Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on February 07, 2017, 12:27:19 PM
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I'm suspecting the answer will be just to keep chipping away at it but I thought I'd post just in case anyone had a miracle cure I'm not aware of :)
Stress is having a quite profound and very negative effect on my health and I can't dismiss it any longer as a bit of a stage I'm going through. I think the main reason is that my son's needs and my own are very different and it just isn't possible for both of us to be healthy. If I live the way that makes me happy he gets ill, if I live the way that makes him happy, I get ill. Longer term I'll be looking into residential care for him but that won't be for a while yet (and there will no doubt be a fight for funding to get it as well).
Some examples: It was beautiful and sunny this morning. I went out into our lovely garden with my coffee and sat in the sun watching the birds and the clouds, having a stroke with next door's cat and generally feeling very happy and content. My son can't be left on his own indoors for longer than twenty minutes. I can get round that by popping back in every twenty minutes to check on him, plus he can call me from the kitchen window if he needs me. But the other problem is that there was a lot to get on with indoors and a lot I needed to do with him. If I sit and relax it's lovely but then I get stressed about the work that doesn't get done. If I do the work then I don't relax and I feel stressed because of that.
We were going to go into town but the van wouldn't start. I bought the van as a hobby, a learning opportunity and something to improve both our lives because we'd be able to get out and about more. She still needs a lot of work and sometimes feels more of a hindrance than a help. I do still want to have her; long term I think she's still a good vehicle to have. We walked into the village, which was lovely, but I have to push him in his wheelchair, which is tiring. I've hurt my wrist from pushing him about so that is painful, as are my neck and shoulders. We went into the cafe - I'm trying to mingle a bit and try things out. It was very nice and it turns out our next door neighbour works there and she's lovely, so that was really good. It was also very expensive, so it isn't somewhere we'll be going to very often. We got chatting to another lady in the park on the way home who told me about a community cafe that's very cheap and sells very nice home made cakes so we will be going there in future. That was really nice too, but what I'm aware of is that when I chat to people a sort of panic sets in and takes over straight away that I am boring them, that they don't want to talk but they are tolerating me, that I shouldn't take up too much of their time, talk too much and so on. It's almost a blind panic in my mind and it isn't until after the chat when I'm on my own again that I realise how panicky it makes me. I also feel constantly on alert to protect my son; from abuse, from strangers staring, from people making rude and inappropriate comments. It doesn't happen very often, certainly not often enough for me to feel as protective of him as I do (and he's pretty capable of standing his own ground these days anyway). But I still feel very tense and anxious when we're out, so I have the stress of that when we go out (as well as the practical difficulties) but equally if we stay at home I find it stressful because I get so lonely.
That's probably enough for now! I've worn myself out typing :) I'm just trying to keep chipping away at it but I just find it so tiring at times.
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((((Tupp))))
I get what you're saying.... so very much.
You're in a doubling bind with business of caring for your son/self. They're both necessary. You can't do them perfectly.
Sometimes when I'm stressed it's impossible to think outside the box. If what I'm doing isn't working, the logical conclusion is that I have to come up with a better plan, and find a way to put it in place. That means I have to STOP acting out of habit/survival mode. I have to explore changes. Part of the process is being aware and taking stock. I can't do that when I'm operating out of fear and exhaustion. I can't.
My girls aren't defenseless young children any longer, just as your son is growing up, and gaining strength. Yes, our children have needs...... my oldest is healing, and your son has ongoing needs, but..... how much help do they need, and how can we accurately gage the level of help/trying to fix them is healthy. We help them get stronger too when we're on target, seeing what's in front of us NOW, and not in the past.
Have we fully evaluated and internalized the changes in our children? Can we step out of protective mama bear mode long enough to SEE the truth? I sure hope so.... I'm trying. That particular subject resonates with me deeply right now, as does the self care piece.
I do believe you and I are operating from a hyper vigilant state..... for years this is true. Too many years. Maybe this time, if we find a way to stop being so vigilant.... we won't get smacked in the chops THIS TIME? It wasn't true for years, but now?
We're like Pavlov's dogs..... we've been conditioned.
Unlearning..... finding new habits, and putting them in place.... just so difficult, and esp if we're beating ourselves up for not being able to just make changes. SO not helpful, and we both do that.... I know we do.
I think part of it is the trauma trapped in our skin, organs, and bones. We can intellectualize all day long, but if it's IN our cells.... we have to find other ways to approach the tender spots, and remove them, IME. I think trauma lives in everyone's bodies, btw. Not just ours.
I'm researching Somatic Therapy right now..... along with the Brain Integration, and I'm hopeful about it. I speak with a T every two weeks who shares a similar history.... she actually divorced her ASPD. It's helpful, and she's all about the Somatic T.
I'm letting panic wash over me as it comes..... trying to do nothing when it hits..... waiting for pressure to release, if just a bit, and it always does, IME. Learning to withstand the discomfort long enough to think clearly again, so I can shift to creative solutions. I try to think outside the box. I try to find who I was, inside, and pull her back into the light..... ask her for help. I need her. I miss her. I need her strength and fearlessness.
It's difficult to be hopeful consistently. I'm sure it's a roller coaster for you as well.
There's a lot of fear, I'm realizing. more than I want to admit. I find it shameful have so much fear. It's debilitating though.... I have to face it, and work it out. What's the truth, and what can I do about it? What do I have to let go of, and just accept?
As for you and self care, my dear...... I'm guessing sleep is something you need and choose over getting up before your son wakes? I'm wondering if getting up early, doing yoga/something endorphin producing, even if it costs you something in the short term... might lead to feeling better in the long run?
I'm wondering if you can apply for a motorized wheel chair to lower the physical strain your body takes? There's been so many changes in your son's condition/dx. CAN you ask for that? Perhaps our son would be served well in that case? Perhaps not. I don't know... just throwing it out there. Very often they're for sale, used, (or at Goodwill) around here.
Perhaps you and your son could find a new rhythm for the breaks you need for yourself? Longer...... without expectation they'll happen over night, but something to work towards? Change is so hard, and Spring is on it's way. Perhaps he can go into the garden with you, and work into new habits from there? I can imagine change for him is quite upsetting..... it's never going to be easy. It's always a struggle, and costs energy you don't have.
I know we need our best selves to find solutions..... less fear and panic. It's hard to come from a place of exhaustion, and paralysis... hard to improve situations, IME. I wonder if one of your new neighbors could help you brain storm? You deserve some support and fellowship around this, IMO, Tupp. Maybe you won't always have to do everything yourself? Maybe you can find some respite you didn't have before in this new place with such nice people? Groups for support and help... are there any in your neighborhood?
How to let go of the old thought patterns, and embrace new habits/thoughts to improve our health, and ability to respond?
OK... lets do this. Let's pat ourselves on the back for being present, protective mothers who care deeply, as a priority, for our children.
::pat pat pat::
We get that, and it's ours..... that belongs to us.
Now that they're growing up, what are their needs? I think we have to find that truth, and begin with that piece perhaps?
::sending Tupp reassurance that things will get better with perseverance::
I promise.....
for both of us, ((((Tupp))))
Lighter
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MORE LATER, but we need an electric wheelchair for this boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grants? Can you claim it's physically impossible for you to continue pushing him? Surely there's some resource fund somehwere? Can you write a letter to a wheelchair manufacturer and ask for help acquiring one?
This makes me mad.
love
Hops
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MORE LATER, but we need an electric wheelchair for this boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grants? Can you claim it's physically impossible for you to continue pushing him? Surely there's some resource fund somehwere? Can you write a letter to a wheelchair manufacturer and ask for help acquiring one?
This makes me mad.
love
Hops
It's in the pipeline, Hopsie, but it's a looooong process and ,as always with us, my son doesn't fit neatly into any particular boxes; he can walk (and some days he can walk well) but he can't walk a long way every day (or more specifically, he can but then can't do anything else for the rest of the week). So he falls between the cracks of all the different systems that are in place. You can apply for funding via a charity but you have to have been told 'No' by the various public sector departments before a charity will look at your application and it's waiting for everyone else to do their bit that takes up so much time! I am keeping my fingers crossed that if they can get his epilepsy under control then the walking will improve anyway but unfortunately so are they which is why they are reluctant to help in the meantime! We will keep at it, though :) x
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((((Tupp))))
I get what you're saying.... so very much.
You're in a doubling bind with business of caring for your son/self. They're both necessary. You can't do them perfectly.
Sometimes when I'm stressed it's impossible to think outside the box. If what I'm doing isn't working, the logical conclusion is that I have to come up with a better plan, and find a way to put it in place. That means I have to STOP acting out of habit/survival mode. I have to explore changes. Part of the process is being aware and taking stock. I can't do that when I'm operating out of fear and exhaustion. I can't.
My girls aren't defenseless young children any longer, just as your son is growing up, and gaining strength. Yes, our children have needs...... my oldest is healing, and your son has ongoing needs, but..... how much help do they need, and how can we accurately gage the level of help/trying to fix them is healthy. We help them get stronger too when we're on target, seeing what's in front of us NOW, and not in the past.
Have we fully evaluated and internalized the changes in our children? Can we step out of protective mama bear mode long enough to SEE the truth? I sure hope so.... I'm trying. That particular subject resonates with me deeply right now, as does the self care piece.
I do believe you and I are operating from a hyper vigilant state..... for years this is true. Too many years. Maybe this time, if we find a way to stop being so vigilant.... we won't get smacked in the chops THIS TIME? It wasn't true for years, but now?
We're like Pavlov's dogs..... we've been conditioned.
Unlearning..... finding new habits, and putting them in place.... just so difficult, and esp if we're beating ourselves up for not being able to just make changes. SO not helpful, and we both do that.... I know we do.
I think part of it is the trauma trapped in our skin, organs, and bones. We can intellectualize all day long, but if it's IN our cells.... we have to find other ways to approach the tender spots, and remove them, IME. I think trauma lives in everyone's bodies, btw. Not just ours.
I'm researching Somatic Therapy right now..... along with the Brain Integration, and I'm hopeful about it. I speak with a T every two weeks who shares a similar history.... she actually divorced her ASPD. It's helpful, and she's all about the Somatic T.
I'm letting panic wash over me as it comes..... trying to do nothing when it hits..... waiting for pressure to release, if just a bit, and it always does, IME. Learning to withstand the discomfort long enough to think clearly again, so I can shift to creative solutions. I try to think outside the box. I try to find who I was, inside, and pull her back into the light..... ask her for help. I need her. I miss her. I need her strength and fearlessness.
It's difficult to be hopeful consistently. I'm sure it's a roller coaster for you as well.
There's a lot of fear, I'm realizing. more than I want to admit. I find it shameful have so much fear. It's debilitating though.... I have to face it, and work it out. What's the truth, and what can I do about it? What do I have to let go of, and just accept?
As for you and self care, my dear...... I'm guessing sleep is something you need and choose over getting up before your son wakes? I'm wondering if getting up early, doing yoga/something endorphin producing, even if it costs you something in the short term... might lead to feeling better in the long run?
I'm wondering if you can apply for a motorized wheel chair to lower the physical strain your body takes? There's been so many changes in your son's condition/dx. CAN you ask for that? Perhaps our son would be served well in that case? Perhaps not. I don't know... just throwing it out there. Very often they're for sale, used, (or at Goodwill) around here.
Perhaps you and your son could find a new rhythm for the breaks you need for yourself? Longer...... without expectation they'll happen over night, but something to work towards? Change is so hard, and Spring is on it's way. Perhaps he can go into the garden with you, and work into new habits from there? I can imagine change for him is quite upsetting..... it's never going to be easy. It's always a struggle, and costs energy you don't have.
I know we need our best selves to find solutions..... less fear and panic. It's hard to come from a place of exhaustion, and paralysis... hard to improve situations, IME. I wonder if one of your new neighbors could help you brain storm? You deserve some support and fellowship around this, IMO, Tupp. Maybe you won't always have to do everything yourself? Maybe you can find some respite you didn't have before in this new place with such nice people? Groups for support and help... are there any in your neighborhood?
How to let go of the old thought patterns, and embrace new habits/thoughts to improve our health, and ability to respond?
OK... lets do this. Let's pat ourselves on the back for being present, protective mothers who care deeply, as a priority, for our children.
::pat pat pat::
We get that, and it's ours..... that belongs to us.
Now that they're growing up, what are their needs? I think we have to find that truth, and begin with that piece perhaps?
::sending Tupp reassurance that things will get better with perseverance::
I promise.....
for both of us, ((((Tupp))))
Lighter
I've nodded my head all the way through that, Lighter! It's the getting out of survival mode thing that I think I stumble on. Take yoga, for example. I did get up earlier to do it today and it does feel good and I do try to do it when I can. But I also find because it releases stress, tension and various unpleasant things (as does detoxifying my diet, cutting out caffeine and so on) it can also make me feel unwell, unhappy, focus more on the lack in my life (if I'm stressed my mind focuses on that; if I'm relaxed I start wanting to go out, have a boyfriend, have a mum who loves me and so on). So it's that see sawing back and forth; do a bit, struggle a bit, do a bit more.
A friend came over last night; not a particularly close friend but someone I've known since I was a kid, a nice bloke, generally quite caring and easy to get along with. It was the first time he'd visited my new flat and the first time I've seen him for quite a while. He knew I had a cold so he'd bought cold and flu stuff with him and throat sweets, that sort of thing. Nice gesture, but he'd asked me if I needed anything before he came by and I'd said no, so I felt like he wasn't listening to me. We don't have any carpet on the stairs yet and as he walked up them (it's a first floor flat so you come in and go straight up the stairs) he said, sarcastically, "Nice flooring" and then went on to critique the windows and start telling me how I ought to decorate, recommended a carpet fitter for me (the last person he recommended to me for something was awful and cost me a fortune so I'm definitely not taking any more recommendations!) and then started talking about places we can visit over the summer and where we ought to go and I just got more and more fed up but didn't know what to do. He intersperses this with offers of help, friendly chit chat and a bit of banter, but also kept touching my knee. I think that's where I struggle with the survival mode; my brain just seems to freeze. This morning I got up in a mood and was thinking about it all. At first I'm hard on myself, thinking I should appreciate the fact that he came over, he was kind enough to buy medicines, he's offering to help. But the more I thought about the more I felt that he's unnecessarily critical (comments on the lack of stair carpet but doesn't mention the lovely pictures on the wall, my prayer flags, the unit that I put together myself, the plants on top of it, the scarves and hats I've hung along the banister that make it look cosy and homely), is making decisions about how I should spend my time (I have a million ideas of how I want to spend my time and don't need any help on that score!) and that he SHOULDN'T BE TOUCHING MY BLOODY LEG!! And I just wish now that I'd been able to feel all of this last night and deal with it at the time but there still seems to be a big delay between something happening and my brain responding :)
Anyway, I'm rambling again and need to go and get groceries so will check back in later (but yes, you are right, it is necessary to notice and accept our kids growing and their needs changing and I am struggling with that. I still feel that I need to protect him all the time and it really isn't the case anymore).
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Sounds like your friend needs a little remedial boundary maintenance, Tupps. It can be gentle - but it has to be clear, in no uncertain terms. (Good luck finding that happy medium, btw... I'm terrible at it.)
Some gigantic chunk of sludge is working loose in me. It has to do with the pouty resistant inner child. Somewhere in the past few weeks I've realized the poor thing still feels really "needy" for validation. So much so, that it's practically a characteristic. So in the external day to day life, I'm still having to deal with a lot of paperwork type stuff; business stuff... but I'm really happy with the work I've been able to do fixing up my house so far... pulled in two directions, while in inner life - I'm overly conscious of that hole that needs filled.
3 things = stress for me. Which one do I deal with?? Before I reach nuclear meltdown stage?
Friday, by some miracle, I either finished or was a stopping point on those projects. I didn't have anything I "had" to do... so I didn't "do" anything except get ready for this last beach trip (last dentist appt). Yesterday, was drive all day - into spring weather. Today, after the appt... it's drive all day back to winter. LOL. I don't "think" when i''m driving - I just drive. And that really helps me "see" what's going on.
Instead of being super-tight in the shoulders, back hurts, hip hurts etc while driving I just consciously relaxed as much as possible. Even though I needed to get here at a specific time to have dinner with my friends. It doesn't sound like much... but just remembering to un-twist the tension that builds up HELPS lower the feeling of anxiety/panic/overwhelm. Set an alarm on your phone: every 3 hours or so... and take 2 mins to just consciously let the tension slide away - even while you carry on with what you're involved in. Some deep breathes, relaxing the muscles, visualize smoothing the nerves...
MIGHT help.
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Amber:
Scheduling TIME to decompress..... mindfully..... bc it's not something we DO otherwise. Not consistently anyway. It makes sense. It's practical. It serves a purpose, and who knows where it might lead, right?
This is the confusing part for me. Self care used to be my life. I didn't need to pencil it in or set an alarm.... I had an unspoken agreement with myself. I worked out with a group of people I liked, we developed awesome, but perishable, skills, we went to dinner afterwards sometimes, did works of public service, and....... everything sort of fell in place around it. Laundry, yard work, food, work, social life.... paperwork. There was a good deal of balance, and...... I have a hard time remembering struggle from that time of my life.
There was flow..... I'm pretty sure.... it was flow.
What the heck is so hard about it now?!?!? I'm confused, frankly.
Have we been convinced we're not worthy? Driven to the edge.... lacking emotional room to maneuver, plan, and carrying through..... put flow in place?
Learned helplessness?
I think everyone here cares what other people think.
I think we listen to what other people say..... we want everyone to be OK.... even the people who've harmed us very often, and......
I think we're pulled in different directions consistently, and that we likely have a hard time honoring ourselves above all others.... 51% right?
Confusion. I feel confused about this topic. Setting an alarm.... chunking self care and decompression so we don't physically fall apart..... don't emotionally drain down too far.
DOES it, on any level, create conflict to think through, and perform self care rituals as a priority for us? Is that it? Does self care bring up conflict with someone else in our life? With what others think? What we think of ourselves? Tupp.... your cost is care for your son, but there's more to it, I think.
Lack of balance is conflict.... it just is. Our children not being OK creates conflict.
What would we have to face, now, in order to get self care straight, and on track for ourselves?
I used to DO it without a second thought. It was my life. I never questioned my worthiness, or lacked energy to carry it out as a habit I enjoyed.
What's changed now? Why have some never been able to do it? IS it the same thing? Learning how to do it for the first time, and learning how to do what was once very easy?
Is it about some perceived conflict we're avoiding, I'm asking you? Avoiding conflict is BIG for me.
Does self care, or the idea of it, create some conflict in our minds, IRL?
At a point I had to put down the self care rituals I used to enjoy for pragmatic reasons..... what others thought, and the power they had over my life and freedom. I get putting it down, I get the fear around it, and connections to the fear NOW, even though the actual threats are over..... I hope.
And now I'm hearing from the pouty inner child that knows it wasn't fair, and hates the unfairness, Amber. She's critical of the things I've tried, including trying to go back to the old patterns with new people in new places. It wasn't the same, it was wrong, different, blah blah blah.... heartbreaking at times even. I've tried. It's never going to be the same, and it's always going to be unfair and how do I stop the inner pouty child from popping up, and taking over?
Acceptance...... that might help me.... very likely. Going over this helps me tease out the details of what was, what's been lost, and what's left.
I can see glimpses of what could be, but there's other things, more powerful things, that pop up when I do. It's where I live in my head that's hampering, I think.
A back and forth between outside stress pressing in.....
my hampered ability to respond/let go of the past.....inability to calm the pouty inner child.....
look ahead and see possibilities.... find the energy to plan, and put uplifting rituals in place while blocking out the negativity and resistance.... so I can create something I had once, without effort.
The word..... alchemy comes to mind.
There's something dragging us back when we make strides, bc we do have good times/days/moments.
My ability to respond.... to block out things... has been damaged.
This see sawing is debilitating.
::sigh::
I think this thread is helping.
Lighter
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FWIW... just free-associating from Lighter's post...
pouty inner child wants what WAS - that time it was all in balance - to LAST
Life is change; change means new stuff, bodies wearing out, patience wearing thin... change itself becomes a threat - instead of an opportunity
Are we really conscious of flow - while we're in it? Or is it only after the fact, we can recognize it? When we're "in flow", perhaps we ARE the flow?
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Why is it, Alzheimers patients "become" someone else? Claim memories that clearly did not happen? Lose memories of important people, events?
Is it possible that identify, self, ego... is a random data-set of characteristics that is fluid, mutable - and in the end NOT ALL THAT IMPORTANT - as compared to "essence" or "being" that can select from any number of "unique, individual adjectives" and claim them for one's own? Is it the ownership here, that's the functionally important bit of ego?
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My theory about those pouty, rebellious, defiant inner girls is that they're madder than hell, and they'll show you (or him or whomever). They were on their own "good enough" track to growing and maturing and most importantly understanding life, themselves, where they wanted to be in it... and that was abruptly CHANGED... that they became zombies or poltergeists - free floating, untethered, and without loyalties... that last one, is important.
So the rest of us, continued on. Bodies grew and matured. We married, had kids, validated ourselves through careers, education... all the while thinking we'd moved on (and in some cases forgotten) those pouty girls - who regardless of acceptance that we did NOT do bad things to ourselves, nevertheless failed for whatever reason to PROTECT ourselves or escape.
I've mentioned mine as being super-needy; insatiable is the word that comes to mind. She will not be content, or satisfied. She has had her eyes opened, to the magic of how giving love - returns it. She has seen - in action - little ones validated by mom and despite what she KNOWS about mom, still wants that. Still gets the lesson reinforced, that it's not gonna happen in this lifetime. Pouty, angry Twiggy is yelling at her mom: YOUR TURN.... it's not a one-way street.
There are no substitutes in Twiggy's fantasized magic "counter spell" - to finally break her purgatory. It HAS TO BE MOM. And hence, the impasse.
Irresistable force meet immovable object.
Attachment theory gave me a framework for understanding what this was - but it didn't prescribe a remedy. Twiggy's original way of dealing with it, was to feel like an orphan. There is a bit of wisdom in that - because the processing of grief does allow one to become whole again. To not be fighting myself at the same time, when life throws us curveballs. Because that never stops.
Twiggy had a great aptitude for the logical, linear left brain dominance tasks... but she WAS more happily centered in the right-brain activities of her own little private world. Inner world. And she was in the process of learning how to balance that... when POOF... everything went to hell; shattered. Shattered is the only word that really describes that feeling and state of being.
A gazillion little pieces that couldn't possibly be put back together the same way again.
She had to be content with putting it back together as best she could. It wouldn't ever be the same; that's against all the laws of nature & science. It was the best way forward. But she still doesn't like it; still stubbornly clings to that - "I am who I am and I want Mom to say so; stop pretending I'm like her".
So, she has to continue grieving that real loss. It's never going to happen and wanting it - not giving it up or letting go - is being a jerk to me, and hurting herself. Blaming herself. Letting herself be stuck wanting the impossible. And she'll admit that this is true; that her choice of stubbornly continuing to struggle over this just runs in circles. And then, like the poltergeist - she'll unexpectedly show up and pick on ME - because mom's an "untouchable".
That's too much blathering; and not enough.
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Amber.... "Too much blathering; and not enough."
Yup yup yup.
I'm digesting what you wrote.
The part about our inner young girls being angry.....
the "I'll give you ____________."
It's so present and alive for me. Has been. I noticed it in 2010 as revelation. I didn't recognize the pouty child piece, but that's exactly what it is!
Tupp:
About the guy with his hand on your knee. I wonder if you've ever told him, with clarity, what it is you want, and don't want from him.
If you've stated boundaries clearly, and he's stomping them over and over again....can you set him straight once and for all? Do you dread his response, or has he ignored huge messages and boundaries? Is there something overbearing about him that makes you apprehensive.... too apprehensive to speak?
If he's a nice guy he'll respect your NO, even if he's disappointment, IME. If he's unclear on the rules of this game.... he needs to hear it..... simple, short and straightforward..... without emotion. Friendly, but firm. THEN listen and watch..... how does he respond?
If he can't calm down, respect your stated boundaries, and enjoy what's in front of him.... maybe he won't continue to be a part of your life? As Hops said to me.... he'll continue to overstep, bc he won't be able to control himself, and that's just too hard, IME.
If he never understood the terms of engagement.... it's time you informed him, IMO. He might respect spoken boundaries and become a better friend, but be honest with yourself about what he is saying and doing once you've clarified your position.
((((Tupp)))) It's just too hard to have some guy putting his hands on you, and ignoring your NOs, IME. It takes too much energy to feel powerless, IME.
Lighter
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Yes, yes and yes to all of that, reading, digesting, felt confused, now things are making more sense :)
Inner child - I realised, literally in the last few minutes, that when I start to de-stress, have fun, relax, look after myself this enormous hole starts to open up inside me. And when that happens I start looking to outside sources to fill it again. I haven't been able to fix my mind to anything today; I've faffed about on the internet reading through forums, particularly reading over and over again vile, racist comments that make my skin crawl and make me feel ashamed to be a human being. I kept thinking 'stop reading this, get off the internet, go for a walk' but I still kept reading and getting angry and upset sitting indoors on my own. Eventually I went out and bought a cake, then we drove around for no reason and then we went for fast food. All the time thinking 'why am I doing this, I'll wish I hadn't later' but still doing it. And it was literally as I was reading through about the things you'd both written about the pouty inner child that I realised that's what it is; the stress fills the hole and when I start to lose the stress, the hole has to be filled with something else. So I reach out for human contact the best I can (usually on the internet because it's safer than real situations) and that doesn't fill the hole with anything positive so then I start filling it with food instead. What I could do and should do is fill that hole with something loving anc caring; yoga, some time in the garden, something to read or listen to, a really nice meal, a coffee with a friend. But what I do instead is seek things that will only make me feel worse.
Need to ponder some more. Wow. Time to let go of some of this. Thank you :)
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(((Tupp)))
I think de stressing/detoxing does open holes, take off the garbage lid, create overwhelming other feelings a new way of feeling that must be endured...... adjusted to if one can stick with it, and see where it goes.
Through the abyss.... can't go around it, over it or under it. One must crack on, and emerge from the other side.... likely? Avoiding sure doesn't work, IME. It must be the tackling, but HOW exactly to tackle.... I'm just not sure.
I'm leaning more towards the subconscious mind.... subliminal approaches ..... rather than going straight at something, though straight at is in my nature. Trying to dissect.... tease apart... understand and reason my way through just isn't cutting it, IMO. If it was the most efficient way, it would be working better for everyone in T, kwim?
I long to return to the Amazon bonfire..... engage in ritual. I long to sneak and sideline issues in ways they aren't expecting... haven't experienced before. Side doors.... back doors. Unexpected doors.
With that said, you're identifying negative patterns.
You're naming them, and taking stock of them......
what you gain from them now.
What purpose do they serve?
They've helped you survive in the past, and perhaps honoring them, as the old warriors they are...... thanking them for their service is necessary on some level?
Embracing them, with gratitude, makes it easier for them to let US GO?
Maybe this isn't just about us letting them go. This isn't just about replacing old habits.... it's not, IME.
It's necessary for those pieces of ourselves to feel safe enough..... to trust we'll be safe without them..... maybe? Those defenses that have served so long, kicking in without thought. Just there.
I know some of this is about neural pathways.... deeply ingrained..... things trapped in our bodies.... so many layers and levels to dig out from, on top of being aware, and naming, replacing.
It's unfair/unrealistic to expect anyone to shake off negative habits easily. If lecturing and talking about them did the trick, healing would be more common in T's offices I would think.
I know that people who can't honestly self reflect have a more difficult, if not impossible time adopting better coping strategies, IME.
If the toxic PD's harmful coping strategies are the incubation chamber for empaths negative coping stragies.... how does one approach the entire paradigm, with all it's moving parts.... so sense can be made, and understood?
So.
Many.
Moving.
Parts.
OVERWHELMING to contemplate the entire system, IME.
Just contemplating ONE of our own negative coping strategies is overwhelming, IME. Pushing it aside for a moment brings up overwhelming feelings.
Has anyone here ever noticed holding tension in their muscles......... shallow breathing..... I have. I know I do it to hold space... keep myself from feeling. Since I was a child..... I've done this. It's second nature, and part of what I am. Trying to just STOP isn't helpful. Approaching it from a mechanical place isn't working. I can't intellectualize my way out of this one.
back in the summer I worked on my breathing with the BIT practitioner. I had a huge reaction neither of us saw coming. I might have posted on it....not sure. It was terrifying.
I fought that reaction, which looked and felt a lot like shock.... chattering of teeth, physical shaking/shivering. I fought it tooth and nail.... with every fiber of my being. It started in my torso and head, and I'd fight it down to my feet and legs, then fight it back up again... I just couldn't let it BE, and help it leave. I just couldn't. I also couldn't breath, which created panic. Such a huge physical shock AND an emotional scare when I expected to find relief, and then....... couldn't breath at all.
I'm interested in revisiting it, and that particular practitioner is interested in understanding too. I hope we can figure out if muscles around the lungs, diaphragm area are shut down, and if so... can they be reactivated? If so, what will that bring up? Will things get much worse, or much better or both?
Not sure, but I'm hopeful.
Like you said, Tupp...... something will pop up when one things moves aside... it's just part of it. I wonder if we learn to trust, and somehow stop becoming overwhelmed before it lands.... will that be possible and make things move more quickly?
I know this.... I'm more interested in the BIT for it's ability to help release trauma than relieve learning disabilities, though that's an important aspect also, IMO.
::nodding::
Lighter
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IMPORTANT - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY!
Sorry for the caps as well but I know some things leap out at us and catch us unawares. Out of the blue, with no prompting from me, I'm starting to remember detail of being raped.
For a very long time now virtually all the details of being abused have been hazy at best. A lot of what I remember is more physical flashbacks - I've experienced the sensations but no visual memory is attached to it, whilst the bits I do remember feel like watching a film or reading about something that happened to someone else.
It's very odd that you describe that very intense physical reaction, Lighter, because that's almost exactly what I woke up with in the early hours of this morning. I was shaking and crying and saying 'no,no,no' over and over again, I felt intense pain and I felt absolutely terrified. And with it are visual memories. I can see him coming into my room, I can feel my body stiffening up and then I can feel intense pain and a feeling of suffocation. I can see his shadow all the way through it and smell his breath, there's noise and then everything stops and there's literally nothing there.
I think the best thing for me for the next few days is to stay home and just practise lashings of self care. I feel exhausted but also in some way exhilarated? I'm not sure if that's the right word to use but I do feel some sort of release or finality, perhaps. Anyway. Lots of resting, relaxing and eating healthy food for the next few days, I think, while I wait for all of this to adjust and sink in. x
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Tupps - I am sorry you are finally able to retrieve those memories, complete with smell-o-vision to enable you to relive those times. But, I do know that sometimes this is the "going through" part to get to the "have gotten past" part. Journaling your feelings as those come back is important because we're usually too shaken at the time we remember to "see" anything useful. If you can't find anything useful, after taking a good amount of time to look for it - then, remembering is simple "poking a sharp stick in your eye" - and maybe best to not do it anymore.
I understand that hole you describe. My theory, for now, is that this is the void left in our "self" that should've had the mothering, the mirroring back to us, the gentle guidance of "no, that's yucky - here have this instead"... and the enforced routines of self-care. Yes, you DO have to brush your teeth more than once a day so you don't get cavities. (Oh, hey... this is why I have such dread of dentists... just put those pieces together. And yes, I've had to have extensive dental work done to correct the neglect of my teeth in childhood.)
Back to the "hole"... that attachment pair... caregiver<>child... also is supposed to generate a sense of being valued, cared for, protected, safety. But when caregiver is PD, it can be DANGEROUS to child to let this person care for them. So, I experienced role reversal - me caring for mom; but also being the object of extreme jealousy/envy... to the point where if I was cheerful, content, happy, and enjoying myself... mom saw that as me trying to rub it in, that she wasn't. I was trying to HURT HER (in her mind) by going elsewhere to find what I needed to feel content and whole. And yes, punishment followed when she was in her Jekyll/Hyde mode. If she was simply depressed, it was better for me and my brother.
So, I developed the coping mechanism of hiding any "treasure" I discovered in life under a bushel basket of negative camoflauge SO MOM WOULDN'T KNOW. So she wouldn't get angry & punish me. I got so good at it, I hid it from myself a lot of times. LOL. This kind of crap also made life more complicated than it really needed to be, used up a lot of mental/experiential time, and was generally that 16 Ton Anvil, overhanging daily life.
So I still have a lot of fear about simply enjoying life. The "other shoe" syndrome. And I'm absolutely terrible about letting people help me, treat me to something simple like dinner, (OMG, they're being nice to me!! What bad thing follows??) and I'm totally convinced about my ability to survive as a human - all curled up as small and as invisible as I can be without attracting any attention - that coming out of the grief process over Michael, moving, dealing with new and unforeseen circumstances - I was exhausted and my brain knew the old well-worn neural tracks Lighter's talking about.
And the brain went there and I was simply too tired to resist. But I'm recovering now. Having "new experience" dreams... not old stuff... have sanely lost some weight through more physical activity than I've had in YEARS... and still had plenty of time to just sit and watch fat snowflakes drift through the air. I think we can learn to stand apart from those neural reflexes - and gain a small micro-second of "choice" before simply treading the old ruts... that will let us choose something different THIS TIME.
Takes a lot of practice.
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Oh, (((((Tupp.)))))
Coincidentally, I just watched a documentary ("Call Me Lucky") today that was about the very thing you experienced, and wound up being one of the most inspiring films I've seen in my life.
He raged and thought and fought and thought some more...and one of the things he also conveyed as an adult was, going through the memories, ghastly as it can be, is key to healing from them.
You are no longer alone and that bastard...I can't believe he walks the streets.
Big gentle hug,
Hops
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Thank you both, I'm doing fine and whatever is going on I feel like it's released or moved something that's been stuck for a very long time. I'm glad I wrote it down because it's already faded and I didn't really remember how intense it felt until I re-read what I wrote two days ago.
Funny that you mention that film, Hops, because I'd been watching a series that was about a small group of people who'd been abused as children and who'd made a pact to kill each other's abusers as adults. So much of it was ringing true with me so I think something in that stirred things up and set something free. I feel better for it, though. I've looked after myself and had a very lazy day watching films, napping and eating well. I'm looking into full time education options for my son and I'm thinking again about re-training once he's sorted out. I'd like to start seeing the lovely therapist again - I've no child care at the moment but I'm waiting for social services to get back to me about sorting out some help so fingers crossed I can sort something out, even if it's just once a fortnight. I'm doing okay. Thank you for being there, as always :) x
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Hi ((((Tupp))))
I'm glad you're feeling better.... working on re training for yourself, and full time education choices for son.... he's growing up, and his world might benefit, in all ways/unexpected ways, from expansion?
