Mothering Again, con't.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Tupp.
I know my periodic daughter posts must be tedious. Everybody here has it memorized! The "can she live with you?" was a new wrinkle, but I'm glad he wrote.

I remember you mentioned how tiring it is to hear from people stuck in a self-destructive loop, but I also know that this was probably the last boundary I'll have to set. Although I don't feel happy about it, it does feel like I did the right thing.

It's just like when somebody turns over a compost pile, when her crises and email campaigns hit my Inbox. Emotional worms!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

This isn't a self destructive loop though, Hopsie, it's an ongoing situation which is a very different thing.  Whether you have contact or not it doesn't change the emotional turmoil that comes with a situation like this.  I've not spoken to my mum for years, you know all the stuff that went there, but I still think about her everyday.  I think the thing that a lot of people don't realise is that no or low contact doesn't magically fix a situation, it just lessens the number of ways and times that you can get hurt.  It doesn't stop it hurting, just means that you don't keep getting fresh ones on a daily basis.

I think there's a big difference between doing what you can - setting boundaries, helping/communicating when it's useful/necessary, trying to stick to your own lane and make sure you take care of yourself - and endlessly repeating the same pattern without changing anything or taking any action.  It's 'repetition without any action' that I find tiring with some people I know, not hearing about a tough situation someone is experiencing and how they're getting through it.  This is definitely the place to air those mother/daughter thoughts.  It's hard not to respond to other people's cries for help but with everything else that's gone on it is the right thing to do.  You've got to fasten your own life jacket first. xx

[lighter]

Ugh....I sensed that gut punch all the way here, (((Hops.)))

"Can she live with you?" 
She can, and has, but can't bc it creates an unsafe environment for you.

It would be unwise to dismiss the truth when you're mother's heart wails, ime. It wouldn't create safety for your DD.  It would move you both into destructive and unsafe territory, imo.

 Boundaries are stabilizing.  They create  safe space to be responsive in constructive ways, as with the dental care.

(((Hops)))

















 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, y'all.
Our lives would be a lot more peaceful (hers and mine) if they just created some safe, free housing for people who cannot afford or manage on their own. She has jumped through a lot of hoops and is resourceful enough to pursue public services. Now she's at an extended-stay hotel near the airport, I think it's the bottom rung for her, and she needs to secure the room for another month. Then there'll be another month, etc. Without transportation, it takes her half a day to take a bus to the library for an hour on a computer, so booking appointments and searching for some kind of employment is exhausting. She's on two dozen pills a day.

Now I'm fantasizing (only) that if I cut spending to the bone marrow maybe I could pay her housing for a while. But my experience of paying for her dental work, which I'm still glad I did, is that it was like a crack in the dam. She's been doing "emergency appeals" online and by email for years and years. Partly it's her own ADHD, which inspires profound disorganization and procrastination (you know I know). On top of bipolar, Asperger's, ADHD and Addisons disease....poor kid (at 43). She just doesn't have control of her thoughts to a degree that will get her out of this mess.

All her problems would be solved if I weren't here. Nope, I'm not suicidal. It's just a fact. She'll inherit this little house and whatever cash is left, if any. Security. I'm just wondering if she'll make it that long.

I really understand how much you've worried about Son, (((((Tupp))))). You've shown a level of resilience I can only aspire to.

Thanks for listening. I'm so grateful there's this safe space to let the uglies out.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, y'all.
Our lives would be a lot more peaceful (hers and mine) if they just created some safe, free housing for people who cannot afford or manage on their own. She has jumped through a lot of hoops and is resourceful enough to pursue public services. Now she's at an extended-stay hotel near the airport, I think it's the bottom rung for her, and she needs to secure the room for another month. Then there'll be another month, etc. Without transportation, it takes her half a day to take a bus to the library for an hour on a computer, so booking appointments and searching for some kind of employment is exhausting. She's on two dozen pills a day.

Now I'm fantasizing (only) that if I cut spending to the bone marrow maybe I could pay her housing for a while. But my experience of paying for her dental work, which I'm still glad I did, is that it was like a crack in the dam. She's been doing "emergency appeals" online and by email for years and years. Partly it's her own ADHD, which inspires profound disorganization and procrastination (you know I know). On top of bipolar, Asperger's, ADHD and Addisons disease....poor kid (at 43). She just doesn't have control of her thoughts to a degree that will get her out of this mess.

