Doubts

[tayana]

M and I are in our new home.  We have a living room and a dining room, and our bedrooms are mostly together.  And I at least have pans I can cook in now.  I spent most of the morning washing dishes  . . .

M and I just had a big fight.  It's forgotten now, I think, probably until tomorrow night when we have the same fight again.  I know it's only been two days, but I'm starting to doubt how good a decision I made.  M told me we should never have left, and that I only moved for selfish reason.  He said he hates the apartment.  He said he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't love me.

I don't know how to explain the reasons we moved.  I can't tell him, we moved because your grandma did something really bad, and she's treated me like dirt for the last ten years.  I don't want to badmouth his grandma.  I just don't know how to explain without sounding selfish.  In a way I think I was very selfish in wanting this place and wanting to be on my own.

He keeps saying the only things I can do to make him feel better are to move back to his old house, or find another house just like it.  I just don't know how to respond.  I went a cried in my room, and he came in to tell me he was sorry he'd yelled at me.  He told me the apartment wasn't so bad after all, and then five minutes later was going on about how he hated it.  I don't know how to handle this.  I thought I was doing so well.  I thought I was doing the right things, but now I don't know.

The worst part of it is, I don't think any of the rest of my family thinks I did the right thing.  My mother was here today to help move some things that were forgotten yesterday.  She made so many comments today.  She'd refrained yesterday, but today . . . she went on and on about how much she'd spent for groceries for me.  About the shabbiness of my apartment.  About how I wanted to arrange things. About this and that.  I just felt so worn down.  I didn't sleep much last night, and I was so tired today.  I made a comment about how much M had eaten today, and she said, "Well now you know what it's like to live with him during the day.  You'd think I run a restaurant."  I was just commenting.  I wasn't really upset.  It had been one of M's, not able to get full days.

And then M tells me he hates this place, hates me for making us move, and I that I was selfish.  M told me he would kill himself if we didn't move back to where we belonged.

I think maybe I am.  Maybe I did just do this for myself. 

[Hopalong]

Oh, hon.
Keep the faith.
He's just feeling the shock of change.

I don't understand why your mother is in your apartment?

Keep telling M, over and over, that the move was necessary.
It was a adult decision that you had to make, and even if he and his grandmother disagree, this is where M is living now.

He needs to help you rather than making it hard for you.

It's okay to assert yourself with your son, it doens't make you a bad parent if he shows anger.
BUT HE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT YOU ARE THE PARENT.
This may take some tme because you had allowed your mother take over.

But you can do this.

Hang in there,
Hops

[changing]

My Dear Tayana-

Congratulations on accomplishing a cherished goal. Get plenty of rest and enjoy your new freedom. Children need to know that they are safe, and your gentle but firm confidence and equanimity will reassure M. As for Mom, she is now a guest when she is in your new home, and should conduct herself accordingly. Now you can express yourself, decorate your home with your own things, and surround yourself with people and things that support you in life's mysterious journey.

God Bless You,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Tayana, hon,
I was just thinking that Doubt is exactly the legacy your mother has tried to force on you.

If you are doubting yourself, you are doing exactly what she wants, and talking to yourself with HER voice, not your own. Your own voice was very, very clear about the sane, adult, and healthy reasons it was vital for you to move yourself and your son away from your invasive, domineering and controlling mother.

You were right then, and you're still right.

I am thinking that it is no small matter, though, that you need 2-D support in building up a stronger sense of confidence and serious self-respect and boundaries. I am so happy you will be taking the Assertiveness Training course soon at work, but I hope you could step out and find support for yourself NOW.

Remember all those possibilities? Not just support for parents of autistic children, but support for YOU as a woman, as a single parent, as a person who needs friends and community.

They are out there. You can find them.

Meanwhile, we're here, and this is a great place to air everything you're feeling.

I know you're going to make it.

love
Hops

[tayana]

Thanks everyone. 

Some of this may just be that we were both tired.  I am so tired and sore from moving, and I guess M is tired too.  His arguments last night were punctuated by yawns.  I just didn't know what to say anymore.  He'd seemed to be handling it so well, and then to fall apart like that.  I felt like a total failure.

