Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

Spotted this in "Dear Margo" this morning, (July 16, 2011).

What's your reaction to it?  (I don't think Margo HAS A CLUE!!!  I KNOW WE DO!!!!!!!)

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"Sex, Lies, Politics ... and Kids"

"Dear Margo: I am divorcing my husband of several years, and we have young children.
A few years ago, he set up an account on a singles website and watched excessive pornography. This prompted us to go to counseling. He downplayed it, saying it was my fault. The counselor's conclusion was that my husband is a clinically defined narcissist whose needs will always come first. He is also an elected politician, so he revels in his (and my) kids being seen in public for image purposes. He started a romance with a co-worker, so I filed for divorce. What I need to know is whether a narcissist can still be a decent father. My kids' best interests need to come first. Any resources you might suggest for dealing with narcissists? — Divorcing the Narcissist

Dear Div: Why am I not surprised he's a politician? Many politicians are narcissists, or they wouldn't be politicians. As for fathering, I actually know some narcissists who are quite good fathers. Sometimes that is because the children reflect on them, but they can be good dads nonetheless. The "treatment" for this hyper-self-involvement is therapy, although, to be realistic, these people are most often impervious to treatment — in that they usually don't want it. (For this disturbance, there are no drugs, and some people so afflicted do not even see it as a problem.)

Should dealing with their dad prove hard on the kids — which may not happen — counseling would be useful; kind of a private Al-Anon for children who live with egocentrism. But kids have a way of doing OK despite the flaws of their parents. It is interesting that sex often goes with this disorder. Just recently in politics, we've witnessed it with Edwards, Ensign, Weiner, Sanford, Spitzer, Foley and Livingston. Classics, of course, are JFK, Clinton and Gingrich. — Margo, self-centeredly "

[BonesMS]

Just checking in........

[BonesMS]

 

[BonesMS]

Feeling upset about a LOT of things!

[Guest]

(((((((Bones))))))

I have those days too. Things change!

[BonesMS]

(((((((Bones))))))

I have those days too. Things change!

Thanks, Guest.

[BonesMS]

My sleep-wake cycle is whacked out, again, which isn't helping anything!

[BonesMS]

Had an off-the-wall situation pop up yesterday which still has me scratching my head because it felt so insanely BIZARRE!!!!   

I was online when my land-line started ringing in rapid succession.  An unknown number would pop up on my caller ID, the answering machine would kick in, the caller would hang up and then IMMEDIATELY RE-DIAL!!!  When I finally picked up the phone to figure out WHAT was going on and why this caller was blowing up my phone, I discovered the caller was one of my maternal cousins who is, unfortunately, an actively practicing alcoholic.  To make matters worse, she was already VERY drunk at the outset of the call!   

Being in recovery myself, her active addiction keeps my memories green and it is a reminder of what is waiting for me should I ever pick up again.  It is NOT a pleasant future!  Her addiction has made her homeless and, the other day, she married another actively practicing alcoholic.   

What made the situation so bizarre was that, at first, she talked about where she and her new husband are living now...which is not far from where I am.  Then they wanted to come over to my place and USE MY SHOWER!!     I instantly said "NO!"  Then her new husband gets on the phone and starts demanding money because he stated that my cousin "needs help".  (I'm thinking that they BOTH need help but they're not ready to hear my suggestions of going to detox and then to AA as BOTH of them were several sheets to the wind!  Not a pleasant experience hearing them both slur their conversations!)  I've learned, the hard way, a long time ago that when I attempt to reason with someone who is already VERY intoxicated, the only thing I'm doing is talking to the chemical, NOT the person.  It wouldn't surprise me that both of them contacted me during an alcoholic black-out and that they will have NO memory of that bizarre phone call later.

Either way, my immediate response to the demand for money was another "NO!"  From my perspective, giving money to an actively practicing alcoholic or actively practicing drug addict is NOT helping.....it would be ENABLING...and I have no interest in financing someone's addictions!!!  Call it Tough Love.  It is what it is.  I can only pray she will hit bottom and be ready to accept the help she needs for the family disease that is so prevalent on NWomb-Donor's side of the family.  As for her new husband, who knows?

I had to get off the phone after hearing them repeat the same comments, statements, and questions about five or six times WITHOUT THEM HEARING ANYTHING I SAID in response!  When I hung up, I felt like banging my head on my desk while wailing:  "WHY ME?!?!?!?!?"  ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Bones

[Hopalong]

Oy Bones. Not fun.

One thing popped into my head is that with assertiveness training one learns how to calmly assert oneself. As in quietly and without upset--calmly interrupting and saying, I am not going to stay on the phone with you now because you have been drinking, so I will be hanging up now. Goodbye. [click]

All of that, you can do within about 10 seconds of first figuring out that a caller is drunk.

(I learned this by spending hours on the phone with drunks, and feeling frustrated like you, afterward. Drained, frustrated, angry, helpless, sad, stirred up, anxious, hooked, baited, maddened, etc.)

I guess we never get too old to have to keep practicing. Ugh. (I just "broke up" with an alcoholic friend because I'm still so hooked by wanting to fix it, wanting to be kind, wanting to be supportive. Finally realized I just can't do it. It's harmful to me and not helping them.)

I hear you.

Hops

[BonesMS]

Thanks, Hops.

The really SAD thing about my cousin is that from the first moment I first met her, she has NEVER been sober!     At one point, when I was employed at a hypothermia shelter one winter, and I was subbing for someone else, she suddenly turned up at the door as one of my clients!  She was so drunk, she didn't recognize me!  AWKWARD!!!  Because of the ethical implications, I had to call my then-supervisor and explain the situation!

I tend to give the benefit of the doubt until I'm certain which way the conversation is going to go and then I get off the phone.  (Years ago, I sent her adult son some brochures about Al-Anon.  I don't know what he thought as he never responded back.)  I guess part of me is hoping that she hits bottom soon and asks for help from AA.  As a member of AA, I don't want to slam the door in her face as that might be the only thing that could save her life.

I guess a lot of what I'm feeling right now is wishing for the type of loving, close-knit families I've seen with my friends and mourning for what will never be.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Still feeling out of sorts.

[BonesMS]

I may be wrong and yet I get the impression that "cheerleader mom" is a Narcissist.  If so, the court just slapped her a good one!   

http://rivals.yahoo.com/highschool/blog/prep_rally/post/Court-kicks-out-frivolous-Title-IX-cheerleader-s?urn=highschool-wp3831

[BonesMS]

Yesterday afternoon I received a private message, on FB, from an individual that I strongly suspect is an N.  She has a track record of creating messes, lying to cover her tracks, attempting to justify lying when caught in her lies, and constantly playing "victim" when things don't go her way at all times.  (Sound familiar?)

Well, she started out with her usual:  "Feel sorry for me!  I'm such a victim!  My daughter has told me that I'm the worst mother in the world and she hates me!"  (*Sarcastically to myself*  "Gee!  I wonder why?")  I simply responded that she and her daughter are dealing with a Family Disease and some are sicker than others.  Suggested that she review the 12-Steps of recovery as she often brags about "being the best walking example of the Big Book".  (If she gets insulted because I inferred that SHE is sicker than others, so be it!  She's been known to do that.)

I refuse to get sucked into the middle of her sick and twisted games anymore.  I've got better things to do than be her NSupply.  YEESH!!!!   

[BonesMS]

Feel like hiding from everyone today.

[BonesMS]

Just spotted this in "Dear Margo" from Friday, July 22, 2011:

http://www.creators.com/advice/dear-margo/a-word-about-the-me-me-me-people.html