Summary:
This is what I have gotten so far. We are not doing that bad. But if there are so many people suffering the same problem how come I get such a small response. There have to be more ideas. This is a good start. For a person like me that cannot afford professional therapy, I have to find my way on my own with your help dear friends.
We have a good start.
1-Replace the bad feeling with the truth. This could be done after the fact.
2-Identify the behavior aimed at you. How can I do that?
3-Learn to block the behavior. How can I do that?
I can do #1. But that is after the fact. #2 and #3 dont know how. They sound wonderful if I can develop the way to do it.
After, you identify what the origin is, then you can "catch it" when it comes and combat it with the TRUTH. The truth is that you are a worthwhile person even if your "feelings tell you that you are completely worthless. You got these feelings from an unreliable source- an N mother(probably)
Assertive training workshop.
Martial arts classes.
Toastmasters, Int. (no joke)
a) learn to recognize poor behavior, aimed at you, and learn to block it so it doesn't get in (instead of becoming overwhelmed and paralyzed)
b) Internalize the fact that no one has the right to treat you badly. That way you can become angry or aloof instead of hurt and victimized when it happens.
I am going to start writing every single thing that happens that cause the problem, analize what do they have in common. All have humilliation and isolation. Lonelyness and sadness. Victimization. Cant confront abuser, same way I cant confront my mother. I know that already.
How can I block before it happens?
Please help!!!!!!
I've just recently started looking at the world in a way that makes me feel "armed." I assume someone is going to do or say something at my expense that I'm going to have to respond to. I suppose I come off aloof. So what? I always have. The difference is that I feel more grounded. I don't feel scattered and guilty and lost all the time. This is BIG for me. It's been 20 years coming. I hope you can shortcut a bit from my lessons. Maybe you can.
When I realize I'm definately going to be dealing with a person who is going to say hurtful irrational things, I put on an imaginary helmet that keeps those thoughts from getting in. Don't laugh. It works for me, lol.
When I'm in the middle of a bad conversation, before or after it, I find it helpful to rise above, figuratively, and view it from a great distance.
I also approach the problem from the position of GIVING advice to someone else in that same position. For some reason, that allows me to make a jump into a different way of thinking. I suppose this could be construed as my not feeling I'm worthy of the same treatment and remedies as other people. <shrug> I'll deal with that later. For now, I just want to get grounded and keep gaining knowledge and coping strategies that help me grow.
I think you've had so few answers on this thread bc you asked the "more experienced members here" to respond. I don't feel like a more experienced member but I wanted to give you what I've learned. Maybe lots of people don't feel like more experienced posters?
At a class on communicating I learned that people who are mean to us are "transferring aggression." Think about that. Unhappy people like to bring others down with them. How do you feel when your boss blasts you? He probably feels better because he transferred some of his agression to you and now you feel worse. Those people suck, and you're not one of them.
It's hard for us to wrap our minds around people hurting us to make themselves feel better. We don't have to understand it, but we do have to anticipate it and accept that it's true. For whatever reason. Thank God we don't have to figure it out. Too time consuming.
Being mindful about sidestepping these people and filling our lives with better people is BIG. We can't always get away from them at work, at least I never could, but we can make better choices about who we let into our lives. We can make choices about how we deal with the toxic people.
I don't communicate so much with friends and family members any more. I was counting on them for support, but they weren't necessarily able to help me, for whatever reasons. They do love me and all but, they also have some weird stuff going on where they kinda want me to come down a few pegs. They don't necessarily condemn all the awful things my N is/was doing to me. I don't have to figure this out, I just have to find better support systems. That's my job. That's your job too, Lupita.
If we become overwhelmed, that's our responsibilty. I've known this for 12 years. This fact has been internalized for me and yet, for the past 6 months, I've not been able to completely control it. I do, then it comes and goes, right before my very eyes. I'm learning to deal with a whole new level of anxiety and pain and fear. I give myself a break. Cut myself some slack and commit to finding better ways. Just like you will.
So far, beating a dead horse is the best way for me to find more peace. Talking, writing thinking about what's bothering me till I've distilled it down to it's smallest most elemental parts. That removes the confusion and restores peace. It's time consuming and I have children who need attention. It comes and goes.
