Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Example of a Narcissist caught on tape?

http://beta.news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/texas-movie-theater-makes-example-psa-texting-audience-170925090.html

[BonesMS]

My school referred my family to the county mental health center because I was having serious struggles.  At the age of 13, I was suicidal, tried to starve myself to death, and would hide behind furniture and file cabinets.  (I realize now that a lot of my behaviors were on the autism spectrum.  Connect neurological struggles with an NWomb-Donor, who was also sexually and physically abusive, and the result is a NIGHTMARE!)  At the therapist office, she would proclaim herself and her NGC son as the poor innocents and that I needed to be locked up in a mental institution because I was the ONLY one with the problem.  This went on until one day she dragged me into the therapist's office while in the midst of a Narcissistic Rage!  The therapist spoke with me alone and I described what led up to this latest explosion from her.  Then he spoke with the NGC alone and got a similar story.  Finally, he spoke to the NWomb-Donor alone and also got a similar story albeit from HER stance that SHE was the victim and that I needed to be removed from HER house IMMEDIATELY!  Then the therapist called all three of us together.

Imagine NWomb-Donor's shock and horror when the therapist told her straight to her face...."This child is finally starting to think, feel and behave like a NORMAL 14-year-old!  GET OFF HER BACK!"  NWomb-Donor grabbed NGC by the hand and stormed out of the office, leaving me there.  She refused to go back for any more sessions and also convinced NGC he didn't need therapy either because there was nothing wrong with him!  As far as they were both concerned, the only problem they had was me and the sooner they got rid of me, the sooner their problem would be solved!  Sick?  Yes!

Hey Bones -- SHOCKING isn't it? Seeing it in "print"?

Reading your story actually turned my stomach -- because of the parallels to my forced visit to the "witch doctor" at 12... this would've been 1969. Like you, I was the "problem". Like you, I had some alone time with the doctor and she told my mom to "leave her alone"... which of course, she interpreted literally. When I tripped over this memory my first reaction was to be angry at the doctor who planted the idea and suggestion in my head, that I could put Twiggy and all her experiences/feelings away in a box. Once I had processed everything that had happened, I realized that this poor doctor - who had less than an hour with me, one time - actually did me a huge a favor; maybe even saving my life... in that she made it possible for me to cope and go on, until I could move out of my mom's house - and shortly thereafter - move to another state.

It sure wasn't the doctor's fault that it took me 40 years to get around to re-integrating that part of me... all those memories. My fear and disgust and rage were still pretty intense and difficult to "swallow" and digest, even as a mature, grown woman, when I did get around to it. It was really hard to accept that this was part of my life's history; a big part of me that I was completely unaware of for years... but when I did start to accept it, and let it become just another fact about me in the "past" - like the hexagonal granny glasses I used to wear in the 70s with hippie peasant dresses and beaded moccasins... - once I started to let this complete "being" memory fall into place for those couple of years - then all of a sudden I started to understand who I am NOW... and WHY I am the way I am. I understand that I'm never going to be able to tell my story of what happened to me, without residual anger and fear... but I'm no longer at the mercy of those emotions - they don't control me anymore... because I know what generated that level of intensity now... and I know that this intensity and what I survived are a normal, human response to that kind of treatment from anyone, much less my own mother. Despite what I was told about this same intensity making me a "problem", over & over again.

I'll bet you also lived off the scraps of validation for self, wherever and whomever they came from? My 5th grade teacher was a refugee from Romania during WWII... and she "got" what I was suffering from; she saw me change from the beginning of the school year; change from a normal kid into one who would hide in closets... and she understood that there was a reason for it, though in that day and age - where I lived - no one pried or else they believed the lies my mother told. This teacher helped me as much as she could and was behind the communication - the checking in on me - that happened from one of my 5th grade friends a couple of years ago via facebook. I guess we did read Anne Frank, that year, too... I've been trying to figure out when I read that. I was helped by people who suffered way more than I did - and yet they knew instantly what I suffered from because of their experiences.

I suppose though, one of the reasons my mom decided we had to move to another town... she knew I talked to certain people and she didn't want to have her lies exposed. And abortion was still illegal in those days - no matter how old one was.

I still say my mom drugged me - valium or whatever she had on hand; her own prescriptions - so that my memories would be fuzzy, vague and scrambled. So I would doubt myself and believe her "big lie" about what happened to me. But my ability to remember was way stronger than that, even if it only comes together in still-photos sometimes, instead of video. I hid that info - and am still hiding it, except here - although the idea of writing a book still dances in front of me, sometimes. I would REALLY need to be completely NC with bro - legally and otherwise - before I did this.

