Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

Organization, management, coordination - so that I'm not blindsided by the kids starting new projects without consulting me, or doing things that aren't particularly legal, general consideration and communication processes for all of us to follow...

that kind of leadership.

[sKePTiKal]

Just a heads up that I might be on the quiet side for a bit.

I'm processing a bunch of things; including some realizations; and because so far, the winter has been mild - there is "doing" already too. So, until I get it all coherent... I'm digesting and won't say much until I can describe or explain and not lose you all.

[lighter]

You didn't lose me, Amber.  I think I'm experiencing similar frustrations with boundaries around adults and adult children in my life too.  It would have been perfectly perfect to have boundaries perfectly in place all these years, but it's not the case.

There are so many layers of complicated feelings and history to sort through.  We don't want to do harm or make people feeeeeel (insert deepest fears.)

It's not simple and I hope you find clarity and peace with decisions that come from an intuitive place.  If we neeeed everything to make sense on every level, for everyone, maybe it's time to shed levels. 

No decision, or boundary, will feel right for everyone, or make complete sense to everyone and that's OK.  These are your boundaries.  They only need to make sense to you and it's not up for debate.

::uncrossing eyes now::.

You'll do just fine, Amber.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

(((((Amber)))) --

It may sound goofy but one of the ways I ask myself, how much stress is Amber feeling right now...is to ask myself: How abstract is she being?

If we follow, we follow, but if we don't, we're still here for you.

Personally, I'd rather hear you ramble than not hear you, hon.

Big hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Snow on the ground already here this morning; hot dark coffee in my coffee hole. I've started hanging out in my "nest" in the mornings - journaling, researching some stuff. It's a chance to chat with Buck as we wake up and sort out our day. The little routines that people create in their relationship. That kind of thing is INCREDIBLY comforting to me.

Well, my "leadership plan" is going by the name "charter" now. When I started writing things down, I wound up with a list of 10 or so "virtues" or philosophical principles that are the foundation of developing a working relationship between us and my vision for developing the farm to sustain US and be self-sustaining. There is some redundancy in that list, so it'll be condensed and refined. I just had to start putting my feelings into words. As I moved on into structure and logistics, even MORE feelings started showing up. My discomfort revolves around people not understanding - or just innately knowing - what is required in a group living situation. And the privacy issues which are inescapable. Separate dwellings will relieve an awful lot of that automatically. But what remains, is the fact of my ownership & responsibility -- and I need to make it absolutely clear what I refuse to be responsible for; for what is THEIR responsibility.

All wrapped up in that, is also my boundaries for where particularly Holly's input isn't asked for, welcomed, required or appreciated. If she was truly practicing empathy as claimed, she would accept what I've explained about the work I've done and the "level" I'm at; instead of constantly expressing the message that there is something "wrong", that I need to address; that in HER opinion isn't satisfactory - nevermind it suits me just fine. She is not accepting that I can intentionally CHOOSE to live a quiet, slow life and not seek a lot of external inputs from the world at large. For her, I understand that's form of misery that fuels her frustrations. For me, I find it liberating. Why can't it just BE that we're different?

Her perceptions are a tad distorted and disordered and it is offensive to me, that she doesn't take my word for how comfortable I am with the work I've done years ago and where I am now. I catch her projecting a lot. Sometimes I just let it go and note it to myself. Sometimes, I'm able to gently point it out -- without pushing her hostile defense button. She will be going back to work (as things stand right now) in March and will live in Baltimore again those months. If the pilot episode is picked up, there could be 5 years worth of work. Hopefully, she'll take Steve and the dogs with her because he is a major part of my discomfort. VERY seldom speaks directly to me; VERY seldom makes eye contact even. And doesn't exactly consult me on things he wants to do. He operates in a universe of 1; even where Holly is concerned. But she's taking the co-dependent position and assuming she's responsible and she dare not express her fears, concerns, needs or else risk the ending of the relationship.  <insert mom frownie face>

The Hut will be getting finished while she's working on this production; she'll be beside herself with trusting the contractor & me to make the decisions she would make... and has already had one panic attack regarding her windows and sliding doors. She is already chewing on the decision of turning it down. But I know for a fact that having a structured life, with challenges to her creativity and problem-solving skills, along with the accessible external stimulus that exists in a city would be a huge benefit to her right now. Balancing the time she has to naval-gaze and redesign all the people around her here.

