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BonesMS:

--- Quote from: Boat that Rocks on January 09, 2012, 06:17:53 PM ---I often leave therapy feeling confused. I'm noticing this.

I don't like it, I want to be focused or motivated or excited or to feel understood, or to feel like I don't have to be overwhelmed with grief. Want to feel like solutions are within my grasp. Want to feel like I have something to look forward to that is why I go to therapy.

I do not go to therapy to feel confused. And if I feel confused then maybe there is something about what the therapist is doing that is NOT working for me???

Maybe I will go back one more time and explain to her that I feel confused and that I would like referrals to private therapists.

The problem is I don't have a strong framework or structure in my life. It's like the therapist wants me to use some sort of framework and structure that is indwelling? My own internal compass is broken. The therapist can keep on telling me "read your compass"  "read your compass"......It's bothering me. This is NOT helping.

--- End quote ---

In other words, we need to have therapists HEAR us instead of trying to force us into their "pigeon holes" for their comfort.

Bones

Hopalong:
I think it's great you've identified that you feel confused.

Maybe that's something to "sit with" in the company of the T; ask her/him to help you work with this feeling and see what may be beneath it.

Instead of asking them to "turn off" the feeling of confusion, because you want to have a different feeling.

Probably, starting where you are...including feeling the feeling you are having...is how you're ultimately going to find the gate.

Confusion's uncomfortable and scary, particularly when you're motivated to change and worried whether you can. Just take a feeling out of the bag that's on your lap in that moment and name it, give it a chance to teach you....

It's not so much the person (T) who will teach you, but the feelings you examine in the safe company of this person. Who, we hope, will now and then have a comment or suggestion that really is helpful. If s/he goes too fast, say so...

xo
Hops

sKePTiKal:
I hear ya Boat!

My evil twin suggests that you do tell the therapist that you're feeling more confused, because if you had an inner compass - you'd already be listening to it and acting on those suggestions... instead of going to therapy! What kind of crap is an inner compass, anyway? Has he/she been watching too many Jack Sparrow movies? What in the world does he/she mean by "inner compass"???? Words and meanings were extremely important to me, in therapy -- and even now, I keep finding ones that meant one thing "back then"... that really don't mean that, in the dictionary or in reality.

That said - I also left many a session feeling worse than I walked in; confused sometimes - mostly scared out of my imitation tough girl panties. Some of the work I did, I can only describe as having to enter, travel through to the exit, some really awful places... and at my age, it was pretty clear I wasn't able to go there and survive, by myself. The purpose of the therapy - and the therapist - was to hold my hand while I did walk through - or carefully navigate a large boat that needed plenty of water through the shoals and sandbars of the Graveyard of the Atlantic; Blackbeard didn't make it outta here. My T was my navigator; first mate too... but I was at the helm, the captain... making those directional decisions... and it seemed like my first chance to "command" my own ship so of course, I didn't want to crash into the rocks or get taken out by a kraken... it was my first chance in life to BE my own compass and decide which direction was my "mission"...

So I'm gonna try to guess what is meant by "inner compass"... it's a direction-finder, right? And "inner" implies it's something within you that has a real attraction to, a strong preference or orientation to... a specific direction... or that you know exactly where you want to go... where you want to end up.

SOME of us don't really have one - at least, we haven't been introduced to it or know it well. Or it's "broken"... or the hand that was watching it and calling out headings got thrown overboard last week... or we're in a place where "magnetic north" is disrupted and the ole' reliable compass is spinning around, just as confused as the rest of our self is. Sounds like a really bad spot to be in - dangerous and uncomfortable and each second is unpredictable - even as you realize the ship isn't really going anywhere except in circles. Eventually, you'll need to resupply the ship.

So, if your "navigator" is experienced - you navigate by the stars, the sun, and "dead reckoning" -- landmarks, as you hug the relative safety and real dangers of the coast. If you're already out to sea... follow the birds... the ones that have to nest on land... sit at anchor long enough to automatically "feel" east & west as the sun comes up & goes down and then you'll know north & south too --- even when your compass isn't working.

ALL a compass can do, is tell you where the cardinal directions are located. It can't decide which direction to go in... it won't speak to you, the secrets of your heart (except in Jack Sparrow movies)... and the compass only "gets you where you want to go", if you know where you're going in the first place... and also, it helps a lot to know where ARE at the moment, too. Because knowing which ocean you're in makes a world of difference, if you can't see land, doesn't it? The "captain" decides... chooses the heading, the speed, which sails... and hopefully, the crew agrees with the captain and cooperates.