And I'd probably still be sued for slander.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((PhoenixRising)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm hoping Instant Karma gets those Bitches for what they did!

You have a right to your Voice!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Indeed, I do have a voice. And I use it more often, Bones.

But I don't think there's any magic, instant karma or ultimate justice to be gained by telling my story this way, for me. It's just another re-hash of the same old shit sandwich, and I'd rather have a crab cake! I have spent far too long feeling bad about what wasn't my fault, in the first place, to do it one more time... in hopes someone publishes and buys the book. That kind of "acceptance" isn't even attractive to me; it isn't what I need emotionally.

And sometimes, there are good reasons for "secrets". Sure, there's still a worry lingering that if I publish moi's memoirs... either bro or mom will completely lose it and meltdown and have to be locked up for their own (or my) safety. I'd be tempted to blame myself for this - no matter how unfair that really is.

No; this time - the secret protects ME. They don't know that I "know" what really happened to me. It doesn't matter if they want to maintain belief in their delusional lies or not; my mother's already given away enough clues to confirm truth, for me anyway. She's beginning to slip into dementia, I think - slowly; gradually - but still going. There isn't even a good revenge motive in this, that I can find and I'm not too proud to say that revenge has it's temptatations... unfortunately, I think the effort of telling my story officially, would only hurt myself - again. So there just isn't any point.

The purpose of the secret is to maintain my boundaries - for good reason; to give myself the space and time to actually LIVE a life that's free of the old crap and enjoy myself... for however long I have left in this life, to do so. The only reason I MIGHT write the story again from today's perspectives - and put myself through the agony of it again - would be for my daughters; to explain me to them... and give them the clues to explain themselves to themselves.

[BonesMS]

Indeed, I do have a voice. And I use it more often, Bones.

But I don't think there's any magic, instant karma or ultimate justice to be gained by telling my story this way, for me. It's just another re-hash of the same old shit sandwich, and I'd rather have a crab cake! I have spent far too long feeling bad about what wasn't my fault, in the first place, to do it one more time... in hopes someone publishes and buys the book. That kind of "acceptance" isn't even attractive to me; it isn't what I need emotionally.

And sometimes, there are good reasons for "secrets". Sure, there's still a worry lingering that if I publish moi's memoirs... either bro or mom will completely lose it and meltdown and have to be locked up for their own (or my) safety. I'd be tempted to blame myself for this - no matter how unfair that really is.

No; this time - the secret protects ME. They don't know that I "know" what really happened to me. It doesn't matter if they want to maintain belief in their delusional lies or not; my mother's already given away enough clues to confirm truth, for me anyway. She's beginning to slip into dementia, I think - slowly; gradually - but still going. There isn't even a good revenge motive in this, that I can find and I'm not too proud to say that revenge has it's temptatations... unfortunately, I think the effort of telling my story officially, would only hurt myself - again. So there just isn't any point.

The purpose of the secret is to maintain my boundaries - for good reason; to give myself the space and time to actually LIVE a life that's free of the old crap and enjoy myself... for however long I have left in this life, to do so. The only reason I MIGHT write the story again from today's perspectives - and put myself through the agony of it again - would be for my daughters; to explain me to them... and give them the clues to explain themselves to themselves.

I understand.

I hope your daughters don't end up repeating history.

[BonesMS]

Haven't heard back from the R.I.S.E. instructor regarding his follow-up so I've sent him an e-mail asking what happened.  Still waiting.

[BonesMS]

 

[Hopalong]

sorry you're in waiting mode, Bones...

Hope you can distract yourself with something that makes you happy.

Hops

[BonesMS]

sorry you're in waiting mode, Bones...

Hope you can distract yourself with something that makes you happy.

Hops

Thanks, Hops.

I've been working on a client's contract to help with that.

Bones

[BonesMS]

In the meantime, the waiting is so hard to do.

[BonesMS]

Finally communicated with my R.I.S.E. instructor via e-mail yesterday to inform him that I STILL have not heard a thing from Voc. Rehab.  He told me that if I have not heard anything more by tomorrow, Monday, June 13th, to please let him know and he will call Voc. Rehab. again to get this expedited.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Bones... sounds like the "problem" is less to do with you, your request... or anything remotely personal. It sounds like there's a lot of disorganization, chaos, maybe a breakdown in bureaucracy or procedures in Voc. Rehab... maybe some personnel turnover without a knowledge transfer or communication... you know? People try to "carry on" but can't because the whole org is "broken". It happens more than we know, because people do try to hide this with excuses and quasi-reasons.

