Good morning Moira:
I know intellectually I have nothing to be embarrassed about but I still find it almost impossible to not judge myself on what I obviously see as some sort of moral deficiency.
Ya. Because people make comments/ask questions that shame us and we tend to accept that (learned behaviour????
).
I wonder if we really hear what the person was inferring, would it help us to see the insanity in such comments/questions?
Inferences like..... There is something morally deficient in you because you chose to be with that psycho!
How could you do that?
What were you thinking?
What a dummy you are.
I would nevvvvvvvvvvver do that.
I'm much smarter than that.
I'm perfect.
I don't make mistakes like that.
You were messed up when you met him? You didn't make the best choice at the time?
That's your excuse?
How dense.
You're the only one on earth who's ever done that.
Everyone else never gets messed up and always makes the best choices.
And him:
Well......he has no responsibility whatsoever.
Heeeeeee didn't chooooose you.
Heeeeeee didn't take advantage of yourrrrrrr messed up state.
Heeeeeee doesn't prey on vulnerable people.
It's allllll you. All your fault. All your stupidity. You're a bad, bad girl.
Gee. Any wonder such comments cause you to feel ashamed. The silent messages/words between the lines.....insinuations......are just a little.....insulting and demeaning. The question is belittling...even if it isn't meant to be. It might simply be an expression of supreme disgust. (Holey Moley!! How did you get involved with such a moron?") but also says something about your moronic attraction....insinuating you must be a moron too, to be attracted to one.
Yes. Intellectually......we can think....if we think to think. If we think first and feel later, sometimes it helps. I think.
If we develop the habit of thinking first......"what the heck is this person saying?" and then we discard what we believe to be silly stuff....like you must somehow be moronic for choosing a psycho, etc. I truly believe we can discard the shame....not let it erupt by first thinking: "this person doesn't understand. might be trying to understand. might not realize how insulting they are being. might be trying to be insulting."
....... before we go ahead an let their words penetrate and allow ourselves to feel some kind of humiliation/shame/guilt whatever. Or.....worded otherwise.....before feelings of shame/guilt/humiliation are generated.
I don't know how messed up you were when you met him. I bet he knew it. I bet he had something to do with you being together. I bet it wasn't all your doing. I bet you're not stupid. I bet you just made some mistakes. Just like the rest of us. I bet you've learned from all of that. I bet you are a good person with good morals and I bet you don't go around looking for people to prey on. I bet you've worked hard to get to where you are now and I bet you will be careful in future. I bet you have lot's of stuff to feel proud of......glad about.......which are accomplishments, not mistakes.
Other possible responses to such questions/comments:
"Stuff happens".
"Nobody's perfect"
"Yes, it is incredible, isn't it?"
Mostly....most important.......imo.........is to somehow unlearn the reaction. I think it's possible to decide to think first and feel later. It can deflect a lot of useless, unnecessary suffering. Shaming needs to be detected first...by our brains.
"Oh my goodness. This seems like an attempt to shame. No thankyou."
We don't have to accept such gifts. Even if they come from those we think are trying to help or understand. We can simply.....decide......the shame is not ours/unwarrented/not valid.
You may have made mistakes, Moira, and have been involved with a person who has psychological difficulties.....but you didn't/don't cause him to be psycho or control his actions. These people are experts at coming across as normal, nice, etc. They are expert con-artists. Some are very hard to detect.
That's how people get sucked into cults. Drawn away with and murdered by sociopaths. Duped financially by super-frauds.
THEY AREN'T ALWAYS SO EASY TO DETECT.It's not about youuuuu being a moron for hooking up with a psycho.
It's about a psycho seeking out someone they can fool into hooking up with them.
Maybe???
And you and I can learn from our experiences and try to be more alert and do our best to be careful.....
but that won't change their abilities or talents or skills at hooking. They will always be experts at that and there will be more prey to prey on.
It's easy to think: "OH I would never do anything that stupid" until the situation actually arises and we find ourselves......prey.
Sela
