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update - NC broken but will be maintained

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Twoapenny:
Hi Ales, I understand exactly what you mean!  I'm quite sure if you'd been buying homes since you were 19 that would have been wrong as well!  My mum was more subtle about it, she'd talk about how brilliant other people were and then slag me off or just ignore me.  For example, she talked endlessly about her friend's daughter's degree result but couldn't tell you what mine was, even though it was just as good!

Re the blow up - I think there are some similarities to what I am going through at the minute - there being a 'right' way to deal with being abused?  We're human - everyone has a breaking point, plus you're in a situation where you haven't been able to voice anything for many years - it's bound to be a bit explosive when it finally comes out.  Hugs for you xx

Hopalong:
I felt awful the one time I blew up at my Nmother, Ales.
It haunted and troubled me for a long time.
I eventually forgave myself.

I see it partly as the result of my family not knowing how to teach
us to deal with anger. Anger was so repressed (except for my brother's,
and that got plenty of behind-their-backs airspace).

Whatever the reasons or whoever's fault it was, I really yelled that day
at an old woman. Old is by definition vulnerable, and I should not have
done it. It went against my own values and that's what troubled me.

It messed with my sense of being a good person. I don't think I'll
ever see myself as quite the virtuous victim again. It was actually a
loss of innocence.

I do understand the exhaustion and the toxic buildup and the manipulation
that led to my losing it. But I wish I'd seen long before how I was in an
unhealthy situation with her and needed to get out.

In your case, one thread that weaves through is money. It was actually in
mine too, because a house represents security. It did matter what she
did with it, and how. Even though I told myself not to care, when I was
afraid, I did.

Is there a way you can untangle yourself from her money?

Hops

Ales2:
Hi Hops,

Thanks for your post. I've blown up at my Mother more than once - actually NC has become a requirement because I just cant listen to her lies, nonsense, and belittling anymore. I actually want no further contact with her at all and she knows that.  As I sad, anger justified, reaction not.

As for dealing with Anger, I feel somewhat the same, we are not allowed to angry, parents never do anything wrong and their motives cannot be questioned.  I was sort of pushed and manipulated into being a doormat and I'm not anymore, which is her problem for having the expectation, not mine anymore.

Yelling at an old woman - well I did that too - and really only regret having to do it now. It seems immature, but it should have been said a long time ago. I can see two relationships right now, where I try to be nice hoping they will be nice on return because I so want the friendship, but I'm learning not to sacrifice my respect for it.

The money issue. The irony is that just when I decided I needed help, a short time after was when I discovered the Nism. So I got sucked in before I had a conscious knowledge of what was happening. I knew she was difficult and dreaded getting $$ involved but had no other options. I also thought since I had not inherited anything, maybe we'd settle some issues, but it only got worse.  So, I'm working on fixing that problem in the short term. Problem is that she is always in the background and in order to completely eliminate the problem, it means I need to find a sufficient job, make my business venture work and then cut all ties. When I am independent, she finds ways to undermine me in other ways with money and so complete NC will have to be key.

Thanks for your post, Hops.

Ales2:
Things have somewhat improved with the discussions, we've since had three conversations, including one visit where she brought my 17 year old nephew by to see me.  My problem is that I see a pattern continuing with her that I need to end completely, as it will never change. I dont want her involved with my business any further, so the best option is to let the business venture issue runs its course, and find other employment to launch my business. 

I think I need to start an accountability thread, as I am now doing and saying things I need to remember for the future, or I will step back into the same sinkhole. I should really call it a "stinkhole". But you all know what I am referring to. :)

Ales2:
I noticed this morning that my April and May was gobbled up with Ncraziness. It was a very bad idea to have talked to her about the business. stuff. I also read several books on forgiveness and had attended a seminar on it, in hopes that maybe it was time to move on in a more spiritual way. In that really awful conversation I had with her last friday, I learned there is still alot under the surface that has not been helped by what I learned in the seminar and have been working on.  One of the principals was to pray to have my feelings change toward the person, so that I could more easily forgive. Trust me, I would like to change my position and feelings toward her, if only because I know that having any bitterness, resentment or anger will stand in my way of a more peaceful life, but will likely need to get the financial break I need to break ties fully.  Even then, she will find ways to migrate back in, but I can simply say - "working and I have no time for that"

Anyway, I could use all good wishes for new opportunities to come along and bring more independence/autonomy to my life. Thanks!

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