My T doesn't necessarily have any magic. What he offers is validation of my feelings and he reminds me of things that I find hard to grasp. You can find that here. He can provide some shortcuts but, for the most part he feels helpless with me, and that makes me feel better. You have that here on this board. You can keep moving forward with or without a T, Lupita.
If you help someone else learn a lesson you've already processed, it helps you too. Teaching is the next level of learning. I hope that makes sense.
While you chew on all this, start internalizing the fact that you can trust your feelings and then begin doing just that. It's a delicate balance to keep exploring our realities and at the same time, quit doubting what we should already know. You deserve to be treated well. DO NOT DOUBT THAT. IT'S YOUR JOB TO REQUIRE BETTER TREATMENT. This is a truth that matters even if you don't yet feel it inside. It will come. s
I think most of the problems we experience come from a certain amount of "learned helplessness." There are threads on the board right now that go over it. I find the subject uncomfortable and that means I need to own some of it. I'm working on that.
For whatever reason, we've been trained to let others stomp on our boundaries and make us believe we don't have the ability to change that. That seems to be the biggest difference between us and "typical, normal" people who do stand up for their rights. We have to convince ourselves that we are worthy, capable of protecting ourselves. Then we begin faking it till we get it. It's a process.
That seems to be the path, as far as I can tell. I also find it helpful to "file" people in your head and heart. You may choose to keep your N mother in your life but REFILE her. (Or you may choose NC, at some point) It's OK to love people the way you need to, even if it's not what they say THEY NEED or want or that you owe them. You can still love your mother and choose to have no contact with her. Whatever you need is OK. Regardless of what others say THEY NEED.
Your mother and boss, IMO, don't deserve your trust and they should be handled like unstable people who do you harm. You don't have to figure out WHY they do it, only believe that it's true and accept it. There's no changing those facts. Once you internalize it, some of the horror of the realization begins to dwindle then it becomes just alarming then sad and finally it's just a fact you've internalized without that overwhelming chemical dump into your system that makes you want to panic, feel like a victim and become overwhelmed.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOR TO GET THEM TO BE KIND OR DECENT. They won't ever be that. Give up that hope and change yourself FOR YOU. This is about making peace with your reality and building a whole new one. You can do that.
Remember... it's your job to NOT become overwhelmed. You can't control that boss or N mother, you can control you, your thoughts and responses. What becomes habit eventually becomes a pleasure. It's mindfully FAKING new healthy habits that's the really hard part, IMO. If we can keep it up, it eventually gets easier then becomes a part of who we are, and that's the goal, IMO. Fill your life with new things and people that build you up. Gain confidence and find pleasure through new things you were afraid to try before. That's a job for you to focus on now. It will help lead you to a better place.
Our parents didn't teach us how to set up and enforce healthy boundaries. In your case, your mother kept you torn down and living in a state of confusion. You understand that now. You can get un confused. You can find healthy people in your life. You can replace the bad with good. It's possible and you can believe it and work towards it. Sure there will be ups and downs but, know in your heart that you are going to feel better and find better ways to live. It will happen.
You should have at least one person in your life you can tell EVERYTHING to. All your flaws and perceived weaknesses, and still be validated, accepted and loved for who you are. That's part of being human. We all need empathy. You never received that. Many of us haven't. You can find those things for yourself and it's your job to do so. It doesn't have to be a T or someone in real life, yet. It can be this board and you can get the validation you need to grow stronger. Sorry this goes on but I wanted you to hear these things before I have to leave the house and be gone for a little while.
You've found this board and that provides a healthy model for finding safe people in real life. I think having people in our lives who tell us the truth is absolutely priceless. I count on this board for that too.
Saying NO to unhealthy people in our lives leaves room for healthy people. Very important to stop letting toxic people IN.
Being alone can provide the space to really grow and learn through the sad and lonely times we encounter in that dark scary place. It helps to make it through when we know it will be over soon and we will emerge stronger and more capable than before. This is a truth.
Eventually, we realize how strong we are and we get better at recovering and adding coping mechanisms. The ball begins to roll and we try to keep it on track.
Sometimes we go a bit off track but we forgive ourselves then get back to doing what we know works. Forgive yourself and be kind. Your worth it, that much I can tell you without any reservation, Lupita.
