Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[BonesMS]

I was, most likely, acting like an N and, at the same time, I was feeling:  "Dag-gum it!  I'm sick and tired of N's trampling on schedules, boundaries, etc.  Time to do a sit-down strike or a sit-in!!!!!"

Bones

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I think you did exactly the right thing! I too have gotten to where I'd rather go ahead and do things on my own than to stay angry because of someone else's thoughtlessness.

My mother has always had to have everything done unreasonably EARLY. If it was a quarter til 10:00, she'd say "It's 10:00," pressuring everybody to conform to her compulsion to be early. Thanksgiving has to be planned in July. Every time I go on a trip, five days before she wants to know if I am packed. The implication being that I ought to be.

I have noticed the use (misuse) of time by Ns in general. In the case of your trip, the Ns use it to be late and thereby control everybody else. But also there are Ns in my life that use being 'way early to control others too. They try to stay out in front of everybody else by being the first to make their plans for holidays, by buying something for group use 'way before everybody else has even begun thinking about needing it, arriving first to stake out their place, etc. It drives me crazy because they are so focused on controlling every situation that by the time a normal person starts to think about something, they have already taken it over.

I have no idea how to deal with these time-suckers.

[BonesMS]

I think you did exactly the right thing! I too have gotten to where I'd rather go ahead and do things on my own than to stay angry because of someone else's thoughtlessness.

My mother has always had to have everything done unreasonably EARLY. If it was a quarter til 10:00, she'd say "It's 10:00," pressuring everybody to conform to her compulsion to be early. Thanksgiving has to be planned in July. Every time I go on a trip, five days before she wants to know if I am packed. The implication being that I ought to be.

I have noticed the use (misuse) of time by Ns in general. In the case of your trip, the Ns use it to be late and thereby control everybody else. But also there are Ns in my life that use being 'way early to control others too. They try to stay out in front of everybody else by being the first to make their plans for holidays, by buying something for group use 'way before everybody else has even begun thinking about needing it, arriving first to stake out their place, etc. It drives me crazy because they are so focused on controlling every situation that by the time a normal person starts to think about something, they have already taken it over.

I have no idea how to deal with these time-suckers.

Yes, it can be FRUSTRATING!!!!!

I do tend to be early at times, while trying to plot out a course of what needs to get done, when it needs to be completed, what variables could interfere, etc., etc. to try to find a REASONABLE course to take.  I've developed this habit in reaction to N's who are HABITUALLY LATE TO EVERYTHING!!!

Bones

[teartracks]

Hi Bones,

I think someone posted these a few years ago.  Even so, they are still great reminders...

tt


You Have the Right:

To receive emotional support.
 
To live free from angry outbursts and rage.
 
To be heard and responded to with respect and acceptance.
 
To have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.

To be called by no name that devalues you.
 
To have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.

To receive a sincere apology for any comments you may find offensive.
 
To live free from criticism and judgment.
 
To receive clear and honest communication.
 
To be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
 
To live free from accusation and blame.
 
To have your beliefs and your interests spoken of with respect.
 
To receive encouragement.
 
To live free from emotional and physical threats.

[English]

Bravo Bones

Aside:  Bones, is the Star Trek exhibit permanantly on display or will it be leaving?  I'm going to be in PA in December and LOVE Star Trek.

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones,

I think someone posted these a few years ago.  Even so, they are still great reminders...

tt


You Have the Right:

To receive emotional support.
 
To live free from angry outbursts and rage.
 
To be heard and responded to with respect and acceptance.
 
To have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.

To be called by no name that devalues you.
 
To have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.

To receive a sincere apology for any comments you may find offensive.
 
To live free from criticism and judgment.
 
To receive clear and honest communication.
 
To be respectfully asked rather than ordered.
 
To live free from accusation and blame.
 
To have your beliefs and your interests spoken of with respect.
 
To receive encouragement.
 
To live free from emotional and physical threats.

Thanks, TT!!!

Bones

[BonesMS]

Bravo Bones

Aside:  Bones, is the Star Trek exhibit permanantly on display or will it be leaving?  I'm going to be in PA in December and LOVE Star Trek.

Unfortunately, the Exhibit leaves on September 20th.  I'm not certain where it might travel to next, possibly San Diego.

Bones

[BonesMS]

I'm still hearing rumors that the Exhibit is headed for San Diego but I have not been able to confirm that yet.

Bones

[BonesMS]

I found myself having to remind bf Blueberry that my boundaries WILL BE RESPECTED OR ELSE!!!!!