So - she's feeling pressure and yet having a hard time deciding what she's really going to choose to do right now. Several of her good friends are working on this same production and being in those relationships on a daily, working basis would provide some perspective for her. She is craving that. As a counterpoint to what exists here - wide open space, peace & quiet to hear your own thoughts, and a continuity of energy through all the seasons and life cycles. Out here, one has to create one's OWN structure and routines and self-motivate. One also has to be thinking one season ahead to tasks, maintenance, etc. Things still unexpectedly break and need a quick reaction to deal with it -- but most of the planning, organization, and management is always future oriented. MOST of the tasks are the same, season to season... so those can be listed/communicated easily.

But I'm adamant that the "farm" isn't ever going to be a commercial ag place during my lifetime. Not even small time. What we produce will be for us - and if we choose to share we will. I am willing to include individual's commercial enterprises however. Bringing in dollars, for themselves. I'm covering all the expenses around here so far - but that is going change over time, too. I want people to explore and refine their skills, and learn new ones. There's Hol's sewing; Steve's mushrooms & herbal tinctures; Buck's metal work... my various mediums.

So, when I joke about starting my own country... there is a nugget of seriousness in it. Independence is one of those virtues on the original list... and I need to sort out how individual independence can co-exist with group goals/directions and how that necessarily limits my authority/responsibility. After all - it's Hol's future home too. She also has a vested interest here.

So it's ALL boundary work, but in the form of an agreement for how we'll all be able to be happy doing what we want to do here and work well together.

[lighter]

You've been busy, Amber.  What an amazing synopsis of your process. 

The word "charter" seems very right to me too.  This is a communal living space.... a compound..... for yourself, Buck, Hol and their SOs and children.  The plan will have ongoing chapters and that's OK.

I'm curious what the bunk rook looks like at this point.   Will Buck's dd have her own space.... perhaps a bedroom IN the bunk area?  She'll be at college for a while, so plenty of time to think this through.  Having her in your living space, during visits, might be the best thing for your relationship, or the worst thing.  B will lead on that one.  I hope you and his dd get along very well. 

I can't wait to hear more about the self sustaining pieces of the plan. Very exciting!

I wonder if internships could be established for students on your farm.  They could work, bring new ideas and gain experience.  You could mentor and have a process in place for keeping up with the work when you travel, etc.  I love the idea of choice and options in this area.

Lastly.... the idea of creating artist's space.... everyone with their own area..... sounds amazing to me.  I vibe more with your idea of happiness..... I don't need a lot of outside stimulation.  I like peace and quiet.  I like being able to hear myself think, which is difficult when there are many voices with strong opinions.

You'll remind Hol to walk her own path and you'll walk yours.   No drama.  No need to feel resentful while holding stated boundaries with compassion. 

Hol will  learn how to do that for herself, which is a gift. 

Even if it feels like crisis and chaos in our chests.... it's not that, IME. 

  I'm trying to see the truth in these upheavals.   The crisis is just a messenger with information something isn''t working any more.  We need to make a change.  For some of us change is harder or easier, depending on our history. 

Some of us experience change with more fear.  Those who've been fighting and scratching out survival for themselves will have a harder time learning to adjust, bc change has always been challenge and struggle without a winner.    We can remember we have the option to create and hold space while others adjust and test it for themselves.   

Hold till we see the whites of their eyes then continue to hold (without flinching, if possible.) 

 I see planning and writing a charter helps you make sense of your world.  It looks like you're defending quiet safe space for your still small voice to inform and direct the process.  Brava, Amber.   Really: )

Thanks for that update.

Lighter


 

[Hopalong]

Happy to vote for you to run the country, Amber, had I citizenship there!

Here's what worries me:

I'm covering all the expenses around here so far - but that is going change over time, too. I want people to explore and refine their skills, and learn new ones. There's Hol's sewing; Steve's mushrooms & herbal tinctures; Buck's metal work... my various mediums.

Here's the thing. You're supporting a little clan that includes an entitled D who rails at you, challenges your sense of self and disrespects your autonomy, plus her bf who is surly, uncommunicative, and at least passively disrespectful to you.

