my daughter's dilemma

[sKePTiKal]

Fingers crossed, charging up the white light machine... and I second Lighter's "good job", Hops. Time for you to have something else to think about, too. 'Coz worrying won't help her and it'll wear you down. Sometimes being distracted is a GOOD thing.

btw: tt & I have nominated you our first choice in the fictional "Rent a Mommy" business I'm fantasizing about...

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

You're amazing.  Still praying. 

tt

[teartracks]

Okay, PR, as long as it's fictional and a fantasy, I'll play along 

tt

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sea storm]

Dearest Hops,

I haven't been following this site for quite awhile so only found out about your stressful situation just now. My heart goes out to you. You are so powerless to change her behaviour no matter how much knowledge and goodwill that you have. What comes through very loud and clear is how much empathy and love you have for your child. The other thing that I hear is that she is projecting her contempt and anger at herself on to you and the weight of that is crippling. As it would be for anyone.

I have a beloved sister who is BiPolar and she downloads her rage on to me. I have to remember when it is her illness and when she is responsible for herself. I am not that good at knowing when she is co opted by her illness. It is a lot like loving an alcoholic. I mean wanting them to get better and be helpful but knowing that they can't get better until I stop trying to rescue. This is gut wrenching, soul searching, searing pain.  What I learned after my daughter disowned me and I thought it would kill me is that NO ONE is allowed to shatter my world and destroy my will to live. That included my daughter who was the light of my life. 
I have to be important to myself so that no one can mess with that. I have to let my daughter know that so she feels safe in this world.

I have kept on loving my daughter and kept in touch but I don't rise to the bait anymore. This is so hard to do. She has lost the power to hurt me so deeply. In the end it makes for a better relationship. If I sound like a know it all I am sorry for that. I go to Al anon and it helps me to remember to keep myself healthy and detach. I give a lot over to God and my higher power.

I wish for you healing and detachment from this terrible trial.  You are such a good soul and have a generous heart. I don't know why God gives you this to learn from. It is beyond me. I think there are probably a lot of people who love you.

My heart goes out to you.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Sea, what a great comfort to hear this from you.
I know you've been through a similar fire...now I'm thinking of it as a kiln.

Your progress is just amazing.
You have earned your beautiful, protective glaze.

Wow.

Thank you, so much. This really lifted me.

xo
Hops

[sea storm]

Hi Hops,

Really good to hear from you too. It is baffling to me that your daughter keeps beating you up verbally and with actions. You are just never good enough in her mind. I recognize this movie as it is similar to mine. This might sound odd but has anyone tried to poison your daughter against you? When they are little they can be influenced this way. It never occurred to me that my ex would do that or that his new wife would do that but that is what happened. Part of it anyway. My part was probably acting the role of the "crazy woman" when he would come to pick her up and I would not let her go. So he looked cool and my daughter was screaming to go with him but I would not let her get in a car with a drunk.  That sort of thing.

Just a little vignette to explain how things slide of the rails.
Christmas has come and gone. My daughter and I were getting close again but then she started in on me and I forgot to put up my protective shield and her contempt came through again. I have to back off and let people who do care about me become more of the centre of my life. They were there but if my daughter beckons they become invisible to me. This is not working.

You are a lovely person Hops. Many time you have given me kindness, love, and courage.  Remember NO ONE gets to take that from you. 

Many blessings to you. I was away for awhile over the holidays. I stayed with my sister and we got along for the first time in decades. I refused to rise to the bait. instead I would recognize it and deep breathe and reject the anger in my head. I would say. Thanks for the offer of anger but not today. No thanks.  It was hard on my sister and she broke down and started to talk about her fears.

Tryng to survive the alienation of  my daughter has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I want so much to heal it.I have made mistakes with her along the way.

I really can''t fix my child's life. I can't offer help unless it is clearly asked for. I can't make her love me.
It is a fire, Hops. I don't want to stick my hand in the fire again.   

You are just wonderful. Let yourself thrive. Plant yourself in a field where you can bloom. ( sorry to be so bossy).
I know from working with families if you try to help them and lend a hand when they are in crisis and they don't want your help, watch out because they will try to bite your hand off.

My beloved child is going to learn her lessons the hard way. It is hard watching this. I am not good at it. But I had better learn.

Much love to you Hops and to all the other parents who suffer and are hurt by their children.