We got into a heated exchange over the use of my laundry facilities after I received a letter regarding the increase of electricity use and subsequent increase in my utility bills.  He attempted to deny that he EVER offered to pay me extra for using my washer and dryer because, after all, he's already paying me a small amount in rent, and bringing me a FEW groceries, (while trying to whine about the rent being a "financial hardship" for him and IGNORING that his concept of "groceries" would be, MAYBE, ONE EAR OF CORN)!    When he attempted to deny what he previously told me, I responded:  "Oh, really?  Let me play back our initial conversation when you FIRST asked me for permission to use my washer and dryer after yours broke....." (and proceeded to give him a verbatim report)!  I reminded him that (1) I am NOT working and have been UNABLE TO FIND EMPLOYMENT, (2) my monthly pension is SMALL and CANNOT STRETCH ANY FURTHER, (3) I am dealing with health and medical expenses that are BUSTING MY BUDGET, (4) he is WORKING SIX DAYS A WEEK, leaving little or NO time for US, (5) given the amount of hours he is working per week, with his Ph.D. I KNOW that he is pulling in MORE MONEY PER WEEK THAN I'M RECEIVING IN MY PENSION PER MONTH, (6) with this recent receipt of notice that my utility bills are skyrocketing on top of my health and medical issues, either he pay extra for the utilities THAT HE IS INCREASING OR TAKE HIS MESS TO THE LAUNDROMAT AND PAY THERE!!!!!!    (He ponied up the money under MORE grumbling and protest!  I also discovered that he had done SEVERAL loads of laundry, while I was in Philadelphia and NEVER BOTHERED TO CLEAN OUT THE LINT FILTER IN MY DRYER!!  I had SHOWED HIM HOW TO DO THAT AND STRESSED THAT IT IS A SAFETY ISSUE TO TAKE CARE OF!!!  I DON'T NEED TO HAVE MY DRYER TO CATCH FIRE FROM THE OVERFLOWING LINT!  He attempted to plead ignorance and attempted to DENY that as well!  IDIOT!!!!   )  SHEESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Can I SMACK HIM NOW?!?!?!?!?)

Bones

[BonesMS]

He seems to think ONLY of himself and HIS OWN CONVENIENCE!!!!  He just DOES NOT GET IT!!!!!!   

Bones

[BonesMS]

I'm also having a debate with myself regarding my counselor-trainee status.

I just recently received a letter informing me that my trainee status is due to expire on January 1, 2010.  If I want to petition for an extension, I have to provide documentation justifying this extension.  Part of me is SICK AND TIRED of the politics that I struggled with for the past five years and I'm not certain if I CAN obtain the required documentation to justify the extension.  So I'm asking myself if I REALLY want to continue this futile struggle, dealing with age discrimination, etc. when my heart is no longer in this.  Once I let this expire, I don't think there is any turning back.

I prefer to be my own boss and I cannot be my own boss while being a trainee.  I've come to realize that there will probably NEVER be any place that is willing to hire a trainee who is:  (a) older than the supervisor, (b) has a higher educational degree than the supervisor, (c) being old enough to be everyone's mother or grandmother in the office and (d) continuously struggling with chronic health issues that make working full time impossible!  I'm just SICK AND TIRED!

Bones

[English]

(((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Bones, what specifically are you a trainee for?
Becoming a licensed counselor? Or therapist? Of what kind?
You're a trainee on your way to a credential? Is it LCSW?

I though it might be good to start imagining ways in which the NEVER
might not be true...

love
Hops

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((Bones))))))))))))

Thanks, English.

Bones

[BonesMS]

Bones, what specifically are you a trainee for?
Becoming a licensed counselor? Or therapist? Of what kind?
You're a trainee on your way to a credential? Is it LCSW?

I though it might be good to start imagining ways in which the NEVER
might not be true...

love
Hops

Since 2005, I have been classified as an Alcohol and Drug Counselor Trainee.  I worked for a little over a year at one facility before I was forced out and replaced with a fully-certified counselor.  I never could find out how many hours I managed to accumulate because my former supervisor would REFUSE to give me a straight answer.  (I also suspect that one of the factors that made them decide to get rid of me was because, with the achievement of a Master's degree, I have a higher educational level than she did.  However, they KNEW I was working on a Master's degree when they hired me and told me that was THE reason they hired me in the first place!)  Contacting the Board, to find out how many hours I have accumulated resulted in dealing with more "politicians" who REFUSE to give me a straight answer, even TODAY!  I'm tired and I'm frustrated!

Bones