Not sure, but I trust you, and I trust that you're looking after his needs in the best possible way...... always.
Going back to the good T sounds like a great idea too.
Lighter
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Thank you, (((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))
Yes I think the time to expand his world has come. He's more like a six to seven year old mentally than a fifteen year old but hormones pay no attention to that so he's getting interested in girls and wanting to spend more time alone. I think it would be good for him to be with other kids all day now; in the past it's been too tiring for him but I think it would be best now (still tiring, but I think it would be better to be tired and with them rather than not tired without them). It will take time to sort out, funding obstacles as always, but it's reasonably straightforward and I know lots of people who help out with this sort of thing so it should be relatively straight forward.
I've decided to take a bit of an 'at home' holiday. I definitely feel that I've let something go over the last few days and I feel very tired but in a relaxed and contented way, rather than an exhausted way. So I've decided to fit in my yoga and mediation each day (that's going okay, I'm not going mad on it, just trying to do a little more each day), rest, take naps, go for walks and just sort of potter rather than rushing around trying to prove I'm not useless all day long. Something has definitely shifted; I just don't feel as driven to prove that I'm worth existing. I kind of feel alright in myself whether I'm doing a lot or not very much.
Anyway - an odd thing. I decided to go out for breakfast this morning, to a nice cafe we haven't been to for a long time. We were driving there and I was thinking how nice it is not to keep bumping into my parents - I haven't seen either of them since we moved and I've stopped tensing up everytime I see a van that looks like his. We went to the cafe and on the way there saw a notice for shamanic drumming circles, something I've been wanting to try. I felt it was one of those 'universe' moments and smiled to myself. We had a nice breakast and a nice chat with the people in the cafe. We went to the charity shop and I bought my son a DVD and had a chat with the ladies in there - again, nice. We went in to the cake shop for a treat for later on and again, three nice people in there went out of their way to chat to us. So I was in one of those 'the universe is telling me there are nice people around' moods. We got in the van to head for home, headed off down a narrow lane that we don't drive down very often, went round the corner - and literally ran straight into my stepdad. He does tree work and was cutting large trees by the side of this narrow road so half the road was shut and to get by I'd literally have to drive within an inch of his foot (he was waving traffic through so there was no way he wouldn't see me). I just swung into reverse and went back the way we came. What was interesting (apart from the bugger popping up on the same day I was thinking how nice it was not to see him) was that I didn't/haven't had a massive reaction to it. I've just carried on with my day. Sometimes my reactions are delayed so maybe it will come later but at the moment I feel unaffected by it. It will be interesting to see what happens - and very nice if nothing happens at all :)
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First.... ((((Tupp)))) Intersecting paths with the SF...... such an odd thing, esp since you'd been thinking of him.
Do you sometimes think we attract or repel things, depending on the energy we send into the world.... with thoughts we have? I'm not saying seeing him has any meaning, outside the opportunity to observe how you're feeling, and responding in the moment. That's what it is, IMO. It's about your journey, and that journey will carry on beyond your past..... in it's own time. In it's own way.
All will be well.
Maybe you're supposed to experience having very little response to seeing him... and you're supposed to have that information today. Maybe this is something you can put ONE pin in, and move past.... knowing there will be many pins, and you'll be OK handling them too.
About feeling better....Do you think BEING in observer mode is part of that? I think it is for me right now. I truly do.
Second....
what a grand day.... to just lean into happy expectations, and enjoy nice things as they happen for you.
THESE are the experiences you want more of.
You're getting more, and I'd love to see you engage in the drumming circle too. You'll meet new people, learn something new, and perhaps find an interest that feeds your heart and soul in ways you won't understand until you're in those moments.
My DD16 is in a Djembe drumming exhibition group, so it's funny you bring this up as she performed last Friday and will again this Friday. When she was first introduced to it she resisted..... she said she didn't enjoy it, etc. The truth was.... she didn't enjoy doing something she wasn't good at. Practice brought great joy, and now her entire face changes when I see her drum. She LOVES it..... her entire groups is amazing.
The truth is..... I struggle not to break into tears when they play.... it brings up powerful emotions.... they just flood over me.... I always regret not remembering kleenex.
I do think music can be tranforming..... link us, and open spaces inside us.
Yes: )
That's my way of saying I'd love to read you've taken up drumming!
DD16 said she'd like to have drumming circles around our Amazon bondire..... but she'd need help asking people to attend. This was HUGE bc she's usually not aware when she needs to ask for help, but there it was.... soft, thoughtful, and not at all a struggle for her. This makes me happy for her, and for me, bc inviting happy, healing spirits to the bonfire is something I've wanted to do, which reminds me.... I just made friends with the music teacher at dd14's school. She WOULD LOVE this.
Well...... I'm going to resist falling into doubt, and questioning the good things. After I posted yesterday I simply DID things I used to do without struggle.... no thought. Just DID.
I chalked it up to making connections about my inner struggles, which freed up brain function to shift into something else, which it did on it's own. It was grand, TUPP! Things that used to bring me pleasure...... brought pleasure again. I'm talking doing my feet.... a simple self care thing, and cleaning the face of kitchen cabinets. Not special, but SO SPECIAL bc my brain was in the zone without effort.
I'm glad we're breathing easier and noticing more joy together.... now. Our kids are growing up, their needs are shifting, and so are ours.
Sharing some of the journey with you feels right too; )
Light
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Wow how amazing that she is loving the drumming, Lighter, and recognising when to ask for help - I think we all need to practise that a bit more :) And that those simple things are getting easier for you again. It's lovely when you can just potter about, doing nothing terribly urgent or important but enjoying doing it and feeling good for doing it. And yes, sharing the journey is always a good thing :)
I've not had a bad reaction to seeing my step-dad, other than eating too many biscuits last night. Given that I used to disassociate for days at a time if I saw him or become physically ill, I think a couple of chocolate digestives is fine :)
Today has been a good day. I did some yoga and meditated this morning. I caught up on some housework and my son helped me prep up food for today and tomorrow. We've been out to do some shopping and run some errands and we gave the van a good wash. I've spent some time enjoying the garden and that constant reel of criticism, judgement, should do, ought to that runs through my head and always has done has got very quiet. I went out with bird's nest hair, yesterday's clothes and my wellies on and I didn't mind a bit :)
I have chosen to see yesterday's events as the Universe showing me all the good things - the drumming circle, the nice people, the nice food that someone else cooked, the fact that my son was well enough to (a) leave the house and (b) walk to the various places we went to - that are out there and that Mr Numpty 'messed up should have gone to therapy himself' isn't important any more. He was a minor inconvenience to my day, causing a delay of no more than two minutes and that's all he was. He doesn't matter. I like that view and I'm sticking to it :)
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This is a great topic. I have to say that I related to every word in Lighter's first post. Yes, it IS inside us, especially those of us who have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (I'm guessing many, if not all children of Ns have some level of anxiety). In a case like that, it's a true biological condition that we can only hope to manage, but never cure. We stress over managing our stress, a cycle that's so hard to break.
My stress has been managed well at times, while sometimes so bad that it's been disabling. It was definitely easier to manage when I was working full time, probably because my mind was so occupied with work. I find that the more free time I have, the harder it is to control stress. You'd think the opposite would be true, but in my case, a mind at rest is just a sponge that's ready to soak up all the bad stuff. The horror show we're experiencing in the States right now has really pegged my stress level. Those racist, vile comments that you talked about on Internet forums is definitely a trigger. I know that I need to stop reading them, but at the same time, I also feel that I need to read the news in order to stay informed. Why is it so hard to ignore those comments? It's like a horrible trainwreck that you can't turn away from. I imagine that issue is probably causing anxiety on a global scale. It really is awful. I don't think that particular problem is going to go away anytime soon, so we'll all need to figure out a way to look in the opposite direction.
I've also had old memories that were long buried come back to haunt me. Things that happened when I was only five years old, now back with startling clarity. Tupp, I'm so sorry that you've had to suffer the trauma of rape. I'm not sure how one copes with that. I was sexually assaulted a few years back, just groped, so minor in comparison. Still, that moment will be with me for the rest of my life. I think that's a given with any trauma. Have you thought of writing about it? If you like to write, a good essay on your experience might act as a release, with the bonus of offering comfort to other women. I need to practice what I preach, though. My writing instructor is always encouraging me to write essays, and I just procrastinate. That's a whole other problem that needs to be dealt with. :?
Because my mind needs a distraction, I'm trying to avoid situations where I'm alone, bored, and open to dwelling on things. Human contact is always good. That one can be a challenge for me since I'm no longer working, but just getting outside, walking the dog, and chatting with neighbours does so much to lift my spirits and take me out of that dark place.
I've also been going to my psych a lot more in recent months. Unfortunately, her time is so limited, I always feel rushed, but I also feel much better for having gone.
When I'm alone, two things that distract me in a positive way are reading (good novels, not news), and music. Music is probably the biggest healer for me. Putting on some favourite songs, and just dancing around a little, that can take me to another place. Sometimes it even helps to listen to songs that have depressing lyrics about abuse or whatever, but I relate to them, and they bring me comfort. Does that sound weird? You mentioned your drumming, and I think that's great. There's something magical about music, whether listening to it or creating it. I think we should all put on a favourite record today and dance. ABBA, anyone? :)
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I try to do a little research on trauma every day. Today I happened on this video by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.
THis video is good bc it gives so much information about how the brain and body are involved in trauma, and healing same, IMO. Particularly childhood trauma.
Dr. Kolk is not too keen on Western medicine..... you'll hear that pretty clearly. He's also not insisting there's one magic bullet or path to heal trauma. He simply points out WHY certain healing modalities help, and cites the work and studies to back it up.
This kind of information really appeals to my need to know what and why. You may have to copy and paste the link; )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXr_IB1ELCk
Lighter
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This is a great topic. I have to say that I related to every word in Lighter's first post. Yes, it IS inside us, especially those of us who have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (I'm guessing many, if not all children of Ns have some level of anxiety). In a case like that, it's a true biological condition that we can only hope to manage, but never cure. We stress over managing our stress, a cycle that's so hard to break.
My stress has been managed well at times, while sometimes so bad that it's been disabling. It was definitely easier to manage when I was working full time, probably because my mind was so occupied with work. I find that the more free time I have, the harder it is to control stress. You'd think the opposite would be true, but in my case, a mind at rest is just a sponge that's ready to soak up all the bad stuff. The horror show we're experiencing in the States right now has really pegged my stress level. Those racist, vile comments that you talked about on Internet forums is definitely a trigger. I know that I need to stop reading them, but at the same time, I also feel that I need to read the news in order to stay informed. Why is it so hard to ignore those comments? It's like a horrible trainwreck that you can't turn away from. I imagine that issue is probably causing anxiety on a global scale. It really is awful. I don't think that particular problem is going to go away anytime soon, so we'll all need to figure out a way to look in the opposite direction.
I've also had old memories that were long buried come back to haunt me. Things that happened when I was only five years old, now back with startling clarity. Tupp, I'm so sorry that you've had to suffer the trauma of rape. I'm not sure how one copes with that. I was sexually assaulted a few years back, just groped, so minor in comparison. Still, that moment will be with me for the rest of my life. I think that's a given with any trauma. Have you thought of writing about it? If you like to write, a good essay on your experience might act as a release, with the bonus of offering comfort to other women. I need to practice what I preach, though. My writing instructor is always encouraging me to write essays, and I just procrastinate. That's a whole other problem that needs to be dealt with. :?
Because my mind needs a distraction, I'm trying to avoid situations where I'm alone, bored, and open to dwelling on things. Human contact is always good. That one can be a challenge for me since I'm no longer working, but just getting outside, walking the dog, and chatting with neighbours does so much to lift my spirits and take me out of that dark place.
I've also been going to my psych a lot more in recent months. Unfortunately, her time is so limited, I always feel rushed, but I also feel much better for having gone.
When I'm alone, two things that distract me in a positive way are reading (good novels, not news), and music. Music is probably the biggest healer for me. Putting on some favourite songs, and just dancing around a little, that can take me to another place. Sometimes it even helps to listen to songs that have depressing lyrics about abuse or whatever, but I relate to them, and they bring me comfort. Does that sound weird? You mentioned your drumming, and I think that's great. There's something magical about music, whether listening to it or creating it. I think we should all put on a favourite record today and dance. ABBA, anyone? :)
I was nodding all the way through that, Kathy, I have always kept myself very busy because I find it keeps my mind occupied and I can't think about 'stuff' too much. That said, my health is starting to suffer now and I've been having to slow down a bit. The doctor put me on a low dose of anti depressant and I have to say (after having horrible experiences with those sort of drugs years ago) that it is helping, it's just keeping my mind calm enough for me to be in control of it rather than it controlling me. I'm trying to meditate and do yoga each day, even just for five minutes, and to spend time in the garden and out walking whenever possible.
I tend to try and avoid the news as much as I can; some days I know I can cope with it and some days I know I can't. I have filled my Facebook feed with positive, environmentally friendly, peace and love type groups so that I have a 'good news' feed to turn to when I need to. I can't cope with the helplessness; I feel there isn't a huge amount I can do other than look after myself well, be nice to people and give away a few quid here and there to someone who needs it when I have it to spare.
Sexual assault is never minor or trivial, Kathy, whichever form it takes, my T really drummed that into me. Apparently it is quite common for people who've been through it to trivialise or diminish what happened but the invasion of privacy, the refusal to recognise boundaries, the lack of concern for the other person, they're all the same whichever way someone does something you don't want them too. It's on my mind a lot more these days, the number of men who think laying hands on someone is perfectly okay, the victim blaming that goes on, I've been talking to friends and not a single one hasn't at some time had sexual attention forced on them. I'm not talking about a guy trying for a kiss at the end of a date but women who have been sitting minding their own business and suddenly found a man with his hands on them. I think we really need to drum it into our sons that casually groping women is never acceptable and into our daughters that it's never 'not a big deal'. Obviously women abuse as well so perhaps it would be more appropriate for it to be all encompassing to both sexes. I suppose I think more about male to female because that was my experience.
I love to dance! And yes, sad music, or even music written by someone who's had a bad experience even if that isn't what the song's about, I find that very uplifting. I love listening to Fiona Apple, apparently she was raped and just knowing that makes me hear her songs as being very strong, whatever they might be about. Someone else I love is Sinead O'Connor; she was talking about Catholic abuse scandals years ago, long before it became public knowledge and received a lot of criticism for it before it became apparent she was right. I love the fact that she shaved her head in defiance of the record company who wanted her to look more girly and find her very articulate and passionate; I could listen to her all day :)
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Radical idea (and it's a work in progress):
What if what we call stress is actually our struggle to find meaning in the things that happen to us - that we're not able to control? For whatever reason.
Sometimes it's trauma - both the kind that is violent, a one-time life threatening event and the longer term, dominating over-riding of our personal will? Sometimes it's world events that all we can "do" about it is voice an opinion or cast a vote - because we're not in a position currently to make a difference. Sometimes it's just randomness of LIFE. Those "accidents" or "life events" where a person asks, one way or another, "why me?"
I dunno. Maybe this idea won't stick. I'm working with it a little... and reading a book about such things.
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http://www.wisdompills.com/2014/09/19/4-questions-medicine-man-ask/
Four questions the medicine man would ask you.....
Tupp was talking about dancing..... I used to love to dance. I miss it lately.
Yesterday our education consultant brought up the four questions... I'm putting it here.
Lighter
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I like this blogger's theme of "permission for women."
http://www.maraglatzel.com/praying-at-the-altar-of-busy/ (http://www.maraglatzel.com/praying-at-the-altar-of-busy/)
See what you think.
Love
Hops
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Hi Hops:
I liked this link.
This is the thing.... I've been unable to process and assimilate this kind of information in my life over the last 10 years or so. I WANT so badly to implement and make lasting change. I've tried.
I see information that educates and informs.... that should help me put self care rituals in place, but up to very recent weeks I've only been able to latch on to concepts in a meaning lasting way. I can begin, but not endure which leads to guilt and shame, and more trouble focusing and shifting out of fear mode, IME.
Becoming aware of my inner world, mostly the painful/uncomfortable/negative/judgemental/overwhelmed/alarmed parts, may be making it possible for me to take this site's information on board, finally, as a permanent part of my care routine.
I have to write this all out, for myself here....
Calming my amygdala.... with all it's small and large alarm bells clanging.... blocked my ability to integrate new helpful actions back into my life. I used to HAVE THEM. I used to live them, and be soothed, and uplifted, and organized through them in all aspects of my life. Something happened that I couldn't do that anymore, and dealing with THAT, which is utter surprise and astonished relief for me...... is creating a shift in my ability to engage in self care and assimilate new information.... like the site you provided.
It feels like I can finally SEE it.... not just be aware of it on the outside....... this kind of information I've thirsted for, it's a repeating them on the board..... I feel like I can apply it and it's not about making a plan, or committing... it's about just waking up one day and doing it.
Like I just DID after discovering how my brain reacts to feeling at the mercy of, without control over things I'm responsible for. I just shifted.... like flipping a switch in my brain. I'm working on flipping the switch... hopefully so I can do it at will, and learning how to trust, and feel safe again so I can learn from the site you provided.
It's more information about how to get back in the ZONE, not just a TO DO list of self care routines... but how to find our own secret recipe. Can't wait to get into it.
I feel like I'm stumbling and stuttering right now, and it's been very helpful to share on the board, even though I'm repeating stuff and finally getting things other members have had.... it's just very.... much..... like alchemy, IME.
Lighter
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Stumbling and stuttering and sharing is exactly what the board is for, ime!
And try not to compare yourself to others' experiences or assume yours is less or failing or whatever that competitive critical person who sometimes visits your brain is muttering about. Just be kind to yourself.
That's what I'm working on...trying to actively be my own friend.
You're healing from and integrating a lot, Light, using a whole lot of tools that feel right for you.
BRAVA. (And glad you liked that blog. Me, I've never been driven to accomplish, I'm like her
very very slow germinator type. Never been anywhere close to a Type A, more like Type ADD...plus Z)
hugs
Hops
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Hops:
I won't go on and on about my first appt with somatic T yesterday, but she said a lot of things you've written on the board throughout the years.
In the telling of my story TO her, which was much longer than the last time I tried to relate my story to a T over 10 years ago for myself..... this somatic T kept slowing my roll, asking me to "return to my feet, to feel into my feet, to look out the window and see the beautiful day" blah blah blah, and it made me think.....
THIS IS IT?
The stuff Hops talked about all those years ago and I COULD HAVE DONE THIS FOR MYSELF for free, and fixed myself THEN had I been able, but I wasn't I FAILED and the Judge did go on.
:shock: REALLY? :shock:
The Judge in my head was impatient with all the empathy she was throwing around, much too cavalier about it,
::nodding::
and all her comments on parts and pieces of the story....
Lord I hadn't even gotten started for Pete's sake.
Wait till she hears THIS..... and sure enough we were stopping again.....
"layered trauma"....
well....
lady.....
I don't have near the trauma you see regularly, no doubt, (my Judge was thinking.) This is not childhood abuse trauma.... this is adult stuff, and I'm strong as an ox, and I can carry myself and others, and......sure, I'm a bit squashed, but but but....
I still haven't given her all the larger pieces. How can that be in an hour and a half? The Judge wants to know, and maybe if I'd kept my eyes their normal size, and voice level......
maybe we could have cracked on through, do ya'think?
When the appt was up, and she was making sure I was OK enough to drive (WHAT T DOES THAT?) the Judge was very agitated, non stop really....... THIS is going to be about wiggling our toes in grass, and touching bark I KNEW IT!
Umm... the Judge knew it, that is.
The journey continues.
Lighter
ps The T is kind of semi retired..... she has alpacas, and wears things made of whatever it is they're covered with... fur or hair... looked like fur. Very comforting to see a woman dressed in fuzzy warm earth tones head to to, and Mary Janes..... next visit she'll tell me why she "has to dress so comfortably." Guessing it will be a health problem that sinks my stomach and shoots adrenaline. She's just so darned nice..... her suffering is will be might be.... heartbreaking, and she won't want me to go there... I'll have to look at my feet, bc she'll stop everything and it will be my feet again. I'm not to pay attention to the suffering of others, bc it's "activating."
I remember all the times I told people on different boards to "keep their heads where their feet are." And I knew I wasn't able to follow my own advice consistently... sometimes not at all. There was something I couldn't get past to get down the path, and DO it. I couldn't give my attention to it, bc I had to give my attention to the next crisis. I see that now. There has to be some safe place to do the work.
I'm going to finish writing my 3 pages, and affirmations and blurts.... prolly around the above, and get on with my day.
::sigh::
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Sexual assault is never minor or trivial, Kathy, whichever form it takes, my T really drummed that into me. Apparently it is quite common for people who've been through it to trivialise or diminish what happened but the invasion of privacy, the refusal to recognise boundaries, the lack of concern for the other person, they're all the same whichever way someone does something you don't want them too. It's on my mind a lot more these days, the number of men who think laying hands on someone is perfectly okay, the victim blaming that goes on, I've been talking to friends and not a single one hasn't at some time had sexual attention forced on them.
Thanks so much, Tup. It truly is alarming just how many women have experienced some kind of violation, especially in the workplace. Like you, I don’t think I know another woman who hasn’t been harassed or violated in some way. For those who have gone through it, it’s easy to understand why women wait so long to come forward against people like Bill Cosby or Donald Trump, if they come forward at all. The victims are never believed and are always accused of being in it for the money, when in reality, the more powerful the person, the more likely the they are to come after their victim(s) for money. In my case, the man who groped me sued me for defamation of character after they were unable to bring charges based on a lack of witnesses. The suit was dropped after a second woman came forward, but she refused to press charges because she was frightened of retaliation. That’s why these celebrity accusers tend to appear all at once ... there’s strength in numbers. No matter what happened, even if just verbal harassment, it’s terrible to have that invalidated by people saying things like “it was only locker room talk,” or "maybe you're just overly sensitive."
Maybe we trivialise it because of all the doubt, denial, and outright disbelief of the general public. So when it happens, we may tend to think, but so-and-so had it worse, or this is just common "guy stuff," and I'm making too much out of it. Or maybe it's our backgrounds as N daughters. Our N mothers raised us to believe that a violation of boundries was normal and acceptable. Subsequently, we may be more vulnerable, and when it happens, remain more silent.
I'm so glad you mentioned Fiona Apple. I love her too, as well as Tori Amos, who is a rape survivor. I haven't listened to either one in quite some time, but have now started again. I love Tori's "Crucify." My gosh, what a powerful song.
Why do we
crucify ourselves
every day
I crucify myself
nothing I do is good enough for you ....
Thank goodness for these women who empower us through music. It helps. It really does.
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Stumbling and stuttering and sharing is exactly what the board is for, ime!
YES! I don't always have time to reply to everyone, but I do read all the posts. I appreciate the stream-of-consciousness, long stumbling sharing of thoughts. I relate to SO much of it, and it helps more than you can know. Just let it out, keep it coming. Hugs to all. :)
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OOO, Judge's robe is coming off and her dingy bra strap shows, eh? Love that you're arguing back.
You do ahead and be shrill and bug-eyed and lost in the toes-feel...this is GREAT, Lighter. You got no image to bother about, here.
I really like the sound of your new T. Some stories ARE complicated and trauma-full and take a while. You take however long you need. Let the Judge squawk, until one day she realizes nobody's interested in her.
KUDOS.
And Kathy, I'm so happy you continue to read and feel free to write when you can...and are helped. It's good to have your company here, whenever it works for you.
Hugs
Hops
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I didn't get my 3 pages in this morning.... the pen wouldn't write, then it exploded as I flicked it around to get the ink going, and then I picked up another pen, but the red ink was alarming and so I felt alarmed.... TODAY I'M NOT SUPPOSED to WRITE! Oh dear, I hope I'm supposed to be doing something else.... and it took me several hours to get beyond that spiral. What if what if what if..... and on it did go. I'm picky about pens (Only fine point, please), and a little superstitious, I admit.
At the end of the day I put on https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9qMlVUxUaA, wrapped myself in a soft vintage blanket warm from the dryer, lit 3 candles on the back porch and snuggled with the Pug before sundown. We napped, and woke up after dark. Ahhh.... the video was lovely, as are so many of this author's.
::sigh::
Lighter
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Just writing this here as I wanted somewhere to put it before the memory fades and this is always the safest place :) WARNING - MAY TRIGGER - SORRY.
I have been pottering along with my slower paced, healthier life. I've been meditating most days, doing a bit of yoga, spending time in the garden, putting my feet up and reading and generally looking after myself and being less frantic. I had a bit of a 'ooh hoo' moment when several things happened at once and I went into rescue mode but it was over very quickly, I paced myself again, reset my boundaries and carried on. It was my son's birthday last week and we had a lovely time with a few friends over and a day out.
I went down with a very heavy cold (I do find that resting and looking after myself does tend to make me react in some way, I suppose your body lets out toxins or stress or something?). I've looked after myself, plenty of fluids, lots of Vitamin C and so on, but had a terribly sore throat that I couldn't shift. One of the meditiations I've been using works on clearing and realigning the chakras and one school of thought is that a sore throat indicates a blocked throat chakra so when I woke at 2am the night before last with my throat literally screaming I tried a throat chakra meditiation.
I had the most horrendous flashback, all physical, with the only other sense being a feeling of being in my childhood bedroom. I could feel something being forced into my throat, not being able to breathe, fighting and struggling to get away and not being able to. The feeling of control and being forced to surrender was awful. My legs were pumping as if I were trying to run but I couldn't get up from the bed. It was almost like an out of body experience, I think, as one part of my mind was terrified whilst the other was quite calming thinking "it's a flashback. It's not really happening again." It didn't last for very long; I was sobbing and felt very small and vulnerable but at the same time did feel some sort of sense of release and of something being 'out there'. I didn't really sleep much again that night but the following day was nice and sunny so it was nice to spend time in the garden. Last night I couldn't sleep again, my throat was still very sore and this morning I woke and literally had no voice, which I always think is funny when we have all felt so voiceless at times that sometimes it becomes a physical reality. It is starting to come back now, though, which my son is very disappointed about :)
I do feel tired and a bit out of it (and I did keep losing time yesterday, I noticed) but I also feel that something has been unblocked and let out. I think maybe the fact that we've moved and feel safer is one thing, and maybe my son's age is triggering things off now as well. Either way, I am glad this is happening here in our new home where at least I can sit in our lovely garden rather than the old place where I'd have been feeling glum anyway.
As I say, just parking this here for now so it doesn't get lost as the week moves on. Very, very glad to have this safe space, as always xx
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((((Tupp)))) There you are!
I was wondering what you were up to.
So sorry about the flashback. Sorry it's so present and frightening.... but glad it's coming OUT....
glad you're moving down the path and away from the past. Be kind and gentle with yourself..... you deserve compassion, and empathy. If you stay with this, it will pass, IME. You can't be harmed any more...... not if you let it out, so you can let it go, IME.
Reading about your new self care rituals, in your new safe space..... your garden, with your feet up...... truly feels like headway. Feeling better isn't ever DONE. It's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing, and you're doing a wonderful job, IME.
It's cold here now. How is it over the Pond?
Lighter
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Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).
Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.
But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...
....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.
I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.
YOU are the best friend you ever could have.
I am awed.
love,
Hops
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I’m so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.
I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams I’m always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. I’m now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?
I do agree with Lighter that it’s probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like you’re strong, but you are. :D
I’m so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.
And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. It’s always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!
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Random thoughts. All that ever helps me is to leave the stress. Run away from whatever is causing me stress. Which kinda sucks on one hand. In some ways it seems not adult like but flip side is there is so much BS in life that we have NO CONTROL over. On the other hand the truth is that if something is causing too much stress it means our needs are not getting met and it's not good for us.
I could also ask myself how often do I really pursue happiness.
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Random thoughts. All that ever helps me is to leave the stress. Run away from whatever is causing me stress. Which kinda sucks on one hand. In some ways it seems not adult like but flip side is there is so much BS in life that we have NO CONTROL over. On the other hand the truth is that if something is causing too much stress it means our needs are not getting met and it's not good for us.
I could also ask myself how often do I really pursue happiness.
I have always run from stress, G, it's been a key pattern throughout my life. I find it easier to get away from something than I do to change it. Fight or flight, I suppose? Maybe part of it is whether you can do anything about the stress - with me it's often other people's behaviour and I generally find most people aren't willing to change their behaviour x
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I’m so sorry you had this flashback. It's amazing how we can recall our childhoods with such amazing clarity in our dreams; our rooms, our beds, the wallpaper pattern. I remember every detail.
I often have dreams about being a child and being in chains, locked in a closet, or some other thing that my NM never even did to me, but my dreams/nightmares always associate her with harming me in some way. In these dreams I’m always a kid, usually a teen, which was when things were at their worst. I’m now 57, yet my dreams will bypass 40 years of life, and go back to childhood. Does that happen to all of us who were harmed by our N-parents? Our young minds are forever affected by our experiences?
I do agree with Lighter that it’s probably good for this stuff to come out. It may seem crazy, but I believe that having these flashbacks actually makes us stronger than if we suppressed them. We need to remember the bad in order to move forward, and gain strength. You may not feel like you’re strong, but you are. :D
I’m so glad that you feel safe in your new place, hopefully both emotionally as well as physically. As scary as the world has become, I think, in many ways, emotional safety can be more important to us.
And so happy that you have a lovely garden to tend to. There’s something incredibly therapeutic about gardening. It’s always been something that has helped me. It seems impossible to think bad thoughts while listening to the chirping of birds, breathing fresh air, and smelling the flowers. You WILL feel better!
Thanks, Kathy, I do find it amazing that however much you consciously change and arrange your life there can still be childhood stuff pulling all those strings somewhere deep inside. Equally I think that for abusers that abuse pattern is a way of playing out their own childhood stuff. It amazes me that my mum still plays the same mind games and manipulative techniques now that she always did, even though her kids have cut ties with her one by on. It's never occured to her that changing her behaviour might be helpful. It reminds of a child who hides their face thinking if they can't see you, you can't see them. Just a very simplistic view of the world.
I do think better out than in is right! I've had a very heavy cold all week and feel pretty ill, it's as if all sorts of things are escaping from me at the moment. I'm trying just to go with it; we've nothing terribly important on at the moment so I can do a few things, rest a bit, do a few more things, rest a bit more. It doesn't matter. I think my son is getting a bit bored but hopefully that will mean he'll be more eager to do things once I feel up to it again :) x
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Oh, honey. (((((((Tupp)))))))).
Your clarity and maturity as you describe what happened almost makes me hesitate
about saying "I'm sorry this happened." I AM sorry that it happened to little you.
Wordlessly sorry.
But somehow I feel as though this flashback is a way for you to so completely love
and comfort yourself, with zero shame or filter between you and just totally loving
that brave girl who endured so much...
....And became this brave woman, who has looked at her life with clear eyes, an
ever-wiser mind, and heart of a lion.
I don't even know why I put it this way, but I so hope you are proud of yourself.
Just plain proud. Nothing to defend, apologize away, or question.
YOU are the best friend you ever could have.
I am awed.
love,
Hops
Thank you, Hops, it means a lot :) I am getting better at loving myself and giving myself care instead of harming further. This sort of thing doesn't scare me any more; I used to worry it meant I was 'crazy' but now it feels like another piece coming out to allow a bit more healing to happen. I'm just lucky I can heal; I don't have to worry about heading back into a situation I can't cope with or putting on a front to pretend everything's okay. I can take my time at home and just sort of work at my own pace, which is really good. I would still like to smack that f**ker right in the face, though :) I have been feeling a lot of anger toward 'the sisterhood' as well, though, so many women around me, mum, aunts, neighbours, friends' mums, school teachers, so many who did nothing, said nothing, noticed nothing. I look back at my teenage years and it's textbook abuse; changes in personality, isolation, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, forever changing jobs, never knowing what to do or which way to turn. Unfortunately I think part of the problem was/is all the women in our family exist for the benefit of their man - life revolves around them and everyone else has to change to suit.
Anyway - I'm all good. Slowly getting on with things and heading in the right direction. Thank you :) x
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((((Tupp)))) There you are!
I was wondering what you were up to.
So sorry about the flashback. Sorry it's so present and frightening.... but glad it's coming OUT....
glad you're moving down the path and away from the past. Be kind and gentle with yourself..... you deserve compassion, and empathy. If you stay with this, it will pass, IME. You can't be harmed any more...... not if you let it out, so you can let it go, IME.
Reading about your new self care rituals, in your new safe space..... your garden, with your feet up...... truly feels like headway. Feeling better isn't ever DONE. It's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back thing, and you're doing a wonderful job, IME.
It's cold here now. How is it over the Pond?
Lighter
Thank you, Lighter, yes, it's better to let it out and things are definitely moving in the right direction, slow but sure!
When will it warm up over there? It's lovely here at the minute, Spring is definitely on it's way. Buds are coming out on trees and shrubs, crocuses, snowdrops and daffodils are everywhere at the minute, we're getting lovely sunny spells and it's getting lighter earlier and darker later, which I love. The birds start singing about 5am and I love that. Everyone cheers up a bit when the sun comes out so people are friendly and chatty. The garden is starting to come to life. I'm going to observe and keep tidy this year, to see what's already there and what can be done or changed. I want to build a covered seating area so I can sit out there when it's raining and still enjoy it. The patio needs relaying, there's an old shed that needs demolishing, a water feature that needs bringing back to life and some fencing that needs repairing. There are a couple of very big spiky plants that can go - I'm not keen on spikey plants - but everything else looks lovely - it looks like a garden that just happened instead of being planned and I love that. Need to buy a lawn mower, though! xx
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We were out today and I saw someone I probably last saw about twenty five years ago. I purposely tried to avoid him seeing me and was relieved when he left without noticing I was there (or acknowledging I was there if he did notice). I was trying to work out why I didn't want him to notice me and I realised it is still that stupid thing of not being good enough. I do feel, deep down inside (and I know this is stupid) that I've failed and I haven't created a good life. I know this is daft - I've worked through untold amounts of abuse and trauma, I've studied and passed multiple exams, I've sorted out my various addiction and co-dependency problems, raised my son and done a huge amount to help him and I've helped a lot of other people along the way, as well as doing all the usual looking after a home and so on. But I felt like none of that is 'noticeable', in a way, it's stuff you tend to get into during a deep and meaningful, not when you bump into someone briefly. That conversations always goes "so what are you up to these days" and the answer is basically I'm living a few miles away from the place I grew up, I haven't worked in years, I'm skint, my son has a lot of health problems that I can't get any help for and the fact that I've left the house today is the biggest thing I've achieved this week. I know that isn't the sum of who I am but equally I'm not into all this "I'm a survivor!" and declaring all my problems every time I speak.