Anyway, if the ship is sinking or you're afraid you're going to be lost forever... this particular analogy or metaphor gets irritating. Plainly speaking, there is always an "inner voice" or "inner self" that sometimes - not always - knows the answers, the direction to go in... sometimes it's smarter than our normal self; sometimes NOT. That kinda depends on who and what type of who, that inner self is... sometimes, it's an inner child... sometimes it's an inner "mother"... the kind we WISHED we had, and just positively KNOW exists - even if ours didn't know the dictionary meaning of the word.

One of the goals of therapy, is to make sure that your day-to-day self and that inner self are playing nice together; cooperating - there's no mutiny... someone IS watching and calling out the compass headings as one makes way. And, in my experience at least, I felt a whole lot worse - before I felt better. Like I had to have a major bone rebroken and reset properly to walk. (Peglegs are kinda out of fashion these days... except for the hi-tech substitutes - those are kinda cool)

It occurred to me, reading what you said about what you wanted:

Maybe you want more than a navigator on your "crew"... or maybe the therapist is only helpful for the dad issue, right now. It sounds to me... that one of the things you want (and I'm getting used to being wrong - no harm in telling me, either!) is a good friend... or a mom-friend... to help you find the realistic, practical hope (not the "ideal" ones) that exists where you are right at the moment, to help you FEEL better about what you can do, right now, to change the circumstances of your life. Encouragement, motivation, and ideas... another brain with differences from yours... compatible with yours, tho... to help you decide and organize a plan - the "how to" get the compass working again... and know where you want your travels to take you: specifically. That might take yet another crew member, to deal with those practical details... maybe a life coach?

That can be difficult for all of us, at different times. You know that thread "Things Mama never told us"? Well, one of the things I find I never learned... was my own way of making decisions: setting a goal, committing to it, laying out that plan... and going through it. And that was partly because I had no IDEA what I wanted... or even IF I wanted anything. My inner self had been keeping all that extremely "need to know" and top secret. Sure, I could do this at work... and was good at it**. But for myself and my life? It didn't exist in the realm of possibility. So, at 55.... I'm finally working out how to apply what I know from work, to myself.

** Why was it easier to do at work? Because someone else decided the goal; set the agenda... just like my over-controlling Nmom did with my "me"...  it's the height of irony for me, as I'm reading & digesting this book on willpower & self-control to realize that it's not self-control, determination or perseverance that I lack... no, growing up in a wack FOO helps one gain black-belt mastery of those techniques... but one doesn't gain any experience at all in the choosing or deciding area. And I can be overwhelmed by more than 3 choices, easily... and then I just "don't choose"... because at that point, I just don't have the energy to be able to tell which one I want. I give up... and let the winds blow my boat around where ever... even if it crashes apart and sinks.

Maybe there's something in this ramble that'll give you some ideas, Boat. Just turn up your music and drown out what doesn't apply.

Hopalong:
Boat, I wanted to add that I do understand why you may have felt some despair at being assigned a fresh-out-of-school therapist.

If it continues to not be helpful to meet with this T, can you request an older person with more experience?

It is not a "bad" thing to want to talk things over with someone who's lived longer, and you can ask in a way that doesn't criticize the current one.

Good health professionals are not offended by a request for a second opinion, etc. Our family once transferred from one doc to another in the very same office (the first one actually being our next-door neighbor) and nobody sulked.

Hops

Meh:
Today, when I went in to see the female therapist that I have been going to, I guess maybe this is the 3 or 4th time. Pretty much I sort of argued with her and she kind of engaged into the argument which probably wasn't a great thing.

She had me fill out paper work, one of those forms where I rate my own "depression"/"anxiety". She looked at the form and she was pointing out that I'm somewhat (depressed). I took exception to this term because I told her the very first appointment and I'm sure she has forgotten by now that I just don't believe in depression like it's promoted in pop culture. Its a meaningless catchall term for anybody who is down. So I understand they want to monitor somebody's progress and see if the person improves BUT I hate the term.

I was about ready to get up and walk out of her office mid session but I didn't. We ended up setting up another appointment but discussed the possibility of referral, I've been trying to get her to tell me more about WHO is available so I can have some say in who sees me. I still don't get how many therapists are in there network of people, I don't think its too many but previously they made it sound as if there are people in the community. I'm burnt out on everything even therapy. Maybe therapy just doesn't work for me.

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