall to have someone stand around and watch me work - when there are things that he could be doing. And that I resent being made responsible for cleaning up his messes... and that I can't take care of everything around the house all by myself - I need his active participation... but not in the way he likes to do this: telling me what I'm doing wrong and then inserting himself into the process, so that once again the divide and conquer strategy is sabotaged.
When he's working - he does want me to stand there and pat him on the back and make suggestions. He needs his gold stars and hubby points. The minute I turn my attention to something productive -- he stops; it's as if he needs an audience to perform. And then he's interrupting what I'm doing....
On the one hand, I feel like he absolutely doesn't understand the need to be alone that I have; why I enjoy it... and I completely don't understand his need for my attention, every waking minute of his existence either. How on earth did he put in those long hours at work without me??? I'm not buying the "I love you more" line either. It's almost as if he doesn't trust the strength of the relationship enough, for each of us to have our own individual lives within it. SIGH............. I keep telling him that was one of the other wives; not me.
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