And you WANT to be the leader. You WANT to direct people in psychological growth and even in what skills/interests they should develop.

I just don't think they really want to be led. And probably don't have much interest in contributing money, either. Doesn't matter who's right. Nobody wants to be directed by their parents these days, as wise and far-seeing as those parents might be. So they are, perhaps not evilly but naturally, working your system and dream for their own benefits, in both passive-aggressive and at time aggressive-aggressive ways. I'm not seeing how this gets better, even with the Hut done.

Sure, there'll be some relief with the building separating y'all. And more perhaps (or perhaps new conflicts and competitions) when Buck arrives. It's as complicated as it appears, maybe moreso. What evidence is there that entitled Hol and Steve will accept B with welcome and grace?

I see it all as a recipe for breaking apart. Or living in a miserable siege state where nobody listens to you because: 1) articulating things brilliantly already, for many months, hasn't stopped the disrespect, 2) being kind and tolerant and an in-house analyst hasn't stopped the disrespect, and 3) you're getting older which in this culture unfortunately rarely confers respect. That they aren't respecting you now doesn't bode well for them suddenly beginning to as your powers naturally diminish.

I'm sorry to be so blunt and hope I'm wrong. Shakers of salt are required because I have experienced complete family breakdown.

My way-more-modest fantasy for you would be: Hol, here's a cottage for you to retreat to when you want to get away from the city. Don't bring your friends. I live here, or I and Buck live here and it is OUR home.

I think all the signs and portents of a functioning compound with you as leader not working out are there. Your D and her coterie are with you but also using you. And I believe, oh so sorry for the bluntness, that no charter or manifesto or written anything will change it as long as the money-house-etc are already given and the seed has been planted. All this will be yours. (Ugly but natural thought from struggling next generation: Will be? I want it now. I want to assert myself and control my own destiny -- quite apart from Amber's plans/dreams for me -- now.)

I've seen such brutality over inheritance EXPECTATIONS, not just in my own family. For Hol, it's been explicit. This will all be yours. And imo, she's claiming way too much too early.

It's the gift and curse of money, I expect. And of the power that has to distort relationships that should be clean, clear and respectful.

Here's my question: Before you get in deeper and deeper and deeper, do you ever have moments where you ask yourself -- do I really want to continue with this president-of-a-family-compound dream?

You've got all our support if the answer's Yes. Of course.
I'm just wondering if some part of you might sometimes think: No.

Buck's no spring chicken either. With grateful and cooperative kids to help, it could be all rosy. But as I see it, they're neither grateful nor cooperative.

Please do correct what's wrong in this as I'm equally positive I'm not seeing the full context and am missing things.

Hope you'll forgive my bluntness. It's just concern for you.

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yes Hops, I well am aware of those pitfalls. And perhaps "leader" is the wrong word - although I do plan to assert my druthers - permit negotiation, suggestion and compromise - and point out (you don't like it, you know where the highway is). I see it more as a coordinator position... and less me telling people: this is the way it's going to be and more... here are ways for all of us to do what we need/want without stepping all over everyone else's toes.

I'm really hoping to put a stop to the extended stay houseguests; despite how helpful John has been in practical (and peacemaking) ways. He's currently peripetetic; here for a few days to a week at a time then gone for days in a row or weeks, too. He is self-sufficient and generous with his time and cooking. He's an EASY houseguest, but it's still an issue for other reasons.

No artist's retreats or interns here Lighter; despite previous ideas to that effect. I'm hoping to keep things to just the 4 of us as "permanent" residents - with visitors in/out. Buck D will become one of those visitors sometimes. I will have two guest rooms; bunk room was changed to accommodate a couple with two twin beds. But since we didn't have the big Holly birthday bash, we haven't had 8-10 people come stay for the weekend.

It could be that Hol really does decide to only use the Hut as a vacation home. I've had to face the facts of what kind of a relationship we have in daily practice vs what we actually feel for each other - and while I love her dearly, we don't have a good relationship because of her badgering me and her insecurities. Perhaps she'll work through this and she CAN be very good company when she's not targeting me, John, former boyfriends, her sister... as obstacles she needs to reform and recreate. If she leaves, nothing changes about the estate (yes, that IS one of her worries but SHE is more a threat to her status than anyone else). I was doing OK, by myself. And I can do OK by myself AGAIN.