At least, from what you've said - that's what it looks like to me.

I don't wait easily, either. I was told this was because I was impatient (well - but, Mom; you're delusional!!)... but now I think the real reason is that I was expected to "hop to" immediately - no matter what else I was doing - and respond immediately to demands from the MomBro... yet I could wait till hell froze over for either one of them to help with normal life tasks... to even answer a question from me... to make a decision. Other people have been amazed at the amount of patience I have... both for exacting or monotonous tasks (love needlepoint & enjoyed pointillism)... and with difficult people and situations.

But what to do while waiting? I've started to carry a handheld game or puzzle of some sort. Some places don't like this - one doctor's office had big signs... no cell phones, no games... and even with the sound off, I got some dirty looks. So I told him it was my anxiety medication and he "got it" and didn't mention it again. I'll bet you can find something like that, too.

[BonesMS]

Hey Bones... sounds like the "problem" is less to do with you, your request... or anything remotely personal. It sounds like there's a lot of disorganization, chaos, maybe a breakdown in bureaucracy or procedures in Voc. Rehab... maybe some personnel turnover without a knowledge transfer or communication... you know? People try to "carry on" but can't because the whole org is "broken". It happens more than we know, because people do try to hide this with excuses and quasi-reasons.

At least, from what you've said - that's what it looks like to me.

I don't wait easily, either. I was told this was because I was impatient (well - but, Mom; you're delusional!!)... but now I think the real reason is that I was expected to "hop to" immediately - no matter what else I was doing - and respond immediately to demands from the MomBro... yet I could wait till hell froze over for either one of them to help with normal life tasks... to even answer a question from me... to make a decision. Other people have been amazed at the amount of patience I have... both for exacting or monotonous tasks (love needlepoint & enjoyed pointillism)... and with difficult people and situations.

But what to do while waiting? I've started to carry a handheld game or puzzle of some sort. Some places don't like this - one doctor's office had big signs... no cell phones, no games... and even with the sound off, I got some dirty looks. So I told him it was my anxiety medication and he "got it" and didn't mention it again. I'll bet you can find something like that, too.

Thanks, PhoenixRising!

I know the Voc. Rehab. system is broken.  I'm not the only client who has encountered frustration with these professionals.  I made the mistake of assuming that the Voc. Rehab. professionals had enough training to understand the various disabilities that they would encounter on their caseloads.  Unfortunately, for adults on the Autism/Asperger Spectrum, Voc. Rehab. has NO clue what to do with that.  With this particular counselor, she has a history of NOT communicating when she is supposed to.

Bones

[Hopalong]

Finally communicated with my R.I.S.E. instructor via e-mail yesterday to inform him that I STILL have not heard a thing from Voc. Rehab.  He told me that if I have not heard anything more by tomorrow, Monday, June 13th, to please let him know and he will call Voc. Rehab. again to get this expedited.

EXCELLENT, pro-active, being-your-own-advocate choice, Bones! GOOD FOR YOU.

No point in obsessing on this particular counselor's inadequacies...you just keep calmly, determinedly, repeatedly advocating for yourself and requiring action/response...even if you need to enlist others (as you just appropriately did) or (always courteously and with no sign of anger) going over her head.

Bravo! You're being a great squeaky wheel. Know that old expression?
"It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease." And it's talking about what you just did for yourself.

Hops

[BonesMS]

Finally communicated with my R.I.S.E. instructor via e-mail yesterday to inform him that I STILL have not heard a thing from Voc. Rehab.  He told me that if I have not heard anything more by tomorrow, Monday, June 13th, to please let him know and he will call Voc. Rehab. again to get this expedited.

EXCELLENT, pro-active, being-your-own-advocate choice, Bones! GOOD FOR YOU.

No point in obsessing on this particular counselor's inadequacies...you just keep calmly, determinedly, repeatedly advocating for yourself and requiring action/response...even if you need to enlist others (as you just appropriately did) or (always courteously and with no sign of anger) going over her head.

Bravo! You're being a great squeaky wheel. Know that old expression?
"It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease." And it's talking about what you just did for yourself.

Hops

Thanks, Hops!

I'm hoping to get this resolved soon.

Bones

[BonesMS]

I'm hoping to hear something by sometime today.