Hi Boat - having one of those nights when I don't sleep well. My 4-legged kat - my Target parking lot feral rescue kitty - is running laps; dogs' been up & out; hubs is trying to put himself back to sleep... I've already made the 2nd pot of coffee. No... anxiety isn't the reason, this time.
I can relate to what you said about being a point in a constellation; belonging... being part of something. 2 1/2 yrs ago, I left my tech-team job and this early am my thoughts were of wondering what projects they were up to. I don't miss my N-boss or the dysfunctional institution I worked at. I also don't know what I want to be when I grow up - "who" I am - because I don't feel like have a context,- a landscape, background of life that I fit into, except perhaps that I can always find something to post here! We moved here, two years ago now - and still aren't finished moving; there is still furniture and garage stuff at the old house. It feels like an anchor we're dragging around... holding us back. To hubs, it's a connection he's still not ready to let go - it's where he has "context" in his life. I've always been comfortable being a "gypsy" and moving around; travelling - tho' that's physically taxing on me these days.
Yes, I have a "sewing room" now and fabric and patterns; I haven't unpacked much of that yet. Yes, I have art supplies and brand-new brushes and pencils in every color imaginable... paper that's 25 yrs old (it's rag, so it's still good). I've just finished loading graphics software on the new 'puter; it's 2-3 versions old already; hope it's compatible! But I have no overwhelming desire to make anything of any consequence... and I still won't commit myself to defining myself as an "artist" or whatever... because of all the extra, not-necessarily-true crap that people want to believe belongs with that word/label. I resent people imposing their ideas of what an artist is/isn't on me and expecting me to live up to that idea... and being disappointed or shocked when I don't. I don't like being limited by preconceived ideas... or forced into roles that just aren't me.
But part of what's got me up in the dark, this morning... is this energy to "do something"... get involved in something that I care about. I'm starting to bounce off the walls, literally & figuratively. Because I know I can't really "think" my way to what I sense it is, that I'm craving. All the theories in the world are useless - just talking about it doesn't bake the bread, ya know? Problem is, no one else can tell me how to get there, either. I can't walk down the street and into a store and just buy whatever it is I'm craving... because a.) I don't know what it is or b.) I do this thing where I can see what I want... but it doesn't exist... because I have to make it; no one else has done that, in just that way. This is the time of the morning - before the sun comes up - when I did my best work. Creative tension? Perhaps; it doesn't feel totally aimless.
It's possible that you're in kinda the same situation... and what you're in the process of creating is yourself... the part that's not subject to those limiting definitions. Those normal, anthropo-social-descriptive characteristic words that tell other people about you, that has all their associations glue-sticked onto the words. And ya know, I think it's OK that this is what you're doing right now. I mean, why not? Some people just never get to this stage, I don't think. Some people get there kinda automatically, without any deliberation or consciousness - by accident, I kinda think. There is something different, even quite special about people who consciously struggle with this, make their choices intentionally, who spend the time and invest the energy to create their "self". Polishing, sanding, making the self all shiny, coherent, arranging things "just so"... to suit yourself.
That's another one of those important things - below the surface of awareness - that I think therapy helps some of us do. I sure didn't notice it while I was in the process, actively. But, looking back I think my T guided me to my self - introduced me to her. Helped me get to know her, appreciate and respect her, love her for the wacky, idiosyncratic, weirdo that she is. Once my "self" and I were on the same side, working together... we started working on that other self that people see... all that external stuff, how I relate and communicate with other people, what I do with my time... it's like a deep-down, total consciousness "make over" from the inside out... and it's still changing and that's a good thing.
I think you already know yourself... but now it's a little harder (and there are no hard/fast rules about how to do this) to create that relationship with yourself. I can see why it bugs you (can't find where you said this - maybe it was just the echo in my own mind) that you're expected to adapt to the expectations of "the world" and pretend to be what you're not. I can hear you saying just under the words - under your breath? - that finding that exact "who you are" or creating her - is way more important to you than where you live, or your paycheck.
I would agree with you, 100% - inconvenient and frustrating as the daily realities are and how "over it" you are. Sounds like a bit of creative tension, in your world too. So, take a deep breath... try to bear with the T who doesn't know what you know - about you... and maybe wonder a little bit, if instead of going out and "finding" that belonging and "normal life"... you need to look for inside and design it and build it there first. Dream it!
