Relearing how to live

[2224Jessica]

Hi Guys,
I have so many self help books about life it's not funny. I feel like you only get one shot at life and I want to do it right.  I want to be a great friend, the best wife and mother I can be. Its like I am parenting myself how to be. Its like my parents didn't teach me the right skills so I have to teach myself. The things I had  to relearn are: self esteem, boundaries, conflict resolution, accepting myself, communication skills, how to parent, dysfunctional family systems, my rights, caring for thers etc etc....

What sort of things did you guys have to relearn after being brought up by narcissist parents or having  a narcissist partner..
Jessica

[Sela]

Hi Jessica:

Pretty much what you've listed and I don't think I've relearned it all yet either.  I just feel like I had an "abnormal" childhood and so I missed a lot of "normal" information.  Also, some not so great habits were formed and that is something of a challenge to work on but I'm trying.

I'm definately still learning.

  Sela

[darky]

same here jessica, self esteem is a big issue with me, listening to myself, being independant, working very hard to do the exact opposite with my kids than my mum was with me, making freinds and accepting their qualites rather than doubting their intentions, moving on, reprograming my mind and padlocked it so no one else gets in there 

[longtire]

Jessica,
Here's my view.  The big one I had to learn was to trust myself.  That is self-esteem in action.  Actually, I'm still working on it, but have come a long way from where I used to be.  Most of the other things that you list flow in one way or another from trusting myself and my perceptions, especially what I see and hear.  In other words, giving my existence the same weight as I give everyone else's.

When I trust myself:

• I know where my boundaries are and how much work I am willing to do to enforce them.
• I know my position and how important something is to fight for my position.  Most of the time conflict resolution is looking for a mutually beneficial solution.  Sometimes, though, conflict resolution is me giving in when it isn't that important to me.  Sometimes it is sticking to my guns when it really IS that important to me.
• It isn't about my rights, it is about what I want.  I have the right to want what I want and to ask for what I want.
• I don't have to doubt the intentions of others.  I simply know what I need in any situation.  If the situation is not healthy or positive for me then I decide what I need to do to take care of myself.
  

Some of the things you listed like communication skills, how to parent, caring for others, etc. seem more like techniques to me.  In other words, something we could take a class in and learn the formulas and patterns to and then just practice to get good at.  Assuming that we already have good self-esteem and trust ourselves.

It seems like the HOW of learning to trust ourselves is the hard part.  Most people here seem to have grown up in an environment where the "family story" did not fit reality.  So we learned fit ourselves into the family story, rather than reality.  The problem with this is that reality just keeps coming back time and time again until we learn to deal with it.  Looking back, I can't identify one big thing that brought this home.  It was a whole bunch of tiny steps over time and learning to trust each small step toward self-esteem.  It was not allowing myself to see the situation as I expected it to be, or wanted it to be, or thought it should be.  It was forcing myself to face the situation as it was and "just" accepting it.  Odd how keeping my feelings out of the process at this point allows them to be more in tune when I look to find out how I feel like responding.  Feelings are a poor way to discern reality, but the best way for me to figure out how to respond to situations.  I just got that!

[Hopalong]

I've told people that I don't need a nightstand because I have such a huge stack of self-help books.

I am very grateful for them. They (most of them) have been friends, advisors, teachers, and revelatory guides when I have been overwhelmed by confusion, loneliness and a repetition compulsion for bad relationships.

So have a few Ts, a few special friends, a minister or two.

The real miracle is that lately, it's starting to be my own voice that guides me. I feel as though I'm integrating all this stuff I grasped for so desperately for so many years.

I'll never, ever be done learning or stop being curious about how we are made, how we are hurt, and how we heal.

But when I really know I'm doing well is when I get lost in the moment of being alive, or start to create something. Or even just sit in simple peace. (Vespers helps, since we share silence. I go there for how-to-be-quiet lessons.)

Doesn't matter when we learn things...our own benchmarks are just where they are.

Hops

[2224Jessica]

Thanks guys,
Thanks  Sela and Darky, You two have been like  a breath of fresh air. I feel like we are on the same  page.

But when I really know I'm doing well is when I get lost in the moment of being alive, or start to create something. Or even just sit in simple peace. (Vespers helps, since we share silence. I go there for how-to-be-quiet lessons.)

Fantastic Hopalong, I know that alive feeling, and  that feeling of peace. Also I agree with you, I'll never stop learning either.

Some of the things you listed like communication skills, how to parent, caring for others, etc. seem more like techniques to me.  In other words, something we could take a class in and learn the formulas and patterns to and then just practice to get good at.  Assuming that we already have good self-esteem and trust ourselves.[/color]

Longtire, Wow, you are soooo right, I have been learning all about techniiques and thats the easy part. There is no easy way to learn how to trust yourself or others. Or feel accepted, belonging etc. Yes, It is what it is and I need to accept every honest reality. I'm also learning that it can hurt to find out things about yourself you don't like. But to accept it and own it is what helps too. So information is head knowledge, we do need that but inner work is more vital. I don't want to do the right thing but not feel it. Thankyou so much for yout input and help.

Jessica

[write]

self-help is good.

nothing is better than your own good therapist- especially one who recognises their limitations ands ends you on to another 'expert'.

Mostly though we know how to live, just choose to ignore it.