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Therapists

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Hopalong:
What she said.

I'm sorry, Boat. I didn't mean to override your experience or suggest anything humiliating.

I am in wanna-fix-it mode or just wanna-help mode and sometimes one just wants to be heard.

I hear you.

love,
Hops

Meh:
No biggie Hops.   8)

Meh:
Can I make up a new diagnosis: "lost soul" syndrome.

I think there is some piece of me not having a strong sense of self and belonging and also some lack of whole life plan. I don't have a plan for my life, I never did. I had short term strategic ideas that I often did accomplish but sticking that into a big picture of who I am supposed to be has always been very hard. I think I'm more susceptible to others advice and opinion and suggestions. Most people can shrug this stuff off especially if they have a bigger life plan that is already in place. Heck never mind I don't know.

I'm in my 30's, Clearly it is sinking in hard that I didn't belong to a family when I was a kid growing and it also looks that way as an adult too at this point...and if feels very very lonely. Not that it's my whole issue but I think it's nagging at my soul. I just feel greif for what I didn't have and won't ever have. I'm not going to make up stories about how any job so so fullfilling that it makes up for a lack of personal life or something.

Part of the problem me going into the therapist is I have a hard time explaining everthing to her, I wish she was just vulcan. It frustrates me that I have to explain things to her, I mean I know thats the only way she would know, the thought of it just makes me feel tired. Like my muscles go weak when I think of how to tell her everything thats weighing on my soul.
I also just feel like I don't trust her.

In theory I was just supposed to be in some sort of slump but not a permanent life style change.

I've lost view of the bigger picture in life, I'm aware that the larger picture is there. I've been focusing on the little things, going to the foodbank and making meals, and doing my dumb temp jobs. It's hard to accept that this is supposed to be an opportunity.

I get a lot of pleasure out of making my meals, I figure it's the one nice thing I can do for myself and it gives me the opportunity to do something with my hands.

I'm aware that little decisions in my life had more to do with dumb good luck or dumb bad luck that propelled me forward. Smart people know that, they know how essential it is to get going on a good path rather then a bad path. I know these things intuitively but fall short at the whole plan part, and it's not even the whole plan that I struggle with, its a vague not knowing of somethings. Just lacking ever having enough direction maybe.

Afraid of the path that ends up in "Gee I didn't know this was going to happen".

sKePTiKal:
I like that... "lost soul syndrome"!  Good words, because if you can sum it up like that - your soul is no longer lost (to you). You - your conscious mind - now sees it, recognizes it, and can protect it with different things than when you were a child. It's super progress, too. It might take awhile to get to know how these two parts of yourself intersect, overlap, and learn how to work together and protect each other. But that is more of a playful adventure... than dangerous journey.

This image of you swimming to the surface through the depths of water, like a mermaid who's been changed to a human who needs air to breathe... comes to mind. And perhaps, that's because the toxic parts of your grieving are diminishing... it's done; drained of intensity... (PERHAPS... it's able to continue on auto-pilot while you enjoy breathing fresh air??)  eh! whaddooIknow? Could be; schmood be... but if it's so, you need to know that you'll probably always a tad sensitive to the loss you're grieving -- which qualifies you to be be a gen-u-wine member of the human race -- it's what the poets mean by "human condition".

I have to take issue with the basic premise, though, behind what you said here:


--- Quote ---I'm aware that little decisions in my life had more to do with dumb good luck or dumb bad luck that propelled me forward. Smart people know that, they know how essential it is to get going on a good path rather then a bad path. I know these things intuitively but fall short at the whole plan part, and it's not even the whole plan that I struggle with, its a vague not knowing of somethings. Just lacking ever having enough direction maybe.

Afraid of the path that ends up in "Gee I didn't know this was going to happen".
--- End quote ---


LIFE HAPPENS while we're making plans, you know? And while I have a lengthy, complete "mommy-lecture" for you on the nature of Shoulds vs. Real-life... for now, I'll just say that if life always went according to some plan for everyone it would be so boring I couldn't stand it. The Should-Idea that one person turns into a life-path... doesn't always fit... isn't always right... for the next person. And that Life-Path... a person is allowed to change their minds about it, you know? And about success/failure on that life-path?? Ya gotta remember that appearances can be deceiving and some people put more energy into keeping up appearances, than working the path.

So it's a lot messier than it sounds. But it doesn't have to be. Just pick out the pieces (from the available should-ideas) that you know have to be there: you have to live somewhere, right? How much money do you need to live? So... that amount of money is the first criteria you need to meet, when looking for a job. After just those 3 things: everything else is options, personal expression - the "I likes/dislikes" of personal preference - and those dream-list things that feed the soul... whether that's travel, music, relationships.... whatever. I know, you already know this. I'm preaching to the choir.

