((((((((Chutzbagirl)))))))))):
You wrote that you want him to buy you a card and appologize.....and way back you wrote:
His low desire for intimacy I think has more to do with his low grade depression and almost nonexistent desire for emotional intimacy.
So, in your opinion....he does not have much of a desire for emotional intimacey and he is depressed.
Then, you mention how he's laughing at the tv (and you feel so alone...tryng not to quote you--which by the way...I like to quote because it helps me to keep from making mistakes about what the person said/wrote....which I will make a lot of mistakes, probably, if I rely on this poor, old, beatup memory of mine..
Sorry when I do that).
I think you also said something to the effect that his whole family was unemotional and cold. And that it would help you to have some empathy for this man....your husband.
Ok.....so picture a little boy growing up in a family that does not express, value, show, consider, share, understand, etc...emotions. A very intellectual place....when no one speaks about what they feel....only about what they think. There aren't any hugs or kisses. There are no soothing words, when he is hurt. There is no one saying caring things....I love you...you're special....I value this or that about you...to him. No one expressing joy or sadness, anger or fear, admiration, sympathy, or love. What does a little boy learn under such conditions??
Behaviour-wise.....he learns to be intellectual, speak about thoughts, which might make him appear to have no desire for intimacy. Emtoionally....he learns to keep silent, contain, be tough. But if you think about it....do you think it might be possible that he simply feels weird...when strong feelings come out/when people express feelings/when he feels stuff but doesn't know how to express it (because he hasn't learned)??? And weirder still when he sees others expressing emotions? I mean.....how would he know how to do this? How would it feel right? How would it seem normal? At the least.....it seems to me it might feel really confusing and foreign to him, even now, as an adult.
Maybe....there is a possibility......that he does want intimacy.....but doesn't have a clue about how to do it? Maybe....he just doesn't do intimacy because he hasn't leaned how?? I'm guessing.....big time....and trying to imagine what he may be feeling inside.
And fear!!! To admit it? To show such weakness.....when you yourself view him as a rock! He himself....maybe thinks of himself as being a rock...not needing deep emotional connections...because he's survived this far without them. Not that he doesn't want them but doesn't have a clue how to be intimate and thinks it isn't necessary anyway?? He doesn't know the value/depth of connection/true benefits of sharing emotions.
Maybe he has no understanding about them?
Buy you want a card and an appology. I understand why you want these and how much this would mean to you and how it would show you something intimate from him.
But it's like wanting lotion from a soap dispenser. There isn't any lotion there right now...because it wasn't taught and doesn't seem important to him. Or maybe it does seem important but he's terrified to admit it. So he's depressed. He feels very sad and low and hopeless. Maybe worthless. Useless, as far as intimacy goes. Damaged, when he's supposed to be a big, strong rock.....expected to come along and be there for you...when he can't guess how to do that or why it's up to him? He was taught to just get over it. Not to express it, share it, talk about it, or even that it is ok to feel it. His way of feeling better is to watch something that makes him laugh...on tv. It's a good thing too...sometimes. But as you clearly know...it's not much help to him in the intimacy department.
So....your T telling you to forgive him......(which I might suggest....get a pillow and pound the heck out of it...get your anger out...cry...do whatever to release the feelings....and then think about the stuff above here)....and to move toward him.....may be his (T's) way of telling you that your husband simply does not know how to move toward you.
This is a decision only you can make. Whether or not you want to go to him and try to express feelings and expect....nothing.....for awhile, in return. Your example may help. Especially if you express empathy. If you explain how you care and want to share with him....and are willing to do whatever it takes to help him learn to do that....maybe you will strike a nerve? Maybe he will begin to become vunerable and take the risk of opening up a little.
Because right now....my bet is....he is trying his best to stay safe/in his non-vunerable shell of non-emotion/where it doesn't feel weird/ where he can be a rock/ or......
he might be escaping there because he is so afraid of not being capable of learning intimacy, of learning the benefits, of feeling connected to you and more so....of looking like an idiot/worthless/piece of soap....to you.
Hope this helps a little Chutz. It's so hard to give when what we really want is to be given something....love, understanding, soothing words, hugs and kisses. Sending those over this cyber space...just to you...from me. I know it's not much...but I mean well.
GFN