I know it's a self esteem issue and is obviously the bit I need to work on next but it was just a bit of a "blimey do I still feel like that?" moment. I think I always wanted to feel special in some way, and I just don't. I feel very ordinary. And I know there's nothing wrong with ordinary but I would love to feel sparkly :)
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We were out today and I saw someone I probably last saw about twenty five years ago. I purposely tried to avoid him seeing me and was relieved when he left without noticing I was there (or acknowledging I was there if he did notice). I was trying to work out why I didn't want him to notice me and I realised it is still that stupid thing of not being good enough. I do feel, deep down inside (and I know this is stupid) that I've failed and I haven't created a good life. I know this is daft - I've worked through untold amounts of abuse and trauma, I've studied and passed multiple exams, I've sorted out my various addiction and co-dependency problems, raised my son and done a huge amount to help him and I've helped a lot of other people along the way,
https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Tara+Brach
Dear sweet, Tupp... you so deserve to feel better. I really like Tara Brach and she popped into my head as I read your post. See if she doesn't resonate with your struggles a bit... there are so many videos..... maybe one will strike a chord.
Also, I so want to TAP TAP TAP on your insecurities.... I want to Tap for you, and with you, lol.
::sigh::
I want to sit with them, and accept them, and thank them for their service, and let them know you'll be OK, even if they take a break.
as well as doing all the usual looking after a home and so on. But I felt like none of that is 'noticeable', in a way, it's stuff you tend to get into during a deep and meaningful, not when you bump into someone briefly. That conversations always goes "so what are you up to these days"
You're living in a lovely new apartment.... the move went just fine, and you're looking forward to enjoying the lovely garden with your son who has learning differences. You've been homeschooling him, but are now considering alternatives. You're meditating and paying attention to nutrition.... there are so many things you're doing, and they don't have to be deep discussions. They can be light, and brief too, IME. and the answer is basically I'm living a few miles away from the place I grew up, I haven't worked in years Well, fighting dragons in the legal and social arenas, while protecting your child, and advocating for services, and homeschooling, and living WITH the dragons just accross the lane..... sounds like work to me, Tupp. , I'm skint, my son has a lot of health problems that I can't get any help for and the fact that I've left the house today is the biggest thing I've achieved this week. I know that isn't the sum of who I am but equally I'm not into all this "I'm a survivor!" and declaring all my problems every time I speak.
What you are, Tupp, is decompressing. You're just now AWAY from crisis and trauma.... anyone would be triggered living where you lived around the people you were subjected to, IME. You're just now able to feel the weight of your FOO shift off to the side... it's been right on top of you, for Pete's sake. How in the world have you done as well as you have? There's something inside you that's good, and whole, and is able to rise above long enough to get you through is all I can think of. There's spark inside you, and it's been sustaining you, IMO.
That goodness will grow, and flourish since you've afforded yourself space to breath and heal, IME. Not bc of the space, but bc you're motivated to educate yourself, and heal. THAT's huge,. IME.
It's OK to feel the insecurity, and doubt, and there's a time to do it, IMO. Put your hand on the part of your body you feel it in, and just listen to it, Tupp. You don't have to do anything else, but just be curious about it.
It helps me all the time, and I do it often having just completed the final Parent Program at DD16's therapeutic boarding school. Goodness..... 3 sets of struggling parents with their dds, and me with my dd. I'm touching my chest and stomach at least 3 times a day, and often wondering how much better I'm feeling in between... like momentum is building.... or compounding even. It's sustaining, and I'm humming through entire days now.... one way I gauge how I'm doing... am I humming? If I'm not feeling OK I always always always notice I haven't been humming in a while. Funny thing, that.
I know it's a self esteem issue and is obviously the bit I need to work on next but it was just a bit of a "blimey do I still feel like that?" moment. Sure, you do. Everyone does, and it's OK to feel it, IME. It's the judgement you attach to feeling it, or of not getting past it yet, that slows us down, IME. I'm doing that with the new T. Still beating myself up for not overcoming all my adversity and feelings about it when I just couldn't do it before now.... and I have to make peace with it. I finally get that I couldn't do it while I was still carrying the burdens and living under siege..... and it's OK. I think it will help me, and you too, if we can release the blame and shame.... they're just not at all productive, IME. Everything in it's time, Tupp. I think it's our time now: )
We can feel good about that, right?
I think I always wanted to feel special in some way, and I just don't. I feel very ordinary. And I know there's nothing wrong with ordinary but I would love to feel sparkly :) I think you'll feel plenty special once you gain enough distance and safety to look back, and see who you are and what you've done. AMAZING, TUPP! You've gone through all that and still managed to remain a decent, kind, GOOD human being who cares about her son and others despite the slogging through and living without you've endured. You persevere, and that's not how everyone operates in this world, Tupp. But you do. What you've gone through can destroy people, Tupp. Their ability to connect, and trust, and to see possibility. You're seeking out better ways, and educating yourself. Striving. THIS is IN you..... and the active seeking is in itself raising you up, IME.
Just dropping the expectation that we'll move through something a certain way allows us to clear a path otherwised closed to us, IME. Letting go of expectation can help us get out of our own way, IME.
(((Tupp and son)))
It's going to be OK. It's already so much better than it was. Pat yourself on the back, and accept you were doing the best you could, all the time.
Lighter
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Lighter, thank you. I did read this a few days ago when you first posted it and it brought tears to my eyes and I've had to spend a few days thinking things through because there was so much in there, it suddenly felt like huge layers of things were just falling away and it's taken me a bit of time to shuffle through it all. But I am having that funny thing again of feeling like the Universe (or whatever anyone wants to call some sort of Higher Power) is looking down and looking after me when things get a bit stormy. A while ago I bumped into the sister of an old school friend (who I haven't seen since we left school), numbers were swapped and we arranged to get together this past weekend and I came away so happy that I now have a new friend in my life (or perhaps reconnected friend is a better way to think about it). We just got on so well, she lives quite nearby and we both said we'd like to meet up again soon so arrangments are being made and we're sorting something out. It made me really happy. Another friend called to see if we'd like to go to the beach with them on what turned out to be Mother's Day and we had such a nice time, they're a lovely family, our kids get on well and it was such a nice way to spend the day, I was smiling from ear to ear.
Your suggestions of what to say re moving, home education etc were so brilliant and it's exactly what I said with the old school friend when I saw her. I felt more confident in saying "yep, I've been working blooming hard and this is what I've been doing", although it turns out she isn't the type to judge on the superficial stuff anyway so I had no reason to worry about that. But I've been practising saying it and it's amazing how much it has changed the way I feel about myself so thank you for that. I will check out the Tara Brach videos you mention as well, thank you. And yes, I think you're right about the decompressing, I don't have to put my armour on and battle through each day anymore and it has left me floundering a bit. I think I'm so used to doing just that that being able not to do it has been a bit strange. I am slowly getting there, though.
How are things going with you, I hope spring is starting to show itself! :)
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Tupp:
I've been enjoying lots of energy.....riding a wave of activity. Nothing I've had to think about, plan or DO.... just riding along, happy to have a wave to ride.
Paying attention to what I feel, and why I'm feeling it has been amazingly helpful.
I've had a chance to notice my zen/true North/zone ebb and flow while attempting to remain detached and curious. I don't see that I'm doing it well or poorly.
Things touch us, Tupp. They might as well climb into our skin, uninvited guests. If we're willing to acknowledge they're there..... and just notice them..... at least there's a chance for them to take their leave, IME.
I'm going to watch Dr. Van Der Kolks video while enjoying my bath ritual today... here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXr_IB1ELCk
Again, I like him bc he's a traditional T with an interest in what works to heal trauma, which is what he specializes in. This means he's done studies on, and followed studies on integrative medicine BECAUSE it WORKS. He was a skeptic swayed by statistics and success with patients.
I'm so glad to read your update, btw Tupp. I read it twice. You're just where you're supposed to be.... smiling from ear to ear. There's more where that came from.
Enjoy the Spring. Take pictures of your garden so you know what it does next Spring while contemplating what to plant here and there for joy.
Yes: )
Lighter
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Lighter, your kind, supportive posts for Tup are leaking over here!
(As have been your more cerebral, richly interesting talks with PR.)
It's neat how one can just go sit in a spare armchair when
the house is full of conversation. Even if one's too tired to talk
one can tune in and feel part of it.
:D
Hugs
Hops
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Lighter, your kind, supportive posts for Tup are leaking over here!
(As have been your more cerebral, richly interesting talks with PR.)
It's neat how one can just go sit in a spare armchair when
the house is full of conversation. Even if one's too tired to talk
one can tune in and feel part of it.
:D
Hugs
Hops
That's one of the things that I love about the forum, the way that other people's posts/responses/suggestions and so on can help other people, I enjoy reading other threads even though I don't always feel I have anything to say about it but I get so much from reading other people's posts and seeing their perspective. It's such a nice little community here :) x
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I feel I am going down a bit of a rabbit hole at the moment (in a good way!). I have been doing quite a lot of yoga and meditation and I've been having some quite strong emotional reactions. Apart from the flashbacks I've already mentioned I've found myself crying (in a releasing sort of way) and whilst meditating today I had another strong (but brief) flashback of being raped and then went completely numb and found I couldn't follow the meditation any longer.
I feel my body is saying now is the time to heal from the sexual abuse, which I've known for a long time is a huge blockage that I just haven't been able to shift. We are safe in our nice flat. My son's health is stable enough that I don't need to focus on him to the exclustion of everything else. Our financial situation is stable enough that money isn't a terrible worry at the minute and the weather is really warming up so it's great for gardening, nice long naps in the garden and lots of walks. I think all the signs are saying this is a good time to do it so I'm going with it, looking after myself very carefully. I'm trying to sort out some regular care for my son so that I can go back to the nice counsellor as well. All in all it feels like a safe time to do this; I think I will probably write a lot of it down on here but I will flag it up if it's unpleasant as I know it can be very triggering. Just wanted to get it down here for now :) x
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((((Tupp)))
I am SO glad to hear you're readying to go back to the T you liked and trusted.
That's going to be a huge help, and I know she'll make you feel safe as you talk
through this crucial healing.
You are brave and I believe you that you are ready.
I can't imagine what peace and power you are going to find in your life as a result.
So impressed and encouraged for you!
love,
Hops
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(((Hops))) I'm touched deeply by other people's journey's on the board. I find important things on old threads, and new ones too: ) I'm glad you're feeling warmth leak from anything I write. Truly, thank you: )
Tupp.... what I've learned about trauma, involving attachment, is that it's more difficult to overcome. EMDR is super duper helpful with single event trauma not involving attachment, and can heal completely in a very short time.... weeks. Amazing stuff.
Brain spotting is another aspect of EMDR, involving eye movement. I'm trying to figure all this out myself, but it seems promising for everyone moving out of trauma, IME. I hope you can find some EMDR basics and add them to your self care rituals as you can. As I've said before, just becoming aware of your inner world, and paying attention to it is UBER important... you're already doing that.
Writing out old history/trauma with new story lines and victorious outcomes is another way of addressing how our brains and bodies hold on to trauma that might be very helpful. You may want to ask your T about Somatic Therapy, and the best options for you.
If you have the chance to watch some of Dr. Van Der Kolk's videos on Youtube,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXr_IB1ELCk
and maybe read his book THE BODY KEEPS THE SCORE... it might help you make connections, and choices that move you through healing as quickly as can be managed. I have information on Brain Spotting I'd love to share with you if I can figure out how to do that.
I know this.... you can't change your past, but you can absolutely change your future, and how you feel about it..... all new, and untarnished. You're seeking relief and freedom..... not being afraid to look at your pain and wounds.... it's all pointing to finding relief, and space to live a completely new life for yourself, IME.
I've watched you fight, grow, take action in your life. What will you do when the past is forced to release it's grip on you? How will you learn to frame your reality going forward?
I can't wait to see :D
((((Tupp)))) I'm honored to share this journey with you.
Lighter
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Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages. I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).
Soooo - Day 1 of healing! Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit. I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on. So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on. So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat).
I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan. Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable. I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).
I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).
He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test. I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted. There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak. I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head? Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life). So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie. But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it.
So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with! He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing. Go him :)
I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds. But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away. I don't need them now.
I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.
Will update tomorrow! Thank you :) x
-
Day 2 :)
Was 35 minutes into a phone call this morning when I realised that (a) everything the other person was talking about was negative or problematic and (b) despite being on the phone for 35 minutes I had yet to speak! Politely ended the call; what was interesting was that I had planned to phone a lot of people over the weekend to catch up on their news but because that call had tired me out I found myself mentally crossing people off my list of people to phone because I wouldn't be able to cope with listening to them. I realised that some of my friends cope with problems; they talk about them but they deal with them at the same time, they're quite philosophical, if things are bad they focus on a time when things will be better and how other people have it much worse. Other friends cycle through the same problems over and over and don't take much action to resolve them. I realised that it isn't that I don't like those people, I just don't want to listen to their problems because they're always the same! So I've made a mental pact with myself to stick to text with some people and use phone for others :)
Didn't feel as tired or under the weather today. I've done a bit more cleaning and a bit more painting. We went out for lunch and did a bit of shopping. I cooked a nice tea and had a nice bath. I did my yoga this morning and enjoyed it a lot and have some night time meditations for when I go to sleep this evening. I haven't actively done any work on 'the abuse' because I'm trying to go with how I feel at the minute, and what I'm feeling is creating a nest and lots of comfort.
-
Hi Twoapenny,
I can also relate a little to you about your son. My only brother was born with cerebral palsy, leaving him not able to walk or talk about 3 to 6 months physically. Of course my NM ran away from the situation going to work and leaving him with her 65 year old mother at the time. I was born 3 years later into this dysfunctional situation of a mother who didn't want to be involved with her sons condition. When I was six he was nine he started taking convulsions....you can just imagine a elderly woman trying to handle that. When you mention wheelchair I used to put my brother in his wheel chair and hop on the back of it and ride it up and down the sidewalk.
Amazing how a innocent child was left to such poor care at home by his own mother. My grandmother at age 75 fell and broke her hip carrying him into the yard. I think maybe he weighed around 60 or 70 lbs....I have no idea how much he was. So until my grandmother could be left alone my mother stayed home. But it really didn't matter she was home.....she was never a loving mother.
But I am thinking of you and you caring for your son daily ?? That is a big order of the day for you and your life.....
Your a loving mother trying to do the right thing by your son.....but also you need to be good to yourself.....
Its not a easy situation at all......and very demanding one ......
I don't know your situation....but I am here for you anytime.......Bettyanne xoxo
-
Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages. I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).
Soooo - Day 1 of healing! Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit. I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on. So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on. So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat). Good for you! Just noticing the SHOULDs, and naming them.... acknowledging them is powerful, IME.
I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan. Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable. I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).Yes yes yest to mommy food in the fridge and freezer. I cooked a ham, and a pork butt on Saturday filling the house with lovely smells, and comfort food. New potatoes and green beans with the pork butt were just right.
I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).
He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test. I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted. There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak. I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head? Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life). So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie. But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it. I know that shot of adrenaline with people do bad and shocking things without concern for our children. I hope you can stop the spiral, pay attention to what feelings come up, and just sit with them till they're diminished or banished. I'm not really shocked bio d is doing this.... just sad that it seems to have no end. And it will end, Tupp. Just know that. /color]
So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with! He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing. Go him :) Yay yay, Tupp. I was going to say you can resist jumping through hoops and disproving negatives... we don't always have to do do do that, though it's still a rather new conclusion for me. Revelation, actually.
I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds. But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away. I don't need them now.Yes, have them, name them, sort them, give them space inside your intenal world to inhabit, and more space opens up for shiny new things, IME: )
I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.
Will update tomorrow! Thank you :) ((((Tupp)))) x
-
Hi Twoapenny,
I can also relate a little to you about your son. My only brother was born with cerebral palsy, leaving him not able to walk or talk about 3 to 6 months physically. Of course my NM ran away from the situation going to work and leaving him with her 65 year old mother at the time. I was born 3 years later into this dysfunctional situation of a mother who didn't want to be involved with her sons condition. When I was six he was nine he started taking convulsions....you can just imagine a elderly woman trying to handle that. When you mention wheelchair I used to put my brother in his wheel chair and hop on the back of it and ride it up and down the sidewalk.
Amazing how a innocent child was left to such poor care at home by his own mother. My grandmother at age 75 fell and broke her hip carrying him into the yard. I think maybe he weighed around 60 or 70 lbs....I have no idea how much he was. So until my grandmother could be left alone my mother stayed home. But it really didn't matter she was home.....she was never a loving mother.
But I am thinking of you and you caring for your son daily ?? That is a big order of the day for you and your life.....
Your a loving mother trying to do the right thing by your son.....but also you need to be good to yourself.....
Its not a easy situation at all......and very demanding one ......
I don't know your situation....but I am here for you anytime.......Bettyanne xoxo
Thank you, BettyAnne. Sorry to read of your brother's difficulties, what happened once your grandma couldn't care for him any longer? Selfish parents and disabled children just don't mix (selfish parents and children without disabilities aren't a good combination either but having a child that can't adjust if they're neglected emotionally or physically is just way out of the sphere of an N parent, I feel). My mum spent years making false allegations about my son (claiming his disabilities were the result of abuse that I inflicted on him). I have wondered if she just couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention and had to put the limelight back on her in some way. It was funny that she has been so critical of the way in which myself and my sister parent (ie by loving our kids and putting them first) and yet she has always refused to even begin to tolerate the idea that our childhood was anything less than perfect. Odd situation. Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated. My boy is doing pretty well at the moment so things are moving along well, and the weather has perked up which just makes everything easier :)
-
Thank you so much, Hops and Lighter, for your supportive and helpful messages. I am very honoured and thankful to have all of you here and to have this place of safety to write down my thoughts (and to receive all the helpful suggestions - I am doing up a sort of resource book to look into more things as I get the chance to).
Soooo - Day 1 of healing! Some things I have been aware of for a long time and have tried to change before but I've not fallen completely in the new habit. I woke up this morning feeling groggy and lacking in energy and immediately started berating myself - I should be up, do yoga, go for a run, the house should be spotless, I should have all my son's school stuff ready - and so on and so on. So Lesson 1 was to dump the negative self talk, abandon the lists, stop the endless cartwheeling of needing to be super woman to avoid criticism and so on. So I took my time, did my yoga, meditated for a while and then decided what I needed to do most today (from a healing point of view) was to clean and tidy the flat). Good for you! Just noticing the SHOULDs, and naming them.... acknowledging them is powerful, IME.
I would love to have three oasis of calm - my flat, my garden and our campervan. Three bolt holes to suit any occasion and my feeling today was to make the flat clean and comfortable. I left my son to his own devices (he was delighted) and started cleaning and tidying up (and cooking so that there's plenty of ready made food in the freezer).Yes yes yest to mommy food in the fridge and freezer. I cooked a ham, and a pork butt on Saturday filling the house with lovely smells, and comfort food. New potatoes and green beans with the pork butt were just right.
I was happy and feeling pleased with my easy going progress when the phone rang, and the lady from the Child Support Agency (who sort out payments my son's father makes; I wrote a little while ago that he's been chatting to my MUM and was trying to contact me).
He has decided to contest paternity and wants my son to take a DNA test. I was absolutely horrified and just disgusted. There's absolutely no way he isn't the father and he knows that as well as I do so quite what he is up to I don't know, but I literally couldn't speak. I started to freak out a little bit and then thought no, this is lesson number 2 - toxic people from the past still trying to cause hurt and upset (and has my mum planted this little seed in his head? Again, all I can think of in relation to her is suspicion and this is not how I want to live my life). So my feeling was to refuse and to cut him out completely and just get rid of that tie. But of course, it isn't only my decision so I had to talk things through with my son and he was adamant that he is not having any kind of testing done and said he didn't want to hear any more about it. I know that shot of adrenaline with people do bad and shocking things without concern for our children. I hope you can stop the spiral, pay attention to what feelings come up, and just sit with them till they're diminished or banished. I'm not really shocked bio d is doing this.... just sad that it seems to have no end. And it will end, Tupp. Just know that. /color]
So those were lessons 3 and 4 - my son is old enough to be included in decisions now and I don't have to do it all on my own and, best of all, he does not seem to have the people pleaser tendency that I have always struggled with! He was very calm about the whole thing, voiced his opinon very clearly and then just got on with what he was doing. Go him :) Yay yay, Tupp. I was going to say you can resist jumping through hoops and disproving negatives... we don't always have to do do do that, though it's still a rather new conclusion for me. Revelation, actually.
I have felt a bit frazzled for the rest of the day and I would be lying if I said it hasn't openend up some old hurts and wounds. But that's good, lets get them out into the open, air them, sort through them and then give them away. I don't need them now.Yes, have them, name them, sort them, give them space inside your intenal world to inhabit, and more space opens up for shiny new things, IME: )
I do feel tired but that's also okay; my son will go off to bed soon and I can stretch out on the sofa and watch a film or something on TV and hopefully get a good night's sleep.
Will update tomorrow! Thank you :) ((((Tupp)))) x
Thank you, Lighter :) Much appreciated, as always :)
The week took on a funny life of its own. The computer died so no internet access at home. Everything took a lot longer to do because I had to do things in the real world instead of online, lol, so a simple money transfer that usually takes me less than five minutes took over an hour and there were a lot more things like that. I also found out that the doctor we saw in January hasn't made any of the other referrals he was supposed to, so we are still no further forward with things like the wheelchair, ruling out scary conditions and getting the information we need to start the process of getting my son into a specialist school or managing his transition from child to adult disability benefits for his next birthday. Everything takes months and months so I really needed it to be done, he said he would do it and the arse hasn't. Another appointment with another doctor had to be postponed because there's nothing much he can do without the other appointments having happened so I went through that thing of not knowing whether I was angry or upset, really. I find the callous way professionals can just not do something, even though they know the effect on the child is detrimental, very difficult to stomach and that along with bio dad playing his little stunt and I just wanted to scoop my boy up and run away to a place where no-one can find him. Anyway, that wasn't a possibility so I have just focused on trying to give myself an easier time. I let myself feel angry instead of thinking I shouldn't and we ended up going to the pub in the village for lunch for the first time. I've wanted to go in there but felt nervous about it, but the anger made me realise that when I feel angry I don't feel my usual lack of confidence so I put my brightest, most sparkly clothes on and off we went. It was really lovely, very nice people, nice food and will definitely become a place I cultivate in the future.
I've done a bit more work on the flat; it's all part done at the moment so it feels a bit like I've bitten off more than I can chew at times but I can see it all coming together and it's exciting. I picked up a beautiful lamp in the charity shop for my bedroom and it's made such a big difference to the way I feel when I go to bed.
The weather has been lovely so we've had some nice walks; even the dogs around here are friendly! We have a nice interaction every time we go out, either with our neighbours or with people we bump into as we're walking. The girl in the local grocery shop is so lovely and friendly that I feel like I'm being welcomed by family when I go in there (not my own family, obviously :) ). I have got an awful lot to be grateful and thankful for at the moment and I am really relishing and enjoying it. My son's health is pretty good at the minute so I'm making the most of being able to get out more. Things are generally going well :)
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Just writing this down before I forget, but I feel good! Something inside just feels stronger and more connected; I don't really know how to describe it but it feels nice :) The subtle, low level anxiety that is always present just doesn't seem to be there at the moment. I'm assuming that the yoga and meditation are helping with that. There's a workman coming out this morning to change the electric meter and usually I'd be freaking because the flat isn't tidy and I'm not dressed yet but instead I'm enjoying my tea and writing on the forum :)
The weather here is lovely at the moment and I do think that plays a big part for me. Sunlight just makes a big difference and being able to go out in a T shirt and flip flops is lovely. We had a day out with friends yesterday - seeing them was lovely but the theme park we went to was awful. I calmly made a complaint by email when we got home last night but it hasn't left me with the sense of failure I usually have if a day out doesn't go to plan. We've got a quiet day at home today, and then days out tomorrow and Friday (to places we've been to before so it should all go a lot better). All in all things are going well.
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Tupp:
Finding serenity in the midst of chaos...... chaos that would usually send us spinning..... it's HUGE, IME. I do think paying attention to your internal world is helping.... I do. I'm trying to figure out how to download the Netflix video Inn Saei so everyone can see it.... ahhh now my phone won't sinc. Always something.
So many connections, so many things our brains DO that are blocked, can be unblocked.... I see something new every time I watch the same information over and over..... why some of us are capable of self reflection and some of us are devastated by our deficits when we become aware of them.... one side of our brain can DO that... the other sees the deficit as BELONGING TO SOMEONE ELSE! I'm talking specifically about something people can SEE... a limb that no longer functions.... their OWN limb in front of them..... what about personality traits that tear their lives apart? THIS is part of the solution. So many parts.
About you feeling better, Tupp..... that's wonderful to read. It's also something that will come and go, but trust it will come back. Really focus on what you're doing that works, and pay attention to what's going on for you. It comes back, and at some point it stays if we're consistent, and attentive. We can be that, Tupp: )
::nodding::
I'm sorry the doctor didn't make the referrals and do his job.
I'm hoping he now goes above and beyond in effort, humility and care to make up for it. I'm praying some good comes to you and your son, bc of the wait, and timing of events. This has happened for me in different ways.... someone traveling slowly in front of me in a car, then I just miss a deer bc I was traveling at that speed.... getting a huge point of purchase job after the buyer stole the first idea I pitched.... he gave the job to his buddy, who botched it badly. The buyer admitted it, then referred me to the woman who replaced him in his job, and she gave me banners, and large displays to produce. It was a wonderful account.
Things are going to be OK, (((Tupp and son))) Remember to breath... full deep breaths, and to keep your head where your feet are; )
Lighter
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Thanks, Lighter :) It is amazing how you can change things, although what I realise looking back is that sometimes I didn't realise I was changing, if that makes sense? But thank goodness there are aspects of ourselves that we can do something about (even if it's just accepting that 'bit' and not worrying about it anymore).
I did boundary practise today! My sister wanted to talk about her ex (again!). I did realise that I tend to let other people steer the conversations so I talked about myself without waiting to be asked and managed to make the conversation more of a two way thing. Maybe other people expect you to jump in and volunteer information rather than thinking to ask you? It hadn't really occurred to me before that different people might have different ways of talking like that.
I've been working on my son's room and it looks amazing :) I bought him a huge shelving unit for his Lego collection. I've painted it, got it put together and filled it with Lego today. That freed up his old shelving unit which is now in my room, and the shelving I was using can go out to the shed for the paint and DIY stuff to go on. We've got a day out planned tomorrow which he is really excited about.
My sister keeps posting a lot of anti-paedophile/sex offender stuff on Facebook. She and I have never really talked about the sexual abuse and I don't know if he abused her as well or not. She lets her daughter spend time at my mum and step-dad's house. She might have blocked it out/think it wouldn't happen again/feel that if my mum's there it would be okay. She might not believe he abused me.
Not sure whether to bring it up or not. It might be her way of showing she wants to talk about what happened to her. It might be more of my usual family head in the sand, let's pretend that never happened stuff.
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That's a huge (and urgent, for your niece) question, Tupp.
Can you make an appt to talk it over with your T?
love,
Hops
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That's a huge (and urgent, for your niece) question, Tupp.
Can you make an appt to talk it over with your T?
love,
Hops
I know, it's a horrible one. I can't really see T at the minute as I've not been able to arrange any care for my son yet (the wheels turn slowly here!). Added to which, given that I've already reported him to social services, the police and brought it up with every other person in authority I've ever spoken to and none of them believed me I don't even know who or where to go to should that be necessary. For what it's worth, it doesn't seem that she spends any time alone with him or at the house I (I think it tends to be more that they all meet up for lunch with the kids' dad). But yes, it's a horrible one, I know I wouldn't let him near my daughter. I did let my son go round there when he was little which I regret now, but back then I doubted the validity of my own feelings and memories (which makes me wonder if the same happens to my sister). On the flip side it might not be an issue at all (he might not have the opportunity/might not have done it since I 'outed' him/he might be to ill). I think I might find a way to raise it with my sister, maybe something about what went on with me and gauge her reaction and take it from there?
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We had a really good day out with some friends yesterday and I noticed that my usual anxiety and worry about 'what other people think' wasn't there. That was good.
I also thought more about my sister and I feel she is in a place that I used to occupy - denying her own needs to keep others happy, no boundaries, working herself into the ground whilst others get to sit and relax, the sense of denial around the sexual abuse. I know that someone trying to force me to see that would never have worked - it took me forever to get to a point where I really understood where I was and could take steps to change it. I also find it quite difficult to talk to her sometimes, as it feels a bit like I'm talking to my younger self. I find I get a bit resentful that people come to me when they want to talk things through, as I had to pay someone to listen to my problems! I feel a bit like I've done all the work so that other people don't have to. I'm trying not to draw any conclusions from this at the moment as I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. I do think it would be easy for me to fall back into my former big sister role, but I don't feel that I want to. Just leaving that hanging at the moment.
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My sister's Facebook posts are starting to freak me out, there's loads about child sex offenders and how they should be castrated etc. I'm wondering whether I should text her or something, I think I'm just going to leave it in the back of my mind and see if 'something' tells me what to do. I don't know if it's a cry for help or my family's trait of throwing stones in glass houses. If it's a cry for help I'm not entirely sure I want to be the one to help her either? Which I know sounds selfish but I feel like I'm just starting to get my life feeling like something other than an endurance test. I think I'll leave it for now and see how it settles in my mind. Also thinking either she believes my step-dad abused me but still lets her daughter near him or she thinks I'm making it up, which then changes things in my mind about our situation. Am switching of the computer for a bit; I think some real life distraction is needed.
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I can imagine the whole situation is gnawing at you, Tupp. How painful.
And I can understand how hesitant you are to plunge into an attempt to either rescue your niece or confront your sister. She is doing that process-things-on-the-internet thing but it does sound as though she is waving flags. I dunno if they're red flags or messages to the universe or expressions of anger or appeals for help. Sounds like you're trying to figure that out.
If she's escalating posts that refer to sexual abuse, I wonder if that means she's actually coming out of denial about the family's past, or whether your niece has had something happen with your stepfather. I mean, as you do, I wonder if there's a real-world, present trigger for all this.
Sister is not a static being any more than you are, so maybe if you did talk with her, you could make it more about listening and being present in a way that allows her to open up and share what's on her mind? You could just say, "I know I can't fix anything for you or Niece. But if you need to talk..."
I guess it's Niece, more than anyone, who may need to be heard. I hope if she needs protection it happens proactively rather than in hindsight. I hope her mother is listening or if not, that some adult she trusts will.
Fingers crossed you'll soon find a way to see your T, regardless. It'll be good to have that safe space and safe person established during good times, to create resilience for the not so good things that come around.
Happy Spring, Tupp...garden within and without!
love,
Hops
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I can imagine the whole situation is gnawing at you, Tupp. How painful.
And I can understand how hesitant you are to plunge into an attempt to either rescue your niece or confront your sister. She is doing that process-things-on-the-internet thing but it does sound as though she is waving flags. I dunno if they're red flags or messages to the universe or expressions of anger or appeals for help. Sounds like you're trying to figure that out.
If she's escalating posts that refer to sexual abuse, I wonder if that means she's actually coming out of denial about the family's past, or whether your niece has had something happen with your stepfather. I mean, as you do, I wonder if there's a real-world, present trigger for all this.
Sister is not a static being any more than you are, so maybe if you did talk with her, you could make it more about listening and being present in a way that allows her to open up and share what's on her mind? You could just say, "I know I can't fix anything for you or Niece. But if you need to talk..."
I guess it's Niece, more than anyone, who may need to be heard. I hope if she needs protection it happens proactively rather than in hindsight. I hope her mother is listening or if not, that some adult she trusts will.
Fingers crossed you'll soon find a way to see your T, regardless. It'll be good to have that safe space and safe person established during good times, to create resilience for the not so good things that come around.
Happy Spring, Tupp...garden within and without!
love,
Hops
Happy Spring to you, too, Hops! Do you do Easter in the States? I don't celebrate myself but I do enjoy the four day holiday :)
Yes, it is hard to work out what's best to do, not only because I'm aware my own feelings can become clouded in situations like this. Her daughter's coming up to the age I was when he started abusing me - maybe the age my sister was as well? Maybe it's starting to trigger stuff. Maybe she just randomly clicks on posts and shares them as many do on Facebook. I think I might try and sound her out about it a bit without being too obvious. Thanks for your reply and wise words, Hopsie, I do appreciate it xx
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I'm glad you'll try sounding her out, Tupp. That way you're injecting a positive intention and that's a good.
I have always loved Easter mostly for its pagan joys, and the beauty of the season. But since I lost my D (5 years of silence now) it's too painful to attend church that day. So many memories of being there with her, little girls with their families...all of that.
But I still recognize the joy of rebirth and renewal and new life, and all the wonderful symbolism around the day. I'd probably happily attend an Easter Egg hunt elsewhere, just not in my home sanctuary for now anyway.
I love watching kids be happy. (Loved your description of your son laughing, for example. Big smile here!)
love
Hops
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I'm glad you'll try sounding her out, Tupp. That way you're injecting a positive intention and that's a good.
I have always loved Easter mostly for its pagan joys, and the beauty of the season. But since I lost my D (5 years of silence now) it's too painful to attend church that day. So many memories of being there with her, little girls with their families...all of that.
But I still recognize the joy of rebirth and renewal and new life, and all the wonderful symbolism around the day. I'd probably happily attend an Easter Egg hunt elsewhere, just not in my home sanctuary for now anyway.
I love watching kids be happy. (Loved your description of your son laughing, for example. Big smile here!)
love
Hops
Yes I'm quite similar, Hops, I love all the newness at this time of year, the trees are dripping with blossom, there are flowers coming out everywhere and people are just more cheerful because they're not trudging through the wind and the rain all day. I love seeing happy kids as well (my own has just got some new Lego so he is very happy, lol, a friend wanted to by him Easter Eggs but his epilepsy medication has made him put on a bit of weight so I'm limiting treats at the moment so she very kindly gave him money instead, which he spent immediately). I'm sorry there is no word from your D.
