Therapists

[Meh]

You're welcome, Boat.  I think that is what is frustrating....getting the sense that the therapist is not being thoughtful.  It feels as if they are not really listening.

Bones

Yeah, one doesnt listen with just the ears or through our mental filters of our own agendas. One hears without a real agenda or time schedule. Maybe one does hear through the heart when one is really listening but hey that can't happen all the time out there in this big world. But it's nice to remember.

[Meh]

Could practically bite chunks and shake my head back and forth with the pages in my mouth, out of the book on dating but I'm going to read it anyways. Just in case.

Will try therapist at least one more time just in case.
Listen to music every moment I can and flip it to anybody that says I'm frivolous
I've always felt a slight homeness amongst artists types, musicians I could just crawl into their instrument cases LOVE music LOVE IT
Musicians are like the luckiest people ever

Part of me says about the therapy stuff is that:
 "I don't care how much I like or love or know myself, I just want somebody else to LOVE me".
I want to cheat on myself with somebody else for once.
May have to tell some lies to myself in order to do this. Honestly, I have to ask myself if there isnt a NEED to REBEL against myself.

I ask myself am I having important failures or just plain old failures that are a waste of lifetime energy.

[sKePTiKal]

The sewing room: talk about an aimless walk or ramble....

I CAN make: clothes - tailored, lined, fitted... not quite "couture"... but the bridesmaids dresses I made still impress me, in the pictures. I make toys, kids clothes - would LOVE to have a granddaughter (even niece) to make "heirloom" dresses for... lots of hand work... lace, etc. I can make utilitarian things: bags, curtains, cushions. upholstery...

CAN...

but don't.

Then again - a lot of "who I am" is wrapped up in making things.... pick a medium... I'm thinking about taking a welding class, just to play with the tools and make something out of steel. I make things - period. Maker. Been making candy stuff in my kitchen; first stuff I've "made" in a couple of years. Cooking is Making. Becoming... oneself... is "making".

[sKePTiKal]

Boat: there's nothing wrong or screwy with you.

This where your past Ts have failed you. You are just fine... the "problem" - if we have to have one - is that you don't feel that way. I know. I don't either. But when I finally get pissed and clear all the crap away... that's what's left: nothing really wrong with me (considering). We've had a lot o' crap in our past... we survived... we're even surprisingly intact... we don't have to feel guilty or embarrassed about it. It WAS what it was. It isn't NOW.

I think - though what I think should be questioned - I think, you're just on the edge of finally "flying" out of your abusively defined "comfort zone". It may help to have that impartial third party to talk it through with... as you plan, negotiate, dream and dare to break out to [what?]... but it's still going to be you calling ALL the shots - when, what, why, how, and in what form...

in the end, it all comes down to you... and that oughta maybe might feel reassuring? After all: it was you that finally saw the rot and decay at the heart of FOO right? How dangerous it was for you... and got you OUT. Pronto. You saved yourself.

YAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!

[river]

I want to cheat on myself with somebody else for once.
   

............ love that, its funny.  You're right in a way.  All the blurb out there that says 'love yourself' when we're designed to love and be loved by another.   I think this 'love yourself' takes some translating into reality to make it realistic.   
r. 

[Meh]

Can I talk to my therapist about dating?
Its a normal therapy topic isnt it?

I feel so ashamed in bringing it up with a therapist, they are clinical and not my friend and they don't know me. Maybe I will just ask her not to record anything I say about that stuff that would make me feel better. I have some kind of irrational fear that somebody is going to see my mental health file and they are going to say "Look how sad and pathetic this patient is, Nobody loves her"[/b]To me saying to my therapist "I want to be loved, I think I want to date even though I have all this stuff going on"--well it feels really taboo to me.

I feel like I'm going to be exposed as an unloved loser!!!!

Or that the therapist is going to try to make me accept with "reframing my thoughts" that I am not an unloved loser.
But the fact still remains that I am alone and lonely and by myself and I don't want to be.
Maybe the therapist herself isnt even in a happy relationship.

[Meh]

I'm tired, I don't want the therapy experience that is like doing exercises and workbooks and a teacher telling children to perform a task or to play at something. I just want things to get better. I just want to beg her.."help me how do I make it better"
Okay I'm going for a walk now because I'm having an emotional out pouring at the moment.

[Hopalong]

Aha. I think I get it. (God, I'm slow.) And I don't blame you.

You
have
INHERENT
worth
and
dignity

HUGE dignity. That's what is good for you in therapy.
You bring your dignity in the room with you. Along with your fragile feelings. Any damn topic you like.
If you want to talk about love and dating, this is not "forbidden" because you're homeless now.
If a T forbids you to discuss anything non-economic, wrong T.

You are not allowed to believe your dignity is lost. (Umm, that would be me, being bossy, there...).
Believing that it is lost is a current-world, current-life, current-circumstances confusion. Understandable.
But not true.
Your true dignity and worth are invisible and do not cost any money and cannot be purchased with education, social status, or professional degree. They cannot be demeaned by the temporary or permanent lack of any of those things.

