Lost My Job and Doubting Myself

[Bones]

Dear Bones,

  Still in your corner here and the words that come to mind are.... "Arise, shine, for your Light has come..."

  More hugs, too.

With love,
Hope

Thanks, Hope.

Bones

[Bones]

Bones, in one day I lost my "bread and butter" assignment (one that I had for four years) and I was arrested (for something I didn't do - accused by the same person who got me fired) and I wound up in a jail cell for two days!!!

All I will tell you is when God closes one door, he opens another.

I realize at a later time that the job I lost was one I desperately wanted to get out of anyway.  It gave me an opportunity to focus on other things I had been neglecting, and I was able to write and publish a book. That year, I made more money than I had in any of the four years I worked at the other job, and i was beginning to heal from my wounds.

The loss and the betrayal and the being falsely accused was actually a replay of my family dynamic.  I had recreated the same situation and the players in my play had done the exact same thing to me my FOO did -- but I was able to learn from it and grow.

The experience humbled me and juggled my life up but when the dust settled certain things became clear and my perspective was fine tuned.  I could see a lot better what was needed in my life and what was not.

I'm just hoping retelling my own experience will give you some hope,

((((((((((((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, JacMac.

I can see the same issues happening at this facility where I was accused of vague stuff that I KNOW I did not do....just like my Family of Origin did to me, and watching the same crazy-making, double-bind games being played again.

Bones

[Stormchild]

Thanks, Stormchild.

I have been trying to sleep and keep waking up with nightmares.  This morning's nightmare had me dreaming that I had been called back to work only to be confronted, as soon as I walked in the door, with "We've changed our minds and have decided to have you arrested for trespassing."  I gave up trying to sleep after that nightmare.

This sounds like PTSD. Nothing to be ashamed of, but based on your other posts, this place where you worked sounds more like open source Marat-Sade, than a workplace. [I've been in similar circumstances. I have no trouble believing it.]

You may need desensitization.

I understand the problem with meds. You probably know most anxiolytics are much more habituating than people are commonly told. Have you considered anything like theanine? It's quite effective and doesn't seem to get 'hooks' into people, and green tea with lemon taken several times a day may be an effective starter dose to try. It does induce liver enzymes, mostly UDPGT, but all that is likely to do is increase your ability to handle things like acetaminophen.

[Certain Hope]

Bones and Stormy,

  I had a similar response (nightmares, a nearly continuous state of anxiety and panic) immediately following high-school graduation. I think that's partly what propelled me in a very premature marriage in an attempt to escape the pressure of "not knowing" what the future might hold. This particular parochial school was so academically, college-prep oriented and SO lacking in preparation for life in the "real world" that I truly felt like a fish out of water when that season of my life was completed. I'd forgotten about those dreams... of showing up for class without a major assignment and being reprimanded (after spending hours working on the term paper and then "forgetting" to bring it with me)... of marking in those little dots on the answer sheets of tests, hour after endless hour, only to find out that I'd been off one line and so all of the answers were wrong... whew. None of these things ever happened in actuality, only in my dreams. The pressure was tremendous and thinking back, Bones... I'd suggest writing down a list of all the things you've done RIGHT in your life, big and small, and read through that list regularly, adding to it as new remembrances arise.
In fact, I might just make one of those lists for myself. Sounds healing!

Love,
Hope

[penelope]

hi hope,

your story reminds me of my sister.  She was a very good student in highschool and college (graduated in 4 years with top marks), but panicked after that.  She couldn't seem to adjust and decided to get married and have a family in lieu of a career after college.  I think in her case, the whole thing had a lot to do with being highly enmeshed with our N Mom & N Dad.  Was this true for you?

I feel bad for her.  The last time we talked she wanted to seek therapy, and I encourage her, but then I think the pressure of moving to Guam with her husband (not having access to a T there, possibly?) and then my parents upping their normal pressure, and resuming their scapegoating of me (prior it had been her for a few years) may have sidetracked her.  Having Ns in your life is so confusing.  Particularly when you're enmeshed with them.

hugs,
pb

[Bones]

Thanks, Stormchild.

I have been trying to sleep and keep waking up with nightmares.  This morning's nightmare had me dreaming that I had been called back to work only to be confronted, as soon as I walked in the door, with "We've changed our minds and have decided to have you arrested for trespassing."  I gave up trying to sleep after that nightmare.

This sounds like PTSD. Nothing to be ashamed of, but based on your other posts, this place where you worked sounds more like open source Marat-Sade, than a workplace. [I've been in similar circumstances. I have no trouble believing it.]

You may need desensitization.

I understand the problem with meds. You probably know most anxiolytics are much more habituating than people are commonly told. Have you considered anything like theanine? It's quite effective and doesn't seem to get 'hooks' into people, and green tea with lemon taken several times a day may be an effective starter dose to try. It does induce liver enzymes, mostly UDPGT, but all that is likely to do is increase your ability to handle things like acetaminophen.

Thanks, Stormchild.

I'll have to look up theanine to check for any contraindications.

Bones

[Bones]

Bones and Stormy,

  I had a similar response (nightmares, a nearly continuous state of anxiety and panic) immediately following high-school graduation. I think that's partly what propelled me in a very premature marriage in an attempt to escape the pressure of "not knowing" what the future might hold. This particular parochial school was so academically, college-prep oriented and SO lacking in preparation for life in the "real world" that I truly felt like a fish out of water when that season of my life was completed. I'd forgotten about those dreams... of showing up for class without a major assignment and being reprimanded (after spending hours working on the term paper and then "forgetting" to bring it with me)... of marking in those little dots on the answer sheets of tests, hour after endless hour, only to find out that I'd been off one line and so all of the answers were wrong... whew. None of these things ever happened in actuality, only in my dreams. The pressure was tremendous and thinking back, Bones... I'd suggest writing down a list of all the things you've done RIGHT in your life, big and small, and read through that list regularly, adding to it as new remembrances arise.
In fact, I might just make one of those lists for myself. Sounds healing!