I have mentioned to my sis about the posts (in a reply to a text message she sent me earlier) and I've not heard anything back. I do find dealing with my family quite stressful, even in this context, because I know how crazy they can all get. I have been thinking to myself that kids are more switched on than they used to be and have their own phones and so on, plus there is more taught in schools now about sexual abuse and that sort of thing. So I'm hoping that 'if' something did/has happened that my niece would feel able to tell someone at school, or a friend's mum, or contact me via Facebook or something. I'm also hoping the fact that I did eventually tell and that I haven't stopped telling since might mean he'll have kept himself to himself. Or even that he's just too old now; apparently his health isn't good. It's difficult, you can worry to the nth degree but also do more harm than good by storming in. Hard to know where to draw the line. Anyway, thank you for the wisdom and the support, Hops, I do appreciate it, enjoy your Spring/Easter break xx
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She texted back after a couple of hours and just avoided the issue really, saying something had happened locally (not involving them). It's raised quite a lot for me and I feel pretty shitty now, the whole 'family' thing becomes an issue again; either she's in denial about my abuse or she doesn't believe it happened, it's impossible to have a direct, honest conversation about any of it because they just don't do that, everything stays superficial and chit chatty and I find myself wondering how much of what I want from people do I put to one side - I ignore the racist Facebook posts and the support for racist organisations, I tolerate the lack of effort on their part to visit, the lack of effort put in for us when we visit them, the way mum is given priority over me for visits despite the fact she treats them all like dirt and then I get angry that all this family nonsense is in my head again when I can just ignore them all and fill my head with nice things and nice people. I am going to bed, lol, and I think I might stay there for the rest of the weekend x
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Well, you waded into a very unpleasant current unselfishly, Tupp, and learned what you needed to know. Your niece is okay. Whew. And bless you for enduring the discomfort of that communication in order to find out.
I'm sorry it brought up all those toxic spiderweb feelings for you. Same time, New Tupp is able to shake it off, refuse to let it seep in like an oily gas to spoil her OWN space and OWN Easter weekend. Trust her!
You don't have to keep up the contact, you really don't.
What can you do to remind yourself you know how to set boundaries? And how to reclaim your serenity and pleasure in the present?
Whatever that is, sending you hugs and hopes you'll re-anchor in the sweet, springtime, blooming, beautiful now. With all the New Life messages it gives.
hugs,
Hops
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Well.... I had a day of running kids around, and missed this exchange, Tupp. One minute you were happily awaiting the weekend's start, and the next you were heading for bed with the intention to stay till the weekend's over.
I'm wondering how it would feel to give yourself permission to take a break from all contact with your FOO...... whatever that looks like, for an unlimited time frame. Just let it go, and feel OK about not taking calls, or responding to Facebook stuff, etc. Stop reading Facebook.... everything. All contact.
If you do that... what does it feel like?
I've decided not to attend something I committed to.... for reasons having nothing to do with me, and it FEELS bad/wrong/disloyal, but I'm just going to have to let it go, and have that be OK too. It's not FOO stuff, but it's bothering me.
That we're both wobbly about contact with others...... is....... probably a good thing as far as being even more mindful about it. I'm able to look at it from other perspectives, and not just from the one critical one inside my head when I'm looking at myself.
What is Tupp's obligation? What should Tupp be able to do for herself, and her own care?
I'm answering that question for myself, when I answer it honestly on your behalf... in my head.
I don't think you have to continue having contact with anyone in your family if they're marginalizing you, and disrespecting your time. You're valuable, and you deserve to advocate for yourself.... to expect care, and consideration.
You going back for more of the same.... feels wrong to me. A break doesn't have to be forever. A break can give you distance that leads to clarity.
I so hate that you stood up for yourself with regard to your SF, and everyone who could be harmed again by him. That you stood up, and were left hanging in the breeze by everyone.... every single person who could have and should have backed you..... they all chose your SF and your mum, Tupp, IMO. They chose to support the ones harming, and lying, and that's not acceptable, IME.
You deserved so much more. You don't always feel it bc they raised you to feel your needs aren't important, but they are, and you have the chance to put yourself first. To meet your own needs. You aren't obligated to give your FOO more chances to miss the mark, IME. You've been doing it for years... you have.... dear, consistent, loyal Tupp.
They aren't able to honor you... not the way you deserve, and may eventually require for yourself, IME.
I say consider taking a complete break from them to see how it feels. You've done your time, given your best, and tried to help those who could be helped. You've met your obligations..... extended yourself.....
You can choose to give everything you have to yourself now, Tupp..... if you want.
Lighter
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Hi Lighter,
Well you read my mind! Yes, yesterday was a funny day, I was in a really great place yesterday morning and felt really content and by bedtime I was ready to slap someone, lol.
I'll be staying off Facebook for now; I'm not a massive user anyway and my sister's feed is usually pics of the kids and what they're up to which is what I love seeing (and is also why I got the willies when the snaps of the kids turned into endless posts about paedophiles and sex offenders) and I'm not making a massive effort re contact anymore. I will keep in touch via text (casual) and do birthdays etc but I feel more and more now that people are like food - you really need good, nutritious people who will feed your heart and your soul and make you feel good without taking endless amounts from you, and not the human version of burger and chips that ends up doing you more harm than good. So I'll be arranging get togethers with good people over the next few weeks and focusing on that, this will all pass pretty quickly.
And I hate that I stood up to that piece of **** and everyone else took his side and left me hanging but ................ I've always had this thing about being able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did my best and really mean it, and I feel I have where SF is concerned. I raised the alarm, I alerted the authorities, I told the whole family (and anyone else that would listen) and realistically there's nothing more I could have done, or can do now. Best of all, I have gone on and lived my life the best that I can and worked on myself to strive to be the best person I can manage to be and I'm proud of that, and proud to be able to tell my son that. So bollocks to all of them and I think no-one had better annoy me today or they'll be getting a mouthful lol x
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Well, you waded into a very unpleasant current unselfishly, Tupp, and learned what you needed to know. Your niece is okay. Whew. And bless you for enduring the discomfort of that communication in order to find out.
I'm sorry it brought up all those toxic spiderweb feelings for you. Same time, New Tupp is able to shake it off, refuse to let it seep in like an oily gas to spoil her OWN space and OWN Easter weekend. Trust her!
You don't have to keep up the contact, you really don't.
What can you do to remind yourself you know how to set boundaries? And how to reclaim your serenity and pleasure in the present?
Whatever that is, sending you hugs and hopes you'll re-anchor in the sweet, springtime, blooming, beautiful now. With all the New Life messages it gives.
hugs,
Hops
Hopsie, thank you for your spring time support, it helped so much :) I've had a good night's sleep (with my meditation music on) and serenity will be resumed! There are pottering about jobs to do at home, we can go out for a nice walk, I stocked the fridge and freezer yesterday so lots of nice meals and I might go mad and bake a cake :) Normal service has been resumed.
Will your pooch go Easter Egg hunting with you or would he scoff all the Easter Eggs? x
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Bravo!
Well, she would happily knock aside toddlers like bowling pins to EAT the Easter Eggs... :lol:
She was starved before she was rescued so she's very food focused. I have to put a big steel ball in the middle of her bowl to slow her or she chokes. She's done so well though. She's healthy, happy and the darling of downtown. Watching her transform from a broken dog into this prancing little goof who attracts pats and smiles like a super-magnet has been a joy.
I love walking downtown with her (our "downtown" is an all-pedestrian, practically-all-cafes wonderful magical brick mall, with boutiques and galleries and spots to eat or drink tea in the shade of huge trees down the center...with fairy lights, and buskers, and a huge stone fountain halfway down). It's a very dog-friendly place; the restaurants all put out water bowls.
Anyway, it's close, and one of my fav places to walk with her, because I get tired of going solo in the neighborhood. This way, I get my people-watching fix, and she gets lots of new feet and fur to sniff (and the great thing about cafe tables is that under them are CRUMBS). Every time I go there with her I have new contact with a stranger because she's got one of Those Faces. People can't resist her.
I tried to post a pic of her on Lighter's TTMMH thread but can't figure out the attachment. Ah well.
Happy day
Hops
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Aw Hops that sounds lovely! What a nice place to live! A nice, friendly neighbourhood makes such a big difference, especially when you want to be around people a bit without actually making any arrangements. I love people watching. Dogs are such great conversation starters, there's nothing nicer than a friendly dog wanting you to make a bit of a fuss of them :) I love the idea of her knocking the kids over to get to the Easter Eggs :) Lovely to hear that she's changed so much, it's amazing what love can do :) x
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Just one more thought on your recent incident:
And I hate that I stood up to that piece of **** and everyone else took his side and left me hanging but ................ I've always had this thing about being able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did my best and really mean it, and I feel I have where SF is concerned.
Hating that everyone left you hanging, hear hear. So many families are cowards. And, because of sexist culture over time, so many dependent females are afraid to give up their support or their mate status, having not had the opportunity or the courage (or neither) to create their own status and support.
But the BIG takeaways are:
You stood up to that piece of shit!
You really did do your best. (At a measure many people can't meet.)
You honored yourself AND your son. Your best was beyond good enough.
The others' decisions are their own karma. But you did so well. THAT'S what will last of this, in your lifetime. You stood up. For simple truth and for yourself. And it made all the difference.
The courage and integrity that took is part of you and will always be.
Big, beautiful truth.
hugs
Hops
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Yes yes yes.....
Tupp you did your best.....
all you could do, and that's more than enough.
Hops, I loved the description of your downtown, and how you and your pooch feel at home there.
Tupp..... wherever you got the idea to think of people as food..... some more nutritious than others.....
brilliant.
Often I write a long post, then slap my forehead bc all the talk talk talking and finger waving in people's faces likely does more harm than good. It's the examples, visuals, and stories that land in the brain, and reach target, IME.
Lighter
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Just one more thought on your recent incident:
And I hate that I stood up to that piece of **** and everyone else took his side and left me hanging but ................ I've always had this thing about being able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did my best and really mean it, and I feel I have where SF is concerned.
Hating that everyone left you hanging, hear hear. So many families are cowards. And, because of sexist culture over time, so many dependent females are afraid to give up their support or their mate status, having not had the opportunity or the courage (or neither) to create their own status and support.
But the BIG takeaways are:
You stood up to that piece of shit!
You really did do your best. (At a measure many people can't meet.)
You honored yourself AND your son. Your best was beyond good enough.
The others' decisions are their own karma. But you did so well. THAT'S what will last of this, in your lifetime. You stood up. For simple truth and for yourself. And it made all the difference.
The courage and integrity that took is part of you and will always be.
Big, beautiful truth.
hugs
Hops
Thank you, Hops, you've hit the nail on the head with the female dependency thing. Every woman in my family revolves her life around her husband, every decision, from what to have for tea to how to raise the kids, where to work and everything in between. They are the centre of the Universe and everyone has to fall into line around them. I don't know why I'm not like that?! I've sort of gone the opposite way, no man at all for so many years!
We saw a really cute dog when we were out and it made me think of your earlier post, lol. It was nice and sunny and she was sitting in the hottest spot she could find, as they do, and just endlessly wagging her tail. You know when they look like they're smiling? That was her, she just looked really happy. Very cute :)
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Yes yes yes.....
Tupp you did your best.....
all you could do, and that's more than enough.
Hops, I loved the description of your downtown, and how you and your pooch feel at home there.
Tupp..... wherever you got the idea to think of people as food..... some more nutritious than others.....
brilliant.
Often I write a long post, then slap my forehead bc all the talk talk talking and finger waving in people's faces likely does more harm than good. It's the examples, visuals, and stories that land in the brain, and reach target, IME.
Lighter
Food seems to be such a big thing with me, I've eaten loads of rubbish this weekend because people have made me feel rubbish and now I'm wishing I'd stuck to my healthy salads and not let myself fall off the wagon. Back on it tomorrow! I've also discovered that you can block certain bits from other people's newsfeeds on Facebook so I've done that and was rewarded with some nice pictures of the kids and no paedophile hunter stuff. Your posts are always ace, Lighter, long or short, there's always so much in them to take away and put to good use x
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I've been focusing my yoga and mediation around chakras. Quite new to me and I've been enjoying the reading and finding out new things.
The thing with my sister really blindsided me this weekend. It seemed to come out of nowhere and it really threw me off course. I was thinking about it and wondering why it suddenly seemed a big deal and why my reactions to it were old, unhealthy habits - junk food, too much coffee, rubbish on the television.
I was looking for some yoga to do this morning and found one that works on the heart chakra, which is linked to forgiveness. The instructor talks about letting go off wrongs that have been done to you and accepting that other people make mistakes (and that we do, too).
Forgiveness has always been a difficult one for me, and I realised that part of the problem I have is that I feel that if I let go of the hurt or the anger and resentment (or the sadness) then I sort of let my barriers down and then I can get hurt again (and I don't like that!). So I've been wondering if this is what my 'lesson' is - learning to trust in letting those barriers down and seeing what happens. I find it a bit scary to be honest. I do feel that I've forgiven my sister for the shitty things she did in the past but I think where I struggle is with other people's lack of awareness of themselves - she's aware of the shitty things she's done but they don't seem to have changed her outlook or approach to life (other than making her more racist, I think). Maybe that's what I need to focus on, the fact that I'm working to change myself and that that means other people don't fit into your life any more. I think I've always felt I need a reason not to be around someone anymore as well, or like I owe them if they've been nice to me or done me a favour in some way. I think I need to think about that a bit more over the next few days x
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I understand why it got to you and stirred things up, Tupp. Still think you've managed to ride it through really well. Got a couple mouthfuls of saltwater and knocked off your surfboard by a dolphin who wasn't paying attention, but you climbed back on. You're still riding. So impressed by you.
I had a little wave to figure out too. First half of yesterday was just wonderful. Weather's ridiculously gorgeous and for a change, I woke well rested, functioned a LOT for me (getting things done), had a great walk and friend meet, etc. Later in the day I found myself obsessively reading about loss, drinking one drink more than I'd intended, and actually signed up for Twitter and for the first time in oh, about 6-8 months, looked again at my D's Twitter (to find I'm blocked). Haven't looked for AGES and have been feeling very healthy about that.
Then, duh, made the connection more consciously. Easter was a happy, lovely special Sunday when she was little. I did Easter baskets, we ate with her grandparents, she looked adorable, she cuddled up to me in the pew, the music is glorious, etc. It was just a time full of love and warmth and light. One time she came back to our little house on Easter Sunday afternoon (she'd spent the weekend at her Dad's) and as she came up the walk she was complaining about how they didn't really do much for Easter at his house, and I put my arm around her and expressed sympathy: Kind of a bummer, huh? No basket or egg hunt or anything? She wandered mournfully into the house and into her room and just screamed in joy, MOOOOOOOOOM! at the top of her lungs.
While she'd been away I had spent days: sanding and hand-painting an adorable new bed with vines, flowers, baby bunnies and squirrels with her initials on the headboard, building/assembling her a gorgeous new desk with a big shelving system on top of it, and I'd put a big Easter basket, card, and fat vase of daffodils on the desk. (She'd chosen daffodil-yellow for her room's walls, too, so the whole thing was a bit blinding! :lol:)
That was such a happy day for me as a mother, bringing her that surprise and seeing her joy.
So once I made the full connection, I realized why I overate and overdrank yesterday, forgave myself. And now I'm fine again. Well, still minus my child, but also...I am well. Sending her silent love and blessing, but unhooked from expecting it will be different.
I can have hope in a philosophical way, but not in a personal way. No expectations keeps me sane.
And I am well.
Hope you are today also, Tupp. And will find happiness in this day regardless of biofamily triggers. I remember that old Stephen Stills song: If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.
Pooch and friends will be my family today. I'm going to a potluck that a single woman with a big friend-family holds every year. Making carrot-leek-kerfir-cilantro soup. Better hustle!
Love to you,
Hops
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I'm kind of glad Easter's over.
Lighter
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(((((Lighter))))).
I get it.
hug,
Hops
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I understand why it got to you and stirred things up, Tupp. Still think you've managed to ride it through really well. Got a couple mouthfuls of saltwater and knocked off your surfboard by a dolphin who wasn't paying attention, but you climbed back on. You're still riding. So impressed by you.
I had a little wave to figure out too. First half of yesterday was just wonderful. Weather's ridiculously gorgeous and for a change, I woke well rested, functioned a LOT for me (getting things done), had a great walk and friend meet, etc. Later in the day I found myself obsessively reading about loss, drinking one drink more than I'd intended, and actually signed up for Twitter and for the first time in oh, about 6-8 months, looked again at my D's Twitter (to find I'm blocked). Haven't looked for AGES and have been feeling very healthy about that.
Then, duh, made the connection more consciously. Easter was a happy, lovely special Sunday when she was little. I did Easter baskets, we ate with her grandparents, she looked adorable, she cuddled up to me in the pew, the music is glorious, etc. It was just a time full of love and warmth and light. One time she came back to our little house on Easter Sunday afternoon (she'd spent the weekend at her Dad's) and as she came up the walk she was complaining about how they didn't really do much for Easter at his house, and I put my arm around her and expressed sympathy: Kind of a bummer, huh? No basket or egg hunt or anything? She wandered mournfully into the house and into her room and just screamed in joy, MOOOOOOOOOM! at the top of her lungs.
While she'd been away I had spent days: sanding and hand-painting an adorable new bed with vines, flowers, baby bunnies and squirrels with her initials on the headboard, building/assembling her a gorgeous new desk with a big shelving system on top of it, and I'd put a big Easter basket, card, and fat vase of daffodils on the desk. (She'd chosen daffodil-yellow for her room's walls, too, so the whole thing was a bit blinding! :lol:)
That was such a happy day for me as a mother, bringing her that surprise and seeing her joy.
So once I made the full connection, I realized why I overate and overdrank yesterday, forgave myself. And now I'm fine again. Well, still minus my child, but also...I am well. Sending her silent love and blessing, but unhooked from expecting it will be different.
I can have hope in a philosophical way, but not in a personal way. No expectations keeps me sane.
And I am well.
Hope you are today also, Tupp. And will find happiness in this day regardless of biofamily triggers. I remember that old Stephen Stills song: If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with.
Pooch and friends will be my family today. I'm going to a potluck that a single woman with a big friend-family holds every year. Making carrot-leek-kerfir-cilantro soup. Better hustle!
Love to you,
Hops
Oh Hops your girl's bedroom! I was so jealous of other kids' bedrooms when I was a child. I can't imagine how excited I would have been to come home and find my room transformed like that. Making your child happy is the best feeling in the world. It sounds so lovely (and such a labour of love). And being allowed to choose the paint! Even though you'd need shades to walk in there ;) I hope one day that those lovely memories you have have kind of take precedence in her mind and supersede whatever else it is that is going on there these days. She was very lucky to have you, even if she doesn't realise that herself at the moment. And yes, I can completely understand the overeating/over drinking, I've done it all weekend. It's partly just there being chocolate around but some of it is also wanting to block things out. I've always found routine really helpful and these public holidays disrupt that for me, and that makes me struggle a bit, too, not massively, but it means I always have a long to do list on the first day back because I've had three or four days of not being able to get things done. I will feel a lot more like myself again by midday tomorrow, I think. I like the analogy of being knocked off a surfboard by a dolphin! In fact I think I'd quite like that to happen in real life! Lol, not that I can surf, but it's a nice picture in my mind. The soup sounds lovely as well, did it turn out okay?
In other news, we went to a friend's this morning for coffee and I mentioned we were going out tomorrow to buy a lawnmower for our new, very big garden, and she had just bought a new one so she gave us her old one! Fab, has saved me some money and means I have no reason not to cut the grass now. I've arranged to see another friend tomorrow (I've been a bit neglectful of friends since we moved because I'm so much happier in this place I've been quite content to stay at home and get things done). I'm hoping to get the rest of the paint for the flat this week so decorating will be the order of day for a while, I think. And yes, I'm pretty glad Easter is over too :)
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I woke up this morning thinking about the Easter weekend and I realised that there is still a part of me that wants to be 'rescued' over the holidays and included in other people's plans, or just to have people that you automatically spend time with when you have time off.
That got me thinking about what I can do to enjoy the holiday instead of enduring it and hanging on until it's over. I think I need to almost plan a little holiday at home and prepare for it in the same way that I would if I were going away somewhere or having people over. And I think perhaps I need to do that at the weekends as well, so instead of them merging into the week and not feeling any different (apart from feeling like everyone else is out having a nice time!) I think I need to plan some enjoyable activities we can do at home and make an effort to make some special food. I also think I should do some baking and instead of falling into the over eating/ over drinking thing actually plan some treats so that I get the comfort without feeling like I've fallen off the wagon. And maybe I should make the effort to dress up and do my hair, even if we're not going anywhere, so that it just feels a bit special and not like an enforced curfew or something.
Now I've been thinking about food I've made myself feel hungry lol x
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The carrot soup was good! Too spicy for one of the ladies but she's...particular. The rest devoured it.
I doubled the recipe and my kitchen looked like a orange-spewing howitzer had been through.
Had to chop 5 pounds of carrots since I'd mistakenly thought my VitaMix (ancient but powerful blender) could do that...oops. Also 4 enormous leeks you could playe baseball with. And a lot of spices--garlic, cumin, cayenne, etc. Tiny bit of agave. Swirled some of my home-grown kefir on top of each bowl, sprinkled with cilantro and grated lime rind. Epicurious website is where I found the recipe.
Grated a knuckle too.
Felt triumphant. (Always want to hold a press conference when I cook. Alert the media!) It's that rare.
Came home with enough energy to clean up the kitchen and went to bed feeling proud. I actually LIKE domestic stuff but just haven't done much of it since I got the house and moved. Job and D and all that just derailed some of the simplest pleasures in life -- or triggered me to stop enjoying those pleasures. This year, though I worry about my back, I'm planning to garden a LITTLE. (Keeping it small and realistic has always been a challenge, so it winds up a weed-fest.) Bought a used mini-tiller for my landscaper, who's going to pay me back. Or, I won't pay him for a couple visits. Made me happy.
Tonight I go to a b-day dinner (casual restaurant meet) for my longest-term friend over in the valley. Our parents were friends in the '40s in DC after the war so we always joke that we've known each other since conception. Will be a lovely drive over the mountains, about 45 minutes. I'm taking her a jug of the soup and a silly dog-themed card. She's more obsessed with dogs than I am; we can talk about them for hours.
I may have talked about her here. (Can you tell I've taken my ADD med? Leads to loooooooong stories.)
She's a lawyer whose life nearly collapsed under the stress of caregiving. Her Dad had a severe stroke, totally paralysed. The ghastly part was that her Mom was distressed at the thought of "Johnny being hungry" and my friend was in shock so didn't push back over the insertion of a feeding tube. A disastrous decision. Because although you CAN choose to refuse a feeding tube; once it's in, removing it would legally be murder. This man was so physically powerful (and bomber pilot during the war) that he then lived seven years, completely paralysed and speechless and immobile (which he would have loathed) in a hospital bed at home. Her job was here in my town so for all that time she drove back every night (oh, she also had a mentally disabled brother there) to coordinate everything and be night-caregiver. [I did that when I lived in another city four hours away for six months at the end of my Dad's life, which nearly killed me. So I can't fathom how she did this for so many YEARS. I often worried she'd die before her parents did.]
Her mother (I know I told this tale here before...y'all should tell me to quit being senile!) developed dementia. Still at home. Caregiver circus. So...the day Johnny died, they didn't immediately tell Frankie that Johnny was gone. (Yes, real names. Unbelievable.) The next afternoon Frankie went down for her usual nap in her part of the house and never woke up. In the interim, friend had called me to tell me about her Dad, and when his service would be the following weekend. Two days later she had to call back and say, "It's going to be a double service." It was devastating for her. All those years of stress and losing them both at once. Then she continued to live with and care for the Very Difficult brother until he died a few years back.
She's both a dear friend and my hero, in a lot of ways. She's recovered. In the stress of those years she had to give up her law practice, and now works as a legal editor (still in my town). But she enjoys the commute over the mountain for its sheer gorgeousness. And has a new little rescue pooch.
My employer-gent just called me to explain he had diarrhea at 2 a.m. so I must go buy him pills and bananas. TMI? I always have to look up how to spell it.
:lol:
love,
Hops
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I'm so glad you shared all that, Hops. Every word of it. Nice to read you're cooking, and what, and who ate it... honest.
::nodding::
I like domestic stuff too.... but..... finding the zone is sometimes difficult.
Sunday I bought lovely Honey Crisp apples, and made pie.... s. One big beautiful pie, and several smaller ones..... all with crumbles on top.
SO.
Good.
My youngest didn't want to help. Usually she makes lovely lattice pie crusts. She was guarding the remainder of her break jealously..... keeping it all to herself.
::shrug::
So I baked for the joy of solo baking. It was comforting, but.... as I told DD16 on our phone call today..... I really miss Easters with her and her sister from simpler days gone by. She understood.... she said it out loud so I didn't have to. She understands too, Hops.
Tomorrow dd16 goes to the Village program again..... I'm so happy for her to have at least 2 more weeks of magic and ritual before she comes home. I wanted her to take the most difficult parts of our story into that part of her program, and so I talked and talked to her today about our history. The things she never knew, and the things she forgot or blocked. We both felt...... like it needed to happen. I wish I could have held her, or comforted her physically. She has an incredible T to help her through it, and another T guiding her through Village. I feel so blessed to have those supports.
Afterwards it felt like a weight came off my shoulders. I had energy to clean one of the freezers, defrosting a chicken for tomorrow night, and processing the remainder of a pork loin for 2 more meals.... one I cooked before picking dd14 up from school. Baby bok choi with sweet onions, garlic and pork.... salty and perfectly spiced. Last night we had salt and pepper pork with extra jalapenos please. Now we love spicy food together.... all three of us.
Tupp..... the idea that you'll be planning special times for yourself.... regularly..... again... brilliant, IMO. That struck me like a lightening bolt, it did.
::nodding::
Yes: )
I love sharing the board with you guys ((((Tupp and Hops)).
Light
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Yep I love this board as well, a good place to say what you feel or to read what others feel, depending on what suits best :) Feel very lucky to be able to come here :)
The soup sounds lovely, Hops, perhaps the grated knuckle was the winning ingredient? :) Your friend's caring responsibilities - wow. I just couldn't physically manage to do all of that but I think when you're 'in the zone' it just feels normal so people get on with it. To do all that alongside a job as demanding as being a lawyer? And then to lose them all, so tough for her to cope with. She sounds like a good person to know :) And, Lighter, apple pies! Yum yum :)
I've been trying to get back into some sort of routine and get myself moving again but I have noticed that I feel as if my cloak of invisibility is slipping? I don't feel as if I'm hiding as much or such a need to be in control all the time. We went to see a friend yesterday and some other friends were there - usually that freaks me out a little but it felt really easy to chat and see where the afternoon took us. Today I saw the lovely osteopath who put my back into some semblance of order again so it's a little sore from all the manipulation but feels better as well. She's always good to talk to as well, an interesting lady who has a lot of knowledge about all sorts of things (and three mad cats that she always has a funny story about).
And this evening I decided to start posting disability related info on Facebook. I don't usually use it much and when I do it's generally for things that don't attract an opinion but the British Government have called an election and if we don't get the current government out then things for disabled people here will get even worse than they are now. I thought about it and have decided to just post facts, not with a view to trying to sway votes but just to put objective information out there. I've forewarned people so they can switch me off their newsfeed if it isn't the sort of thing they want to read but many reacted positively. I feel like I am speaking up a bit and I've not done that for a very long time. Feels good.
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I am feeling generally in a good place and have had one or two things pondering through my mind which I thought I would share :)
I do find it difficult to combine 'looking after myself' stuff with 'getting on with what needs to be done'. It does feel difficult to find enough hours in the day to do both. I am trying at the moment to make my days 'work related' (ie, doing things that need to be done rather than things I want to do) and then making the evenings and weekends more about doing craft or pottering about in the garden, or reading, just anything that doesn't feel like work really. But it is difficult to find the time to fit it all in and mentally I do struggle if my To Do list isn't shrinking. Having said that I am quite on top of things at the minute and we're kind of bumbling along quite well so that's good.
I am struggling a bit with the current political climate in the UK. Since people voted to leave the EU there has been a real surge in racist crime and with people saying racist things that, generally speaking, they wouldn't have said before. Now that the election has been called, there is again a lot of unpleasantness towards people with disabilities and I do find it upsetting that so many people prefer to accept what the papers tell them instead of doing a bit of their own research and thinking for themselves a bit more. I'm trying to find that balance between feeling that I'm doing what I can to help 'the cause', as it were, and not driving myself mad in the process.
I am also finding that, as my son is getting closer to his 16th birthday, I am feeling that I want to leap to the rooftops and start shouting about all the awful things people have done to him through his life (mostly family). I feel that we're getting to a place where it's safer to speak because my mum won't be able to manipulate the situation the way she has in the past, and I just wondered if anyone else ever got to a point where they wanted to tell the world? I've always felt quite ashamed of what's happened and what my family are like but I'm finding I'm feeling that less and less.
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Hi Tupp:
Sometimes I do want to tell...... and then I remember what kind of bears I'd be poking.
Just telling my children the entire story this week has been gut wrenching for me. Any strong desire I have to tell "everyone"..... always subsides.
I understand it though.
Lighter
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Yes, poking bears, and also encountering people who don't care, or who think it was your fault, or that you should just forgive, etc etc. There's the desire - and then the consequence of the desire. I should keep telling that to myself when I want to eat biscuits!
How did the girls do with finding out all that has gone on? Did they know some of it anyway or were they completely in the dark? Hope you're all doing okay, it's a big tale to get out there into the open x
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Hi Tupp:
The girls knew some things, but were largely in the dark about the negative aspects of the paternal side of the family.... which seems odd, looking back. I didn't tell them bc I was lazer focused on shielding them from it. Children are 50/50 mom and dad in their hearts... I wanted them to feel strong, and whole. I shared only positive information about the paternal side of the family..... there are positive things, and it wasn't easy to focus on them, but it felt like an imperative when the kids were small..... all the way up to present, really.
Two things can be true at the same time.
Sheltering them harmed them and me, certainly, in several ways, but there were no good choices. Telling or not telling. I think we're all shocked together. I have distance now, and perspective I didn't have before. It's a shocking story.
Pulling weeds for 6hours yesterday was walking meditation. I was looking forward to 6 more hours today, but it's raining.... and my back is complaining.
Final analysis.... I'm glad I protected the children, but wish I'd given them a bit more information about the paternal side of the family along the way. It would have felt corrosive, however.... like pouring acid on their souls.
I have to say this about both of my children.... they're very compassionate towards their paternal grandparents.
They're just now able to look at me with as much compassion, IMO. I think I did the best I could at the time.
I think my children believe everyone was doing their best. They understand their Grandparents were operating from a wounded place. My oldest was very effected by paternal grandmother's words against me.... designed to weaponize my child. Some people's understanding of children as weapons...
::shaking head::
leveraging children's emotional and physical safety.....
I won't ever understand.
I'll likely always be triggered, but I have to find some way to make peace with it. My children healing is the beginning of that, IME.
It's been a struggle to not be bitter about it. Esp when the harmful people present themselves as victims or DO terrible things while claiming it's in the interest of the children they're harming.
You know there are people who believe them..... you know those ignorant people don't want the facts. They want to believe the fiction.... maybe their lives would be hell if they dared question it. Maybe they heard a version of the story that provoked a very strong emotional response... Judges, etc...... I don't know. What I do know is that my life is better when I transcend the past, forgive those who do damage, and find a way to be present here and now.
It does come and go.
Lighter
ps It's very difficult to transcend when the nutters continue to do harm, IME.
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It's very difficult to know what to tell, and when, and how, and to also be aware of your own state, whether or not you are being fair/reasonable/objective, too fair, too understanding, and also having to cope with their emotions when your own are in such a state of flux. I love what you said about it being difficult to transcend when the nutters come to do harm! So very true, keeping your own mind and your own calm wave length is very difficult when other people are firing rockets at you. An idea keeps floating through my mind of some sort of communal living space where people can stay whilst going through tough times. The loneliness was very hard to cope with during all of our 'stuff' and I always thought having a supportive community would have been lovely.
The weekend has been an odd one. My step-brother came for the day on Saturday (it was his birthday). He has learning difficulties and a difficult/unpleasant personality (he is very much his father's son and it's difficult to know where the learning difficulties end and the personality problems start). His blood family do nothing for him (his dad didn't even give him a birthday card). I do not have the heart to just leave him by himself all weekend so invited him for lunch. By the end of the day I was ready to shoot myself and am still tired now. We went to a friend's for a drink in the evening; it was nice but a couple of hours was more than enough. We did quite a bit on the Sunday as my son's health is picking up so we made the most of it. I feel unnourished - not in a food way but in a soul way. I don't feel I have anywhere near enough deep, meaningful connections in my life. I don't feel that I am being nurtured in anyway, either by myself or anyone else. I am doing yoga and meditating, eating fairly well, resting, but it feels like something is missing; I'm not really sure what. People, maybe, loving connections? I'm not sure. I feel that I would like someone I could sink into sometimes, without having to explain what's wrong or why I feel the way I do. Just that unconditional acceptance, I suppose.
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I think it is time to say bye bye nice girl Tup. And probably bye bye Facebook as well. And maybe just generally bye bye to a lot of people from my past. This is a bit rambly so bear with me!
Yesterday I had to go for an afternoon nap because the weekend had tired me out so much. I also felt very anxious and unsure of myself, I think because I'd had to go the doctor for my pap smear (I don't know if you call them that in the States? But the check you have done to catch cancer of the cervix in its early stages).
I have had 'women's problems' ever since I started my periods when I was fourteen. I've had numerous interventions regarding cancer of the cervix over the years, always before any major problems occur, fortunately. There is now a problem with doing the smear tests as it isn't always possible to get to it, apparently, so I'd had a nurse poking about in there for ten minutes without any luck last month, thereby necessitating the visit to the doctor to try again, which meant another ten minutes of poking around. It's quite painful, very embarrassing and I was lying there thinking there's really not much difference between this and being raped. Even though consent is given, I only give it because having cancer is worse than having the test so it doesn't really feel like a choice (and obviously I am very sensitive to that sort of stuff because of the earlier abuse).
Anyway, I got very upset about the whole thing and I'm pretty sure it was largely because I'd spent the day with my step-brother at the weekend and obviously that triggers a whole lot of stuff, plus he is just a nightmare to spend time with and very tiring. I only see him because I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to feel lonely and a big part of that is down to being NICE GIRL TUP. I do always feel very compelled to help people out and I don't want to lose that aspect of my personality but at the same time I think I do need to remember that I actually need a lot of care and support that I don't get and the same is true of my son.
A former friend posted on Facebook that she was having a tough time, I offered to help. She said that she'd sorted help out now but would love to see us so I made arrangements to visit this week. This morning she's posted a load of racist stuff on Facebook and I just don't want to be around it. I found I was already rattling through in my head, fact checking so that if she says something when we visit I can politely point out the inaccuracy of the posts she's been putting up (it's all to do with money refugees are given to live on and it's basically all false and designed to get people riled up and angry so it's not opinion, it's proveable fact). I was starting to get anxious about going and could feel myself putting on my armour and then I thought, no, NICE GIRL TUP! Why are you putting yourself in this position? Go and visit someone you can chat with without having to memorise a load of numbers so that you don't have to sit there and agree with the nonsense they're talking.