But forgive yourself, already, for taking a "time-out" from life to find your own soul. Not everyone does this; not everyone CAN do this... and from here on out, things will be easier. Different some undescribable way. Give yourself some well-deserved pats on the back, a couple hugs  (from me), and figure out what you want to choose, design or do first and remember to give yourself some slack, be patient, and enjoy the adventure.

Meh:

--- Quote from: PhoenixRising on February 03, 2012, 09:47:11 AM ---The Should-Idea that one person turns into a life-path... doesn't always fit... isn't always right... for the next person. And that Life-Path... a person is allowed to change their minds about it, you know? And about success/failure on that life-path??

--- End quote ---

I don't think it's helpful for me to go through everything that you guys write and then for me to counter-talk about what I really meant or what I'm getting at. This is a big part of why I just have some posts that I lock and only write back to myself.

When I wrote the prior comment above I already had the running self dialogue to myself: "Don't compare myself to others". "Not everybody is married and has a career and a family"..Blah blah,  "we aren't all on the same path"... "life isn't formulaic"...

I already said these things to myself because they must be very common automatic pilot statements.... and I wrote the comment anyways because I haven't had a lot of success with relationships in my personal life and it really is an issue that I need to work on. I'm not comfortable anylonger at this point in my life with the emotionally stunted/damaged/black sheep whatever...term...way that I have lived....this has been an expression flowering out of the neglect and lack of parenting/mentoring and generally slipping through the cracks...way that I have been living that is not working.

I know what I'm trying to say even if I didn't say it very well.

I'm very challenged in relating to others in personal relationships and it's not an area of my life I wish to ignore. Also if I'm slowly missing out on ever being a part of a family in anyway whatsoever because I just ran out of time and I was too damaged....well for me personally there is a huge grief and loss in that. A grief that seems to be a continuum flowing from my past and replaying itself out into my present. I really don't give a rat's @ss what popular culture says about who people should be or who they don't have to be.

I know that I have missed out and I know that I need to be a part of something and that I need a reason to live and I need to be building my own life. Its a piece of what I need to be pretty serious about to even feel motivated to get my cr@p together. I often feel like I don't belong in the world and that there is no place for me here. After looking into this, I found that there were different parts to it and part of it is related to my personal relationships. --And I'm not talking about saying hi to a neighbor or waving to a garbage man, or volunteering to pick up after other people's children, or talking to a student, or speaking to my mother....most people find a real framework of significant people in their lives and right now I have none. I'm not saying that I expect my life to look like other people's blah blah...but I need to give myself the opportunity to see myself as a g@d-dang grown up with my own life.

I don't want to find out that I missed out on life over and over again just because I was too F'ed up to figure it out.


 

Well heck, I guess really I need to say is that I don't expect anybody to understand my whole unique situation. Part of the thing is I have a hard time articulating my personal circumstances sometimes even though I do a lot of it on here. There literally was no space for me growing up. My parents didn't really talk to me a lot about me or about my life or about what I would do. When I need to say things things for myself at this age not only is it somehow strenuous to get it out of my mind in a coherent meaningful way but also figuring out the emotions along with it and also trying to figure out my identity in this context. Well anyways it may not make
sense to you but its part of what I do here when I write.

I get frustrated when I have to talk about the larger picture of my life because I'm reinventing the wheel out of thin air.
Jumping screen need new box.

I'll write more, I just need to say it, to clarify to feel like I have the right to even want a life for myself. Maybe it also helps me to go into a therapist and have something sort of figured out what to say to her otherwise I struggle when I am sitting there, frustrated that I have to take the time to explain things to her. Going to go get some exercise now before my brain implodes, going to a museum, going to come back and make some dinner, try my best to fill out some lame-@ss paper work my therapist gave me, and resubmit some resumes for secretarial jobs that I can't seem to get because the people getting them now are college graduates. Who knew that one would have to go through 4 years of college just to be able to answer a telephone and stamp and staple papers together. There are jobs that I did 10 years ago. Wait....it's because I'm not supposed to be applying for these jobs I'm supposed to have a real career.... :roll:

Yeah I'm a "smart-@ss" I know. It's because I'm frustrated beyond what you even understand.
I have a dumb housing director telling me that I can't go to school- and even a person can't be a student while in certain types of low-income housing situations..--then I have my dumb therapist who's husband helped support her while she went back to school trying to "challenge my beliefs about going back to school" and "she was the first person in her family to graduate from college"....yeah yeah yeah. I'm tired of it the inconsistency and all of it. She doesn't really get that sometimes I can't even afford tooth paste. It's true. I have at times received charity toothpaste and charity toothbrushes at the same time I still have to pay rent to stay here. And I'm really SICK OF IT!.

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