We are going to have to work on rules.  No more going to bed late.  No more being disrespectful.  No more yelling. 

A little rest would be nice too.

I keep telling myself one day at a time, one step at a time, but I feel like everything is falling apart now that the big hurdle is over with.  The doubts creep up on me at night, and I really do wonder how good a decision I made.  I just didn't want my son to live like I had with all of that criticism.  Funny now I just keep hearing all those criticisms in my head, over and over and over, telling me what a horrible, selfish person I am.

I feel pretty selfish too.

[lighter]

Listen.... tayana:

Are you really surprised your mother is manipulating your child and family members in order to make you doubt yourself?

I'm not.

I'm not surprised in her supreme ability to make anyone doubt their reality.  It's confusing, I know but.....

your job isn't too hard if you can stay focused.

M is a child, you're not.

Tell M that he doesn't understand why you had to move because he's too young but will understand when he's old enough.

Tell him that Mama has things under control and she'll take care of things.

When you talk to him about these things remain calm steady mama, no matter what he's going through.

You're the parent and he needs you to be confident and he needs to feel that you will make everything OK.

Don't beat yourself up for crying but don't do it in front of him or where he can hear it.

Every child has some difficulty with transitions, even small transitions.

This is a BIG transition and your mother has sabotaged it in many ways. 

It wasn't going to go easy.  You knew that.  I knew that.  I was just wondering when it was going to hit.  It has.

I thought it would happen BEFORE you moved out.  Surprise surprise. It happened after.  Who knew?

M will be fine as long as YOU'RE fine.  BELIEVE THIS.

Get centered with the decision you made.  Do you need to write about it some more?  Pro's and Con's?

It wasn't going to get any easier to move away. 

Calm, steady, stable mama does it. 

M will settle into a new routine. 
The new apartment will become familiar. 
He'll make friends and he'll calm down
because you calm down. 
It will come. 
BELIEVE it will come and don't torture yourself with doubts. 
It will take patience and you'll pretend you're calm and under control until you feel it's so.

You will feel it.

Taking care of yourself is the most loving thing you can do for your loved ones.  M is your loved one.  Not your parents.

Keep going.  You're doing great, (((tayana)))

[lighter]

Good Lord and little fishes!
Tayana..... dear.

I just went back and finished your post.... I posted back to you before finishing.


Your questioning your being selfish?

Ummmmm..... if putting a stop to your mother's ability to prey on you at will is selfish then YA.... you are. 

Nuff said.

[debkor]

Hey Tay,

Just new move Nerves.  Doubt will always sneak in there. It's fear of the unknown.  Especially when you move out of your parents house with a child of your own.  I had it when I moved out with my two kids.  My kids were very uncomfortable with it until they met kids and went back to school.

My older son at 18 was mad at me for his move when he went to college.  He went 5 hours away.  He picked it but was mad at me.  He was homesick. 

So I guess either way when you first move away from home no matter how old you are it takes time to adjust.

Which is better Tay.  M being mad now that he had to move (because he does not fully understand) or when he's older and mad that you didn't move him out (cause he does understand now).


It will all come together, not to worry.

 Kids will say anything when they are mad or have fear.  My mom gave me money to buy my own place after I was not with my ex and left her house for my own. 
When my kids were mad at me or wanted to (tell me how it was) when I would say clean up your room or your punished they would say, this is Nanny's house not yours.  Oh you think? Yes she gave you money to buy it. 

They just were mad at me and used anything to get try to make me feel bad and have guilt.  Just understand where he is coming from it will pass.
Separation anxiety is what it is I think. You are going to be the heavy now.  He will look for everything in you to make him feel alright although it will appear he wants you to feel bad.  He is going to walk on shaky grounds with his own feelings and move.  He may compare everything you do to G-ma and that's ok.  Remember it's just new and confusing and he will use whatever he needs to make himself comfortable even if that means *flaming you*.
Don't doubt yourself and your move through this.  He's just a kid and you are allowing him to be just that with fears, mad, happy have all those feelings (that are normal) but not guilty about having them.  Opposite of what your mom did to you and him. She wanted to create Fear/self doubt thinking it would keep you both around. Look at the extremes she went through.

