overreaction, or not?

[flower]

((((((((tigerlily))))))))

Thinking of you...

[tigerlily]

Well, it's been a week since my mother died.  I have been waiting to react in some way, but, so far, all I feel is a sense of relief and a quiet sadness that this is the end of the story.  I still feel (emotionally) like it could have "been fixed" so that we could have had a normal relationship, even though (intellectually) I know that could never happen.  And now I am realizing that I spent so very much of my time thinking about things in terms of her- how it would affect her, what she would need, how I could live my life around her needs, etc. etc. etc.  I am feeling very weird because I did that for so long that I didn't even realize I was doing it, and now,for the first time, I have my life to myself.  And I almost don't know how to act.  It is REALLY weird.
However, something really nice has happened.  All of the people (like aunts and uncles) who I know my mother biased against me are all dead.  I used to hate the thought of going back to my home town because I always lived in her shadow and I always felt not quite accepted by them because of the things she used to tell them about me to make herself shine instead of anyone who could take the spotlight away from her.  But now, when I made plans to have a memorial service for her in my hometown in a month's time, I heard from all my cousins who didn't get that bias from her, and, in fact understand what I went through because some of them had a similar experience with their mother (my mother's sister.)  They have been so supportive of me and have validated my feelings so much and want to all get together while I'm there so that we can all reconnect and share the fun memories we had together as children.  This is the first time I am actually looking forward to going home because I am being treated like a peer and as a valuable person in the family.  It is mind boggling.  
I will keep you posted in what it's like to go through the death of an nparent because I'm sure you have conflicting feelings about it too.  When it actually happens, it is different than what you expect.  At least, so far, it is for me.

[Moonflower]

........

[Anonymous]

Dear Tigerlily,

Hugs to you.  

Mourn your losses, all of them.  I'm so heartened to hear that your cousins and you are connecting in a healing way.  That's so great.

Peace, Seeker

[Discounted Girl]

Sounds like you are handling this quite well tigerlily -- I am sorry for whatever sadness you are experiencing. More than likely, instead of mourning the loss of her, you are mourning the loss of all the time, the moments, the hours, the days, the weeks, the months, the years that you wasted trying to please the unpleaseable; trying to be loved by someone who would not love you -- that is what you must bury -- it's over and it ain't comin' back. I find it interesting in the slant you now have on returning home and being with your non-toxic cousins and others. That would feel very good -- it must feel like what the normal family feels, without having to watch your back and second-guess yourself every second. Good luck to you -- I feel like you will be taking giant leaps in levels of comfort and peace now.  

[tigerlily]

God, Discounted girl- you ain't a'kiddin.  You hit the nail on the head.  I really need that.  Right now I'm feeling really weird- I'm looking around, and everything has quieted down after all these years.  I spent my lifetime trying to please her. I spent 14 years trying to placate my first nhusband till I got rid of his ass. I spent all those years raising three boys pretty much by myself so I had to be in 90 places at once and make sure their needs were met.  Then I had my mother living with me for two years and then catering to her demands when she went into the nursing home for two years.  All of a sudden there is just me to worry about.  (Fortunately, my present husband is a mature, normal person who doesn't suck the life blood out of me like my mother and ex did).  And I can't believe I finally have the time and opportunity to think about me and my needs for the first time.  It's like walking out of a noisey, dark theater into the quiet sunlight and feeling the peace. Do you know that feeling? It's almost surreal.  I am going to take it real easy and start thinking about the things in my life I want to organize and prioritize.  I want to take the deep breaths I've needed to take for a long time and start enjoying the things around me.  I hardly know where to start.
Thank all of you for your kind words.  It has really helped.

[les]

Dear Tigerlily

 I too am sorry for all your losses.  It sounds like there is time in your life  now to find(( you ))again. My mother is very old.  I've often wondered, despite our terrible relationship, what it would be like when she is gone.  So much would change and even if it's all for the best it still must be an adjustment to learn how to breathe in deeply and freely, stand up straight and think about simply enjoying your life. Hugs to you.

Les

[Lizbeth]

They haunt you in your dreams, but my deams of my crazy mother have been good since she died, since I forgave her.  They are of the relationship we never had--she is not crazy in my dreams.

Dear Tigerlily

 I too am sorry for all your losses.  It sounds like there is time in your life  now to find(( you ))again. My mother is very old.  I've often wondered, despite our terrible relationship, what it would be like when she is gone.  So much would change and even if it's all for the best it still must be an adjustment to learn how to breathe in deeply and freely, stand up straight and think about simply enjoying your life. Hugs to you.

Les

[tigerlily]

Thanks for the hugs.  I can't believe this month.  I am handling my mother's death alright, but I got some more news last evening.  My best friend from my young wild and single days died.  Her daughter called me to tell me the news.  She was only a couple of months older than me.  We had been apartment mates back in those days.  We shared a lot of history of good times, mutual friends, etc.  I was with her when she met her husband, we worked in the same hospital together, etc.  I still haven't shed a tear over my mother's death and I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me, but when I got the news about my friend I cried like a baby. Boy, when it rains, it pours.  What the hell next?