How much distance do you have with your N mother?

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
  When I found out that other people had N mothers, it was the most profound sense of relief. I know how you feel                               Love   Ami

[JanetLG]

Dear Bella,

I know it helps to know....it would have been better if we hadn't had to have 'mothers' like them, though, wouldn't it?

Janet

[Lupita]

My mother and I write e mail to each other every single day. She writes me at least twicw a day. She says in all her e mails what a bad daughter I am, how much I misstreat her, and how much she suffers, so, I get disgusted every single day. I am practicing to detach, so I try to concentrate in detachment before I read her e mials. Then I answer, hi mom, god bless you and spread all his blessings upon you. Then I tell her what I ate, what I did during the day and then I say god bless you again. I feel obligated to do it. For me, that is almost NC. I do not suffer for her anymore. The only thing I suffer is the upset taht she makes me feel, but I try to ignore her as much as I can. My brother is the same.

[CB123]

Lupita honey,

That is not NC.   

NC is blocking her emails and having an entire day where you can think GOOD things about yourself without having to wade through her abuse. 

No wonder you have days where you feel so down that you can't see up.  No wonder it feels like everyone who snubs you is one more in a long line.  If you have to read two bulletins from your mom every day on what a bad person you are, it's like having an IV of poison directly into your blood stream.

Don't say you can't block her, Lupita.  You can.  If you don't--start by saying that you don't want to.  Then you can work on why you don't want to: what you need from those emails that keep you from giving them up.

Will you give them up, Lupita?  Will you give yourself a couple of weeks of peace and quiet before you start back to school?

Love you, Lupita,

CB

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lupita,

You are not obligated to take your mother's hateful messages into yourself through your eyes.

Please think - if she came to your door with a box of stolen stuff, would you be obligated to receive it and store it in your closet?
Would locking the closet keep her from bringing that box into your home? If she gets in through the door, there's her stuff... right there for you to trip over constantly.

Sometimes locking the closet isn't enough... we need to let the main door stay unopened. In that same way, you can guard your heart... it's the wellspring of your life, you know.

Love,
Hope

[Bella_French]

Dear Lupita,
I agree with the other ladies; that is way too much contact! You don't deserve to read those words (negative reinforcment is so damaging, hon) , and you don't have to answer to her (like explaining to her what you eat and do each day!).

But I know. Its hard to detach, once you are enmeshed with your mother. My little sister is in your position, and I ache for her. I sometimes think my mother lives to criticise her, flirt with her husband, and invade her life in every way. My sister is so beautiful and sweet natured; of all my siblings she was the one true, marvelous beauty amongst us-inside and out.

After all these years of never being away from mum, she seems to deal with it all through obesity. I don't know why; maybe its kind of like Shunned explained in her quitting smoking thread- maybe being the opposite of what Mum regards of beautiful is her sole means of holding onto her individuality?. Everything else about her life is controlled by our mother (as well my mother's money) . I wish I could wrap her up in a blanket of my love and take her away from it, but I know she has to find her own way. I love her so much.

One day my little sister will stop tolerating it; I can feel that there is is a strength to her in recent years. I can tell things are getting rockier, and that is why our mother is putting out the feelers for someone else to latch onto....partly as punishment for my sister, and partly because she thinks someone new to `mesh' with might be a better deal for her.

I haven't spoken to mother since our last discussion about her moving to my town. I hope if I ignore her long enough, she'll give up on me as her prospective new victim. 




 

[tayana]

Bella,

I'm sorry that you have a mother like this.

I've only just recently broken with  my mother, and I"m working on reducing the amount of time my son and I are exposed to her.  Right now, I talk to her only when she calls me.  I don't call her.  She calls more often when my son has been at camp, and then I reduce the amount of time I actually see her to once every other week.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but I was living with her, so this is a big improvement.

I like CB's idea also.  Eventually I'd like to put a lot of distance between me and my parents so they have no excuse to visit, and I don't feel so obligated to visit.

T

[Bella_French]

Hugs to you Tayana; I am glad that seems like an improvement to you (and it must feel so much better after living with her!).

I like CB's idea too, and I think this is the approach I will attempt. I am afraid of my mother doing something extreme if I just cut her off completely (like moving in next door!). I think its one of the most extreme forms of punishment a mother could suffer, and the thought of doing that to someone makes me feel so uncomfortable.  I could only do it if nothing else worked.

Its weird; I think I would miss her too. Shes still my mother, you know? I like our conversations when they are kept light and related to family news. I just don't want a toxic form of  enmeshment with her (as is her instinct), and I don't know how to communicate that to her in any other way than gently easing away from her.

Ami, I've a got a feeling that I will have to practice the `no contact rule' with her some time down the track. I'm not looking forward to that conversation at all! But if I have to, I will do it. Thankyou for your kind words and for your care, sweet one:) I love your posts









 

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
  I was kind of strong (lol) on that last post about no contact.
  Bella, many people tell me to leave my H yesterday,but I am not prepared to ,yet. Everyone has their own timing in important things like this.
  We can just take all the voices and then try to go in to our core and see what that "voice "says.
   You sound like you are  healing in a deeper way, lately. i am really glad for that. Thanks for your caring and  warmth.. It means so very much   Love Ami
 

[Hopalong]

Bella....

