P:
If you're going to break the news about your marriage to your family at this event.... keep a few things in mind.
1. People don't want to be told what to think, do or feel when we're telling our stories.
2. They're more likely to hear us if we speak about the PD individual with compassion. Always. That means we drop judgment and share facts, preferably those we can prove, bc sometimes people need to see proof.
3. Telling the story with facts we can prove will reduce the confusion involved. It also pares things down into easy to understand bites of information. People don't need your entire history. They can make sense of what's going on NOW for you.....
W yells and rages at you reglarly.
You aren't comfortable or happy with this relationship.
We refuses to hear you or change in order for you to BE OK.
You're considering options for making changes you can live with.
You don't have to go into details about anything. In fact, this is a funeral... it's OK to give the highlights and nothing more if that's what you decide to do. Some people will understand. Some might not. It's OK either way if you have realistic expectations.
I break off contact with people who ask dumb questions or take sides with the PD. And I don't talk to them about it again, bc I find those people challenge my ability to remain level. Some of them are simply drama seekers, trouble makers, lashing out over things from the past and that's OK too. Just let it go and turn towards the people who get it, IME.
You'll likely identify those who GET IT and make them part of my support team. I think about how they can help and I ask for help when I need it. It's OK to need help and to ask for it, P. Making a good plan, then leaning on your supporters to stick to it is a solid plan, IME. Living with the PD during separation is typically crazy making and I'd never do that unless a Judge forced me to, btw.
4. When I first told my story to the people around me I was in fight or flight, completely freaked out and yammering in 10 directions about the crazy, violent, terrifying things the PD was DOING to me or had done to me. If I had to do it again, I'd have crafted my story around my evidence.... what I could prove. People need a story to square up and they undestand physical and verbal abuse. They understand selfishnish and control and they understand trying very hard to make things work, then concluding things can't work after trying everything, IME.
I guess I'm saying.... think about what you want to say before you go to the funeral. Who you'll say it to. You don't want this to turn into the P show, bc it's a funeral. It is a place where your family will gather and you can inform them of your situation without everything turning into THAT, IMO.
Remember.... treat stupid questions as opportunities to educate your audience. Pretend your'e speaking to children...... it will help you speak calmly, keep it short, simple and skip getting defensive,w hich is important too, ime.
Stay Covid safe in the ways that make sense to you. I feel like you've given this a lot of thought. I love the idea of having a place with an outdoor entrance. I like the idea of outdoor bbq's and gatherings in the outdoors.
Celebrate your lost loved one in the way you need to and don't let W's actions ruin that for you.
Don't let M rage at you either, if you can help it. That's not acceptable. You don't deserve it. You can protect yourself and keep yourself safe, P.
Lighter