And so it went on. And actually, as I'm writing this, it's making me realise that the Universe was pointing a big stick at me and saying "Get rid of these people, turkey brain!". My sister is still posting paedophile stuff on Facebook; I keep hiding the sites she's posting but she keeps finding new ones and putting them up and the utter blindness of the reality of her own family is just so typical of my entire bloody family. It was my niece's birthday at the weekend and we weren't invited to her party and I would lay money it was because my mum was in the area and might have popped in - and my sister doesn't have the balls to say 'Tup's coming with son so you'll have to meet with us another day'. Needless to say my mum didn't visit anyway (I knew she wouldn't) and I'm not playing second fiddle to that basket of crazy.
Anyway - I need to stop doing nice things for people that really don't appreciate it (or even notice it, a lot of the time) and concentrate on doing nice things for myself so that will be today's lesson for me. Thank you for reading all that waffle lol x
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Hi Tupp:
I was asked by my 14yo dd yesterday if I noticed how often I end up in bad positions.... taken advantage of... that sort of thing. She asked bc I was unable to tell her she can have or wear my wedding dress when she marries....
bc.....
I loaned my wedding dress to someone who not only hasn't returned it, but I do believe they had no intention of wearing it when they took it. That seems odd to me as I write it. I can't imagine DOING that.... it makes zero sense to me, and therefore.... I feel rather lost contemplating it.
That means I offer to do things and do things when asked that I HAVE NO BUSINESS OFFERING OR DOING in DD's opinion, and it was funny that she said it bc I was just starting to have similar thoughts myself.
About my dress.... I finally asked it be returned to me, which means it must be packed and brought back across the planet. I was told..... "If ___________ isn't loaded down with other stuff, she'll bring it." :shock: WTH?
That pretty much says I won't ever see it again....that I was a foolish fool for extending that kindness. Except I once borrowed a wedding dress for a relative to wear.... took it outside the US, had it repaired when back in the US and thanked the person for allowing me to use it AS I RETURNED THE DRESS as soon as a priority. Does that me a fool too? That I returned it in as good a shape as I borrowed it? See.... it never occurred to me to do anything else. It wouldn't.
Tupp..... I have some pretty messed up expectations...... I expect that people will DO and FEEL the way I do. It's so whack.... that I haven't figured that out yet, and stopped.
I hereby today, this the 25th day of April, give us both permission to STOP being nice to everyone no matter how they treat us. I hereby find that we are released from being nice people to those who haven't earned or have lost our trust. To those who have treated us badly, or are unsafe in general.
That's easy to say, but how will we handle the riots in our hearts and heads when we start saying NO and stop offering to do nice things? I'm going to put my hand on those places, and pay attention to them..... I'm going to do my best not to give in and do do do nice things to stop the riot in the moment.
I'm sorry you had a rough day with the sb and sorrier about the painful doctor's office..... you're so tough, and amazing..... you got the job done, but dang......
Find a good nurse practitioner with some skills or doctor and stick with them if you can is my suggestion. Some people are more talented than others, and you deserve to have a very competent person handling your medical care (((Tupp))).
The same with drawing blood from tiny deep veins..... some people are great at it, and worth following or waiting for, IME.
I've been outside on a glorious day.... just glorious. Go out into your garden, and pull weeds..... plant.... plan. It's going to be OK.
Lighter
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Lighter, your DD! How is it that kids can be so perceptive and see things quicker than we do? Maybe because they're not loaded down with the 'doing good' mentality and they can see the reality quicker. She's amazing - can I borrow her for a while? :) I'm sorry your dress is not where it should be though. I am just like you; If I borrow something it goes back asap, usually with a little plant or some choccies as a thank you. I do expect/assume everyone will be like me and do the right thing and it still surprises me when people don't! So yes, I am grateful for the permission to stop being nice! I've really conked out today, I've been so tired that I've got very little done and there is so much I could be doing to benefit myself and son (including just going out somewhere nice or cooking some nice food) and I thought, no, you've given to others, as usual, and now that you're knackered and worn out you're sitting here on your own because no-one else give's a tiny rat's arse.
I have taken a few steps; I cancelled going to see the friend I don't really want to see (and who isn't a friend), I've stayed off Facebook, my sister texted with details of her father in law's health problems and I've just said get well soon, step brother is now on the 'do not answer the phone' list. I've jobs I want to get on and get done this week so I am concentrating on myself and son and everyone else can sort themselves out.
I do hope you get your dress back, though! I just couldn't be that blase about someone else's things.
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Back on the game a bit today. Yesterday was a total write off, I ate loads of crap, watch a couple of films and faffed about on YouTube for no particular reason but you know what, I'm not going to give myself a hard time about it, I needed to let off a bit of steam and hibernate a bit whilst my brain sorted itself out so it's fine. I feel better this morning, more with it and up to getting a few things done. I have already practised my barriers; my sister texted this morning to say she'll ring later to update me on father in law's situation and I can see I've got myself into the same situation with her that I have with so many others; I've become an unofficial counsellor because the people she chooses to have in her life don't listen or talk things through. I would love someone to ring me because they want to share their good news with me, not because they want to offload! Maybe I should advertise myself as a good news receiver :) Anyway, I've told her we're out; the other thing I notice with a lot of people I know who are part of a couple is that they always want to chat during the day, because evening is 'hubby' time and they don't want to cut into it. I don't mind not speaking to people for days at a time any more (in fact I quite like it now) but equally I like my evenings to be a bit different to the day and I did realise a while back that one of the reasons I was still rushing around at 9pm was because I'd spent half the day listening to everyone else's news and didn't get on with what I needed to do. Maybe that counts as two boundaries practised this morning?
Anyway, I have quite a long to do list but I'm doing it in little bits and pieces. I'm going to try and get back to the healthy eating a bit today and might move my desk from the sitting room into my bedroom. Also fancy a walk and hoping to do some work on the van if it stays dry :)
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I was meditating this morning and I picked one that was about grounding yourself and setting boundaries so that other people's energy doesn't negatively affect your own. I suddenly felt a real pang of sadness that I couldn't pick the phone up and talk to my mum, or pop round to see her. That got me thinking through the day about how much harder life is when you don't have family around you to give you something to lean on when things are difficult, to celebrate your successes with you, to hug you and want to be around you and to want things to go well for you. It's left me with a sense of wondering how to create a family. I've got friends but it doesn't feel the same because they've got their own families who take priority, however good the friendship is (and rightly so!). I'm wondering whether there should be a rescue centre for abandoned adults the same way there is for abandoned dogs :)
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Wow, Tupp.
What I'm impressed by is how, in the moment, you realized you needed to set a boundary with your sister's urge to call. (Well, you can't control THAT but you protect yourself from some intrution by saying you won't be available.) Hope you have what we call in the U.S. "Caller I.D.". I don't, but I get few landline calls anyway. (Maybe you're on a mobile and always see who's calling?)
It's also nice that you recognized that another boundary, since people often call you during the daytime, needs to be how LONG you stay on a call. Great thing to practice. Like, when phone rings, you say something like "Oh hi. Let's chat for about 5 minutes, but I'm afraid that's all I've got right now." And then, in your privacy, you Set A Timer for 5 minutes! When it goes off, you get off (the phone).
Here's where Phone Boundary 2.0 kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying, you are allowed to gently interrupt and assert your choice to end the call. Perhaps you gently interrupt once, "Sorry, I really have to get going." Then if they continue, just one more time: "Okay, I do have to go now so I'm going to hang up, but I'll talk to you soon. Bye now." CLICK.
You don't have to:
--get their agreement
--raise your voice
--apologize
--concern yourself with their awkwardness (if they aren't hearing you)
It's awesome stuff. Awkward at first but it's not aggressive, it's assertiveness. You're not raising your voice, sounding mean, being unkind, getting flustered, or anything like that. You're just stating your intention (to be on phone for 5 minutes) and following through.
It can be awkward at first if the other party isn't used to you behaving with that clarity. But they CAN get used to it. And if they don't, again, you keep your serenity and carry on, just decide what your boundary is, speak your intention about it aloud, and follow through.
I'm sorry about feeling family-less, Tupp. You know I'm in the same boat, and my usual bromide. I'll repeat -- you CAN build a PHamily but it takes joining, going, and doing. I don't know what the options are there but you can bet if you lived here I'd be dragging you and Son to my church, to some volunteer stuff (repeating it over and over because a few visits isn't enough to build relationship), etc.
Will be thinking of you, and hoping this spring sends some good new supportive people into your life.
love,
Hops
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Wow, Tupp.
What I'm impressed by is how, in the moment, you realized you needed to set a boundary with your sister's urge to call. (Well, you can't control THAT but you protect yourself from some intrution by saying you won't be available.) Hope you have what we call in the U.S. "Caller I.D.". I don't, but I get few landline calls anyway. (Maybe you're on a mobile and always see who's calling?)
It's also nice that you recognized that another boundary, since people often call you during the daytime, needs to be how LONG you stay on a call. Great thing to practice. Like, when phone rings, you say something like "Oh hi. Let's chat for about 5 minutes, but I'm afraid that's all I've got right now." And then, in your privacy, you Set A Timer for 5 minutes! When it goes off, you get off (the phone).
Here's where Phone Boundary 2.0 kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying, you are allowed to gently interrupt and assert your choice to end the call. Perhaps you gently interrupt once, "Sorry, I really have to get going." Then if they continue, just one more time: "Okay, I do have to go now so I'm going to hang up, but I'll talk to you soon. Bye now." CLICK.
You don't have to:
--get their agreement
--raise your voice
--apologize
--concern yourself with their awkwardness (if they aren't hearing you)
It's awesome stuff. Awkward at first but it's not aggressive, it's assertiveness. You're not raising your voice, sounding mean, being unkind, getting flustered, or anything like that. You're just stating your intention (to be on phone for 5 minutes) and following through.
It can be awkward at first if the other party isn't used to you behaving with that clarity. But they CAN get used to it. And if they don't, again, you keep your serenity and carry on, just decide what your boundary is, speak your intention about it aloud, and follow through.
I'm sorry about feeling family-less, Tupp. You know I'm in the same boat, and my usual bromide. I'll repeat -- you CAN build a PHamily but it takes joining, going, and doing. I don't know what the options are there but you can bet if you lived here I'd be dragging you and Son to my church, to some volunteer stuff (repeating it over and over because a few visits isn't enough to build relationship), etc.
Will be thinking of you, and hoping this spring sends some good new supportive people into your life.
love,
Hops
Lol, I quite like being dragged to places, Hops, so that would work well :) I'm good, I just had that moment yesterday of wanting to be with someone I really love and who loves me. Sometimes it just sneaks up on you, doesn't it. I had this image in my mind of a real earth Mother type, someone who'd swoop me up and just say comforting things, make soup, make it all better. I gave it to myself, though, I got lots of little jobs done, ate well, arranged to meet a friend and so on.
Yes the boundaries take practise, don't they? I've not heard from her since (and did text last night to say I was free if she wanted to call) and this has been a common theme with so many people in my life; if I set a boundary I don't hear from them again and it's what often scares me and stops me doing it. But I don't care anymore, I've really realised I have got to put my boundaries in place otherwise it's me and my son that suffer and I'm not going down that road. I'm tired today but all in all things are good - I moved the desk into my bedroom and am finding it much easier to work in there than I was in the sitting room. I've managed to reconnect the printer (I think!) - new laptop so everything had to be reinstalled but I think I've done it so almost back on top of things again.
Thank you for your reply, it means a lot :)
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Tupp:
My kiddos are definitely not loaded down with the 'doing good' mentality..... much better at taking care of themselves and their own stuff than I am, for sure.
About the dress.... having figured out how things went sideways.... I take responsibility for my part in it, and will be OK if it comes back or doesn't. No hard feelings.... spoke to my friend about it, one mother who loves her dd's to another mother who loves her dds and grandchildren.... we want our kiddos to be OK so badly. We want that together. All will be well... no matter what. All will be well, and I will be mindful going forward. Maybe that's the most important piece in all this.... feels like it is.
Tupp do you ever feel like you've left one level of BEING and entered another? I mean..... left behind how you typically FEEL..... and shifted to feeling a whole'nuther way? I do. Sometimes it's huge, and sometimes it's small, but the important part is that I see that feeling isn't something we're at the mercy of. We can identify it, and shift out or more deeply INTO feelings, and perceptions around what's going on around us.
It's interesting and for me I think that making sense of what's happened to me, at all different stages of my life, is one catalyst making this possible. Sometimes there's nothing in particular happening when I note feeling different.
It's almost like I've left a part of the world I used to live in, and have changed Countries...... emotionally speaking. THAT kind of shift in what I think..... like a part of my every day life has been excised and removed.... just lifted OUT of my brain and is no longer on line interacting with my surrounding, kwim?
I assume this is more to do with parts of my brain calming down.... allowing other more creative parts to come online. For me, this is the key.... at least right now it is.
I've read the same information delivered in so many ways..... I recognize it, and try to distill it down to it's most basic form so I can internalize the important aspects FOR ME, and move on without having to keep revisiting and informing over and over.
I realize I can't meditate in the way I used to assume meditation had to be approached..... just can't pull it off.
Dr. Dan Siegel's WHEEL OF AWARENESS meditation is something I enjoy. Look it up on his website on YOUTUBE... it's worth the time, Tupp.
I also enjoy tapping, and just paying attention to my internal world in my own silence.... no intention to meditate... just being aware, curious..... resisting judgement. THESE are likely part of the shift......opening space to make necessary connections that otherwise wouldn't be apparent if I was trying to force them, kwim?
Pulling weeds...... wonderful space to make connections in my own way. I'm lucky I have about 6K more bags of grass and weeds to pull....... 6 bags down, woo hoo!
Lighter
ps Once again, Tupp has permission to say NO thank you, or I have to think about it, when she wants to say NO or Let me think about it. She should replace YES with those responses, and feel entitled to do so. So sayeth Lighter, this the 27th of April, 2017: )
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Lighter, I definitely feel like I move onto different planes of being and my awareness/understanding/logic or whatever it is moves to a different place; I see things I didn't see before, I start enjoying stuff I haven't enjoyed before, I want to leave behind things (and people) that I don't feel like I fit with anymore. Yes, yes and yes.
I will check out the meditation you mention, thank you, and I'm glad you've found some peace with the dress, however it comes back (or not!).
Thank you for the permission, again, I needed it today! Sister wanting to talk on the phone again (we really were out this time), a very frustrating drive to collect the paint for the flat and a feeling of being a child who isn't trusted to make decisions. The paint is paid for by the local authority, who own the flat, which is great, but there's a limited range of colours to choose from and no choice in the finish of the paint (gloss, matt, eggshell etc), plus they give you the amount they say you will need (which I don't think will be enough as some of the rooms will definitely need two coats). So whilst I'm grateful for the home and someone else paying for the paint, I do feel that I'm being treated like a child who can't be trusted to choose sensibly. And it happens a lot, and it's all to do with not having much money, and that's completely to do with having a child with disabilities and so that level of discrimination that comes into play with everything we do kind of got to me today (more so because the paint depot is on the edge of a carpark behind a road and there's no signage so it took an age to find and I was in a bad mood by the time I got there lol).
We went from there to a friend's place and she talked for two hours, non-stop. I had a headache, tried to break into the conversation a couple of times and did manage it but only for a short while and then it was back to her. I find more and more now that I look for solutions rather than drama, and quite quick ones - if so and so is being an idiot, keep away from so and so, if this situation is causing a problem, avoid the situation and so on. I feel now that I have to pick my battles and a lot of the small every day stuff just isn't worth the energy. I don't know if I'm all analysed out? I used to love going over and over things with people and working out she said this and he said that and then they said, and so on, but now I find I'm not interested? I think I wouldn't have minded listening to two hours of a really serious problem but a lot of it was stuff that I wouldn't have considered a problem (largely because I wouldn't have got into it in the first place). I just don't seem to have the energy for other people any more.
Anyway, we saw a film after that which was very funny, dinner's on and this evening should be nice and quiet. I'm trying to avoid the judgement :)
You have a lot of weeding to do, Lighter, will that be what you do over the weekend? x
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Well.... there's power in the words.....
"Let me know how that works out for you."
We can't fix everyone's problems.
Imagine how much energy we'd have for ourselves if we believed that, and stopped trying.
My youngest said to me today.....
"You should mind your own business", and she's right. She really is. Minding our own business means we pay as strict attention to solving our own problems. I think we could do much better at that, Tupp.
Yes.... I'm pulling weeds. Lots and lots of weeds. The yard looks better, but bald in places grass used to grow. I'll pull up moss from the wood edge and make everything green again. The Preen weed stopper received rain.... all watered in. I'm hoping it does the job it's supposed to do.... keep seeds from germinating for 3 months so I can get a handle on this. Maybe I'll get the yard I want this years. If not, then next year.
I'm not going to poison the grubs just yet.... the moles burrowing make it easier to pull the deeper weeds. They're my friends at this point. I never would have guessed I'd feel that way about them, but I do.
I'm looking forward to cleaning up all the borders and beds and edges of things. I'm good at that kind of work when I can focus. This time last year I couldn't see my yard past hiring someone to mow it. I just wanted it to not look worse than when I bought it. How stupid was it to spread all those grass and weed seeds with a mower? Not this year... nope nope nope.
It's me and the moles, and at least one sassy chipmunk rolling around in the dirt together, and I love it. Not enough to go barefoot, and gloveless all the time, but maybe a little. Did you love the feel of dirt between your toes when you were a child? I did. Still do.
Lighter
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Well.... there's power in the words.....
"Let me know how that works out for you."
We can't fix everyone's problems.
Imagine how much energy we'd have for ourselves if we believed that, and stopped trying.
My youngest said to me today.....
"You should mind your own business", and she's right. She really is. Minding our own business means we pay as strict attention to solving our own problems. I think we could do much better at that, Tupp.
Yes.... I'm pulling weeds. Lots and lots of weeds. The yard looks better, but bald in places grass used to grow. I'll pull up moss from the wood edge and make everything green again. The Preen weed stopper received rain.... all watered in. I'm hoping it does the job it's supposed to do.... keep seeds from germinating for 3 months so I can get a handle on this. Maybe I'll get the yard I want this years. If not, then next year.
I'm not going to poison the grubs just yet.... the moles burrowing make it easier to pull the deeper weeds. They're my friends at this point. I never would have guessed I'd feel that way about them, but I do.
I'm looking forward to cleaning up all the borders and beds and edges of things. I'm good at that kind of work when I can focus. This time last year I couldn't see my yard past hiring someone to mow it. I just wanted it to not look worse than when I bought it. How stupid was it to spread all those grass and weed seeds with a mower? Not this year... nope nope nope.
It's me and the moles, and at least one sassy chipmunk rolling around in the dirt together, and I love it. Not enough to go barefoot, and gloveless all the time, but maybe a little. Did you love the feel of dirt between your toes when you were a child? I did. Still do.
Lighter
Wow, your DD! She's spot on! It is hard to know where the line between doing someone a favour and doing yourself no favours is. You'll be asking your kids for advice, Lighter, what an amazing thing :) And a chipmunk! How cute. I love moles as well, I know people don't like what they do in the garden but I think they're so cute.
Gardens are difficult to get right, I think, especially when you take on what someone else has created (or left, depending on the situation). But it all gets sorted eventually. I'm just concentrating on keeping mine tidy for now, it's nice to see what's growing and the birds are all nesting as well which is really cute.
I did realise today that I've been very silly for a long time! I had a flurry of contacts from people over the last couple of days and everyone is off having a lovely weekend, seeing friends, spending money, going on far away trips. And I realised that these people all put themselves and their families first, and I don't. I still prioritise other people and go visiting people when I could save the money and take myself and my boy away, or just use it to pay for someone to watch him for me so that I can have some time off. It made me realise that I have simply got to start putting him and myself first and stop rushing around after other people. I've cut the grass this morning and I'm going to work on the van after lunch. I keep putting if off because I worry about getting it wrong but I'm just going to get on with it and hope for the best :) Enjoy the gardening! x
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Tupp:
What would it look like.... if you spent your time and resources on only yourself? For a month, or two or three?
What would change for you? What would be possible that hasn't been possible before?
What can you give yourself that you haven't had access to before? Going places? Doing things locally?
::scalp crawling:: I just found another tick. This one crawling up my left thigh....on my jeans. He's presently with the other ticks..... under tape. He was another big one.
I finally talk my dd14 into enjoying the river, we've never explored together before. We enjoyed the rocks, and cold cold water in the heat of the day, and were happy and glad together. There was laughing, and DD said she was very happy to be there with me..... she wanted to do it again, explore more, and find even better places in the river.
On the way back to the car dd and I were wondering what might live in the very deep obvious holes in the earth we were stepping over when a lovely Black Racer snake popped into view. It was sunning itself just above the holes and to the left.... maybe 4 feet long but curled under a branch so it looked like two snakes...
snake central.
::nodding::
I was walking by it as I saw it... all my weight was committed and I had to go over it, mitt pug. DD stopped and went the other way.
Looking back, I'm sure there was a lot of squealing, though I only remember saying "SNAKE!" then going fast.
The other interesting thing about that trail was all the deer tracks.
Lots and lots of deer tracks.
Ummm... what time of year do they get frisky...
and aggressive?
Lighter
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Snakes and ticks! I would be having a nervous breakdown, lol. We don't have many snakes in the UK; you sometimes see an adder basking in the sun when the weather's good but I think that's probably only happened to me three times in the forty plus years I've been around. I'm not keen on more sightings! The river sounds lovely, though, I remember the first time I put my boy in a stream and his little face, he was so excited. It's so nice to make those good memories.
And how funny you saying about only focusing on myself for a while because I've been thinking about that over the weekend. How much more could I do, how many different places could I visit, what could I afford if I stopped rushing around fitting people in and spending money I don't really have spare? I think it could be nice. I'm going to have a lazy day today; I do feel very tired - I've given up caffeine again so my artificial energy is nowhere to be seen and I do feel the difference! So today might be a feet up kind of a day.
I don't know about the deer? Would they run at you if it were mating season? I hope the ticks go, they're not nice little creatures!
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Four years ago when I first moved to this sweet dead-end block of wee houses along the ridge (old dairy farm before it was developed in the 50s), I was coming home one twilight and there were TEN deer shambling along in a herd right down the middle of my street. They were juveniles, and not delinquents...just moving along at snack time, eyeing the shrubbery on offer.
One morning after heavy rain I drew open the curtains on the back wing that sticks into the yard and saw five deer sleeping along my fence...I think they were looking for drier ground. And once I startled some in the yard and in their scramble to jump back out, a couple lost their footing on the gravel driveway and kind of lurched into the side of the house. They aren't in my yard any more since one stretch of deer fencing got added (after Pooch Poo Roll #2 defeated my sentiments) but I do enjoy seeing them all the time in the neighborhood.
Frisky. I remember stopping to look at a small group of them on a walk. After a bit, one who had his eye on me began stamping his front feet. I think that was to send a vibration warning to his pals, not to signal aggression to me. But just in case that behavior could mean either thing, Pooch and I picked up the pace and stopped staring!
(I still feel a little guily about booting them from my yard.)
:)
Hops
PS-- My community's pretty upset about a current campaign by a few county folks too lazy to put away their birdfeeders and get locking trash bins. They've petitioned the authorities to change hunting regs so they can eliminate 1/4 of the existing black bear population, which is no longer threatened but has not yet rebounded to sustainable levels. It's about humans refusing to respect common sense and adapt to the bears' environment as the humans move in with their vacay mountain homes. Some are even proposing they be allowed to shoot hibernating bears in their dens. Pretty big pushback happening, so I hope the effort fails. For God's sake. It's ugly.
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I hope their attempts fail as well, we should respect their living spaces that we invade with our developments, not the other way around! We see similar things here, not with animals so much but with the countryside in general. People move out of the cities because they want to live in the country (we're about an hour from London so it's prime for commuters) but then they cut down the trees in their gardens, concrete their front gardens so that they can park their cars on them and complain that there's no Starbucks! Crazy behaviour, I hope the bear killers don't get their way. How much effort is it to lock your bin and bring in your bird feeder?!
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Oh Hops, I hope the bears are safe too. It's sad when we crowd them out.... like it's our home, and not theirs.
Yes, mating season. I'm not sure when it is, but I'm sure I'd like to avoid a frontal hoof pummeling if possible. Sure, we;d be fine, but...... really?
That's a story I'd rather not have to share.
::nodding::
The ticks..... so... creepy. I've picked a sore spot on the top of my itchy head, and half convinced myself it's SOMETHING. I don't have a very high tolerance for bugs, and allergies.
Tupp..... what would it look like if you just did for yourself for a month, or two? Literally, what do you see for yourself?
Lighter
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Anything itchy makes me itch, Lighter, a tick would freak me out! I thought the cat had one when she was a lot younger and I rushed off to the vet because I couldn't cope with trying to get it out on my own and it turns out she has a funny nipple (or whatever they call them on cats!). So it was left well alone (I imagine vets have a sort of get together where they swop stories on the daft things people bring their pets in with :) ).
I have been thinking over the weekend about what I would like to do. I think where I'm struggling is that I don't have any problems to deal with at the moment (in terms of pressing, can't ignore them problems) and I'm so used to living my life dealing with 'stuff' that I'm floundering a bit with making choices and decisions instead of having them made for me.
One thing I would love to get done in the next month is to get my van ship shape so that we can go away in it and be nice and comfy. And maybe I should just aim for one thing instead of my usual scattergun approach of trying to do a dozen things at once? I think I might actually need a break from people for a while. I'm getting frustrated with other people's 'stuff' and thinking I might be better with my own company for a while.
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That's one sad thing about living under siege all the time.... it becomes the normal, IME.
If we're used to operating on adrenaline, in crisis mode...... adjusting to life under less pressure isn't easy, IMO.
TBH I think PDs often manufacture crisis and drama when it's not in their life... bc it feels normal to them, and they can't figure out how to get along without.
I sure hope we can.
I like peace and serenity.
Just sit with the difficult feelings, ((Tupp.))
Name them, whatever comes up, until you have some clarity...... it will come.
Lighter
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I know, isn't it weird, you finally get the peace that you long for - and it feels odd and you don't quite know what to do with it!
Anyway - I decided to try and focus on one achievement a day and to write it up on the wall, so I feel like I am making positive progress with something. My son has had a rash come up on his legs which I was worried might be to do with his medication so my aim for today was to get that sorted out, which we have done. We've done quite a few other bits and pieces as well but that was the thing on the achievement list so I've ticked that box :)
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I'm feeling quite rough, I think because of the lack of caffeine, and I didn't get much sleep as my son was up in the night so today has been very tiring. I went to see a lady about a little cleaning job and I've got it. I'm really pleased, it's just up the road, I can take my son and it's a bit of extra money which I am going to save up and use for 'turning Tup into a fun loving human again' type stuff. We saw the doc yesterday; the rash is in fact stretch marks which I had no idea kids could get but apparently that's what it is. She also confirmed what I suspected about the consultant which is that he's not made any of the referrals he said he would, so we are once again without any kind of medical input and I am so angry and fed up with it all. I am going to complain and sort out the referrals myself but I do just get so fed up with this kind of passive aggressive behaviour; we've had years now of people saying one thing to my face and then doing another behind my back and I find it frustrating that I can't have it out with this man and tell him exactly what I think about him.
I have also been quite vocal on Facebook today and had a lengthy political disagreement with someone and been quite blunt to someone else who chimed in with a pointless comment. I usually avoid conflict and drama, particularly on social media, but for some reason today I felt I wanted to say my bit so I have done. It got to the point where the discussion was going round in circles so I said I was going to leave it there but the other person has carried on regardless - I've let them, they can waffle on to themselves for the rest of the night.
I do feel quite fiesty at the minute and I don't usually. I usually want to play nice and be everyone's friend but at the minute I feel like punching people and telling them exactly what I think. Not sure why exactly (and I'm at home so I won't be punching anybody) but I do feel very angry, about a lot of things, I think, and I'm starting to wonder why I always keep quiet.
Anyway, generally not feeling great but I'm hoping that as I adjust to being caffeine free again I won't feel so bad and I am starting to think that being angry once in a while probably isn't a bad thing.
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I am feeling a little bit cross with myself. I am finding I don't want to be around people and that this is generally either because people I know offload on me, or because they waffle on about petty, insignificant things that are of no interest to me. I am realising that I generally just sort of go along with this - part of wanting to be nice, maybe? But I'm getting cross with myself when I realise that I have so much to do that giving my time to others is generally not a good idea, and that I've spent years letting people offload their woes onto my shoulders before they go to enjoy their evening with friends and family, whilst I then sit indoors on my own with my own, and everyone else's, woes in my lap. I've noticed this before at times but not really followed through with being firm with others, I think. Everyone I know has got other people in their lives on a close, daily basis, and I really don't have that. So I do need to be a lot tougher in that regard and not let myself be a dumping ground for everybody else's troubles.
I've also had to go through some old paperwork as it's relevant to a current situation with my son and I needed to find some old letters to show how long a particular situation has been going on for. Apart from being very impressed with my filing system (I found what I needed in a matter of minutes in amongst, I would guess, about two thousand bits of paper) it also did hit home just how much we've been through over the years (and how much of it is documented). And that made me realise that the only person who really knows how bad it all was is probably my therapist at the time, who I offloaded the entire thing onto over a period of months. I do need to be firmer about this and stop letting people use my time up in a way that isn't beneficial to me. I do feel very tired and grumpy but I think that might be the kick up the bum that I need to stop doing this to myself.
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I am waffling away at the moment, it's funny because I've felt very stuck for the last few days and unable to express myself or move very much and now it all seems to be flowing out endlessly :)
I was quite pleased because I realised there was a time (not so long ago) when the Facebook spat would have triggered a lot in me, and it hasn't. The other person wasn't taking any notice of what I was saying and just kept repeating their point of view (which was nothing to do with what I'd originally posted anyway) - that's a common tactic of my mum's. When I tried to end the (pointless) discussion by saying we'll agree to disagree they twisted that to make it seem that I was suggesting something altogether different (it doesn't make a lot of sense trying to explain it on here but I don't want to recount the whole conversation as it went on a bit and it was quite boring :) ). I was rude at that point and made it very clear the discussion was over as far as I was concerned and they still came back again so I ignored the whole thing. Today they tried to reignite the discussion so I've deleted the post. It was all very reminiscent of a discussion with my mum and I realised this evening that there have been times when this sort of thing has happened before and I have been in a tizz about it for days because it's brought so much old stuff up. But it really hasn't happened this time; I was annoyed but only to the point of switching off the computer and I don't feel bad about being rude to him because he was rude (usually I feel like I shouldn't have let my 'nice girl' facade slip but this time I didn't care). Anyway I just needed to waffle on about it before I went to bed :)
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Waffle away, Tupp.
What I love most about the whole FB exchange is your ability to recognize old struggle, and not get so hooked into it.
It's tremendous growth when we no longer need others to understand our POV. Esp those who can't hear us.... just drop the rope. Yes.
I wonder when that'll shift into habit, so's we don't have to think about it any more.
I've always seen those WITH proper boundaries as sort of..... intimidating.
Sometimes scary.
There's a place where understanding why I felt that way...... calms my nervous system, and brings comfort in occupying Proper Boundary Land.
BEING there..... myself.
I still have anxiety when I'm around people with really good boundaries.... and I'm not feeling like I'm there with them. It's like ..... is it like I have to be unfaithful to the part I grew up with, or am used to playing (good girl) or what?
I know this....
I've noticed for many years that I'm very comfortable in the position of helper/do'er. My esteem was closely tied, in many ways not all, to being of service.
I still haven't learned how to comfortably BE with everyone in my world. I'm still sorting it out, and paying attention to it.
About walking away from a misunderstanding or difference of opinion with a (wounded) person who can't hear you..... I did that last year. Just signed off, and didn't bother to respond at all... not one explanation. It was comforting, and felt SO right to drop the rope, then go do something for myself.
About not getting the proper promised referrals...... I don't know how your system works, but everyone has managers somewhere. Can you gain something by going to the next tier of power in this situation?
Lighter
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Waffle away, Tupp.
What I love most about the whole FB exchange is your ability to recognize old struggle, and not get so hooked into it.
It's tremendous growth when we no longer need others to understand our POV. Esp those who can't hear us.... just drop the rope. Yes.
I wonder when that'll shift into habit, so's we don't have to think about it any more.
I've always seen those WITH proper boundaries as sort of..... intimidating.
Sometimes scary.
There's a place where understanding why I felt that way...... calms my nervous system, and brings comfort in occupying Proper Boundary Land.
BEING there..... myself.
I still have anxiety when I'm around people with really good boundaries.... and I'm not feeling like I'm there with them. It's like ..... is it like I have to be unfaithful to the part I grew up with, or am used to playing (good girl) or what?
I know this....
I've noticed for many years that I'm very comfortable in the position of helper/do'er. My esteem was closely tied, in many ways not all, to being of service.
I still haven't learned how to comfortably BE with everyone in my world. I'm still sorting it out, and paying attention to it.
About walking away from a misunderstanding or difference of opinion with a (wounded) person who can't hear you..... I did that last year. Just signed off, and didn't bother to respond at all... not one explanation. It was comforting, and felt SO right to drop the rope, then go do something for myself.
About not getting the proper promised referrals...... I don't know how your system works, but everyone has managers somewhere. Can you gain something by going to the next tier of power in this situation?
Lighter
Hi Lighter :)
Re the referrals, he was the highest chap. I can make a complaint (which I will) but the way the system works here is that all initial complaints are fobbed off; everything is dismissed as a misunderstanding (on the part of the person making the complaint). You then have to complain to an external body who take more than a year, usually, to investigate. They will find in your favour (if your complaint was genuine) but the whole process takes a year and a half and all that happens then is you get a letter from the organisation you complained about saying they will use your concerns to improve their service and that's the end of it (I've done it so many times!). Best way forward now is for me to organise what I can myself; I booked appointment with local doctor to see if they can organise one referral, a second I can do myself, a third will involve me writing to the doctor that would have to do the assessment and asking him if he thinks we need to see him; if he says no, I can leave that, if not we go to new doc at new hospital (who is unaware of all of this as previous consultant transferred case across without sending any information) and ask him to do that plus three others that are outstanding (and all need to be made by a consultant, not a regular doctor). It's a ludicrously ineffective and inefficient system but that's how it works. Son is doing okay so I'm not spitting feathers at the moment and I am going on a paperwork bonanza at the minute to get as much done over the weekend as I can so it's all out of the way and not annoying me anymore :)
Yes, I've always found boundaries intimidating as well! But I am starting to feel that I really don't care what people think anymore, or if they're offended by what I say. I'm not deliberately rude or obnoxious to people but if someone doesn't like what they hear is that my problem? I wouldn't bluster in giving unsolicited opinions but I am feeling less inclined to hide my thoughts and feelings away as I always have done. Which I think is good?