She has implanted them into your mind for many years but they are her feelings that she projected onto you.  That is all.
You are not her.  M is not hers. She will survive, you will survive and M will survive.  You choose to be in a healthy place as well as for M.  Your mom made her choice years ago where she is and you don't have to stay there with her.

It's ok to feel afraid Tay and it's ok to have self-doubt right now.  I had it to. You will get more comfortable with yourself and your decisions.  Your like a brand new baby right now. 
Be easy on yourself.  Day by day.  It does get better.

Your are a good mom. 

Deb

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  You are having normal"fears and doubts.'Being a single mother is the hardest job .Anyone who moves( anywhere) feels awful on the first night. You feel lost and afraid. It would be "stranger" if you made a totally smooth transition.
   You had a huge life transition and you did it all by yourself.
   Your mother will never give you anything but "more of the same.",She only wants you to come"home' for selfish reasons. She  may have to face herself more if you are gone. I expect all the  N garbage is going to fall on your father.Let me know if this happens.
 She has to hate,decimate,destroy, tear flesh and suck out anything good. This is who she is. Remember the "worst" thing she did to you when you get weak. I do that when I get weak and want to call mine..
   I am with you,in spirit, Tayana. In the meantime,it's a mean time---------( BUT   you will get through it)            -Love    Ami

[JanetLG]

Tayana,

It's normal to feel anxiety when you've just moved house, but you're doing fine.

Your mother must be desperate to make you feel as if you can't cope... but you're coping really well. But it is really stressful and tiring to move, even without the added stress of having an NMother who isn't supporting you, but trying to drag you back.

I tried desperately to leave home for several years, but when I actually managed it, I spent the first few days in tears, feeling as if I couldn't cope - because that's what my NMum had told me would happen. It just took a  bit longer till I realised it was GREAT without her!

You'll settle in soon, don't worry. And so will your son.

Janet

PS Why has you mother been round to your place? How did she wangle that one?

[tayana]

Lighter, I told M while we were having lunch today that there would be no discussion about the move tonight.  I told him he would be in bed by 9 tonight and no more of this staying up till midnight.  I didn't get to bed until after 1 last night, and I had to get up early to let the dog out.  I told him we'd each had our say, and there was nowhere to go but forward.  He's very pessimistic.  I hope that will change with time.  My mother says he'll get worse when I have to go back to work, but I really think that once he gets a new routine started, he'll be fine.

Janet,  my mother has been bringing stuff from her house that I didn't get the day I moved.  I still have to go back for my aquariums.  I'm dreading moving those.  She called me at seven o'clock this morning and woke me up. 

Deb, I hope what you say will happen.  My mother told me she was doing really good until today when it all really hit her and she keeps having these little breakdowns.  I don't feel sorry for her.  Right now, I guess I'm pretty low on M's favorites list.

We got our television hooked up today, so maybe that will help.

[Ami]

I think that once you and M on to your routines, you will feel much better  .Also, if there is another child who lives near you, that might help M.          Love  Ami

[tayana]

I haven't met any of our other neighbors yet, and I haven't met any other kids, so we haven't made any friends yet.

[lighter]

Tay.... of course M will feel better once things become familiar. 

Once his routine gets squared away he'll feel better and so will you. 

I agree with you that getting the bedtime under control is the best place to start.  Absolutely. ::nodding::

You shouldn't be concerned you're not his favorite person right now.  That's not your role.

You're his parent.

Your job is to make good decisions on his behalf whether he approves or understandsm and he's too young to undersatand. 

He'll never approve of all your decisions, btw so best to get used to that now, lol.   

If he got to make all the decisions based on his comfort there wouldn't be a parent in his life, now would there?

It's not always easy but you are obligated to parent M responsibly, no matter.

Think of this as practice for when he wants to smoke weed in the house and stay out all hours because his friends do in Junior High.  He'll balk at many decisions you make along the way.  You can't let that deter you from making the right choices then and you can't do it now.

I think part of this is just being overwhelmed and part of it is the old script to people please....  giving in to acquire peace. 

You HAD to give in when you were a child.... or things got really bad.

You HAD to give in when you were a teenager.... or things got really bad.