All her problems would be solved if I weren't here. Nope, I'm not suicidal. It's just a fact. She'll inherit this little house and whatever cash is left, if any. Security. I'm just wondering if she'll make it that long.

I really understand how much you've worried about Son, (((((Tupp))))). You've shown a level of resilience I can only aspire to.

Thanks for listening. I'm so grateful there's this safe space to let the uglies out.

hugs
Hops

You have the same level of resillience, Hops, it just shows in a different way.  You've maintained a loving relationship with your D, but one that doesn't involve you enabling her in any way.  You've weathered the pain and the heartache, got on with life without becoming bitter and cynical (that in itself is no mean feat) and you're practical about the reality of the situation going forward.  Yes you could cut to the bone and help her again short term.  But as you say, it's short term, what happens the next time, and the next, and the next?  None of us have limitless supplies of anything.  It's harder to say no because it is the sensible thing to do.  Head over heart is always more difficult, in my opinion, especially with those we love.

I do agree with you completely about the need for safe, available housing for people with vulnerabilities.  I've known so many people over the years who just can't cope and they expend so much time and energy meeting their most basic needs that they can never move forward.  It seems to me it would be cheaper long term to provide the basics in certain situations and avoid the repeated crisis events that keep coming up.

Here's hoping something does come along that helps her with her current situation, Hopsie, but I think you've done the right and sensible thing xx

[sKePTiKal]

I wondered how you were doing Hops. I've been kinda MIA too. The heat has been just brutal, but we finally got a little rain (all the churches here were asking people to pray for it; drought again), B's gone again... and Hol is in transition. I understand the feeling about coming untethered, just kinda flattened/deflated.

Hol got me wrangled into helping her, support Amy's boys in their search for independence & distance from their mom. There's a weekend camping trip planned with her friend & her boys (that have met the other two years ago) in a few weeks. Hol bought them an older pickup with bed cap & I'm covering tags & insurance for a year. We're gonna sort/collect a lot of our camping equipment for extra stuff (I still have lots) and donate that to get them set up to travel away from "home". Hol is driving them/teaching them what she knows about driving and cars back home then flying back - maybe; maybe renting a car. There is going to be discussion of programs like Outward Bound and Americorps, especially for the older boy (now 23) and Hol's friend works sometimes as a teacher's aide for kids on the spectrum.

We still don't really believe he's autistic or aspergers (more likely) - but the presentation is the same, with severe emotional trauma/neglect in early childhood. In his case, at any rate. Because he DOES learn, and now that he's older, he's expressing himself just about like any other young man his age. Even said he wants to do some therapy.

So, my part in this isn't that big - just backing up Hol and dogsitting. I didn't think she still had her cape... but, I guess she does. Amy isn't making many changes in her life or growing much. And we don't want to see her lifestyle drag the boys down before they even get a chance to spread their wings a bit.

It just feels like we're pissin' in the wind, to me. Maybe just knowing there ARE people who care & support them, matters more than the transportation in this case. They have been TRYING to work, but transportation is essential in their rural location.

And I loathe the total feeling of "ick" I get whenever that topic of her sister comes up. Just brings up all kinds of half-forgotten FOO stuff for me. The nightmares. But, I did crawl out from under and escaped. So I'm hoping the boys are able to turn this "help" into a way out, too.

So, I get it Hops. We both know, this too shall pass. And the universe has a way of protecting it's own. I'm glad the Sikh is helpful.

[Hopalong]

WOW.
Bless you both for helping those boys escape Toxic Mom.
I'm so sorry. But so impressed. You bet, you and Hol both deserve those capes.

I felt something related when my D's half-brother (from Beijing, even!) expressed what sounded like a commitment to work with the other brother (in DC area) to tackle the question of what safe housing might be findable for her. I am SO relieved that the next generation feels some obligation to care for a drowning sibling.

No idea whether it'll all work out, but gratitude for these young men (pushing 40) is welling up.

I hope it works out for you and yourn.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You too Hops. We never stop worrying about the bairns, do we?