There is noone else who can give them to you; you came that way.
You might forget they are real sometimes but that doesn't change the facts.

You are in NO way inferior to or subject to any therapist. They may want to "steer" you to solutions for your life circumstances (this could be uncomfortable but still a sign of caring) but they need to also recognize your wholeness. As a whole being, you've also got love on your mind right now.

Their motives, education and training should, hopefully, help most of them to be actually helpful to most of you most of the time.
They are not superhuman nor super-authoritative.
You can find good Ts in humble clinics and such.

NEEDING human help and reassurance does not have anything to do with your dignity and worth.

You
have
INHERENT
worth
and
dignity

...And this would be true if you peed on a T's couch, cried until you were purple, disagreed, felt pathetic, felt confused, agreed with them or disagreed with them, figured out you are smarter than them, or farted.

Receive what's helpful...maybe just one small nugget in a conversation.

You have amazing, immense capacity. I truly believe this. I'm sorry it's all so slow.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

Hops, thanks that is kind and generous of you. Thanks for the perspective. I went for a walk in the dark damp rain by the water and looked at the lights on the other side of the shore through the fog, had some food, I feel better.

----------

Phoenix what do you want to weld?? big things or little things?? Like jewelry things or skyscraper things?

[river]

Hops, thanks that is kind and generous of you. Thanks for the perspective. I went for a walk in the dark damp rain by the water and looked at the lights on the other side of the shore through the fog, had some food, I feel better.

----------

Phoenix what do you want to weld?? big things or little things?? Like jewelry things or skyscraper things?

I live in a place like that, maybe you're my nieghbour!   : ) 

[Hopalong]

You find so much comfort in beauty, and in communing with the real and natural world, Boat...

Maybe part of the answer is if you would sit with the idea of looking at yourself and see the same kind of beauty.

Somebody who has the same ability to see, can look at you and see something no less beautiful, mysterious, worthy of contemplation.

But the best thing is going to be when you see yourself with the same love and wonder that you often give the world.
Then once you get that (compassion), it gets a whole lot easier to put up with others.

(I don't mean treacly love. I just mean to resonate and respond as you do to beauty, that's half the skill one needs to resonate and respond to one's own self with love. Not sentimental goo, I mean the part of you that's like a cello string...)

Ramblingly, but wishing you much hope and newness in your new year,

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

BIG things... large scale appeals to me, Boat. I don't know why... maybe I'm tired of trying to piece together clues out of tiny details for too long... like long sky horizons... the ocean... wide open prairies and mountains that only look close, but will take days to reach.

Breathing room.

[Meh]

Thought I would google "How to get the most out of therapy" Because as always I over think a lot of stuff...but after so many therapy attemps I'm wondering what is the point of therapy anyways? Isn't the goal of therapy clear...

For example if someone is going through divorce the point is to ease the emotional trauma and facilitate healthy communication.
If someone has substance abuse issues the goal is to constructively guide the patient towards reducing the dependence on those substances.
If a person has an eating disorder then maybe the therapy includes oh I don't know how they treat these. Maybe with love.

If a person has a personal health issue like some kind of serious chronic condition...the therapy focuses on baby steps related to quality of life....maybe there is a reduction of what the person can do but the person is still encouraged to do fullfilling activities.

What is my point? That every problem should have some kind obvious goal and path...and maybe there its flexible creative and unique but the problem and solution are within a range of obvious.

SAVE bouncing screen box thing

[Meh]

So I have stated some of my goals very clearly to the therapist but I just get a vague reflection back from her as if she is confused.

I told her my goals are to get to a healthier, safer and more productive place in my life. And to get therapy related to my father's situation because I feel overwhelmed with that.

In other words I don't feel as healthy as I once did, I don't feel safe, I feel like I'm squandering my life away going nowhere stuck in the charity welfare system. Sometimes I think there is no solution or if there is its very extreme and one can only do it oneself with no real help or support.

What is not clear about that?....this is why I don't believe in therapy. I liked all the handouts they gave me about grief because I read things that I needed to know but the therapy itself...is bothering. Plus this is a community thing I don't have the freedom to shop for any therapist in town. I prefer a private therapist because it's in a less clinical setting and I have chosen them and it feels a little bit more personal.

http://www.drnadig.com/therapy.htm
Venting here.

[Meh]

I often leave therapy feeling confused. I'm noticing this.

I don't like it, I want to be focused or motivated or excited or to feel understood, or to feel like I don't have to be overwhelmed with grief. Want to feel like solutions are within my grasp. Want to feel like I have something to look forward to that is why I go to therapy.

I do not go to therapy to feel confused. And if I feel confused then maybe there is something about what the therapist is doing that is NOT working for me???

Maybe I will go back one more time and explain to her that I feel confused and that I would like referrals to private therapists.

The problem is I don't have a strong framework or structure in my life. It's like the therapist wants me to use some sort of framework and structure that is indwelling? My own internal compass is broken. The therapist can keep on telling me "read your compass"  "read your compass"......It's bothering me. This is NOT helping.