Can someone explain...

[sweetgrass]

Can someone explain a little clearer what Sam Vaknin is saying in the paragraphs below??
has any of your Ns talked about these things???

Sweet


Sam:
Some narcissists prefer "complicated" situations. If men – they prefer virgins, married women, frigid or lesbian women, etc. The more "difficult" the target – the more rewarding the narcissistic outcome. Such a narcissist may be married, but he does not regard his extra-marital affairs as either immoral or a breach of any explicit or implicit contract between him and his spouse.

He keeps explaining to anyone who cares to listen that his other sexual partners are nothing to him, meaningless, that he is merely taking advantage of them and that they do not constitute a threat and should not be taken seriously by his spouse. In his mind a clear separation exists between the honest "woman of his life" (really, a saint) and the whores that he is having sex with.

With the exception of the meaningful women in his life, he tends to view all females in a bad light. His behaviour, thus, achieves a dual purpose: securing Narcissistic Supply, on the one hand – and re-enacting old, unresolved conflicts and traumas (abandonment by Primary Objects and the Oedipal conflict, for instance).

When inevitably abandoned by his spouse – the narcissist is veritably shocked and hurt. This is the sort of crisis, which might drive him to psychotherapy. Still, deep inside, he feels compelled to continue to pursue precisely the same path. His abandonment is cathartic, purifying. Following a period of deep depression and suicidal ideation – the narcissist is likely to feel cleansed, invigorated, unshackled, ready for the next round of hunting. (end of quote)

[JanetLG]

In my opinion, Sweet, this is Sam Vaknin talking about his own behaviour (as he is, by his own admission a narcissist himself). His 'theory' doesn't translate to female narcissists at all, and he doesn't really try (have you ever heard of a 'male whore'?), so I'd take his ideas on this area of behaviour with a pinch of salt.

Narcissists can be 'promiscuous', and inappropriate in their sexual attentions, but what Vaknin is saying here isn't really the same thing.

Janet

[coldplay]

NPDs have masks that they use to interact with people; Understanding the function of the masks will help you understand their behavior:

The FEGO -- the false-ego, the perfect, understanding one that mirrors you...the one you fell in love with or are friends with, the one they developed to please their NPD parent; the FEGO takes the place of a healthy, developed ego;

The SEGO, the super-ego on steriods, this is the punitive self, the controlling, judgmental, critical self... it punishes not only you, but ultimately themselves and they feel they are not deserving at this deep, level of consciousness;

Here is a quote:
"If you're in love with a Narcissist you might have heard them say "You don't really love me" and on some level they're right because the person you fell in love with was their false Self. To love them would mean you have to love all of them good and bad. To love them is to accept that the Narcissist doesn't know the meaning of love which comes as a result of not being loved by their parents for who they truly are. For this reason they don't know how to receive love or how to give love - they merely act it out to get the narcissistic supplies they need. They see love as twisted and they don't want it from you, they want your admiration and respect. Their relationships are filled with conflicts as a result."

They will seemingly do anything to avoid intimacy, yet they must maintain PNSS to keep the flow of reflected attention going, to reinforce the FEGO...the SEGO does the sabotaging of the relationships the NPD has....it is the FEGO, the weakened, false-self that is in shock....What?! but i am so perfect!!! The SEGO says, NO, you deserve crap.

Now think about their archetype parent and you will put the pieces together: their NPD parent either overvalued or devalued them, or both , whipsawing their developing ego ( self between 3 -6 yrs of age); the FEGO is a perfect overvalued or devalued though constructed self; the SEGO, is the parental voice that criticizes them deep in their unconscious mimicking the parental crap they endured;

They have conflicted feelings for their NPD parent: they craved their approval/love/attention....but all those things came with judgment/criticism/object manipulation -- came with a price; They learned it and now are caught in a trap...they project it onto all their PNSS/SNSS objects...yes, you, and i, are nothing but objects to them;

Try to not get hung up on their personality, but observe their behavior.

Their words are meaningless, used to maintain the FEGO. They are by nature contrary beings.

I read this recently: Do not love something that cannot love you back.

They can be highly logical and love the challenge of games ( games require a winner and the NPD is always the winner, the dominant player), thus, the game of relationships is the most potent game. They hate losing and will exhibit nasty behavior if you challenge them or win.

Your challenge is to extract yourself from the other side of the equation. we love them to the point where we endanger our won sense of self...this is why many advise distance or outright termination of the relationship.

Good luck!