Oh, I found a new favorite place, when I got to the quilt shop. A mennonite family owns it, and I was met by the daughters (and maybe a friend or two) I stood in the entrance just taking in the space, the amazing machines, the absolutely PERFECT quilts and breathing in the smell of fabric and thread. The girls just OOZED cheer and bubbly goodwill... and I felt at home, immediately.
The father only needed a little time to look at his notes on this problem, with the out of date machine and I'd barely looked at a couple of potential replacements when it was fixed. He didn't charge me for that; I just needed the touchscreen recalibrated. Then we chatted a bit about manufacturer and the touchscreen issues. I bought a new machine that doesn't HAVE a touchscreen, just mechanical buttons to set stitches and adjustments. It's still in the box. It's my "backup" machine now. I'll keep abusing the old one until the touchscreen goes out again. I've made a note of how to override the menu and get to the screen I need to recalibrate it again. The owner said, it WILL happen again, and again, until eventually it completely fails.
The rest of the day didn't go so well. Buck asked if I wanted him to sugarcoat the news or tell me straight up - while I was stuck in a 5 mile long backup on the highway. Yes, his white blood count is still elevated; but the infection is only in his bloodstream and in layers of fat just under the skin. There isn't any contagion risk from him, unless he's cut and bleeding. Which, he promptly told me I would back away and let him handle it. I said OK, but know that I can glove up pretty quick. He called later, and said - I would also need a mask & gown. Easily acquired. Sometimes injuries happen where you can't reach it yourself.
The implications of this, is that left perennially untreated, eventually the infection will turn septic and kill him. Except he's going to have brand-new doctors up here and perhaps a completely different treatment protocol and level of care. He called to ask me if I still wanted to proceed with the relationship, knowing all this.
He's sensitive to how long I grieved Michael, which is appreciated. But Buck is a different person, in a different situation... and even I'm different now. Our relationship is also different and more transparent, no games or competition, lots more playing... without denying the reality that we're both over 60.
I did take a moment before I told him, I was still "all in". Ask the feelings one more time, if I could handle another loss. But it was just a moment. In order to LIVE, it's necessary to accept that loss can happen at any age or time. And we plan to dance a LOT before then. How could I pass that up? Out of some weird idea of trying to keep myself safe?
Nahhhhhh. I did that too much when I was lots younger. Time to roll the dice some more.
