pray for me please

[Anonymous]

Hi. I feel sad and upset at myself for not being able to take care of my inner children. Why do the abuse memorie it taints the sky. Having trouble dealing with how horribly I've treated myself considering there are 4 kids inside of me, it makes me feel like a criminal , which is not helpful to my kids at all I know. To let children suffer so much and not be able to do anything about it.I'm sorry if this letter is icky. Somehow I admit to feeling like I can't manage.  I have been staying in bed and having a hard time eating food much.Thank you so much for all of your prayers. These last days have felt a little lighter I think that it is all the prayers of you guys so thank you so much. I love you Love Bloopsy and the gang. I always felt like I had to follow my dad to the ends of the earth and when he died I felt like I was being buried with him all the dirt over like a skeleton??? It is so hard to think that I matter but on the other hand I know that my kids matter so much. For a little bit I was actually like I guess I like myself because I like my kids and that is likeing myself?? Maybe just not the tapes, that are so hurtful, of the way we (???) was raised. I don't like my tapes but I like myself and my kids so that is a miracle. Thank you so much for being there and all your prayers. I love you this board all you people with all the acceptance. Love, B

[Anonymous]

Hi Bloopsy:

Sorry you are in bed and not eating much.  That's not too good for you.
Will you have some soup?  And some fruit?  Do you like yogurt?  A whole wheat bagel?  

You need food to help your brain work properly and help yourself out of your slump.  Please get up and eat a little bit?  Have some milk or juice or even a nice cup of tea?

About the tapes......I think we all have to work at replacing the tapes with new tapes....with good stuff in the new tapes.....nice thoughts/pictures/etc.

I know it sounds simple but it's not.  It takes great effort.  We all have to keep trying and trying to ban the bad tapes and create the new ones.  I hope you will keep trying Bloopsy.

Sometimes I find it so hard to live in the now.  I focus on the past and keep remembering stuff that I cannot change and that was not nice.

The thing I have to do....is stop myself, sometimes.  Tell myself to move forward, not back.  Nag myself.  Maybe this is not for everyone but it's all I know how to do.  I can't erase the tapes.  I can't change the content.  I can only make new ones, think of now and the future, imagine good things and hope for better than those old crappy tapes.

Hope this helps a little.

((((((((Bloopsy)))))))

GFN

[longtire]

Hi Bloopsy and gang.  I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.  I like you and I believe many others here like you as well.  Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.  Sometimes that may mean eating even when you really don't feel hungry.  I do think that you love yourself and your inner kids.  It sounds like you are just not sure yet what to do about that.

((((((((((Bridget&kids)))))))))

[Anonymous]

Thank you guys so much for your kind words and your advice about eating. I am in despair. I remember my stepdad doing bad things to me but one part of my mind is like no he couldn't have done that you are just using that as an excuse because of the way that you cannot function. I hate that. All I want is to be able to make a little life for me and my kids where there is no more abuse and let me scream now NO MORE ENABLERS OF ABUSE. NO MORE SHAME AT NOT BEING ABLE TO FUNCTION WHEN THEY SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME. And then they give me food but I know that it is POISON FOOD. sorry for explicit language but FUCK THEM ALL Fuck my whole entire damnn familuy liveing on lies and my mom marrying pedophile men and not even giving me a hug when I told her what happened., I met a woman at Alanon who gave me a hug at KFC and all the pain and need to destroy myself went away for a little whilw and then I came back to this house of deciet which I carry with me everywhere I go and I am always to blame and they are the nice guys who give me food and shelter and guess what I am not gratefu;l not greatful at all not greatful lto one tiny ounce of my bone for anything that they give me ever ever ever. I feel greatful for this board and for SIA and actually I have a hard time feeling greatful for my therapist for because my mom pays for her is that crazy or what. I jsut don't feel greatful for anything that she gives me if it means I have to die for it and I did not make that up that I had to die for her for her poison surface love where the first thing she said when I told her I had gone into hidoing when I was 13 was can't we just pretend everything was okay like this story she had written about an idyllic what the fuck childhood home well sorry mom most of my childhood you pawned me off on the most fucked up assholes in the world who would abuse me and then taunt me when I turned my head away. And then bring me to live with another monster where me and my sister didn't even have our own roome and the old man upstairs would harass us and peek down into the bathroom at me  and yell if I flooded the floor too much. And sleep out in the open and no she didn't care one little whit I don't think. I'm sorry fo rthe vitriolic everything. I blamed myself it feels like I will always be a blamed criminal all I want to do is die life is a bad scen or at least it was trying not to die thank you for being here I love you this is my home please don't abandon me loveB

[d'smom]

im still keeping you in my thoughts! all of you. :}
ive heard 'to the extent you can get angry is the extent to which you can heal' so please, you have a right to feel angry and upset.
i have a lot of trouble eating too. i have to eat very specific things when im down and look at it as a treat sometimes. like, soup. it takes a lot of effort to find something i can eat, that will make me feel ok about giving it to myself.

i dont feel i deserve to be nourished. have to remember, i do. i pretend its my birthday and am getting my favorite food. i can hve anything i ask for. that helps.

still thinking about you.
d'smom