Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Wail o' the week
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- "Two steps forward, one step back" about myself...the only word I ever
heard, deep within, was "back."
--- End quote ---
Funny how this happens, when all your life, you've only heard the "back" from the people who matter to you... and never ever got the pat on the head or recognition for the forward. After a while, you feel as if the forward is a hallucination or a dream... and only the "back" is real. One starts to expect this...
Even funnier... I mean odd-funny... is why is it, that so many of us simply accept that interpretation from others and don't believe in, don't trust our own perceptions, intuitions, and rational brains. Why don't we ever challenge that? with those significant other people in our lives, that is. I think a lot of us have "given ourselves permission" to this in work and other social situations... why are some people harder for us to take on?
Hopalong:
thoughtful query, PR...
I think for me self-doubt was crippling because I assimilated such a toxic sense of shame from
early religious training. Guilt and sin and fear just permeated, even wordlessly, something I
inherited (more from my mother's side, which was toxic evangelical with incest) ... about God,
being good.
So in any struggle to think something against the "herd" (if you can call a bland kindly
mainstream denomination a herd) -- I heard my own idiosyncratic and rebeilllious thoughts
and then I "heard" bellows of judgment, damnation and all that. Not actual bellows or in
in my actual church, but coming somehow from my intuition of my mother's fears.
I didn't undersand what they were about but I think that's why it was so hard to trust
my own girl-self.
It took me so many decades to work out that I passionately believe in original INNOCENCE.
I think that new belief was the bare beginning of the long slow climb to better (hardly perfect)
mental health.
xo
Hops
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- I passionately believe in original INNOCENCE.
--- End quote ---
Me too, Hops.
And I'm pretty sure that's the source of my dogged persistence to find solutions; fix things and people - and refusal to let things go - and not just accept that "this is the way things are". I subject myself to the "IF ONLY's" a lot. And boy, is this misunderstood!
LOL....
Meh:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 18, 2012, 09:21:30 PM ---Two steps forward, one step back" about myself...the only word I ever
heard, deep within, was "back."
Hops
--- End quote ---
Currently I'm on a kick on reading about relationships. I'm ashamed to even check them out from the library I kind of hold the books sideways so nobody will see the titled...goofball that I am. I noticed that sometimes I'm just so horrified by what I don't know of relationship to others, HOW much families LOVE one another, HOW much some people WORK at relationship, and how weird it is to even approach these topics when I have a blankness, a void, a scratching around in the dark to figure something out that is foreign. So for me the two steps forward...its like one step is survival and faith, and the other step is Total ignorance because THERE is so much I don't know about life and how to live. Things that others can take for granted about life and family and relation is Mystery to me.
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---one step is survival and faith, and the other step is Total ignorance because THERE is so much I don't know about life and how to live
--- End quote ---
I cannot believe I'm giving math-based 'advice' -- take with barrel o' salt, considering the source...but...
Boat/Tree/Starlight:
1 step forward = survival and faith
1 step forward = total ignorance openness/willingness to discover (seriously, those are also a fair translation of "ignorance")
-------------------------
2 forward
- 1 step mistakes, bad luck, necessary corrections
-------------------------
1 step forward
I think your two 1-steps minus one 1-step add up to FORWARD.
(Particularly since what you call ignorance is reported in the same post in which you describe your very persistent decision to learn...self-help books are a sign of HEALING! Just to be reading them is absolutely awesome. Do you know how many people never even TRY?)
hugs
Hops
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