Sea storm

[sunblue]

Gosh Hops...I'm so sorry for your situation.  I don't know all the details of your family but it sounds like your daughter is taking out a lot (unfairly) on you.  I can only imagine the pain that causes.  I'm wondering what would happen if you withdrew for a time.....would she try to make amends, or try to do better?  I think those who have been the victims of Ns tend to be more giving, vulnerable and generous in spirit which sometimes makes them the target of those who think they can take advantage.

I hope you can spend the rest of this holiday with people who don't treat you that way, but who recognize your special gifts.

[sKePTiKal]

So, how are you getting along this week, Hops?

What's your news, what have you been up to?

[Hopalong]

Hi all (sorry PR, didn't see your 12/28 post):

D is arriving tonight for a visit of a week or possibly two. I have set a limit of Feb. 1st (have a possibly new tenant moving in then.)
She has some sort of appt. in her city Weds. (mentioned paperwork) so I'm pleased -- without knowing what it is, sounds like she's doing something, or has something in motion. Don't know anything about it though.

She is leaving her cat with me for a half-week. I said okay. I'm allergic but he'll be in a separate room. Poor kitty's been dragged from pillar to post and I'm fond of him. He'll be awfully lonely during the 2 middle days when one I'm gone 10 hours, and the next 12. I've asked her to wipe him down with a hot (nearly dry) washcloth twice a day, that's supposed to help keep down the dander.

Her tone's been fairly courteous with a few exceptions. Don't know if it's because she wants something or if she's really trying to get a grip and relate in a more adult way. I've been extremely anxious about her coming but I am also going to keep things calm and adult. I am not going to try to advise her or direct her but only talk to her like any other adult. Courteous, etc.

Main thing is to not permit anything abusive and take very clear care of myself and set boundaries. One idea I had, because her requesting money is inevitable, is to explain to her that since I need help with the house because it will be showing again to buyers starting next month, if she needs a small amount of financial help, I'll ask her to earn it by helping me here. I am skeptical that she will, but we'll see.

Wish us luck. If we could have a visit that's basically peaceful and polite, that would be wonderful. I have no craving for emotional intimacy with her and feel it's better for us to try to be less reactive and less involved. Love's there, but I need no drama.

I am hoping the abusiveness was a function of her illness and that after these sobering months living on couches, she may be motivated to be civil and a bit more considerate.

Send light!
love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Your plan sounds good Hops. I think you have all the bases covered!

Kitties are quite self-sufficient and able to be left alone. I think they simply curl up and dream saber-tooth tiger kitty dreams and they don't have the same sense of time passing. When we get back after a week away, they'll stretch and look at us as if to say: oh? You're back already?? What'd you bring me?

[teartracks]

Send light!
love,
Hops

Hops, hope this doesn't wax too Bibley.

Hops,

I was too Bible-y.  

tt






 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, PR...hope so too!

This one doesn't fit the usual independent-kitty mold, though. (I'd had cats for decades until my last one died about 5 years ago.)

This fella was a declawed rescue when my D got him years ago. He has huge abandonment issues, and howls when he's left alone or when situations are upset (which being the kitty of a young woman in turmoil and having to 'couch-surf' with her, has been the case) He's not quite the usual cat. A real sweetie but a neurotic one. (He also lost his sister-cat in the last year, as well as being on the road.)

We'll cope. If I don't get asthma from it, I'll be happy to give him some cuddles.
Very fond of him and hope he doesn't wail all night. If I keep my own stress low, that'll help him.
She promises to come back for him the following weekend.

Hops

[BonesMS]

Thanks, PR...hope so too!

This one doesn't fit the usual independent-kitty mold, though. (I'd had cats for decades until my last one died about 5 years ago.)

This fella was a declawed rescue when my D got him years ago. He has huge abandonment issues, and howls when he's left alone or when situations are upset (which being the kitty of a young woman in turmoil and having to 'couch-surf' with her, has been the case) He's not quite the usual cat. A real sweetie but a neurotic one. (He also lost his sister-cat in the last year, as well as being on the road.)

We'll cope. If I don't get asthma from it, I'll be happy to give him some cuddles.
Very fond of him and hope he doesn't wail all night. If I keep my own stress low, that'll help him.
She promises to come back for him the following weekend.

Hops

I wish I lived closer so I can come over and Kitty-sit...giving the four-legged fur baby a lot of one-on-one attention.  I would enjoy spoiling that baby being kitty-grandma!

Bones

[Hopalong]

Aww, thanks, Bones.

Prrrrrrrrrrr.

Hops