Friendship Moments: good or bad

[Hopalong]

On an inexplicable impulse, called my retired friends in NC. (The couple who lost their son and got the call when we were together one day.) Best humans ever.

He answered and told me she died Monday. I'd known she'd been ill, but there it is.

Very sad but sweet and deep-friendship conversation. I feel grateful I had the impulse. Will go visit him in fall I think. Stay with his daughter or their retirement place's guest room.

He's a brave and soulful person and will manage his grief. Still, hard to see their union of I think nearly 60 years end.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Awww,, Hops..... I  know it's sad, but they had 60 years together and that's amazing to me. 

I hope you do visit and it's a comfort to all 3 of you.

Where in NC do they live?  Not specifically, of course. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Not too far from Charlotte.
He's a dear man who has drawn in many new friends after just two years there.
I think he'll be okay but it'll be hard. He has an implanted pain pump but suffers quite a lot from back issues.

To me the unusual impulse to call was...one of those things.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Sounds like you have some travel plans to put in place, Hops.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hopefully I'll feel up to it by fall.
Just don't, for now.

[lighter]

I think the Fall is plenty soon enough, Hops. 

Not feeling up to it doesn't mean it's good or bad... it's just not time.

Visiting in the cool or Autumn seems more desirable than the heat of summr, anyways.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

This recent-widower friend is coming to visit in September.
I'm glad.

Must tidy house.

And, I have a huuuuge crush on this guy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POSINUv6cjE

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Well that's terrific news, Hops.

I love fall weather.

Here's to enjoying the creation of sacred space to enjoy with friends..... drinks by the firepit for all!

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I've missed a lot of posts over the last few months, Hopsie, and hadn't seen this one.  I know it was a while ago now but I wanted to say I'm very sorry that you lost your friend, and your friend lost his wife.  I hope he was/is able to come and visit you.  It's so very hard when something so lovely comes to an end.  I know it happens with everything in life, but still.  Hugs to you x

[Hopalong]

Poet is struggling and I can't help her. Accepting that, releasing it.
But still sad and disturbed.

She's putting together a book of her poetry with illustrations from a friend of hers. This took ambition, focus, discipline and imagination. I think a reading she gave recently at a huge downtown church that's into poetry kickstarted her. She did a stunning collaborative event where the poems were spaced apart by episodes of remarkable sound and images of the elements: earth/air/fire/water/space. I've written a blurb for the back of her book she's pleased with.

The sad part is that she goes through intense attacks of insecurity and self-hatred, and goes after her own self-esteem with razor jaws. It makes me so sad for her. She was the quiet mouse in a family of very high-powered people, and that plus her abuse in Africa when she was very young....just broke her. She feels invisible and enraged by that but on some level has discarded herself. Ego comes out to give her strength. She's performing but not present. Breaks my heart.

So there's that. Another small part of me gets bothered by how she sends me now and then an infernally accurate description of her psychic state, which is agony, and then next time we speak she's all la-la-la, everything's fine now. But maybe she doesn't realize how distressing it is. I DO want to be there for her, and will continue. But also sometimes feel dumped on -- she's saying, I can't hold this much dark and sticky self hatred, you hold it for me. And of course I try to lift her out of it. Then feel sickened myself.

There. Nothing to do really. I hope I haven't just done the same thing I'm complaining about ... dumped HER stuff on Y'ALL while trying to get it off ME!

hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well the good thing about posting online is that people dip in and out as they want to so there's no dumping - we all make choices whether to log in or not, read or not, reply or not.  There's no pressure or obligation so I think this is a good place for you to let off some steam about someone else's steam.

Her book sounds amazing   Brilliant thing to be involved in.  Is there anyway you can avoid reading/trying to lift her out of it every time?  I'm just wondering if you can stop reading when you realise it's going to be one of those emails, reply with a 'sorry things aren't great, did you see the review about such and such publication' and then wait for the 'everything's rosy again' contact?  It sounds like her insightful moments affect you more than they do her.

It is very hard, I had a friend at one time who used to vent for an hour, on the phone, without drawing breath.  Always about the same events, similar to your friend, there was a childhood event that had caused this loop and having been stuck in so many of those in my life I listened, soothed, advised - and waited for the next call to go through it all again.  It wore me out so badly and yet it wasn't really necessary.  I could have put the phone on the side, come back an hour later and she wouldn't have even known, she'd have just been at the end of her monologue by then.  Unfortunately for me the one and only time I did say no to her ended the friendship which made me very sad, it was good in other ways.  I do understand anyone's reluctance to do things differently, it feels like walking on egg shells sometimes xx

[Hopalong]

You're exactly right, Tupp -- the challenge is to continue practicing the detachment muscles with her. I'm waaay better at it than I was a few years ago. She's coming to stay for a week later this month so I'd better get those exercises underway.

And of course, the la la la everything's just fine email arrived in two days. I wish she could perceive and take on her own patterns but I think her stuff is so entrenched that hoping for change is unrealistic. I actually feel better when I let go of hoping. I've got plenty of my own patterns to work on.

I'll get good practice both in listening and caring about someone important to me, though, and in NTTFI. Not trying to fix it. We'll have fun too: puppy, poet friends and she's promised me a belated bday pedicure!

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

I felt both more detached and braver when she started talking to me about the book's intro.

It's a somewhat transparent effort to TELL the readers how to interpret, recognize and value the poems. I'm used to more modest and not-self-forward comments from poets in their collections. So after we talked a while, I told her so. And she greatly appreciated it and is sending me her intro and bio to edit.

She completely got it. I told her (lovingly) that the insecurity was cropping up in her "author voice" and that her lovely poems can (and should) speak for themselves.

Whew. Meanwhile, during the tail end of our Zoom (I was outside) Pup completely disappeared and I thought he was gone forever. PANIC. Then he climbed out of a perennial bed, all proud, with a dead vole (or something similar) to deposit on the doorstep.

Is there a thing such as toxic dog masculinity? LOL. So relieved to have him back.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I'm glad you're practicing acceptance and speaking your truth.  I wish it felt more natural/comfortable than it does.

Sounds like you'll have a nice visit with poet friend, Hops.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter. I'm truly praticing it and feeling much more at ease.

hugs
Hops