Love,
Hope

Thanks, Hope.

Bones

[Bones]

GS, Hope,

In the jail cell, court was held three times a day:  Morning session from 9:00 to 1:00, afternoon session from 2:00 to 5:00 p.m. and evening from 6:00 to 11:00 p.m.

Well after the afternoon session was called, everyone in the cell started complaining that they were going to have to stay the night in jail again.  I just closed my eyes and prayed,  "I said Lord, you know I have two children to raise and that I'm a single mother.  I need you to let me out of here."  I swear in about twenty minutes, my name was called and the officer said they threw out my case.  I never even saw a judge.

As for the healing, it came in just feeling the feelings. 

I allowed myself to feel the utter injustice of it all, the horrible feeling of loss when you are treated like nothing, like your feelings don't matter at all.  I cried like a baby and said over and over again to God, my therapist and anyone who would listen.

I MATTER.  I MATTER.  MY FEELINGS MATTER. I talked about how much it hurt that they (the people involved) couldn't see that I was in pain and couldn't understand that I had feelings like they did too.  I said it would have been nice just to have someone acknowledge me and my hurt and stopped blaming me for their pain.  It was then I realized that this is what I wanted from my family when I was a child.  And it was then I realized just how incapable they were of giving it to me.  And I cried and cried over what I went through then and what I was going through at the time.

I guess it's like cleaning a wound of an infection.  The wound began to heal that very day. 

I can't say I know for sure that I matter 100% but I know I'm not where I was.

Bones I'm still thinking of you and I hope anything I write here on this thread gives you some inspiration.

jac

Thanks, jac.

I'm starting to recognize the components of grieving for what I never got from my own family of origin and how these latest circumstances are so similar to that.  Plus, I've always struggled with PTSD as long as I can remember since growing up in my family was like being trapped in a war zone.  I'm still having trouble with nightmares which is why I'm online in the middle of the night.

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Hi Pb,

  About this not being able to adjust post-school ... I think it had just as much to do with my own nature and inclination toward passivity/compliance as anything my parents did. My entire identity during those school days was in being a good student and a "good girl". I received college scholarships and chose a university as far from home as I could get for my first year of college. My parents drove me there, dropped me off, and then.. once again.. I realized that I was living my mother's dream, and not my own. (In fact, I had no dreams of my own and no hope of discovering any under the level of control she exerted within our little family.) She had always told me that her dad would not allow her to go away to school (this was circa 1944), so she'd not pursued higher ed at all, but instead she went to work at the draft board, where she met my dad as he returned from WWII. Anyhow, during that first year of college, I wrote to her my own miniature declaration of independence in which I stated categorically that I could not follow anyone's course but my own. We never discussed that letter, but I pursued my 2nd year of college at the local campus of a major university and although I lived at home, she quite effectively cut me off from any further support. If it was not to be her way, she was finished with me. The next thing I knew, she'd put our family home up for sale and had arranged a 2 bedroom apartment for my dad and her... with the clear understanding that the 2nd bedroom was to be used as her "sewing room".  As far as I was concerned, I was thrown out into traffic on the autobahn... a 19 yo with the street sense of a 2 year old. When my mother is done with someone, she is done.

Hope

[teartracks]

Dear (((((((((((((((((((Bones,))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm with you as you melt the heaviness in your life. 

[Stormchild]

Hope, you didn't have a mother except in the biological sense. And she clearly didn't want a daughter, she wanted a clone. What a price we pay for health.

[Certain Hope]

Stormy, I think that she's just a person who believes that by marching stoicly through life she is proving her strength. To her, this approach assumes a higher moral ground than the stance of those who engage emotions and empathy. She'd likely never admit it, but I'm quite sure she thinks of me as her daughter in only the biological sense.

  When I was 16, I subscribed to Psych Today magazine. Her response when my first issue arrived in the mail:  She thought it was just awful, all these people digging back into their pasts and complaining about their parents. heh

Hope

[teartracks]

Hi Hope,

Remember my Maude story?   Marching through life stoicly is only part of the story.  You are/were chattel.  Upon declaring yourself free, you became useless chattel. Nevertheless chattel.  Hers!      Your story could be my own.

teartracks

[Gaining Strength]

jacmac

Thank you for your post about your time in jail.  I have had a similar experience but what is so helpful to me is your declaration, "I MATTER!" and your recognition at that need going unmet in childhood.  The voice screaming out, "I matter" has catapulted me into rage in the past at both significant and insignificant slights.  I am so thankful to have foun release from that rage. 

Now I fight a "feeling" that has begun to have some names like "worthless" and "inadequate".  Feelings of impending doom which really came from impending (certain) criticism and belittlement over anything or nothing (just existing). 

I am sorrow filled that I have brought these feelings with me, long away from my father and brothers.  But I am presently thankful that I have begun to develope tactics to identify these feelings as false voices and I am working to replace these with empowering voices and thoughts such as "I MATTER". 

Thanks for sharing that painful memory-
Gaining Strength

PS - can someone tell me how to use the "quote" function? 

[Hopalong]

This I'm happy to pass along as someone did for me.

You open your Reply, and scroll below to the part of someone's post you want to quote. Using click and drag, highlight. [edit] PASTE IT INTO YOUR REPLY, Then go up and hit the quote thingy (it looks like a cartoon "thought bubble"--2nd from the right on the lower row of format icons). That will  "purple it" in your post.

Hops

ps--GS, sorry...screwed it up. See addition in caps, above...