Thanks, Lighter. I've been trying to find and focus on some sort of business son and I can run from home, something that involves him, is flexible enough to fit around our different needs during the day and that brings in a bit of money (truthfully the most important bit!). I've been reading books about money in general, practical stuff about making it and increasing it, as well as the more fundamental stuff about our beliefs regarding it and how they shape us.
Different things have come up for me doing it. I do have a negative view of money. I see the pursuit of it as exploitative and am aware that, unless you produce everything yourself from scratch, something or someone along the line wasn't treated well. I know that's problematic for me, it stems, of course, from watching my mum berate, humiliate and ultimately divorce my father after he lost his money, she horded large amounts of wealth in the form of jewellery and antiques whilst pleading poverty and sending us to school in second hand uniforms and cheap and nasty school shoes, there was never enough money for school trips but she always had enough for booze, and then when stepfather moved in he got to do whatever he wanted, including assaulting her own kids, as long as the cash rolled in. So my anti-money stance is understandable, I think, but it isn't helpful.
So I've been trying to work through that and for me, it's doing things like yoga and meditating that help, I just don't find affirmations or 'change your mindset' useful for me. Various things have come up, unpleasant memories, head shaking at my own stupidity at times, very intense loneliness. I've picked and plodded through, sometimes it's very frustrating, other times it feels fairly easy. Yesterday I realised how much I've focused on changing and improving myself, in the hope that 'the life I want' will happen and everything will change (you are faulty, Tupp, fix yourself and everything else will get better). The need to do that lifted and I realised I should put my energy into making money and setting us up for the future, and forget the self improvement (I've never had a moment in my life of feeling like I shouldn't be doing better in myself). Late last night I found myself sobbing in bed; no-one has ever loved me. Truly, my whole life, I've not had a person in my life who just loved me and accepted me. I've always had to work so hard to get scraps from toxic people and I've never been able to bring anything about that involved emotionally healthy people and solid relationships. Don't get me wrong, I've got friends, lots of people have been very kind and very nice to me over the years, but I look at the way I feel about my son, the life I've strived to create for and with him, and the fact that he's solid enough in his feelings to be a little git at times and not worry about it, and I've never had anyone feel like that about me. It was hugely painful, I couldn't stop crying and I did do that thing of more or less crying myself to sleep. But I woke up this morning less foggy headed than usual, my jaw doesn't feel like someone's stamped on it (it's usually very painful in the mornings) and that feeling like I need to do something extraordinary in the hope that someone will find me tolerable just doesn't seem to be there. I've got my money book and notepad to hand ready for my morning reading session, I've done my list of things to do before we head out for the day and the meal for this evening is ready and just needs to go in the oven when we get home. Tea has been drunk, incense burned, water is poured ready to drink and I just don't feel like I've got that 'thing' looking over my shoulder all the time. I don't know if it will last! Sometimes these feeling are fleeting. But I hope it does, it certainly feels easier than my normal state. We'll see. It's cold lol.