The Facebook thing was definitely a good moment; usually I'd have worried about this and I'm usually desperate for other people to see things from my point of view but I really don't feel like I care and I've no inclination to try and smooth things over or make the peace. For me, there were alarm bells going off with his refusal to listen to what was being said and his own broken record technique and I just didn't want to involve myself with that. It does feel good to just walk away from something (or someone) and just get on with something different.
How are things with you? Have you had any more trips to the stream recently? x
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Something else I've noticed is that my desire to rescue people seems to be going? I am focusing more along the lines of health, money and good time for myself and son and it is feeling right? Instead of me feeling I ought to be doing things for other people?
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(((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))
What would it feel like to read your own last post if all the question marks were replaced by periods?
Try it!
xxoo
Hops
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(((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))
What would it feel like to read your own last post if all the question marks were replaced by periods?
Try it!
xxoo
Hops
Hopsie, what do you mean by periods, is that what you call full stops? So it's a statement, not a question? It does feel good, although such a big step for me I think it makes me feel a bit hesitant? (Another question mark :) ). In the UK, periods are your menstrual cycle which really made me laugh, I had visions of myself in a hyped up menstrual rant shouting "I'm not rescuing you!" at people :) xx
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Tee HEE.
Yes, periods as punctuation marks, not bloody periods.
Oh that's funny.
But, yes.
Try it as full stops.
(I'm suggesting it as a small way to experience your own voice with more power. Nothing scary, just getting more comfortable with assertive statements, is all...)
Hugs
Hops
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Tee HEE.
Yes, periods as punctuation marks, not bloody periods.
Oh that's funny.
But, yes.
Try it as full stops.
(I'm suggesting it as a small way to experience your own voice with more power. Nothing scary, just getting more comfortable with assertive statements, is all...)
Hugs
Hops
Thank you, Hops, my mission for today is to try and make statements instead of asking question in my head. I do have a lot of negative thinking and I've noticed that more this last week or so. I do tend to imagine the worst case scenario in a situation - catastrophising, I think it's called (almost put a question mark there but I stopped myself). So I think changing my thoughts is going to be my mission for the time being. Isn't it all blooming hard work?!
In other news - my mum had a meltdown on Facebook last night, on my sister's wall. You can see how drunk she is from the way she's writing and also how utterly fractured and fragmented her mind is. She literally has a conversation with herself, reading meaning that isn't there from other people's (completely innocuous) comments (that aren't directed at her either), taking offence at nothing at all and so on. My sister deals with her as you would a young child, mum, no-one said that, mum, that comment was about something one of the kids did earlier, it was nothing to do with you, mum, that's enough now, you're blowing up things that aren't there. My mum then takes her complaints to her grandson's Facebook page, this poor boy is the centre point for both his grandmother's and his father's issues, goodness knows what it's doing to his mind. She then emails my sister and is full of lament about the past, she's going to send photos so that she can see she wasn't a bad mum, they're always got on so well, she'll just keep away in future as it's obvious she's not wanted. On the surface it's funny as she seems like a drunk person being daft and you know that another person might well regret this the next day and be on the phone saying "sorry, I had too much wine, what was I on about". But it's so sad as that is her mind all the time, being sober this morning won't change it and this will probably drag on for weeks now. Her entire extended family can see it yet still none of them recognise the situation or do anything about it - much like what BettyAnn was talking about with people ignoring abuse.
I do keep out of all of this, just saw it last night as it was all so public, has made me more determined to work hard to keep my mind a healthy place, I don't want to get to a point where I can't see someone else's perception of a situation and realise when I'm being completely out of line x
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Wow. What a sad spectacle, Tupp.
Lord preserve us from Facebooking our lives forever.
I was just thinking of you when I read this column.
It's about a wedding but all the issues Hax explains are about what we've been talking about -- boundaries and assertiveness. Thought you might enjoy. (Let me know if the link doesn't work and I can paste it in a post for you.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-why-cant-she-have-the-wedding-she-wants/2017/05/03/f6feec04-2c5e-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.7b4234b877b0&wpisrc=nl_hax&wpmm=1 (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-why-cant-she-have-the-wedding-she-wants/2017/05/03/f6feec04-2c5e-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.7b4234b877b0&wpisrc=nl_hax&wpmm=1)
hugs
Hops
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Wow. What a sad spectacle, Tupp.
Lord preserve us from Facebooking our lives forever.
I was just thinking of you when I read this column.
It's about a wedding but all the issues Hax explains are about what we've been talking about -- boundaries and assertiveness. Thought you might enjoy. (Let me know if the link doesn't work and I can paste it in a post for you.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-why-cant-she-have-the-wedding-she-wants/2017/05/03/f6feec04-2c5e-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.7b4234b877b0&wpisrc=nl_hax&wpmm=1 (https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-why-cant-she-have-the-wedding-she-wants/2017/05/03/f6feec04-2c5e-11e7-a616-d7c8a68c1a66_story.html?utm_term=.7b4234b877b0&wpisrc=nl_hax&wpmm=1)
hugs
Hops
Wow they are real boundary pushers! What a nightmare. Yes, it's exactly that, isn't it, having to know what you want or where your line is drawn and then telling people as well. The thing I have found hard is that setting boundaries has meant people are no longer in my life. I've found it hard when people I have cared about and wanted to have in my life weren't willing to change their behaviour or hear me and preferred not to bother with me anymore. That's been hard. It's also made me wonder if it's me and not them? Because it is weird how you can know dozens of people and they're all the same at some sort of basic level? Very different perhaps outwardly, but deep down on core issues none of them respect or respond to boundaries or they hear them as a criticism or some sort of insult. Isn't that weird?
I have noticed today how negative my thinking is, in pretty much every situation. I hadn't realised it had got that bad. I wasn't like this in the past. So boundaries, positive thinking and self love are top of the agenda, I think. With that in mind, it's time to curl up with the cat for a nap, I think :)
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Ahhhhh, curling up with a warm kitty, or dog pal. I really enjoy that too.
Light
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Ahhhhh, curling up with a warm kitty, or dog pal. I really enjoy that too.
Light
I'd like to experience life as our cat every now and again, Lighter, wouldn't it be nice to take a holiday from being human for a while? Mostly sleeping, usually in the most comfortable spots, affection when you want it but alone time when you don't, regular meals, treats every now and again and a nice walk around outside when you feel like it. Cats have very good boundaries, don't they, everything is on their terms. Perhaps we should all aspire to be more like cats.
I have noticed today that I am feeling resentful, mostly of other people having an endlessly good time whilst I am not. I decided to just notice it and not pay too much mind to it. Usually I try and stop 'bad' thoughts or use them as a way to improve myself but today I have decided it is alright to feel resentful and grumpy and I'm just going to let it be.
I'm trying to focus on reducing my stress levels and to get a good balance between getting things done (as lots of outstanding jobs on my to do list - particularly paperwork which is always to do with my son - makes me feel stressed and overwhelmed) and actively trying to reduce stress, through being outside, meditating, yoga, eating well and so on. I have a tendency to overwork to bring my stress levels down, rather than relieving the stress so that I don't feel as concerned about what needs to be done so I'm trying to balance that out. So that's the aim for today, cat- like boundaries and a good enough balance between working and relaxing to manage my stress levels.
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Prepare to be amazed :)
Scrolling through Facebook this evening - two 'I'm in distress' posts from people I know - didn't even consider whether or not I ought to offer to help, just scrolled past.
Friend called this afternoon - we had a brief chat but before she could launch into long winded complaint she needed to get off her chest I told her I had to go and get lunch ready as I had things to do this afternoon.
Son went to drama club tonight (which he loved) - lady that runs it told me the other parents sit and wait upstairs but I said I'd planned to go for a walk so off I went without feeling bad about it. Met the other parents briefly when I got back and they seem very nice so next week I plan to go for a shorter walk and then go and chat to them some more - may be the hint of a social life there!
Spent the morning reading and catching up on bits and pieces. Had a nap this afternoon. Now preparing for an early night. I think I might have to make myself a certificate!
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Well, Tupp......
it's lovely to see you slide into new territory.....
just go,
and be.
Once the angst and churning of NOT doing doing doing for others subsides....
we gain the ability to live in the moment...
there's us not DOING what we NEED to get out of discomfort. There's US doing something else for a change, IME.
The need subsides, and the angst follows suit, or does the angst subside first?
Not sure, but you know I'm doing the Snoopie Dance for'ya my dear!
Make sure you stop, and FEEL this...... thing you've captured for yourself.
Name it.
Celebrate it: D
Lighter
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Lol, I would love to see the Snoopie dance, Lighter :) Do you know, I'm luxuriating in the feeling of not feeling obliged. I did wonder when I went to bed last night if I'd wake up this morning feeling guilty and rushing off to put things right but no, I woke up early, my son was still asleep so I stayed in bed reading for a while, now he's up and I'm going to do a bit of paperwork before we head out and I don't feel any kind of draw to rescue, advise, intervene or worry about them thinking 'oh she didn't bother to call'. I've got a paperwork mountain to deal with, a van to restore, a flat to decorate and furnish, a beautiful garden to work on, a book to write and a million other things that I want to see and do, all of which, right now, feel more important than sorting out other people's stuff for them. I started to wonder if I would become selfish and cynical and be the sort of person that won't put themselves out for a minute, and then I thought, do you know what, for forty four years I haven't put myself first even one time, so if I never do another thing for another person I think I've already done enough. And I feel quite energised and invigorated about it :)
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Read a funny-stunny quote this morning:
When you stop pleasing people, people are not pleased.
Pithy perfection.
:)
Hops
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Read a funny-stunny quote this morning:
When you stop pleasing people, people are not pleased.
Pithy perfection.
:)
Hops
Hops, that is so, so true, and is why I've often found it difficult. It is very painful to discover people you love only want you in their life if/when it's convenient or helpful to them, and it's one of the reasons I've found putting boundaries in place difficult, as well as saying no and putting myself first. But I have to say that deep seated urge to keep everyone happy seems to have gone and I want to concentrate much more on keeping myself and my son happy (the cat has made herself happy by nicking the fish I'd taken out of the freezer for tea :) ). We all need to be more cat!
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That's so true, Hops. They aren't pleased, and to me it feels like an act of aggression. It's partially my NEEEEED for everyone to be OK... I get that my interpretation is the problem. Not the response.
What's new about people not being pleased is.....I have no interest in explaining, or helping them understand.
Instead I'm paying attention to any boundary stomping I MIGHT BE DOING which helps me hold compassion for them, but.... I don't think I can fix them, or soften the blow of my dropping that rope.
I tend to turn away when my boundaries are stomped, and just end the conversation, interaction, whatever.... they'll get the message, or they'll fade away.
I suppose it's likely my turning away is seen as violence. I don't know where I read that silence is the most violent thing you can do to someone..... paraphrasing there, but it changed the way I view anyone giving the cold shoulder to anyone else....... not my style typically to give the cold shoulder. It's not my intention when I break off contact with people crossing boundaries... it's a little confusing right now.
I used to be very careful about letting people know I wasn't leaving a conversation unfinished... just taking a break from it..... I don't know that I do that anymore.
I think I'm more likely to end the discussion without acknowledging I'm aware of their displeasure, hence... not needing them to understand, or agree.... give me permission.... make me feel OK about their response. And that wasn't always possible. It's a relief to at least wrap my mind around it, and be able to turn away.... at least for a moment of peace. If they don't understand now, they likely can't or never will, and I can be OK with that too. It's better to choose withdrawal with love, and receive peace.... better than letting them cross boundaries and enduring. Better than feeling guilty, and responsible and guilty.
::nodding::
Now that DD16 is coming home.... I have to revisit my people pleasing behaviors, and really work on building the relationship I want to have with her, sans my need to please/fix/make everyone OK. From her research and healing journey she's identified me as a bit like a man... I try to FIX things when she vents to me. I can't just listen. Well... I'm working on it.
I'm aware I haven't finished processing some aspects of past damage in our relationship. I want to move forward fresh, and be very confident it's behind us. She doesn't want to be part of that process, which makes me sad. I'll figure out how to do it, and how to feel OK about her not wanting to be a part of it, but.... she's been utilizing ritual at her Boarding school, and I thought it would be a wonderful thing for us to sort out together... I felt she would have some great ideas about how to do it. She doesn't. At least not now.
I'm paying attention to my neeeeed, and to her responses so I don't cross boundaries with her. She's not responsible for how I feel, and I have to be mindful about not feeling responsible for how she feels.
Oh dear... this is how change happens. In mulled over increments of hard won territories, and that's OK.
And Tupp.... I think you'd love my Snoopie dance. I think you'd do one too :D
My youngest dd14 can be counted on for one of two responses....
she joins in
OR
recoils in mortification, depending on mood.
She helped me in the yard today. I feel as though I'm gaining some ground in the yard of mossy heaven (to be.) DD wrestled with two big wheelbarrows of mulch and only squeaked twice when a spider, and then a little green, worm crawled on her.
She would have freaked out if a cicada had landed on her. They're all over the place, and LOUD.... at first I thought the buzz might be in my head... no one was talking about it. They're not the beautiful big green ones I'm used to. They're little black fly looking things with beady read eyes. I thought the yard had been churned up in places by the moles, but alas.... it's the plague of the cicadas.
::scratch scratch scratch::..
Today I've determined the moles are no longer my friends. I found the pug nudging a dead one, AND they're likely the reason my ailing ground cover is ailing around the porch.
::going to read the label on the grub killer::
Maybe I'll just do the beds.... you wouldn't believe the size and number of grubs in my yard. SO many.... so fat.
::scratch scratch scratch::
I have to admit I screamed like a little girl when a cicada flew by my face and landed on my shoulder.
They really look like BIG evil flies.
Lighter
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But, really.... I think he's GORGEOUS.
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/ss-130410-cicada-invasion/ss-130410-cicada-invasion-tease.jpg (http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/i/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/ss-130410-cicada-invasion/ss-130410-cicada-invasion-tease.jpg)
:)
Hops
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During our early morning walk a big fat rain drop fell out of the sky....... plopped right at my feet.
On closer inspection we found a struggle, belly up cicada..... of course it was striped like a great big hornet.
I really don't like the black ones.
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Well I had no idea what a cicada was, and now that I've seen Hopsie's photo of one I'm not sure I want to meet one!
Lighter, I have a tendency to try and fix rather than just listen. Sometimes I think if you've been through a lot you end up with quite a lot of ideas about how to fix things and it's hard to keep them to yourself. I also wonder if mine is to compensate for the fact that no-one tried to fix anything for me when I was younger so I had to work it all out on my own. I've often wondered what it would have been like if I'd had a wise, caring, benevolent mother with a lot of life experience who could have helped me through some of those rough spots. So sometimes I think I try to give people what I wish I'd had. I think I'm also aware that if people don't offer my thoughts or advice I feel like I don't care. Maybe the fact that your DD just wants you to listen means that she feels strong enough and loved enough to work it out on her own and knows that if she makes a mistake you'll still be there for her? I don't think we had that as kids.
I don't think silence is an abusive thing when you yourself are dealing with an abusive person; I think in some cases it's the only way you can manage a situation without getting dragged back into it over and over again. I feel like I'm too tired these days to have to explain to someone something that seems blindingly obvious to me. I feel too tired for a lot of things these days :)
But in other news - boundary setting has carried on! I have a couple of birthdays coming up, a friend's husband and an unreliable friend, who I've mentioned before. I decided I was just going to buy each a small, inexpensive gift and not make a big deal out of it, simply because I'd rather have the money for myself and my son. The friend's husband I wouldn't be in touch with at all if it weren't for the friend and the unreliable friend is, well, unreliable and I can't be bothered to trapse around looking for the perfect gift for someone who hasn't bothered to phone for two months. Didn't feel guilty; in fact felt quite pleased that I managed to find something quickly and easily.
I went to start my little cleaning job this evening, got there only to be told the hours are much later than I had been led to believe so I said I couldn't do it. They tried to get me to change my mind but I said no and went home again and felt pleased that I haven't agreed to something that would become an absolute nightmare to do.
My sister had a reading done from a pic of me and her with our dad when we were little and sent me the info she was given; what a load of rubbish. Have told her, politely, that what she's been told is nothing like I remember. Haven't heard back from her but again am feeling content with myself for not agreeing to it all (it read like a fishing expedition to me, no information that made you think 'how could she have known that'; it was things like 'I think he's a relative - maybe a dad, or grandad, or uncle' - covering all the bases!
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Well I had no idea what a cicada was, and now that I've seen Hopsie's photo of one I'm not sure I want to meet one! They really look like giant hornets when they're on their backs. And they're too small to be the cicadas I'm familiar with..... the lovely spring green ones. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and my yard is shot full of more holes this morning after last night's rain. They just keep coming.
Lighter, I have a tendency to try and fix rather than just listen. Sometimes I think if you've been through a lot you end up with quite a lot of ideas about how to fix things and it's hard to keep them to yourself. I also wonder if mine is to compensate for the fact that no-one tried to fix anything for me when I was younger so I had to work it all out on my own. I've often wondered what it would have been like if I'd had a wise, caring, benevolent mother with a lot of life experience who could have helped me through some of those rough spots. So sometimes I think I try to give people what I wish I'd had. I think I'm also aware that if people don't offer my thoughts or advice I feel like I don't care. Maybe the fact that your DD just wants you to listen means that she feels strong enough and loved enough to work it out on her own and knows that if she makes a mistake you'll still be there for her? I don't think we had that as kids. I think I filled a role for my mother.... and so did my sister.... that we became the keeper of her emotions at the expense of our own individual feelings. We're both problem solvers for others and doing doing doing for others. It's time to stop, and observe this, as we can, and just stop, IME. Without judgement, and without becoming overwhelmed... just to sit. I don't know if my sister can do that, but I'm certainly trying.
I don't think silence is an abusive thing when you yourself are dealing with an abusive person; I think in some cases it's the only way you can manage a situation without getting dragged back into it over and over again. I feel like I'm too tired these days to have to explain to someone something that seems blindingly obvious to me. I feel too tired for a lot of things these days :) I think I've figured out some deeper dynamics, within my FOO, to offer some helpful, or potentially helpful information, as I withdrawal in some of the relationships. I don't have to be silent.... I can speak my piece, and not feel the desire to explain, but just give information. Then I'll have to be careful about getting hooked into conversations that aren't productive, which will bring more growth as I see it.
But in other news - boundary setting has carried on! I have a couple of birthdays coming up, a friend's husband and an unreliable friend, who I've mentioned before. I decided I was just going to buy each a small, inexpensive gift and not make a big deal out of it, simply because I'd rather have the money for myself and my son. The friend's husband I wouldn't be in touch with at all if it weren't for the friend and the unreliable friend is, well, unreliable and I can't be bothered to trapse around looking for the perfect gift for someone who hasn't bothered to phone for two months. Didn't feel guilty; in fact felt quite pleased that I managed to find something quickly and easily.It's the feeling pleased about it that's so triumphant, IME. When it all makes sense, and you have peace with it.... THEN you've grown beyond DOING DOING DOING to feel OK?
I heard something the other day..... "Don't just DO SOMETHING, Sit there." I loved it as it references breaking our cycles, and habits. You didn't sit, you purchased gifts appropriate to the relationship AND took care of yourself and your son FIRST this time.
I went to start my little cleaning job this evening, got there only to be told the hours are much later than I had been led to believe so I said I couldn't do it. They tried to get me to change my mind but I said no and went home again and felt pleased that I haven't agreed to something that would become an absolute nightmare to do. I feel like you're triumphantly riding a bucking bronco, and keeping your seat as you enforce simple boundaries, and feel no regret! YES! Go Tupp: )
My sister had a reading done from a pic of me and her with our dad when we were little and sent me the info she was given; what a load of rubbish. Have told her, politely, that what she's been told is nothing like I remember. Haven't heard back from her but again am feeling content with myself for not agreeing to it all (it read like a fishing expedition to me, no information that made you think 'how could she have known that'; it was things like 'I think he's a relative - maybe a dad, or grandad, or uncle' - covering all the bases! I remember a good friend of mine giving advice to me...... "Consider the source, and dismiss." It was very good advice.
I recently had a friend send a pic of me and my girls for a reading.... sort of voo doo stuff...... and the outcome was that I was cursed, and my children were not. Real or not, it feels that way sometimes, though I can clearly see how my choices are at the heart of things, rather than any curse. Light/color]
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Choices are funny though, aren't they? I look back at some of my choices and they weren't the best ones to make but given everything that had happened before they were probably the most likely. I do wonder how much is free will and how much we are influenced by things that have gone before - which kind of means someone else made those choices for us. It's the sort of thing that ties my head in knots :)
I did apologise to Sis; when I read back what I'd messaged her (in relation to the reading) it was quite insensitive. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and a crappy day so that had made me less aware of someone else's feelings than I would usually be. So I did apologise and she was fine about it and said she hadn't thought it was that great either. There are some blessings to text, at least you've actually got it in front of you so you can see what you said rather than getting your memory muddled up :)
Observing and trying to just accept and let it be is something I find difficult. I was thinking today that the thing I find really difficult with regards to my son is that he'll probably never be able to live completely independently, and I know the thought of leaving him without provision really scares me. I do find myself constantly trying to put things in place for the future whilst knowing it's pretty impossible to do that. Not too sure how to get around that, other than continuing to try and make him as independent as possible while I can.
I did think this morning that I feel pulled in many different directions and find it difficult to attend to all the different parts of my life. There's the spiritual, internal development part of myself and the fun loving, let's just enjoy ourselves part of me, that I feel is very undernourished. There's the mum trying to make provision for the future, mum trying to be a mum in the here and now, mum trying to deal with doctors and other public sector agencies. Then there's the every day stuff, housework, gardening, laundry and so on, the daily juggle with money and trying to work out ways to change things in the future. I always seem to feel that if I pay enough attention to one area then everything else seems to slide. Does anyone else feel like that? And if so, how do you manage it?
I am having a nice, quiet day today, no rushing about, I did a nice meditation this morning, I've been tidying the flat and sorting out little bits of paperwork whilst talking to the cat. I do enjoy quiet days where there's no urgent need to do things, you can just potter and do a little bit of what you fancy.
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Hi Tupp:
You're such a good mom. I wish you and your son had more family support than you do. On that note, I'm glad you patched things over with your sis if it made you feel better. The important part, IMO, was that you expressed your feelings, which you're entitled to do. YES yes yes.... no need to feel guilty. People will just have to get used to it.
::nodding::
Honestly, nobody multi tasks perfectly. Everyone lets something slide if they're doing something really well, IME.
Sometimes I think those who move constantly.... without relenting.... are people running from something... being chased. Everyone has things they need to do, or wish they could do better. Clutter and paperwork happen to be easier to spot.
In 100 years... will a bit of clutter and undone paperwork matter? I think not.
(((Tupp))) It's OK to pay more attention to your feelings than other adult's, IMO. It might feel weird, or wrong, but..... it's OK.
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
You're such a good mom. I wish you and your son had more family support than you do. On that note, I'm glad you patched things over with your sis if it made you feel better. The important part, IMO, was that you expressed your feelings, which you're entitled to do. YES yes yes.... no need to feel guilty. People will just have to get used to it.
::nodding::
Honestly, nobody multi tasks perfectly. Everyone lets something slide if they're doing something really well, IME.
Sometimes I think those who move constantly.... without relenting.... are people running from something... being chased. Everyone has things they need to do, or wish they could do better. Clutter and paperwork happen to be easier to spot.
In 100 years... will a bit of clutter and undone paperwork matter? I think not.
(((Tupp))) It's OK to pay more attention to your feelings than other adult's, IMO. It might feel weird, or wrong, but..... it's OK.
Lighter
Yep, I felt apologising was the right thing, I was insensitive and as much as I want to speak my mind and stop being a people pleaser, I equally don't want to turn into a complete arsehole that tramples over people without caring so I felt like I got the balance right there :)
The rest of the week has been a nightmare, though, I have been soooo tired and feel awful, very achy and lethargic and I've done something hideous to my back so it's really sore. We've had another problem with the hospital that has caused yet more delay and I just had a meltdown earlier. I am so sick of having to do so much work because other people aren't doing what they're paid to do, and sick of tidying up other people's mess. We just don't have an option to cut these people out because there's really nowhere else to go but the stress they are causing is doing more harm to me than they will do good for him, I feel. I have also found myself begrudging other people's news and not wanting to listen to people talking about their holidays and nights out because I'm fed up with never getting either. So it's not been a great week, I've stomped about in a bad mood and collapsed on the sofa frequently. I've absolutely no energy for anything at the moment. I did go for acupuncture yesterday so I'm hoping I will start to feel better soon but at the moment I just want to curl up in a corner and never move again.
In other news, we've had a lot of rain and when I went out to cut the grass this morning the garden had exploded! Everything has grown so much, and not in a good way! It's very overgrown now but I'm going to leave cutting things back until the autumn when everything starts to die off. For now I'm just concentrating on keeping the grass under control and working on the van; they're my two main objectives for the moment. Then I want to get on with decorating the flat and I'll save the garden until last.
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Tupp:
About the apology to your sister... it takes practice to get the balance right, and you're bravely taking up that quest. The more you do it, the less alarming it will likely feel.
I know how frustrating it is to pay people to do their jobs, and find they're not only NOT doing their jobs, but sabotaging you.... actually harming children they're supposed to be helping. I wish I could say something uplifting, but there's only perseverance and doing everything you can to get the best possible outcome...... and then releasing expectation.
You can't do more than you can do. You can't. You can't control those bastages in positions of authority and control over you and your son's care..... you can only slog through paperwork, and phone calls, then follow up. Speak calmly, and stick to the important things. You know this drill better than anyone, IME. You'll do your best, and make peace with it somehow, bc that's all you can do.
About feeling lethargic and achy.... me too. What IS that? My hips, which normally never hurt. My shoulders, which only hurt when I eat wheat typically...... my knees..... which usually don't bug me at all...... and my toes, which usually DO bug me are fine. Maybe it's the warm weather, and breaking out sandals? Different shoes? I know I've started back with supplements, and eat more gf bread than normal lately, but.... it's concerning.
If you have lower back trouble, lay on the floor or stand against the wall and try tilting your pelvis upwards.... little micro movements up, then back flat, and up again. It's hard to stretch those muscles, but that helps me sometimes. Better to try in private; ) SO looks like dirty dancing, lol.
I'm not getting everything on my to do list done, but I'm steadily getting big things done that take a lot of time. Laundering all the quilts for the back porch, and all the beds, and guest sleeping spaces..... fresh and lovely.
I've been re reading parenting books I read when dd16 initially went into the Wilderness Program. It's encouraging to find my comprehension has improved a good deal. Sometimes I can't believe they're the same books.... like I'm reading them with a different brain, if that makes sense.
I hope your back feels better soon. Working in the garden likely does your soul good, as does being out in nature.
Lighter
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Two a penny.....your right a child with cerebral palsy and a N mother not a good fit.....and I wonder why God would aline such a duo? makes no sense to me at all. OMG being physically normal and a N mother is sick enough to ruin your life forever. He could not talk....walk or feed himself. He had no control over any part of his body. My dad was very good to him.....and my dad really was mom and dad all in one.....but he was a jumper for my mother and she took advantage of my dad......so I never learned I could say NO to my mother because my dad had no say in anything.
My grandmother died at age 87 but she was in bed the last 3 years of her life......my dad got sick with melanoma and was given 3 months to live ....after my dad died my brother lost all interest to live with my NM taking care of him. He went to skin and bones and died 5 months after my dad. And my grandmother died the month after my brother. My dad was 51 when he died, my brother 24 and grandmother 87....my NM went to live to 100 and she was such a asshole...the old saying is true sometimes the good die young??
My NM was a like a bird.....free to do all the things she never did before.....but in that she blamed so much on me...she became meaner then I ever saw her.....because her husband wasn't there to wipe her ass.....he told me before he died to take care of her.....I wish he didn't do that to me.....but he was caught in my mother's spider nest.
I don't know about any of your ladies....but I never ever had a normal day in childhood.....my therapist said I don't ever know what normal is? or how normal acts? some of my kids that got caught in my mother's nest too are not nice to me.
My oldest daughter oldest daughter who just graduated from college......my daughter invited me to graduation and then uninvited me??? it has been very painful these past few days.....my mothers died 5 years next month and I feel like her legacy goes on.....
sadly Bettyanne......
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Tupp:
About the apology to your sister... it takes practice to get the balance right, and you're bravely taking up that quest. The more you do it, the less alarming it will likely feel.
I know how frustrating it is to pay people to do their jobs, and find they're not only NOT doing their jobs, but sabotaging you.... actually harming children they're supposed to be helping. I wish I could say something uplifting, but there's only perseverance and doing everything you can to get the best possible outcome...... and then releasing expectation.
You can't do more than you can do. You can't. You can't control those bastages in positions of authority and control over you and your son's care..... you can only slog through paperwork, and phone calls, then follow up. Speak calmly, and stick to the important things. You know this drill better than anyone, IME. You'll do your best, and make peace with it somehow, bc that's all you can do.
About feeling lethargic and achy.... me too. What IS that? My hips, which normally never hurt. My shoulders, which only hurt when I eat wheat typically...... my knees..... which usually don't bug me at all...... and my toes, which usually DO bug me are fine. Maybe it's the warm weather, and breaking out sandals? Different shoes? I know I've started back with supplements, and eat more gf bread than normal lately, but.... it's concerning.
If you have lower back trouble, lay on the floor or stand against the wall and try tilting your pelvis upwards.... little micro movements up, then back flat, and up again. It's hard to stretch those muscles, but that helps me sometimes. Better to try in private; ) SO looks like dirty dancing, lol.
I'm not getting everything on my to do list done, but I'm steadily getting big things done that take a lot of time. Laundering all the quilts for the back porch, and all the beds, and guest sleeping spaces..... fresh and lovely.
I've been re reading parenting books I read when dd16 initially went into the Wilderness Program. It's encouraging to find my comprehension has improved a good deal. Sometimes I can't believe they're the same books.... like I'm reading them with a different brain, if that makes sense.
I hope your back feels better soon. Working in the garden likely does your soul good, as does being out in nature.
Lighter
Yes to all of that, Lighter! I'm wondering for me if all the aches and pains and generally feeling blurgh are anything to do with menopause? I've definitely been having other symptoms so I'm wondering if it's all connected together. But also I think (with me) it's a lot to do with boredom, in the sense that I spend so much time doing things I've already done, like chasing up doctors and trying to sort out appointments and read up on stuff for my son, when I want to be rolling down a big hill without a care in the world and basking in the sunshine at the bottom (although with my back at the moment that probably isn't a good idea, lol). The dirty dancing moves sound fun enough to try with or without back pain, at the mo I feel like I've pulled a muscle on one side and maybe trapped the nerve as well, it's very painful when I move but I also get a sharp shooting pain at times all the way down my leg and up to my neck as well. I've been doing some veeeeery gentle yoga for back pain and it is easing off so hopefully on the road to recovery.
And yes, people working hard to stop you doing the best you can by your kids - what is that about? We are slowly getting there, other doctors that I've contacted are being helpful, the GP is doing what she can to help, someone very kindly offered to help me with the admin - it's a bit too complicated a situation to get someone else involved, to be honest, by the time I explain what needs doing I could do it myself but it was lovely to have the offer and that alone helped. My son is doing better in himself, I have realised that I am scared of him relapsing because I don't feel I could cope at the minute. So some of the problem is my anxiety but, as I said to someone yesterday, it's well founded anxiety. I'm really struggling now so I'm not willing to start pushing him until I've got some support in place in case things get harder.
Are you still being dive bombed by cicadas? :)
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Two a penny.....your right a child with cerebral palsy and a N mother not a good fit.....and I wonder why God would aline such a duo? makes no sense to me at all. OMG being physically normal and a N mother is sick enough to ruin your life forever. He could not talk....walk or feed himself. He had no control over any part of his body. My dad was very good to him.....and my dad really was mom and dad all in one.....but he was a jumper for my mother and she took advantage of my dad......so I never learned I could say NO to my mother because my dad had no say in anything.
My grandmother died at age 87 but she was in bed the last 3 years of her life......my dad got sick with melanoma and was given 3 months to live ....after my dad died my brother lost all interest to live with my NM taking care of him. He went to skin and bones and died 5 months after my dad. And my grandmother died the month after my brother. My dad was 51 when he died, my brother 24 and grandmother 87....my NM went to live to 100 and she was such a asshole...the old saying is true sometimes the good die young??
My NM was a like a bird.....free to do all the things she never did before.....but in that she blamed so much on me...she became meaner then I ever saw her.....because her husband wasn't there to wipe her ass.....he told me before he died to take care of her.....I wish he didn't do that to me.....but he was caught in my mother's spider nest.
I don't know about any of your ladies....but I never ever had a normal day in childhood.....my therapist said I don't ever know what normal is? or how normal acts? some of my kids that got caught in my mother's nest too are not nice to me.
My oldest daughter oldest daughter who just graduated from college......my daughter invited me to graduation and then uninvited me??? it has been very painful these past few days.....my mothers died 5 years next month and I feel like her legacy goes on.....
sadly Bettyanne......
So much loss, Bettyanne, so many people so close together like that, it's a horrible state of affairs.
Yes, my first therapist explained to me that my perception of 'normal' was very different to most people's as we grew up with totally different boundaries and priorities to most other people, which then paved the way for all sorts of problems as an adult. I had no idea that any of what I'd been through was abusive, either, I remember my T, many years ago, talking about how I'd had this abusive childhood and been neglected and so on and I thought she's muddled me up with another patient! And being the people pleaser that I was I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset her. It wasn't until she cited specific examples that I realised she was talking about me, and at that point I said "do you mean my childhood was abusive? I thought you were talking about someone else". She gave me this real look of, I don't know, empathy? And just nodded her head and said, yes, I was talking about you. You had an abusive childhood. You were neglected and emotionally abused. Someone framing it like that suddenly made a lot of things make sense, I think it was a real turning point for me.
I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your D and hope that gets sorted out soon? It is an enduring legacy, unfortunately :( x
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Bettyanne,
I'm so sorry. I would be very hurt, too.
I can hear how heavy your heart is right now.
You carry so many hard memories.
How can you invite yourself back into the present?
What are some things you might do every day to love yourself?