Now that you're an adult, your mother doesn't have the power to make things really bad if you don't acquiesce, does she?  You have your own money, car, home and family.  You have friends she doesn't control. 
What power she has you seem to be giving her, as far as I can tell. 
Accept that you do have control over your decisions and life. 
That's pretty overwhelming too, when you've been dominated by someone like your mother. 
You've watched your father model the behavior you're breaking out of.  It won't be easy and that's understandable.
Do you understand that you're being the best parent you can be by LEAVING now? 
You will.   


Sure, you're mother will try to block it. 

She'll jerk M around and have him do her dirty work as long as you let her. 

She'll try to turn other family members against you. 

She may even call some of your co workers and boss and tell them tales about your move and how she views your behavior as abberant and unstable. 

She may make stuff up and it's up to YOU to handle it like the responsible sane reality based adult (and single parent) that you are. 

You have us here when things get tough..... and they will get tough. 

Expect it and don't let it deter your belief that it will get better soon. 

Believe that, even if you have to fake it for a while. 

Before you know it, you'll have a new groove in that little nest of yours and M will be dealing with his next set of adjustments. 

Every child will move into new developmental phases and have to deal with the transitions involved.  It's uncomfortable and scary and sometimes overwhelming.  M will make unhappy noises about his feelings, like every other child.  Be glad he discusses them with you and keep reassuring him.  He will be OK as long as you're OK.  Now take care of yourself and show M how to do it for himself. 

Modeling behavior will be one of the most important things you do for your child. 

You're doing all the big things right. 

Now concentrate on enjoying the little pleasures and model that for M.

Heck, show him how to create little pleasures for himself. 

Instead of just settling in.... create some sacred spaces for important tasks. 

Help him find an area to arrange his most treasured toys.  Help him do some new art for his walls.... or for your walls so he's focused on something positive..... claiming the new space for himself. 

Involve him. 

It's hard to remember to do that when you're overwhelmed and sleep deprived, I know. 

It's even harder to think of what to do if you decide you have the energy. 

Slow down. 

Internalize the mantra... "It'll be OK." 
One day, you'll be surprised to find you actually believe it, lol! 
And, even more surprised to find that it's true!

Create a little area for yourself to pay bills and keep up with paperflow.  Purchase some new yummy cases and files, Michaels just had a heck of a sale here on all their organization items and boxes!  Cheap cheap cheap and it makes me feel special to touch them. 

Sacred spaces for your bathroom rituals.  New Rosemary body cream and a new basket for it and other items that make you feel cared for and special.

I think investing $25.00 in a Votivo candle (my favorite now is Purple Passionfruit) to fill your new apartment (and new life) with a yummy NEW scent would be worth every cent.

You're mother has you focused on what you're losing. 

STOP letting her win! 

YOU control what you focus on. 
You control how you react to M's fear and uncertainty and he'll experience those things whether you stay at your mother's or not. 
Get centered on what you're doing and why. 
DO NOT ALLOW your mother to SCRIPT NEGATIVE THOUGTS and control M. 

Now carry on ((tayana)) You're doing great: )

[tayana]

Lighter, we've had a much better day today.  We made some muffins, or rather M did most of the making.  I just cracked the egg and took them out of the oven.  We were going to go swimming, but I didn't know the pool was closed on Mondays.  He was a little disappointed, but we are going swimming in the morning and also to the library.  I promised we would unpack his things tomorrow and get his room straightened out.  No fights today.  He did make one snappish comment, but he's been better since we have television now.

I do have my desk sort of lined out.  I'm trying to get our library/dining room together, and as soon as I find the paper, I'm going to have M draw some pictures to decorate the fridge with.  I can't seem to find the box with the paper though.   

I had my T session tonight, and my T told me I was doing fine,  I just needed to calm down and relax.  Take care of myself.  So tonight, I stopped working at five oclock.  M and I went to the Dollar Tree to get some things.  We took the dog for a walk.  Other than fixing some dinner, I didn't do any other work.  I feel much better.

As for my mother, we are going to have another confrontation here over what M will be doing the next few weeks before camp starts.  I'm trying really hard to turn off her insidious little commentary in my head.  I'm not always successful, but maybe I'm getting better.