Yes, I'm glad Buck will be around - but he is from the old school of behavior & manners and one doesn't treat one's parents that way. Even though his family background is as dysfunctional as mine. Yes that will cause friction. I'm already aware. Which is why I'd really like them to move to the Hut before he arrives - and it does seem that his "earliest date" isn't going happen. So, still looking for a chance to runaway with him somewhere comfortable and romantic - at least the way we see romance. Somewhere outdoors. Or where the outdoors is the "main feature". Still keeping the island in mind Lighter. I need to get a passport again.

[sKePTiKal]

Couple realizations this morning.

I've been dabbling again with astrology & tarot; mostly astrology. This year and especially this month, there is a planetary combination that hasn't happened since The Reformation and Martin Luthor. And because of Holly's and my signs... where we were once united, very strong & indomitable together... we've been in an opposing position for a little over a year now. Helps me to see that this isn't some permanent change that's occurred; it too shall pass.

And in my perusal of related but non-specific items I ran across this INTERESTING article about "Control Dramas" and people's style of them. Today's astrologers combine quite a bit of psychology and energy work, into their readings so that is the influence on the content. The influence of the Saturn - Pluto conjunction in Capricorn is interpreted to inflame those kinds of control dramas. It's from the old Celestine Prophecies. (Yeah, I'm kinda retracing my steps over a few things here and there.) But stripped of all the astrological mumbo-jumbo... these four styles DO exist; I've experienced them... and it helped me see a bit of what of what is driving my normally pragmatic, can-do daughter, a tad too far over the edge.

https://askastrology.com/control-dramas/

[sKePTiKal]

Even co-ordinator is the wrong word. I think I'm going with TEACHER. But what I'm offering as subject matter is not, you must be/do/think x, y, z... it's teaching a process for doing that one's self. Understanding what works, functionally. NOT ideally. And why. It does require me explaining what works for me, and doesn't; and why. And expecting that to be accepted and not challenged to change...

and why no one can tell another person: you need to change THIS WAY.

I imagine - ha - that this will get presented pretty smoothly, if I'm allowed to be the teacher in front of the room. But when we get to the exercise and participation part of it, it might all just go to hell. We'll see. I have herded cats before and have that experience to fall back on. Those cats didn't quite feel so entitled to challenge/criticize me directly... without addressing the content itself.

Meanwhile, at a deeper level I've had a cascade of insights into what's going on - non-verbally - with Holly. Could be wrong, I know that and accept it. But for me, it clears up a lot of the confusion I was experiencing about her behavior.

Sigh. Can't dilly-dally much longer. Need to start the outline. And then meditate, go into the void, and reassess it before scheduling the meeting.

[sKePTiKal]

Sheesh. Not just double-bind, but multiple bindings... changing with the breeze: go in this direction - why'd you do that? - this idea seems oddly too "formal" - why can't we just talk and be casual? (Because it's not acknowledged, heard & acted upon, that's why) - why don't we have a simple agreement? ('Coz it's not a simple situation)

Throw into the mix, that Hol has a childhood memory percolating up (from time w/Dad) that's been giving her nightmares. And it burst forth a couple nights ago; her way of making something conscious and starting to deal with it involves spewing it out among people she trusts. So, nothing overt - just icky, as far as she's concerned. But there is a question in her mind, where her sister was during that episode. Other men, around. Right now, the people she trusts are me & John. She is also clearly engaging in a co-dependent relationship - all the classic symptoms are showing - with Steve.

I think I'm neglecting Buck a little bit, just trying to not get so dizzy I'm throwing up. He did post a funny meme that's appropos... "One of the chains on my mood swing broke; RUN". Between Hol's hormone storms (she just got first period after miscarrying), the tension around here because my way of dealing with a group of people isn't "evolved" enough for the enlightened youngens... (rules? we don't need no stinkin' rules...) I'm not sure if I'm coming or going lately. Makes no nevermind, that while I'm validating her choices - she doesn't want to allow me mine.