I'm really sorry it's been so hard.
Hops
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Wow....Twoapenny.....OMG being through abuse and thinking your T was talking about someone else!!! How sad is that...I knew nothing felt good to me from my NM and her mother....but my dad was kind but he was also from a abusive family or dysfunctional family both fit. My dad's family totally unkind people. My dad told me his dad had broken a broom stick over his back and hurt his mother because she was trying to protect him. I think my dad didn't see anything wrong with my mother because of what he came from. Abusive is abuse is abuse....on top of dysfunctional people.
I knew NM had something wrong with her when I would go to friends homes. The other mothers cooked and cleaned their homes and even went to the grocery store to buy food. Mine hated to do any of what I mentioned but acted like she was so smart because she was a secretary to men at Travelers Insurance Co. I figured out she worked for minimum wage and had a eighth grade education with a year of business school. Considering her mother went to 3 reader in Ireland she was brilliant. I was told from my a cousin on my father's side they considered her brilliant. OMG
It truly takes a lifetime and with NM dying at 100 she went the whole 9 yards....and it was like she knew it too!!
Thank you so much for your kind responses......Bettyanne
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I'm going through a really odd phase of wanting to go and apologise to my mum so that she'll like me again. It was a common pattern when I was a child. I'd upset her in some way, she wouldn't speak to me for days and would show very strongly how disappointed she was in me, I'd grovel and be nice with a capital N and eventually she'd relent and be nice to me. I can still remember the relief I used to feel when she gave in and ended the seige, and I find I'm longing for that relief now. It's not something I will act on, obviously, and I wondered if it means the anger I feel is finally dissipating (as I generally find with me that once my anger subsides I find there is sorrow and sadness underneath it).
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Wow....Twoapenny.....OMG being through abuse and thinking your T was talking about someone else!!! How sad is that...I knew nothing felt good to me from my NM and her mother....but my dad was kind but he was also from a abusive family or dysfunctional family both fit. My dad's family totally unkind people. My dad told me his dad had broken a broom stick over his back and hurt his mother because she was trying to protect him. I think my dad didn't see anything wrong with my mother because of what he came from. Abusive is abuse is abuse....on top of dysfunctional people.
I knew NM had something wrong with her when I would go to friends homes. The other mothers cooked and cleaned their homes and even went to the grocery store to buy food. Mine hated to do any of what I mentioned but acted like she was so smart because she was a secretary to men at Travelers Insurance Co. I figured out she worked for minimum wage and had a eighth grade education with a year of business school. Considering her mother went to 3 reader in Ireland she was brilliant. I was told from my a cousin on my father's side they considered her brilliant. OMG
It truly takes a lifetime and with NM dying at 100 she went the whole 9 yards....and it was like she knew it too!!
Thank you so much for your kind responses......Bettyanne
Yes I know, it seems funny now to think of it but at the time I really thought she was talking about someone else.
It's interesting what you say about your mum's work and her being thought brilliant because it was more than her mum had achieved, because I've often wondered how much the generational changes play a part in this, in the way that education and opportunities were so much more lacking for so many in times gone past. I know that my mum's generation were just expected to get married and you got your status through your husband and how much money he earnt, basically. Similarly with education, here in the UK there was no question of working class women going into higher education, they did their basic schooling and then went to be nurses or secretaries and that was pretty much the only choice (or cleaning ladies, that was the other one). I do wonder how much resentment and bitterness that must have caused in people.
Your dad's upbringing sounds horrible and it sort of makes sense that someone who experienced physical abuse wouldn't see verbal or behavioural stuff as abusive, if you see what I mean, they're used to something much more direct and immediate. It's very sad :(
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I've had one of those lightbulb moments again. I've complained many times about friends not being good friends and not supporting me and so on, and how much it's hurt me etc etc. I've been thinking about it a lot, in the sense that I needed to stop thinking about it, if that makes sense, lol, I kept wondering why it's bothered me so much and why I couldn't shake it off.
I asked myself this morning whether I'd have been friends with most of those people if my life had taken a different turn - if I hadn't had my son in the circumstances I did, if he hadn't been disabled, if I'd followed my chosen career path instead of giving it up and so on. And the answer, in almost every case, was no. I have, for many years, been thinking that there must be a reason that things have happened the way they have, and it must be that I'm supposed to be in this situation for whatever reason, and so these people are part of that. But I woke up this morning and thought, that's just nonsense. I'm not happy and it is down to me to change the situation rather than accepting it and trying to be happy within it.
I'm not the sort of person that frets over certain things making me happy - clothes, how my hair looks, whether I got my nails done, that sort of thing. But I am definitely very affected by the lack of things in my life and I think I've been too complacent in accepting my situation and trying to be happy within it (and by default, being happy with friends who I wouldn't have in my life if I hadn't ended up living here on a low income, quite honestly). It feels like a weight off my shoulders and I'm wondering, as always, why it's taken me so long to see it.
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I find I'm longing for that relief now. It's not something I will act on, obviously, and I wondered if it means the anger I feel is finally dissipating (as I generally find with me that once my anger subsides I find there is sorrow and sadness underneath it). (http://I find I'm longing for that relief now. It's not something I will act on, obviously, and I wondered if it means the anger I feel is finally dissipating (as I generally find with me that once my anger subsides I find there is sorrow and sadness underneath it).)
I think that is so perceptive and mature, Tupp. It really helps, imo, to see the sorrow beneath anger. Just seems to be a more seasoned understanding of your own humanity -- even hers. So glad you won't act on it, but so impressed that you can own the feelings. Without them becoming impulses you act on.
(And heck YEAH you deserve some kindly, maternal love! If it has to be self love, it takes more effort, I know. But at least you are identifying and respecting your own longings and needs. Good for you. It does feel sad, to touch those childhood hurts. But it's also okay. That was then and wow, where you have gotten to....)
I've been having a funny experience with two old ladies I'm also working for now, intermittently. They are both very sweet (though one's a mixed bag) and always inquiring after me, delighted by every anecdote I share, insisting I eat pie, calingl me dear (one calls out "I love you!" every time I leave). They are starved to be with a younger person and it's ironic. Here I am at 67 being the "child" in moments to doting people in their 90s. Suddenly at this age, I'm experiencing maternal attention that's much more affectionate than my own mother was capable of.
?What the heck! I guess you're never too old for your inner child to receive some of what she needs....
I hope you'll practice steadily on loving your inner girl, and that soon 3D others will appear in your life who offer love, too. Meanwhile, here's some love from me!
xxoo
Hops
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Aw thank you, Hops, for the kind words and the love, always much appreciated :)
I do like the idea of your ladies mothering you a bit, it is nice to get affection and genuine pleasure from people. Always nice to feel wanted :)
I've had a funny couple of days, I feel a bit like I'm sort of shedding some stuff? It's hard to put a clear description on but I had the funny thing about wanting to apologise to my mum, and this last couple of days I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't. I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot. What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what. And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic. It had me in a bit of a spin but I have done pretty well with some yoga and a nice walk rather than mountains of biscuits.
I met up with an old school friend today, we've recently got back in touch after twenty five years of not knowing where the other one was and something was just tingling my antennae. I can't quite put my finger on it but I came away feeling a little bit out of sorts and wondering if another foray into the past is a good idea. Quite possibly not.
Lots of love to you too, Hopsie (and pooch!) xx
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Hi Tupp:
If the friend was a positive person, with good memories attached, then consider re connecting perhaps.
If thing aren't super friendly, and feel just right.... perhaps not.
It seems like it's one more contact to inform your FOO about where you are, and what you're doing... even if it's by accident, IME.
Really ask yourself... if this feels good and right, and positive.
It's OK to say NO to people who show up at the wrong time or aren't what you really need in your life, etc. It's OK to ask for more, and expect more from people (((Tupp.)))
Don't ask, don't get, IME.
Lighter
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Hi Tupp:
If the friend was a positive person, with good memories attached, then consider re connecting perhaps.
If thing aren't super friendly, and feel just right.... perhaps not.
It seems like it's one more contact to inform your FOO about where you are, and what you're doing... even if it's by accident, IME.
Really ask yourself... if this feels good and right, and positive.
It's OK to say NO to people who show up at the wrong time or aren't what you really need in your life, etc. It's OK to ask for more, and expect more from people (((Tupp.)))
Don't ask, don't get, IME.
Lighter
Hi Lighter, yep, it was a funny one. I've met her three times, the first two occasions were so lovely, I was really excited because I felt like I could make a new friend. Last time she was like a different person, seemed quite hostile to the world and made several 'jokes' at my expense. I love banter and I'm not a shrinking violet myself when it comes to jokes but I've become finely tuned over the years and I know the difference between a joke and a dig and my antennae were pinging. But it was very different to how she'd been the previous times so may have just been a bad day. I think I'm going to meet up with her again and see how it goes. If the most recent visit is a sign of things to come then I will avoid :) Kind of feel alright about it as well - sort of more relieved that I can see it coming quicker now? In the past I've found myself very enmeshed with someone before I've realised I'm in a pattern again, now it seems to come quicker :) How are things with you? x
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My unvarnished, not-awake-yet response, fwiw:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Doesn't mean I'm correct in this instance but I do believe that the
FIRST "dig" or "joke at your expense" IS NOT 'HAVING A BAD DAY.'
It's the person showing you who they are.
As Maya Angelou said, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them."
Maybe it's your healthy functioning spidey sense, Tupp.
Don't go rationalizing it away, eh?
I could be wrong, of course, but hope you won't either feel paranoid if you decide to continue
to see this person, or feel guilty if you decide to avoid building a possibly hurtful friendship.
I'm totally confident you'll sort it out.
Hugs
Hops
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My unvarnished, not-awake-yet response, fwiw:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Doesn't mean I'm correct in this instance but I do believe that the
FIRST "dig" or "joke at your expense" IS NOT 'HAVING A BAD DAY.'
It's the person showing you who they are.
As Maya Angelou said, "When a person tells you who they are, believe them."
Maybe it's your healthy functioning spidey sense, Tupp.
Don't go rationalizing it away, eh?
I could be wrong, of course, but hope you won't either feel paranoid if you decide to continue
to see this person, or feel guilty if you decide to avoid building a possibly hurtful friendship.
I'm totally confident you'll sort it out.
Hugs
Hops
Lol, Hops you are so funny when you're in 'direct speaking' mode :)
In all honesty I suspect I am seeing her as she really is and that the previous occasions were different because she was making more of an effort. But having said that I've been feeling pretty crabby and spiky lately hence my benefit of the doubt approach. But it's fine either way. I am going to meet up with her again and I'm quite interested in how that goes. If it doesn't go well then I won't feel bad about not taking it further. If it does turn out it was just an off day then fair enough. I'll see what happens. But all good either way. It feels quite nice because I feel like I've kind of taken the risk to get to know someone (I know I knew her at school but who you are at fifteen can be very different to who you are at 45 so it feels like getting to know someone now) but gone into it with an open mind and if it isn't right, it will be no more. I will keep you all updated! Thank you xx
PS I love Maya Angelou! :)
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I agree with Hops here.....
never make the first excuse for someone's bad behavior.
That goes doubly if it's pointed AT you, IME.
If you have to see her again, you could let her know that you weren't comfortable with the digs, and you can't be friends if it happens again.
Or not; )
Lighter
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I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't. I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot. What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what. And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.
I visit that "what if" place all the time. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I can't help thinking about it, almost obsessing over it. I know, without a doubt, that my life would have been SO much different if I had been allowed to develop normally, encouraged to pursue my talents, allowed to take the music and drama classes I wanted instead of the chemistry classes I was forced into, taught proper social skills, and like you, given the self-respect to hold out for normal love rather than settling for whatever came along, even if it were toxic.
I look back on my early career and am so envious of my "normal" co-workers who were raised in fuctional households. They all went to college after high school, and were hired into good jobs at the studio, while I slogged away in the mailroom, waiting until I was 30 years old before I could afford to send myself to college. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, I feel like I have a right to mourn the life I was denied. A stronger person could have gotten past most of those obstacles, but when you're tossed out at 18 with no self-esteem, underdeveloped social skills, and various other emotional issues ...well, I just never had a chance. Did any of us? I'm guessing, probably not.
I never thought about this when I was younger, but now in my fifties, with my career behind me, that sense of grief is very real.
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I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't. I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot. What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what. And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.
I visit that "what if" place all the time. Maybe it's unhealthy, but I can't help thinking about it, almost obsessing over it. I know, without a doubt, that my life would have been SO much different if I had been allowed to develop normally, encouraged to pursue my talents, allowed to take the music and drama classes I wanted instead of the chemistry classes I was forced into, taught proper social skills, and like you, given the self-respect to hold out for normal love rather than settling for whatever came along, even if it were toxic.
I look back on my early career and am so envious of my "normal" co-workers who were raised in fuctional households. They all went to college after high school, and were hired into good jobs at the studio, while I slogged away in the mailroom, waiting until I was 30 years old before I could afford to send myself to college. I don't want to wallow in self-pity, but at the same time, I feel like I have a right to mourn the life I was denied. A stronger person could have gotten past most of those obstacles, but when you're tossed out at 18 with no self-esteem, underdeveloped social skills, and various other emotional issues ...well, I just never had a chance. Did any of us? I'm guessing, probably not.
I never thought about this when I was younger, but now in my fifties, with my career behind me, that sense of grief is very real.
It's a fine line, isn't it, between looking back and allowing yourself to grieve and wonder but at the same time not wallowing or allowing it to hold you back now - where's the line between the two? I do find it difficult. The other thing that always strikes me is that having difficulties in life, whatever they are, takes up a lot of time and energy, so you've worked as hard as someone else who had an easier time, but they get ahead faster because what they're working on takes them forward whereas what we work on just brings us up to functioning. That's something I struggle with at times.
I remember when Friends Reunited first came out (do you have that in the States?) that I swopped 'what you up to' stories with someone in my year at school and her life was so much happier, fuller and healthier than mine. She didn't have the qualifications that I do, she hadn't worked the sort of hours that I had, she hadn't overcome addiction problems the way I had but despite the fact I'd worked so hard I still felt my life was so empty compared to hers, because she'd married this great guy, they both had lovely families, everything was very supportive and so they'd built a really nice life. I'm quite sure there would have been problems and difficulties along the way but it's just a different ball park. I do try not to compare myself to other people all the time (and however bad your situation is there's always someone much, much worse off) but there have been and are times that it sort of hits me that I have to run constantly just to stand still whilst others just sort of roll out of bed in the morning and things go well for them.
Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy? I'm aware that some opportunities have passed but I'm trying to give myself the encouragement that no-one else did now. I can't see myself becoming a professional musician but it would be nice to be able to hold a tune again :) I think perhaps I've spent too much time focusing on people (and whether they like me or are in my life) and maybe I ought to be focusing more on hobbies or achievements, even if they're just achievements for me, rather than being things other people would see as achievements, if that make sense?
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I am learning so much from these Very Old People I see every day...really giving me perspective (and warning). I completely understand the grief for the Life Not Lived or the Love Not Found. I was stuck in that for quite a while. And I'd better watch out or I'll do another round, especially in winter.
My hope now is to do everything I possibly can to embrace the present, with all its reality. I believe with all my heart and mind that in the present, if we stop comparing ourselves to hypothetical futures that can never happen...is the Only Possible Location Of Fulfillment.
The present. What you do, how you feel (and how you manage the seductive urge to ruminate), what possibilities (however reduced) are in front of you now, which present themselves as choices now, are within your grasp now.
If you invest your present with meaning, and are open to fulfillment happening now, that's when it becomes possible. For me, feeling that grief so fully (and repeatedly) finally began to actually bore me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life bitter about what came before, I really did NOT. So that released me from its grip. I stopped comparing myself to others (there are moments, but overall), learned more about mindfulness, and found that happiness is actually, most of all, a decision.
The old people are showing me that. One is bitter, complains, and belittles others. Another is funny, kind and takes pleasure in simple things. A third focuses intensely every day on what she is grateful for. She means it. She is literally transported by the beauty of a tree, the sky, or a porch-side visit from a cardinal. She allows beauty to enter her. She laughs at every opportunity.
(With one kidney and a failing heart. She expresses joy and gratitude for beauty in the present.)
The shape of dreams changes, but the capacity to dream dreams...is always within us.
My ex-H, a sculptor, once said to me, "I hate big houses. I'd much rather have a tiny house and make it into a jewel."
That's always stayed with me. And I think the same thing applies to the Lives Not Lived and the Opportunities Others Got and the Family I Didn't Have.
When you turn that corner, and throw away the list of disappointments, it's a new world. Maybe a smaller, less grandiose one. But if you're still in it, it's a good world.
love,
Hops
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I am learning so much from these Very Old People I see every day...really giving me perspective (and warning). I completely understand the grief for the Life Not Lived or the Love Not Found. I was stuck in that for quite a while. And I'd better watch out or I'll do another round, especially in winter.
My hope now is to do everything I possibly can to embrace the present, with all its reality. I believe with all my heart and mind that in the present, if we stop comparing ourselves to hypothetical futures that can never happen...is the Only Possible Location Of Fulfillment.
The present. What you do, how you feel (and how you manage the seductive urge to ruminate), what possibilities (however reduced) are in front of you now, which present themselves as choices now, are within your grasp now.
If you invest your present with meaning, and are open to fulfillment happening now, that's when it becomes possible. For me, feeling that grief so fully (and repeatedly) finally began to actually bore me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life bitter about what came before, I really did NOT. So that released me from its grip. I stopped comparing myself to others (there are moments, but overall), learned more about mindfulness, and found that happiness is actually, most of all, a decision.
The old people are showing me that. One is bitter, complains, and belittles others. Another is funny, kind and takes pleasure in simple things. A third focuses intensely every day on what she is grateful for. She means it. She is literally transported by the beauty of a tree, the sky, or a porch-side visit from a cardinal. She allows beauty to enter her. She laughs at every opportunity.
(With one kidney and a failing heart. She expresses joy and gratitude for beauty in the present.)
The shape of dreams changes, but the capacity to dream dreams...is always within us.
My ex-H, a sculptor, once said to me, "I hate big houses. I'd much rather have a tiny house and make it into a jewel."
That's always stayed with me. And I think the same thing applies to the Lives Not Lived and the Opportunities Others Got and the Family I Didn't Have.
When you turn that corner, and throw away the list of disappointments, it's a new world. Maybe a smaller, less grandiose one. But if you're still in it, it's a good world.
love,
Hops
Yes that's true, Hops, it's the see sawing back and forth that's difficult, isn't it? I go through phases where everythings okay, then it sweeps up from somewhere and I suddenly feel bereft or very resentful (or both!). Part of the healing process, I suppose. I go through it with my son as well - there are times when I can't listen to other people talking about all the things their kids are doing because I suddenly feel sad/angry/upset that my son can't do all of those things. Other times it's not a problem at all and I'm genuinely delighted for them, but I suppose that's the nature of feelings and emotions (and actually, probably something I didn't learn in childhood. My mum liked Stepford wife type children around her, no problems, no emotions, just vacant smiles that didn't require attention.)
The getting older part of life is on my mind a lot these days and I very desperately don't want to become bitter and constantly critical of others. Equally I don't want to endlessly pretend I'm happy if I'm not. It's an odd pattern in life for me, peaks and troughs. I go through phases where, however hard I try, I don't find pleasure in small, every day things. Sometimes the resentment's too strong. But then other times it goes and I'm back to being able to enjoy the moon or a bright sunny day or my friendly neighbours.
I like the idea of making a tiny home into a jewel :)
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I get it. Me too.
Easy to preach "accept, age with grace, find dignity in what is" and especially troublesome (for me too) to actually practice what's preached, as in ..."let it gooooooooooooo."
I am the Queen Champion Reigning Empress of NOT Letting Go.
Losing my beloved D really genuinely kicked the stuffing out of me, because if I didn't eventually let it go, I think I would've sunk into lifetime depression, some form of grief-madness, or both. Plus probably alcoholism.
It's still hard and I don't think it'd be realistic of me to expect that waves of grief or loss or regret would go away. I shouldn't describe it as though I have achieved that. I think all I've really gotten to is that I vehemently don't want to be as unhappy as I was so intensely for so many years. It began to feel not just depressing or sad, but dangerous. Dangerous to be in that much pain for that long.
Gained weight, drank too much for a time, hair began falling out, and dark o' night questions like, What is the purpose of my life... began sirening away. I think the Very Old People are bringing me back to life. Partly because they need me, but also because they give me someone to love and help.
So whatever experience I can call on to steer me away from the ledge, I'm calling on!
(And I'm contemplating renewing the Geezer Hunt. Who knows?)
love,
Hops
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I get it. Me too.
Easy to preach "accept, age with grace, find dignity in what is" and especially troublesome (for me too) to actually practice what's preached, as in ..."let it gooooooooooooo."
I am the Queen Champion Reigning Empress of NOT Letting Go.
Losing my beloved D really genuinely kicked the stuffing out of me, because if I didn't eventually let it go, I think I would've sunk into lifetime depression, some form of grief-madness, or both. Plus probably alcoholism.
It's still hard and I don't think it'd be realistic of me to expect that waves of grief or loss or regret would go away. I shouldn't describe it as though I have achieved that. I think all I've really gotten to is that I vehemently don't want to be as unhappy as I was so intensely for so many years. It began to feel not just depressing or sad, but dangerous. Dangerous to be in that much pain for that long.
Gained weight, drank too much for a time, hair began falling out, and dark o' night questions like, What is the purpose of my life... began sirening away. I think the Very Old People are bringing me back to life. Partly because they need me, but also because they give me someone to love and help.
So whatever experience I can call on to steer me away from the ledge, I'm calling on!
(And I'm contemplating renewing the Geezer Hunt. Who knows?)
love,
Hops
I think 'The Geezer Hunt' has blog written all over it :)
Yes, it's the knowledge and the yearning, I think, I don't think anyone would really choose misery and emptiness over joy and happiness but it is hard to let go - letting go of hope in particular, I think. And maybe you do need to get to 'a bad place' with unhealthy habits before you can start working your way back up again and trying to move forward. I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's perhaps and particularly in your situation with your D, that's so hard to cope with. We all stumble on, don't we, two steps forward, pause, maybe slide a little, lurch forward again. A bit like those early days of learning to drive :) x
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Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?
I think I can, at least some of it. My career isn’t coming back, but being out of the workplace has freed me up to pursue something I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Unfortunately I keep getting stalled by obstacles related to the Ns in my life. Even though I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer, and even have some published articles, I still lack the self confidence to believe in my own work. First it was my N mum, then it was my husband, who I now realize is also an N.
I need to find a new therapist to help me work on my self esteem. I have two books partially written, but I keep walking away from them believing that my work is no good, or that no one would want to read what I have to say (N-husband has repeatedly said that about the memoir I started). In many ways, he’s done more emotional damage than N-Mother did. I know I need to exit the relationship in the same way that I left my N-mother, but this one is going to take a lot of time and planning. Leaving a bad marriage isn’t easy when you have a house full of pets, no source of income, and crippling anxiety.
So right now I’m caught in this endless loop of going from inspired, to being discouraged, and back again. I need to follow your advice and give myself the encouragement that I should have gotten from “loved ones,” but didn’t. I can’t do it alone, though. I definitely need to find a new therapist to help me out of this funk.
I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's ...
It's very hard to accept, especially when the person causing the unhappiness is someone you love (or used to love). Having the knowledge that the person suffered from a personality disorder is only a small comfort. I know my mother had NPD, and I know why she did what she did, but that knowledge isn't going to help me accept the situation on any level. I have personal unhappiness from things I did to myself, like leaving jobs that I should have stuck with, but those were my own decisions. I was able to learn from my own mistakes and not repeat them. Unhappiness inflicted by another is a wound that simply won't heal.
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Do you feel like you can take up any of the things you missed out on in your younger life now, Kathy?
I think I can, at least some of it. My career isn’t coming back, but being out of the workplace has freed me up to pursue something I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Unfortunately I keep getting stalled by obstacles related to the Ns in my life. Even though I’ve always been told that I’m a good writer, and even have some published articles, I still lack the self confidence to believe in my own work. First it was my N mum, then it was my husband, who I now realize is also an N.
I need to find a new therapist to help me work on my self esteem. I have two books partially written, but I keep walking away from them believing that my work is no good, or that no one would want to read what I have to say (N-husband has repeatedly said that about the memoir I started). In many ways, he’s done more emotional damage than N-Mother did. I know I need to exit the relationship in the same way that I left my N-mother, but this one is going to take a lot of time and planning. Leaving a bad marriage isn’t easy when you have a house full of pets, no source of income, and crippling anxiety.
So right now I’m caught in this endless loop of going from inspired, to being discouraged, and back again. I need to follow your advice and give myself the encouragement that I should have gotten from “loved ones,” but didn’t. I can’t do it alone, though. I definitely need to find a new therapist to help me out of this funk.
I think it's hard to accept when someone else has made you unhappy - whether intentionally or not. I think it's easier for us to fix our own mistakes than it is to deal with the fallout from other people's ...
It's very hard to accept, especially when the person causing the unhappiness is someone you love (or used to love). Having the knowledge that the person suffered from a personality disorder is only a small comfort. I know my mother had NPD, and I know why she did what she did, but that knowledge isn't going to help me accept the situation on any level. I have personal unhappiness from things I did to myself, like leaving jobs that I should have stuck with, but those were my own decisions. I was able to learn from my own mistakes and not repeat them. Unhappiness inflicted by another is a wound that simply won't heal.
Aw Kathy, it's very difficult when you realise you are in an external situation that makes it difficult to do the things you need and want to do, such as a difficult marriage, unpleasant job etc. I do think good therapists are worth their weight in gold. I think just having someone else doing some of the work for you helps, so that you don't have to constantly be the one to tell yourself you're good, you're worth it, you're not a failure. It is nice to hear positive (yet not sycophantic) encouragement from other people. It is a good food for the soul. And I agree, I can see that my mum 'has problems' but I struggle with all the people around her who have never stepped in, particularly when my sister and I were little. We had relatives who could just have taken us for days out every now and again or had us to stay for the weekend, just to give us a bit of respite from her, but no-one bothered. I think what's great about a good therapist is that they can pull out the good bits in that mire of negativity; it's very hard to see the gold when you're digging through dirt. But I do remember a therapist pointing out to me that my upbringing had made me resourceful, compassionate, empathetic, hard working and a whole list of other positive traits (which I should have written down, lol). I hope you can find a good T. I experience the loop of enthusiasm, going for it, getting knocked back, feeling too tired to get back on the horse and so on. I've been shockingly tired all this week but for some reason today I am feeling enthusiastic again. There's no rhyme or reason to it sometimes. x
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I am feeling reckless? Energised? Strong? Foolhardy? I'm really not sure which. But I am feeling that I am at some sort of crossroads, mostly, I think, because my son is coming to the age of transitioning from child to man (or half man maybe, I don't know if child to man is too big a leap! But certainly no longer a child). I am probably at the half way ish point of my life and I am thinking that if I want my life to change quite drastically then I do need to get my bum into gear and do something about that. I'm also aware that my health is suffering, largely through stress and exhaustion, and that my son will need life time care and that obviously I won't be able to provide that for him.
I am finding myself wondering if I've put too much emphasis on enduring a crappy situation and if I should put more emphasis on changing my crappy situation. I know that all of our earlier experiences with child protection stuff (via my mum) really knocked my confidence and I have just wanted to hide for a long time now. I spend a lot of time and money on health related stuff but at the same time I'm aware that my health related problems could probably be helped by us doing more fun stuff and enjoying ourselves more. I feel scared of venturing out into the big wide world again but I am getting to the point where staying like this is frightening me more.
Soooo - I'm not too sure what to do next! I'm still struggling to prioritise my time and work out what's most important. Short term or long term goals. Planning for things that haven't happened yet, but that are possibilities and will cause a lot of stress if they do happen. Perhaps enjoying myself more will mean I cope with the stress better if it does happen. I am very frightened to show any kinks in my armour, particularly when it can affect my son. Although he is older and stronger now and isn't as vulnerable as he used to be. Anyway, I'm going to try and will keep you updated :) x
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Following on from my ruminations yesterday about accepting crappy situations, I have been thinking about this more and more. I have been trying to find some meaning in all the horrible things that have happened to me over the years and some sort of spiritual depth to it all, along the lines of suffering makes you wise, develops you as a person and so on. And part of that has been practising acceptance and trying to be happy within my situation. But I am starting to wonder where the line is between acceptance and resignation, and what the difference is between accepting and failing to strive, or a lack of ambition?
I'm finding it quite perplexing (and very interesting!) because as the years have gone on our situation has got worse. There are fewer and fewer people in my life that I want to have around me. Money gets tighter each year - world economics going on there so slightly limited in some of the ways I can deal with that. I get more and more tired, my health dips a little lower. My son's needs keep increasing, mostly through age (as in the amount of care he needs compared to a teenager his age increases as the gap between him and his peers grows as he gets older). My mum is still soldiering on, lol, and ten years ago I honestly thought that she wouldn't last more than another couple due to the four decades she has spent pickling her liver and being obnoxious to people but still she thrives.
So I am starting to wonder if I should have been less accepting of the cards I was being dealt. I've talked a lot on here about being hurt by 'friends' turning out to be anything but and how much that's hurt and upset me, but I've been thinking over the last couple of years about what life might have been like if I'd followed the Uni/good career/world wide travel plan that I'd longed for since I was a teenager and whether I'd have been friends with any of the people I've been so upset about and do you know what, the answer's no. How bizarre is that? I've spent the last four years feeling sorry for myself and wondering what it is about me that puts people off and makes them not like me and the truth is we only became friends because our paths crossed at certain times and I've been desperate to find something good in our bad situation. I wanted a family and wanted to create one from other people and I've had this notion for a long time that 'the cosmos' is at work somehow and was putting me in those situations so that I could meet these people and they would be my salvation, and there's no doubt that at the time I enjoyed their company and wouldn't have coped if I'd been as alone and friendless as I am now, but the truth is if I'd got my fancy teaching job abroad after my son was born and had then spent the next two years travelling with him these aren't people I'd have bothered to keep in touch with. And yet I've never realised that before. How weird is that.
I don't really know where that leaves me, other than feeling that I want change. I want more excitement in my life, just not the kind created by my mum and other people. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want, other than it's something more.
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Argh! Following on from my earlier thoughts I found myself yesterday wanting to be more spontaneous and getting out more. With that in mind, we went out for a walk. I decided to drive to a pond that I know, nice place to walk and teaming with wildlife but we rarely go there because when we go out for a walk I usually make it 'practical' so we walk to the village to run errands or down to the old train track (which means we don't waste petrol using the van). But I fancied a change of scene so we went further afield. I also decided to take the camera, the video camera and a few toys. What I thought about as we were driving over there is that my head is full of ideas about things to do - photos to take, videos to shoot, projects to work on, but I rarely get on with any of it because I feel I have a long list of things I must do first. For example, for my son to shoot a video I feel it ought to be from an educational perspective, so I feel we should script it first so that it is done 'properly'. I would love to sell photographs that I take but before I embark on that I feel I ought to sift through the hundreds of photos I already have, sell what I can, learn all about lighting, buy a better camera and so on. I was thinking about all of that as we drove along and I realised how many conditions I impose on myself before I allow myself to do things. It has to be right. And so I spend a lot of time planning, but not so much actually getting anything done (or just enjoying myself in the process)
With all of that in mind, I handed my son the video camera and he shot his own little film with no input from me. While he was doing that, I took some photos of trees just for fun. We went on our walk, my son took the camera and took pictures of whatever he fancied. The pond is near an old steam train site, and the train went chugging past as we were walking by. We chatted to a few dog walkers as we went around and enjoyed the sun.
I made some notes when we got home of other things we could do - a ride on the steam train, learn a bit more about film making, learn a few more types of tree or bird. This morning I got up and started rifling through books. We have masses of information here that I just don't pick up often enough and say to my son "Let's go and find an oak tree and learn all about it". I also decided to try to learn more about sailing - he's been going for years and I've just looked on it as a leisure activity rather than learning about it, so I went online to order a book about sailing knots and sailing techniques.
While I was doing that it occurred to me that I have gone off piste. I work to a list that always has daily things to do (yoga, exercise, meal planning, school work with son and so on) and because I stick to this list there isn't really much time to get on with things. I realised I have a thing in my head that I can't attempt 'stuff' if I haven't done all the things on my list. And then the memory of my T telling me, probably six or seven years ago now, that my list making habits were all about control and safety, actually really made sense to me for the first time. I can see what she means now. If I do everything on my list, then I can try the other things I want to do and it will be safe, because I've taken care of 'business' first. But what I realised happens is I never (or very rarely) get through my list and so I rarely try the other things. The next day I reset and go back to the beginning of the list, so I don't have the time, again, to try other stuff.
I'm not sure if this is making any sense because it's sort of pouring out of my head at the minute.
I think it relates back to the child abuse allegations - ten years ago now. If I do everything on my list - the sensible, boring stuff - then no-one can accuse me of not looking after him properly. But it just occurred to me as I'm typing this up that it isn't actually the end of the world if we go out, unplanned, and have chips for lunch instead of a proper meal, or if he's wearing odd socks because I haven't done any laundry yet this week. Saying it seems obvious but I know that these minor things have terrified me over the years - any slight mistake on my part could give them an opportunity to take him away from me. I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or revolted at the minute, I suddenly feel it's clear that I've been living a half life for the last decade because of what they did to me and the unfairness of it all.
So - I'm knackered after all of that! Lol. We are going sailing - in the wind and the rain today. We're going to go for a ride on that steam train this afternoon. I haven't done my food prep for the day, or the washing, or micromanaged my son - in fact I'm not even sure what he's up to at the minute, it's very quiet so I should probably check! Not sure whether I feel elated or scared. Bit blown away at the moment in all honesty.
Thank you for reading if you got to the end of all that. I've no idea if it makes any sense at all!
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To hear you DISCOVER the anxiety and perfectionism that has driven your fear of deviating from the never-finished list is really moving, Tupp.
I think your thoughtful reflections lately have been so beautiful and powerful. I am really happy for you.
It's like reading a diary of growth and maturity and confidence that's just amazing. You really do work at a deep, thoughtful level to uncover the roots of what's been unsatisfying and dampening your potential.
I bet the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain would be revelatory for you.
love,
Hops
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To hear you DISCOVER the anxiety and perfectionism that has driven your fear of deviating from the never-finished list is really moving, Tupp.
I think your thoughtful reflections lately have been so beautiful and powerful. I am really happy for you.
It's like reading a diary of growth and maturity and confidence that's just amazing. You really do work at a deep, thoughtful level to uncover the roots of what's been unsatisfying and dampening your potential.