I am sad thinking about your sister, and you too...because you too have a very lovely nature, and a precious life...so easy to waste, fill up, clog and clutter with worries about placating the Nmother.

Hmm. I am definitely preaching to myself here...

But I think it would almost be worth it to make at least one direct statement: I think it would be disappointing for you to live here, because ... Oh geez, I don't know. Can you think of reasons?

Errggh. I hate the thought of her invading your turf.

Hops

[Bella_French]

Hugs to you Hops..that was such a lovely thing to hear, and so lovely of you to say...Thankyou:)

I know; it would be so nice to be able to just say what you want from someone and have them hear that, and respect it, wouldn't it? . But I never feel comfortable telling N's what I really want or really think, or anything that is dear to my heart. They are not respectful people, and they will only use that sort of information as a weapon. Like if Mum knew exactly how uncomfortable I am about her moving to my town, I think it would be registered as `important' information, to be used at a later date to harm me. It wouldn't register as something important to me, that if respected would improve our relationship. Thats the difference with N's.

X Bella

[finding peace]

But I never feel comfortable telling N's what I really want or really think, or anything that is dear to my heart. They are not respectful people, and they will only use that sort of information as a weapon. Like if Mum knew exactly how uncomfortable I am about her moving to my town, I think it would be registered as `important' information, to be used at a later date to harm me. It wouldn't register as something important to me, that if respected would improve our relationship. Thats the difference with N's.

This really reasonated with me - it is an awful way to live as a child, isn't it?  I had to be so careful of what I said and how I said it.

I am sorry you had this as well.

Peace

[jordanspeeps]

I am in the process of implementing NC with my Nmother.  I use the word process because I believe the best way to get your head out of the lion's mouth is to back out very slowly.  My mother has done so much emotional/financial/psychological sabotage to me and mine, it's starting to become humerous.  I used to be ambivalent feeling that she, too was the victim of an Nmom and is only a product of a horrible environment.  I have a lot of love in my heart and despite the mountain of pain she brought to my life, I still had pity and concern for her well-being.  I still have all those things for her, but I have to make a decision of NC for me.  She like others have said, groomed me to be her emotional compass and to relied on my love to keep me attached to her forever.  But when I think of the fact that in her ideal world, she could place me on a shelf or in her pocket available to her whenever she needs inspiration or encouragement, or a proverbial punching bag, I become livid. She has reduced me to a faithful servant and not the accomplished person I've become.  Never mind that I have a husband and a daughter who need and love me.  She barely asks about her grand-daughter and recently implied that I didn't need to bring the whole family on my next visit to her as she seems like she can't stand the sight or smell of my husband, a truly wonderful and kind man. 

Bella, I understand the cross-roads at which you now stand. If you must maintain some contact with your mother, you should practice some N-hygiene and put up what I now call the "shield." I picked this up in a reading that I've now forgotten, I believe it's "Children of the Self-Absorbed."  There is a description there of an imaginary emotionally protective device that you surround yourself with when going into the presence of your neighborhood N.  I have to remind myself to use this tool because often I'm already in a happy mood when Nmom catches me off-guard with her nosy, probing, life-sucking weekly calls.  When I forget to throw up the "shield" of flat affect and no emotion, I pay dearly for it.  Good moods, chipper spirits, not allowed.  I've learned to adapt my own personality into one that cow-tows and gives a crap when it comes to her in order to keep her vindictive, mean-ness from sending a N-bullet my way.  Frankly, I'm exhausted with her.  I don't think it's fair that I have to stifle who I am with her. No contact, sweet no contact, here I come.  Thanks for the posting, Bella.

Best
Tiffany 

[SilverLining]

My mother kind of senses these things, and she called last week to tell me (threaten me?) that she will move to my town to live. I just raved on about the high price of real estate, and the benefits of living in the town where my brothers live. But I'm a little worried. If she really does move here, I will feel the same way. I don't want much to do with her, and so I'm not going to have much to do with her.

I guess my question is: Do you think it is reasonable to have contact with your mother once every 3- 6 months? She has 6 children and a partner, so I don't really feel that I am the only one she needs to depend on. How much contact do you have with your mother?

 

I think they sense when a member of the network wants out of the game, because it threatens their whole program, even if there are 7 others to fall back on.  If one figures it out, what if the others wake up? 

Seems to me you have the right to choose the level of contact that works for you.  In my case, I am at 1 "stayover" visit with my parents a year and a telephone monversation (I call it a monversation because it consists of me listening to them babble about themselves) about once every 6 weeks or so.   They don't like this level of contact and are always pushing for MORE.   But I have come to realize I just don't get anything out of it.  I got tired of playing the parentified role.  I'd kind of like to reduce the stayover visits to an annual lunch at the airport

And its good to remember they have other sources.  N-ish people are good at overdramatizing any little slight.  They learn to survive with less contact.