And it all rolls into that co-dependency situation. One of her dreams specifically had Steve saying exactly one of the very hurtful things Bovie had said about her - and me, for that matter. Trying to control Hol. And she's going out of her way to "protect him", cover for him, be an intermediary - or "ambassador" - trying to smooth things over... so HE doesn't have to be responsible or engage or face the music about why the only "conversation" he can have with people around him is limited to short phrases or one word answers.

I had a chance to actually talk to - be heard by - Hol while she was relating her memories and feelings. We dredged up some ancient family history and compared notes, filling in gaps of knowledge for each other to get a better picture of what was going on. In the process, I was able to get a couple openings into the Steve subject going. Did she tell S any of this? (no, I didn't want to upset him; I need to protect him) Well, don't you think you want to be able to discuss and share things like this in a true, intimate relationship? Isn't that kind of what "relationship" is?

Between her inflated ego (to cover her self-doubts) and the denial of co-dependence - I straight up mentioned the basics of it the other day... and her rising anxiety level due to multiple very important things coming up: trial date, and likely jail time for DUI; consultation with OB-GYN on testing to try to figure out if she can get pregnant; moving back to B'more for a couple months to work on this series pilot production; and the Holly Hut going into the finishing stages... oh, and irrational fears about Buck - that she simply can't take my trust in him, at face value, until she develops her own.

I only have a couple weeks to have this family meeting before all this next round of change happens. The timing is massively important. Because if the kids come back from B'more and this isn't settled... it's just going to be more of the same crap. She has said she'll consider finding a T to deal with Dad memories AFTER the film project is done. LOL... she said she felt like she'd be wasting T's time, to actually tell the whole story it was so long... and I had to remind her how eloquent, erudite, and yes, sometimes verbose she's become since being a silent 3 yr old with massive temper tantrums. I've had to remind her how formidable she and I are together when we're not opposing each other.  And how stupidly stubborn we both are when we DO face off.

So, I don't exactly KNOW anything for sure right now. Not even sure that "ownership" of property gives me the right to set out some basic expectations for participation in work; and personal tidiness habits, etc.

But then, Hol shocked me by saying she was concerned that I didn't seem interested in HAVING a relationship with Steve. Hey, he's HER sweetie - not mine. I don't even have to LIKE him. It seems funny (odd) to me, to expect us to want to have a relationship. I'm going to settle for a "working relationship" - because I'm pretty sure he's using Hol and reinforcing her co-dependent patterns. And hope that the signs I see of him being a "love 'em & leave 'em" become apparent so Hol can decide if she's going to put with that or not.

Yeah, I'm walking a real fine line here.

Next week, Hol & I will go to art show opening for Matthew -- former house guest, and a pony farm birthday party for 7 yr old Harper -- Hol's personality double. LOL.

[lighter]

CB:

I'm so grateful you're here.  I needed to hear and wanted to say so many things in your post. 

Much of it resonated for me.

Well said.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Amen, and me too.

Obviously mine is a crap example, but if I WERE in an active relationship with an adult daughter with whom I couldn't relate in serenity...I'd work most on releasing her to her independence and own choices and consequences, and stop seeing myself as being in charge of shrinking or analyzing her or steering her this way or that.

It's a weird thing, to step back from enmeshment. But it's so right, in the life cycle.

It's really good news that a T is on Hol's horizon, imo. And of course it won't be only about her Dad...it is natural that her private therapy experience will be about you too. And that's okay. It's good for her to do her own work of individuating from not just bad memories of him, but from current toxic patterns with you. And it's sacred that you not ask her about it, or try to relitigate anything she reports learning. (I'd even suggest gently but clearly shutting down such conversations by expressing respect for a boundary of privacy around therapy that you both need to respect.) That wouldn't be fair to you OR her. This is one great way she can begin to draw her own boundaries and learn how to back off, which will relieve you both, I hope. (In a way you need to do the exact same thing...you both need the same boundary understandings.)

Meanwhile, if you re-enter your own life and your own dreams that don't involve over-custody of a grown 40-y/o adult person, no matter how much you love her or assign yourself unfitting responsibility for her....you will be happier. I believe so anyway.

Sending hope that you become truly able to release her to the universe, which will make space for new love and involvement (hello, B!) into your own adult life.

Big hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

The reason Hol is here, isn't because I wanted to have a close relationship with her. I fully expected she would be away much of the year - working on various film projects. It's because a long-term relationship ended about the same as her work dried up... and she had no where to go and nothing to do with herself, until a new production got started.