I bet the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain would be revelatory for you.
love,
Hops
Well I am going to get that book now, Hopsie, and find out! :)
Thank you for your kind words. I'm still not sure I quite understand how I'm feeling at the mo. I'm very tired, almost like a big dam has broken down. I embraced my list free existence this morning and as a result we were late for sailing (because I'd forgotten to sort my son's drinks out and get his sailing kit ready) and when we got home I realised I'd forgotten to feed the cat as well but do you know what, why is that such a big deal (the cat was quite annoyed but she's a well fed puss so having to wait a couple of hours wasn't the end of the world)? I knew what my T meant all that time ago about lists being a need for control but I feel like I've literally only just really understood what she was saying. Isn't it funny how you can understand something on an intellectual level but not really get it emotionally? Hopefully it's a sign that another big chunk of something has shifted - I'm not sure what yet! We have three days coming up now where we have nothing planned or arranged so I think I'm going to experiment with going list free and see what happens :)
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Something else that's been going through my mind is that I've had this thing for years where I felt/thought that the child abuse situation we were in a few years back (which ended with me returning to live in the area I grew up in) was another sort of cosmic event that would eventually have a good outcome, mostly in the form of a relationship and for many years I have assumed that I would end up with an old flame (of which there were many!), to the extent that I actually spent quite a lot of time reconnecting with old friends and boyfriends. And again I am realising, albeit very belatedly, that I outgrew all of these people years ago, as a teenager, when I had my dreams of going to drama college and traveling the world and really wanted to do something with my life. We've an election going on here at the minute which always makes tempers flare and brings out views that don't generally come to the surface in day to day conversation, and so many of the comments I've seen on Facebook have made me realise that I was right, all those years ago, to walk away from so many people that I just don't have very much in common with. I've spent such a long time thinking there was meaning in all the bad stuff that happened to me and that something good would come from it, some sort of reward, but now I'm thinking it was just my mum being an arse and it's taken me ten years to put my life back together. The good thing that has come out of that is I've realised I didn't do something wrong way back when. I was on the right path, she just derailed me (for a long time!). But I'm back on it now and I really feel that I want to leave the past where it is and focus much more on my future (and get some sleep, I keep checking the election results and it's getting really late here, lol) :)
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Tupp: I wrote this post yesterday morning, and my session timed out.... didn't see it refused to go through till this morning. I'll read your posts and post again later (((Tupp))).
Just bc you realized you wouldn't have been friends with the people you've had in your life......
just bc you understand your life would have been different if you'd put distance between yourself and the people who've been in your life......
just bc.
It is what it is.
There were reasons.
There were circumstances.
Your mother put you between a rock and a hard place.
She hindered you, and your ability to respond.
She sabotaged you.
That's your past, and you need to be aware of it. Of course you do. Enlightenment means you don't have to learn the same lessons again and again.
I'm curious, Tupp.....
about this next phase in your life....
what will you do with it?
Will you look at your original dream with fresh eyes? What's there? What about teaching drew you to it? What did you want to do with it 20 years ago? Does that dream still appeal to you?
Honestly, Tupp.... it's time to open some unopened doors, IMO. What's the next step for you and your son?
My Aunt's sister put her son in a wonderful residential facility last year. They'd been waiting 6 years from the last time they'd been offered a spot on the list.... they'd been waiting for years before that, but the Mom wasn't ready the first time it became available. Her son is in his 40's.
This is a government facility, and we're crossing our fingers Trump doesn't close them all down, btw.
My Aunt says her nephew is working in the furniture finishing shop, and there's a garden where flowers are grown and sold by other residents.... he has a yoga class he adores, and his favorite nurse told the Mom his schedule is busier than her own.
When he goes home for visits he's happy, but always eager to go back to his new home..... this is a huge relief on one hand for the Mom, but sad bc she's not adjusting as quickly as he is. BTW he's lost 25 pounds this first year in the facility, and he's getting stronger, and healthier. There was the fear he'd not be able to walk a few years ago, but that hasn't come to pass as his eating habits have improved, and he's busy busy busy. They go swimming, bowling.... I already mentioned the yoga. He's engaged in his life, and very busy.
What are your options in the UK?
Lighter
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Argh! Following on from my earlier thoughts I found myself yesterday wanting to be more spontaneous and getting out more. With that in mind, we went out for a walk. I decided to drive to a pond that I know, nice place to walk and teaming with wildlife but we rarely go there because when we go out for a walk I usually make it 'practical' so we walk to the village to run errands or down to the old train track (which means we don't waste petrol using the van). But I fancied a change of scene so we went further afield. I also decided to take the camera, the video camera and a few toys. What I thought about as we were driving over there is that my head is full of ideas about things to do - photos to take, videos to shoot, projects to work on, but I rarely get on with any of it because I feel I have a long list of things I must do first. For example, for my son to shoot a video I feel it ought to be from an educational perspective, so I feel we should script it first so that it is done 'properly'. I would love to sell photographs that I take but before I embark on that I feel I ought to sift through the hundreds of photos I already have, sell what I can, learn all about lighting, buy a better camera and so on. I was thinking about all of that as we drove along and I realised how many conditions I impose on myself before I allow myself to do things. It has to be right. And so I spend a lot of time planning, but not so much actually getting anything done (or just enjoying myself in the process) I think there comes a time when some people have to shake off the list of HAVE TOs in orde3r to reset their systems.... like animals shaking off trauma. Just shake off everything in order to SEE what's possible. In order to SEE what's in front of them, and not what's been chasing them, vexing them, terrorizing them in the past. I think you did that.
::nodding::
With all of that in mind, I handed my son the video camera and he shot his own little film with no input from me. While he was doing that, I took some photos of trees just for fun. We went on our walk, my son took the camera and took pictures of whatever he fancied. The pond is near an old steam train site, and the train went chugging past as we were walking by. We chatted to a few dog walkers as we went around and enjoyed the sun.
Going out into nature, and doing something new...... just being in nature... YES YES YES: )
I made some notes when we got home of other things we could do - a ride on the steam train, learn a bit more about film making, learn a few more types of tree or bird. This morning I got up and started rifling through books. We have masses of information here that I just don't pick up often enough and say to my son "Let's go and find an oak tree and learn all about it". I also decided to try to learn more about sailing - he's been going for years and I've just looked on it as a leisure activity rather than learning about it, so I went online to order a book about sailing knots and sailing techniques. I'm so happy for you, Tupp. SO. HAPPY. What a day.
While I was doing that it occurred to me that I have gone off piste. I work to a list that always has daily things to do (yoga, exercise, meal planning, school work with son and so on) and because I stick to this list there isn't really much time to get on with things. I realised I have a thing in my head that I can't attempt 'stuff' if I haven't done all the things on my list. And then the memory of my T telling me, probably six or seven years ago now, that my list making habits were all about control and safety, actually really made sense to me for the first time. I can see what she means now. If I do everything on my list, then I can try the other things I want to do and it will be safe, because I've taken care of 'business' first. But what I realised happens is I never (or very rarely) get through my list and so I rarely try the other things. The next day I reset and go bahe beginning of the list, so I don't have the time, again, to try other stuff. Shake it off, Tupp...... You've slogged a long way through the wastelands to SEE with clarity.... eyes unclouded by hate..... and choose happiness. I'm so over the moon tickled for you!
I'm not sure if this is making any sense because it's sort of pouring out of my head at the minute. So much sense.... it's not easy to turn away from crisis, that might still be just behind you, and turn to something else, IME. You have reasons for living the way you've had to live. You've had no choices for so long. Now you're system is calming down, and you're gaining perspective. You're aware, and able to make very conscious choices, FEEL them, gain momentum and what momentum you have! YES.
I think it relates back to the child abuse allegations - ten years ago now. If I do everything on my list - the sensible, boring stuff - then no-one can accuse me of not looking after him properly. But it just occurred to me as I'm typing this up that it isn't actually the end of the world if we go out, unplanned, and have chips for lunch instead of a proper meal, or if he's wearing odd socks because I haven't done any laundry yet this week. Saying it seems obvious but I know that these minor things have terrified me over the years - any slight mistake on my part could give them an opportunity to take him away from me. I'm not sure whether I feel relieved or revolted at the minute, I suddenly feel it's clear that I've been living a half life for the last decade because of what they did to me and the unfairness of it all. Nothing rights wrongs like living well, Tupp. That's going to put things right again. That you aren't destroyed or lost... that you overcome, and find happiness.
So - I'm knackered after all of that! Lol. We are going sailing - in the wind and the rain today. We're going to go for a ride on that steam train this afternoon. I haven't done my food prep for the day, or the washing, or micromanaged my son - in fact I'm not even sure what he's up to at the minute, it's very quiet so I should probably check! Not sure whether I feel elated or scared. Bit blown away at the moment in all honesty.
I'm feeling the rain on my face with you, Tupp! Sail! Ride! Take pictures: ) Lighter
Thank you for reading if you got to the end of all that. I've no idea if it makes any sense at all!
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Hi Lighter,
Thank you for both of those posts. Options in the UK are almost non existent. Funding has been cut considerably and will continue to be cut. Public opinion is that generally disabled people are second class citizens who don't deserve the same rights and quality of life that non disabled people do (or to be more specific, that's the opinion of the ruling party who have just been voted back in for the third time). I don't know if our election makes the news over there but they're now talking about a partnership with another party who are even more regressive than they are. Politically it's a very worrying time for anyone who supports equality and just generally wants people to get along and be respectful of one another. Thank you for asking the question as it's helping me think things through in my mind :)
When I got into teaching my plan was to teach all over the world, taking my son with me. I was hoping to teach in well paid international schools some of the time (which my son would attend) and then, having got money saved up, teach voluntarily in other places or just travel without working. Initially I experienced a lot of depression after my son was born which delayed all of that and then his problems started to show up. It's interesting that looking back I can see that the biggest obstacle was put in place by my mum, which I hadn't really realised before.
Soooooo - putting aside practicality and sensibleness for the moment, what I'd love to do is spend the next twenty years traveling the world with my son (assuming that he wanted to). In our little camper van for the most part, although not practical in every area but generally on the move, working when we needed to, spending as much or as little time as we wanted in different places, no plan, just seeing how we went, who we met and where we ended up.
The obstacle for me is that he can't, at fifteen, be left safely on his own for any length of time and he's not expected to develop the capacity to be able to do that, which in turn means he is expected to always need 'someone' to look after him. Obviously never say never but I am not stepping in to the future assuming he'll be able to look after himself. We live in a country with very little good quality care for disabled people so I don't feel I can just get on with my life knowing he'll be well looked after; he does well now because of the work I put in but there's a constant battle with the authorities and it's very draining.
Either way it means stepping into the unknown, and what I find difficult is that I'm fine about stepping into the unknown myself because I can deal with whatever life throws at me. He doesn't have the capacity for the same skills so I think the thing that scares me is that I might be putting him at risk with whatever I try to do. It's one thing for me to have a crap time because I misjudge something but I really struggle with the idea of him being harmed or having an awful time because I misjudge something.
The way I see things at the moment is that I can fight for care for him, knowing that the fight might need to be renewed every year as they change the funding levels, that the care might be substandard, that him being in one place then restricts me to being based in one place and so on. Traveling appeals to me enormously, but I know he would struggle with some aspects, us being together constantly drives us both mad at times plus we'd need an incredibly expensive insurance package (due to his health problems) and money to live on as we moved around.
I'm aware that I have a really strong need to find something to put in place that I know will keep him safe and happy for the rest of his life and I know I can't actually do that and I think that's what really bothers me. I'm thinking at the moment to just try to do more of the things we like, get out in the world more and hope that brings us into contact with the sort of people that would be good to have around. I'm not really sure I can do much more at the minute. What do you think? x
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Went for another nice walk this morning, took some more photos (this time of a Lego gorilla in natural settings, lol). Was thinking on way around of ways to make money without being tied to one place or a job - blogging, selling photos, articles, short stories (or long ones!). He struggles when things aren't the same, I thrive on it. Home again now, lots to do today, was thinking how another boy his age (15) would have his own plans for the weekend or would just be out with his mates or sat doing his homework without the need for me to get involved too much. Books for sailing arrived, very good waterproof one that explains how to tie knots (very handy I thought) and a good introduction to sailing that explains all the technical stuff and lots about the weather and how to read it by the cloud formations and so on. Lots of pictures so very helpful for him (and me!). Perhaps we'll go on our travels by boat :)
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I've just had an idea; I could try this out without making any big plans or commitments. If I start a blog about days out and trips away I could see if I can make money from writing and selling photos, we could try things like voluntary work at communes in the UK and see how that works out, whether or not my son can cope with it and so on, and just keep building up or abandon it if it become apparent that it just doesn't suit him and it won't work out. Why did I not think of this before? Lol. We can practise without having to give up our home or risk being stuck somewhere with no money, probably make some good contacts as well and maybe even find some other families that fancy traveling with their older but still dependent offspring, I can't be the only one? Feel nervous about going 'public' as it were, still scared of social services and my mum causing problems but I could start off just writing it up as a diary until I feel more confident and then start putting it online. Maybe even a Facebook/online group for people with health problems and disabilities to share info about places they visit or go on holiday to and how they find it, particularly those who don't want to do package deals and like to strike out on their own.
Feeling a bit excited now :)
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Tupp:
Learning to live life NOT under siege..... it's a process, IME.
You're going through it I think. It's like watching color seep back into your life, or finding focus where there was fuzz.... maybe.
It's access to creativity and possibility, and here you are..... exploring life like you haven't been able to do in years.
I so want you to find your path, set new goals, and see where this journey leads. You've been through so much... there has to be purpose, and meaning. You're poised to find it.... I know you are.
Remember to trust your instincts. You've been programed to doubt and dismiss your intuition. TRUST it. Continue exploring with curiosity..... judgement sucks.
I'll post more, but I so get the pressure coming off, and processing each layer.... trying to trust, and adjust to not having another crisis land on your head. Shifting focus, and stabilizing..... even as our children's needs shift.
It's not easy, but you're a fighter. Your energy is freeing up to serve you now...
not wasted to disprove negatives, and fight monsters.
((((Tupp))))
There's more, and now you're able to embrace it.
::nodding::
Light
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Thanks, Lighter :)
Yes, instinct - I was thinking about that today. Trusting and going with your feeling. Where my son's been concerned, I've always been right, even when he was little and I had armies of people telling me I was wrong. And I've been thinking as well about needing to get my head around the fact that I cannot guarantee anything for him. However hard I work, however hard I try, however sensible I am, however much thought I put into what I do, life can do something completely different. Which makes me realise I am going to have to let go of some of the control (argh!) and accept that I can't do it all. Lol, that's going to be easy ;)
I am trying to build more fun and enjoyment into our day, every day, and I'm going to have to push myself into new situations. Contacts are important, I realise that now, and I'm going to start having to mix with more creative, adventurous types, because that's where I'd like my life to be heading. At the same time I feel very inferior around people like that. I feel boring in comparison and that I don't have much to offer them. That's all in my head so I need to work on that and start pushing myself a bit more and putting up with the crappy feelings whilst it happens. I'm trying at the minute to challenge myself a little every day. So, today we had a text from the Youth Club leader saying they've changed the plan for tonight and they're going out walking instead of staying in at the club. We've already done our walking for today so walking again tonight is likely to tire him out and leave him worn out tomorrow. My first thought was to say no but .......... in the spirit of not being a control freak, I asked my son, he said he wants to do it and he doesn't want his wheelchair so we are going and I will drop him off and leave him to it. I will have a slight meltdown I think, lol, but I'll do it after he's gone so he doesn't know and if he's really tired tomorrow it's not the end of the world, we haven't got anything major planned.
So that's my challenge for today, to be less of a mother hen, let him make his own choices and let him get it wrong if he needs to.
I think the colour is seeping back in, slowly. Thank you :) x
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I am doing alright with my boundaries and with taking a step back where my son is concerned :)
We've been very busy for the last two days so he has been very tired today but he's had a great time, the nicest thing was that the Youth Club leaders took pictures of all of the kids down at the park and put them on Facebook. I am usually quite anti pics on Facebook but I realised that I don't have any recent photos of him with a group of friends so it was good to get these and be able to show them to other people. Feels like another step out of the shell we've been hiding in (as my main concern with Facebook pics posted by other people is who might see them or share them).
I had a nice chat with a friend last night and she was asking if we were going to go and visit. I've got a couple of friends who live quite near each other (she's one of the pair) and most years I do a 400 mile round trip to see them. I love seeing them and they live in a nice part of the country but ................. we don't have the money for multiple trips away so if we go to visit them we don't usually get to do anything else. By way of a contrast, they both get away at least three or four times a year but never come here to visit. So I have said that I'm not planning to visit this year but that they are welcome here (which is true). I want to explore the possibility of working at festivals and just networking with more people who I feel are on a similar wave length to me. With that in mind there is one festival we are definitely going to and two others I'm hoping to go to if we have enough money. I've put myself and what I want first, not because I don't want to see my friends, far from it, but I can't do everything and at this stage I feel that moving forward is important.
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Tupp:.
You gave your son choices, and he was no doubt tired, but.....
he used his voice!
Good job. I hope things turned out well, or at least OK. Let us know.
Lighter
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Tupp:.
You gave your son choices, and he was no doubt tired, but.....
he used his voice!
Good job. I hope things turned out well, or at least OK. Let us know.
Lighter
He's been fine, Lighter, tired but manageable, it was interesting to see that physical activity definitely does tire him out; he really struggled to do his physio and you could see that it was a physical struggle for him, not just a feeling of being tired (as in, he couldn't keep his arms straight or lift his leg). My T used to say my need for perfection in him (as in, he must never be tired, unhappy, miserable, made to do anything he doesn't want to and son on) was another extension of my need to be safe after the abuse allegations and again, I am starting to finally understand what she meant. I'm just sooooooo aware - as I think we all are on here - of the damage that my own requirement to manage all my hurt and ignored feelings has caused that I've desperately tried to avoid him having to do it at all. But of course there will be times that things aren't great and that's just life. I think part of it as well was that his problems weren't picked up for a long time so he was being made to do things he wasn't actually capable of doing at that stage, so I spent a long time trying to undo that damage and make him feel safe again, and he does feel safe, you can see it in the way he behaves and the way he is around people. He just doesn't have the nervousness or fear of other people's responses that I always had.
In other news, I am getting the hang of observing rather than reacting quite so much. Went to help a friend out this morning - all sorts of odd dynamics in their relationship - noticed it, didn't feel the need to get involved or avoid them in the future, funnily enough, usually when I see dysfunction I want to hide from it but that seems to have lessened off. Also saw the friend that I mentioned a while ago who had seemed a bit funny last time we met up - she was absolutely lovely again today so I am thinking maybe just a bad day, period pain, argument with the boyfriend or something. Had a really nice chat, good laugh, looking forward to seeing her again now :) Tired but happy :)
How is everything going at your end now? x
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Just another little thought and realisation from me today.
We've been to a Sports Competition today - busy, crowded, badly organised and just no fun. I realised we were doing things that were expected of us rather than what we both enjoy. My son loves the sport but not the crowds or the noise. He enjoys the training sessions - quieter, more orderly and he spends all of his time playing, whereas today was spent mostly waiting to play. We've both come away shattered and too tired to do anything when we got home, other than have dinner (which fortunately I'd got ready before we went out because I'd have been too tired to cook when we got back).
I was sitting thinking about my lack of energy, my anti social tendencies, my wondering how we can cope better next time and I realised the thing to do (or the way to cope) is not to do it. I haven't done yoga once this week, or meditated. I haven't spent any time writing (or at least not things I want to write). I have caught up with a couple of friends but missed seeing a friend today because I was too tired after the sports thing. My lack of energy comes from spending virtually all of my time doing things I don't really want to do. And there's no reason why I should want to do these things! I think tomorrow I'm going to keep saying to myself "what do I really want to do right now" and see where that takes me :)
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There are aspects of social media that I like. I do like seeing people's pics of their kids doing whatever they are doing and I like reading the nice little things, good school reports, passing exams, getting promotions at work and so on. I like hearing about bands I like and seeing what they're up to. I've joined a few pages about people setting up communes, trying to live off grid, the sort of stuff I really aspire to and I love to see what other people are doing (although sometimes I feel jealous as well). There are some people who write well about politics and I enjoy reading what they have to say about current events as I like trying to learn more and understand the world situation better (if that's possible).
But I hate, hate, hate racism and I hate the way it has become socially acceptable again in this country. People can and do write all sorts of stuff that ten years ago they wouldn't have said publicly. It brings me into contact with thoughts that I don't want in my head and of course, you don't know what you're reading until you've read it and by then it's too late.
There have been a couple of terrorist attacks recently, by people claiming to represent ISIS. Horrific events, awful, inexcusable and devastating for all involved. Huge outpouring of hatred towards Muslims, millions of whom live perfectly peacefully all around the world, calls to have Muslims in this country deported (despite the fact they were born here so I'm not sure where they'd send them) and just general knee jerk reactions.
I get the strong response to horrific acts but by the same token, there's just been an awful tower block fire in London that seems to have killed more than a hundred people and seems to have come about because the local council clad the tower block in a material that has apparently been banned in other countries because it's a fire risk, and it was used to cover the tower block to make it more aesthetically pleasing to the millionaires in the surrounding buildings (the people living in the tower block are on low incomes and the properties are owned by the council).
There's been a huge shift in power from the majority in this country to a small percentage of wealthy people and companies and it's been made very clear that rich people matter and no-one else does. Yet despite the number of deaths, there hasn't been anything like the social media outcry about this that there way about the terror attacks, despite the fact that far more people have died and another hundred or so have been left homeless and destitute.
Over night a white man has driven a vehicle into a crowd of muslims who were leaving their mosque after prayers. They'd stopped to help an elderly gentleman who'd collapsed and were administering CPR whilst waiting for an ambulance to arrive. The man drove at them deliberately, shouting "I want to kill all Muslims". Apparently he's killed one person and injured others. People are on Facebook defending him.
I feel a bit like I'm going mad. The UK used to be a country I felt proud and very fortunate to live in, but now it just disgusts me and I don't want to be here. I don't understand how people think some lives are more valuable than others, or some murderers are acceptable whilst others aren't. The reason I have stopped using Facebook in the past is because I read too much that annoys me, but equally then I miss out on things because a lot of people only post news on Facebook now, they don't pass on the info in any other way. It's showing me a side to people that I really don't want to see. I feel like I want to wear a T shirt that says 'I'm not racist!' on it because it seems now that being white and british means you're expected to be. People look down on me for believing in equality.
Just having a rant, really. This is the sort of time when I really miss my old life, when I'd have been surrounded by people who feel the way that I do, instead of being the cuckoo in the nest. I will stay off Facebook for a few days, but it kind of winds me up that I have to avoid things because my views aren't right wing? Just needed to let off steam. Thank you :)
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Less of a rant, someone else chimed in with a non racist response which made me feel better, I sometimes feel like I'm the only one (and I hadn't responded because I just can't bear those endless rows about whose opinion is the right one).
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I relate to your rant, Tupp, and the same sickening underbelly erupting on the Internet has taken over life in the U.S., too. It's so sad to lose community when people allow FB to become a default community. And the power social media gives to hate-filled fringes is ghastly. Not to mention triggering for unstable and uninformed people who only need one more crazed click-bait headline or radio rant to pick up that automatic and go murder.
The only way to win that one in the personal realm, I believe, is to stop reading. And deal with the new shape of a life where you miss updates, happy news, ins and outs of others' lives...when they only share them there. But what you may gain is a conscious, intentional circle of people who are no longer lulled into online life as a replacement for engaging with others in the present world.
NB: I consider this board a massive exception, btw!
For me, on balance, choosing to stay off social media has been a price worth paying. I've discovered that ftf connection means more than ever before and I'll work harder than I had to before FB to create it. What's hopeful in my sub-circle is that slowly some others are recognizing it too.
I do find people now who WANT to take a walk together, who WANT to attend a small group of support (in my case, a UU "covenant group") and more intimate relationship, or who WANT to volunteer in ways/places that allow you to connect repeatedly over time until almost by default, you begin to belong to each other.
As a family-less person, I have to fight my urges to isolate all the time. But I know it's essential.
love
Hops
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I relate to your rant, Tupp, and the same sickening underbelly erupting on the Internet has taken over life in the U.S., too. It's so sad to lose community when people allow FB to become a default community. And the power social media gives to hate-filled fringes is ghastly. Not to mention triggering for unstable and uninformed people who only need one more crazed click-bait headline or radio rant to pick up that automatic and go murder.
The only way to win that one in the personal realm, I believe, is to stop reading. And deal with the new shape of a life where you miss updates, happy news, ins and outs of others' lives...when they only share them there. But what you may gain is a conscious, intentional circle of people who are no longer lulled into online life as a replacement for engaging with others in the present world.
NB: I consider this board a massive exception, btw!
For me, on balance, choosing to stay off social media has been a price worth paying. I've discovered that ftf connection means more than ever before and I'll work harder than I had to before FB to create it. What's hopeful in my sub-circle is that slowly some others are recognizing it too.
I do find people now who WANT to take a walk together, who WANT to attend a small group of support (in my case, a UU "covenant group") and more intimate relationship, or who WANT to volunteer in ways/places that allow you to connect repeatedly over time until almost by default, you begin to belong to each other.
As a family-less person, I have to fight my urges to isolate all the time. But I know it's essential.
love
Hops
Yes this board is a massive exception, thank goodness, and I see that you are right about things Hops, gosh, I just find it so frustrating, there is so much horror and pain in the world just through natural disasters and things like famine and disease, I don't understand the need to add to that by people being so hate filled and wanting to cause pain and upset. It also feels to me - and I don't know if you're experiencing a similar thing in the States - that the centre ground is becoming increasingly right wing and that is becoming the new normal. My views, broadly speaking, haven't changed in the last twenty five years or so, whether in relation to equality, human rights, environment and so on. But I find increasingly I'm being labelled 'extreme' and find that other (well known) people who share my views are often written up as 'far left activists', whereas twenty or so years ago pretty much everyone I knew thought more or less the same as I did. I'm not sure what exactly has happened but it's certainly making the world an increasingly unpleasant place for me. So yes, I can see that social media may need to go again. Lol, I feel like I'm in a playground shouting at people to play nice :) xx
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Tupp:
I identified with your post about protecting your son..... the going overboard, and not quite knowing when it's too much, or just heading off center with it, and not realizing we're off course. Making it a quest we couldn't see or question bc that's what we were living. Not realizing we'd prioritized safety without the ability to question.... face pressed up against the glass, and unable to SEE it, IME.
Remembering my face was pressed against the glass helps me forgive myself, and it explains WHY it happened. You certainly deserve grace, and understanding from yourself. You've been there... done that. You've gained some much needed perspective, just like I have. It takes some distance, and the will to do better. God help us if we desire perfection.... it just slows us down, IME.
Keep giving your son space and chances to grow. You're doing great, (((Tupp.)))
Love,
Lighter
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I relate to your rant, Tupp, and the same sickening underbelly erupting on the Internet has taken over life in the U.S., too. It's so sad to lose community when people allow FB to become a default community. And the power social media gives to hate-filled fringes is ghastly. Not to mention triggering for unstable and uninformed people who only need one more crazed click-bait headline or radio rant to pick up that automatic and go murder.
The only way to win that one in the personal realm, I believe, is to stop reading. And deal with the new shape of a life where you miss updates, happy news, ins and outs of others' lives...when they only share them there. But what you may gain is a conscious, intentional circle of people who are no longer lulled into online life as a replacement for engaging with others in the present world.
NB: I consider this board a massive exception, btw!
For me, on balance, choosing to stay off social media has been a price worth paying. I've discovered that ftf connection means more than ever before and I'll work harder than I had to before FB to create it. What's hopeful in my sub-circle is that slowly some others are recognizing it too.
I do find people now who WANT to take a walk together, who WANT to attend a small group of support (in my case, a UU "covenant group") and more intimate relationship, or who WANT to volunteer in ways/places that allow you to connect repeatedly over time until almost by default, you begin to belong to each other.
As a family-less person, I have to fight my urges to isolate all the time. But I know it's essential.
love
Hops
Yes this board is a massive exception, thank goodness, and I see that you are right about things Hops, gosh, I just find it so frustrating, there is so much horror and pain in the world just through natural disasters and things like famine and disease, I don't understand the need to add to that by people being so hate filled and wanting to cause pain and upset. It also feels to me - and I don't know if you're experiencing a similar thing in the States - that the centre ground is becoming increasingly right wing and that is becoming the new normal. My views, broadly speaking, haven't changed in the last twenty five years or so, whether in relation to equality, human rights, environment and so on. But I find increasingly I'm being labelled 'extreme' and find that other (well known) people who share my views are often written up as 'far left activists', whereas twenty or so years ago pretty much everyone I knew thought more or less the same as I did. I'm not sure what exactly has happened but it's certainly making the world an increasingly unpleasant place for me. So yes, I can see that social media may need to go again. Lol, I feel like I'm in a playground shouting at people to play nice :) xx
Do you know, I just realised this morning that the offensive stuff I read is usually from people I know! One of the reasons Ive used social media is to try to connect more with people who hold similar views to me. The area I live in is very right wing (and very white, middle class, conservative) and most of the people I know are like that so I wanted to try and meet different people, given my circumstances make it difficult to get out and about, and particularly difficult to get far away! With that in mind I have joined a couple of 'hippy' forums over the years, assuming their views would be mostly left wing and fairly open minded but no, that wasn't the case there either. Another sign that I need to move on, move forward, I think. Lots of signs, not quite clear how to go about it, lol.
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Tupp:
I identified with your post about protecting your son..... the going overboard, and not quite knowing when it's too much, or just heading off center with it, and not realizing we're off course. Making it a quest we couldn't see or question bc that's what we were living. Not realizing we'd prioritized safety without the ability to question.... face pressed up against the glass, and unable to SEE it, IME.
Remembering my face was pressed against the glass helps me forgive myself, and it explains WHY it happened. You certainly deserve grace, and understanding from yourself. You've been there... done that. You've gained some much needed perspective, just like I have. It takes some distance, and the will to do better. God help us if we desire perfection.... it just slows us down, IME.
Keep giving your son space and chances to grow. You're doing great, (((Tupp.)))
Love,
Lighter
Thank you, Lighter :) I've spent his whole life protecting him, from his dad, from my family, from harmful attitudes towards disability, from other people's limiting views and real threats from social workers and doctors who wouldn't help him so I can see that it becomes a default position that's then hard to get out of. We're getting there. He went to Youth Club last night and they did robot building. They designed them first and had to give them a name and a special feature. My son called his 'Disfigured Norman Kranng Droid' and his special feature was 'Perfecting Mutagen' lol. He also has a hidden arm that whacks people if they get to close to him. Perhaps he is echoing my need to keep harmful people away from him :) He's got drama club today, sailing on Thursday and Boccia on Sunday, so we're back up to four social events a week which is really good. I'm trying to get out walking every day, not far but he is building up his strength and stamina now. Getting there slowly. The paperwork mountain is starting to decrease, I am getting a bit of time to work on the van. Baby steps.
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Summer Solstice today and I've spent the day pondering and thinking 'what next' and do you know what, I'm ready to leave my old life behind. The fear, the failures, the endless running round after people, bending myself in all directions to make everyone happy, always putting myself last. I want a life that I have chosen, not an endless procession of reactions to other people's mistakes or their failures to deal with their own problems. I don't want to keep worrying about what people think, I want people around me who accept me, warts and all, or go away people. I want to really get away from my past. I think that will mean moving again, further this time and cutting off ties when I do it. Still finding memories and people who elicit certain responses or feelings in me. Want to feel like I am living, rather than having to cope with living. Ready to leave it all behind now. It's very hot here at the moment!
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This might be off base, but what popped up for me when reading your latest post, Tupp, is "beware the Geographical Cure..."
((((((((Tupp)))))))
hugs
Hops
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This might be off base, but what popped up for me when reading your latest post, Tupp, is "beware the Geographical Cure..."
((((((((Tupp)))))))
hugs
Hops
It's part of my plan for creating a life that I want, Hopsie, rather than having to make do with circumstances created by other people :) The last ten or eleven years I've lived in places because of things my mum did, which pushed my life down a certain road. None of those places were places I'd have chosen myself, including where I live now. There are other places that I would much prefer, so it's part of my push to take back control of my own life and not to have to keep working at being happy with something I didn't want (which isn't working anyway as I feel thoroughly miserable most of the time) :) x
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Sorry, more rambling, it just helps to get it written down rather than having it running through my head.
I've been avoiding people more and more and the reason for that is that I just can't listen to the moaning. There are two friends who've been trying to meet up for weeks but I've not got the energy to sit through another moaning session so I've been avoiding. Another friend is well overdue a phone call but I've not got the energy to listen to an hour of moaning. I've just received a text from another friend that has a long list of all her trials and tribulations in it, plus the family health problems, and I can't even muster up a 'sorry you're not well' text.
It did occur to me that I have some sort of health problem or crisis on almost a daily basis, but I tend to offload in writing rather than verbally. The only times I've ever sat and moaned for an hour is in a counselling session.
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And more rambling! I decided yesterday to abandon three complaints that I have on the go at the minute. All very lengthy and involved, all regarding failings to do with my son's care, all very stressful, time consuming, expensive and, I know from previous experience all a waste of time because all that happens is they tell you eventually that you were right all along and everyone else carries on regardless.
I've always felt it important to complain because of the issue of voicelessness - who speaks for my son as he can't speak for himself? Who stands up for those who don't have anyone to fight their corner for them? And so on. But doing them is stopping me from getting on with things I want to do - working on my van, working on my book, doing up my flat, working in my garden. I don't know whether I have fear that if I don't complain things can come back to bite me (ie, I need someone else to say, yes, she's right in order to protect me) or if my greater fear is of getting on with things I want to do and enjoying myself a bit. I'm not sure which of the two it is, or if it even matters. Either way, I have abandoned them and as a result I have a weekend ahead of me that doesn't contain anything unpleasant to be getting on with, which makes a nice change.
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BRAVO.
(I can't know for sure, but my guess is you've pinpointed a fear of enjoying yourself.)
So happy for this,
Hops
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BRAVO.
(I can't know for sure, but my guess is you've pinpointed a fear of enjoying yourself.)
So happy for this,
Hops
Yes, Hops, that's exactly it, I've been so scared of being accused of things I haven't done again that I've just gone into ultra conservative, no fun, never relax mode for the last decade. It's so weird how suddenly something becomes so clear and it seems so obvious but it hasn't for such a long time.
I worked out today that fifteen years of no weekends and no holiday means, by current employment standards, I'm owed somewhere in the region of 1,900 days off :) I'm not lifting a finger now until 2022 :) xx