From there, before there was a boyfriend too, she talked about needing a headquarters; her own place that no matter what was going on in her life, she could "fall back to". That was how we arrived at the idea of the Hut. She didn't want to buy something in the city; didn't want to live in the city anymore.

I've known she can be difficult for a long time. (And she comes by that honestly; our "issues" are pretty close - and we are slowly working through those.) She's even been with a T before. This last couple days, we've been able to actually talk to - and hear each other. Even if the subject matter is difficult. It's OK; I kept my hand busy in the studio. And she's now in the middle of a quilt. One of those conversations with some long silences in between as we pulled back into our own thoughts for a bit, before re-engaging.

As much as is on her plate presently, the only feasible option is to wait on T, till after the pilot is shot. And you BETCHA it's going to be nice to be alone for a couple months.

As far as the enmeshment goes, Hops - I've been trying to mind those boundaries. But that is apparently contrary to what she wants; what she's asking for. And therein lies the problem. Because I'm resisting engaging in that kind of activity - she's imagining all kinds of evil intent/judgement on my part about her, gets angry with me, and feels free to verbally/emotionally attack me. And I'm well aware that this limits my ability to get her to recognize the co-dependent patterns she's desirous of right now. Steve on the other hand - is validating and encouraging it.

Sigh. And I don't think he's a BAD person. He's impossible for anyone except Hol to interact with - because he is simply silent. For whatever reason - he doesn't feel obliged to even talk about what he's planning to do on any given day; sometimes not even with Holly. He doesn't even respond to direct questions from John; or me... except with one word or short phrases. It seems calculated to make people go away and leave him alone. As in, he can't be bothered to make conversation because the person isn't at all important in his world.

However - he is Holly's choice, so what I can do/say - or expect of him without running afoul of her protective instincts? Right? Every small, ordinary thing I ask is met with an outsized defensive attack. And yet - other people, the other "house guests" simply automatically know to help out around here. They are considerate of my space, me, and my needs. He doesn't even tidy up after himself in the kitchen; just gets up and leaves trash, food mess, dishes where ever. Drags dishes out into the woods and walks away forgetting about them. ???? WTF IS that? I don't even know; but one doesn't do that with other people's things in MY world.

Therefore the "charter". How we can treat each other to avoid conflict and misunderstanding and hurt feelings. A process for planning that allows for freedom of choices - but doesn't tweak my feelings of being steamrolled by people who don't care. SIGH... and I'm not sure I'm talented enough with words to do this in a way that doesn't sound like an edict from "management". LOL.

If I can get Steve to understand that he has to include me in his world - because he's living at my place; and even the Hut is still legally mine until I'm dust - so that I know what to expect in the way of projects in their space... then I have a basis that I know about him. Right now - after a year here - he is a completely unknown entity to me. And if Hol was honest, he is still an enigma to her too.

But she's willing to go to extreme lengths of tolerance, suspension of her needs, to keep this relationship. I know better than to even suggest there is a problem with this. But I KNOW there is a problem with this.

CB, getting my passport renewed is on the list. Buck and I have daydreamed about going some places he's been before.

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry, Amber.
It truly makes me sad to see your dreams of retreat under siege.

I think Hol could return to her independent life and continue T and growing up and visiting the mountain sometimes with notice; meanwhile you could have a great Air B&B with the hut.

It was such an optimistic dream and a lovely one, but she doesn't seem mature enough to help it happen. And inconsiderate hangers-on....selfish entourage. Damn.

It does sound as though Steve does not want a relationship with you. One can't compel compatibility. But you sure as heck shouldn't have to play Mommy to these adults. Dirty dishes? Are you kidding? Ugh. Yet "laying down the law" is probably the only thing you CAN do. They're not going to suddenly embrace family/compound meetings or be inspired by charters if they already behave this way now.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

As to dishes etc...I worry that "rules" are made to be broken by entitled younguns. I don't know how that attitude goes away without somebody saying No and meaning it.

You are doing the very best you can; I worry about the cost to you of all this stress.

Huge hugs,
Hops

PS Just heard a great quote from a T about relationships: "Honor the wish; accept the reality."