Shunned's Tale of Twiggy

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I UNDERSTAND the need to punish ourselves.It is my most perplexing, frightening and frustrating symptom.  It Keeps me" in line" if I get "too big for my  shoes".It makes me "Mama's little girl" again.
  I see glimpses of the insanity of it. Then I can be right back in  it again --- before I even  know .
                                                                             Love   Ami

[Poppy Seed]

I read this.....and looked back at my pattern.  I really needed to punish myself.  I don't so much anymore.  And when I do, I stop myself.

I watch my children and they respond so much better to leadership than punishment.  I notice that my shaming voice is deminished when I refuse to punish myself. 

We are all doing so well with yucky circumstances.  Maybe everyone who comes to earth has crappy circumstances.  We need to be kind to ourselves.  So so kind.

Poppy

[Ami]

Maybe everyone who comes to earth has crappy circumstances.  We need to be kind to ourselves.  So so kind.





The Bible has the verse,"There is NO temptation taken you which is COMMON to man....(paraphrase). This is saying  that everyone on earth goes through the same basic emotions----pain, fear, betrayal,disappointment , insecurity, grief etc..
  So, I guess that we all have crappy lives--- What do you think?                            Ami

[Hopalong]

I think we all have crappy moments embedded in amazingly fortunate, blessed, remarkably lucky and astonishing lives...

just our being here, typing on computers, literate enough to read and learn, articulate enough to share good and bad, brave enough to use free speech despite the world's twist rightward, and most of us I feel sure...not going to bed in famine or war...

I think we all have amazing lives.
Amazing light.

Hops

[Bella_French]

I agree Hops; Also I think the `bad stuff' is what gives the positive things real meaning.

X Bella

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  I think that I got a big answer in the heart--( the only place that really matters) about WHY we punish ourselves.I woke up this morning with my usual stomach ache. It hit me that my stomach ache and other physical problems were simply a desire in me to keep my M in a little pocket inside me. It is a symbol that I really don't want to let her go, entirely. For me, she has three(or more) little pockets she can be in-- sickness, fear and "a chicken without it's head". The first one ,sickness, is my connection to her that ties me with a strong cord. I feel the 'tie". I am not alone. Her 'ghost" is with me.It exacts a price from me. That price is sickness. If I want her with me,I have to be sick.Then,I can take care of myself the way that she NEVER did(TELL me the sense that THIS makes?)
  The second one is fear. Fear was the language of my family .Even my Aunt has an undercurrent of fear,but it is not nearly as bad as my M. To be a member of the family, you must use the family language-----the  family dialect.
   The third is to have "no power". This is being a "chicken without your head". My M runs around in circles-- cackling. She does not quietly and decisively consider a problem and a solution. She just
loses it" and becomes unglued,hoping the answer will fall down from the sky.
  Actually ,these are only a few ways that I stay tied to her.
  I think that this letting go is the hardest and deepest part of the process of extricating our inner child from the abusive  situation.
  I am making very slow progress,but I am happy for ANY progress.The pattern of punishing is so deep that an "inch" of movement is huge,IMO
  These insights are  a small step in facing WHY I would rather be sick and emotionally ill and live in a fantasy world than be strong and have my own power..
  As I write it,I feel a strength b/c JUST taking it out of the dark is power.                                Love    Ami


PS I think that the need to punish ourselves will completely go away when we truly(from the heart) accept that we are alone. I am not there ,yet, at all,but I have glimpses of it. When I can "sit" with my aloneness,I feel "free" from the pattern of needing to punish myself.

[Poppy Seed]

Yes Hops!  Yes Bella!  I don't think everyone has crappy lives....just that no one is immune from earthly trials.  They seem to come in endless varieties.  I am just saying that learning how to deal with the curveballs of life with kindness and faith and care has been a lesson for me.  Life can throw whatever it has at us and we CAN handle it with the best qualities.  I am learning that punishing myself to keep myself in line.....well.......I don't suppose I need to say anymore about that.

In short, it is HOW we deal....not necessarily what the trial may be.

Clear as mud????

Poppy

[Ami]

I think that healing IS the gobbledy gook sorting itself out like a twisted ball of yarn. The threads become less and less  tangled until they are free.For me, the truth is the "untangler"-no matter HOW ugly the truth is( and it IS ugly,often)
  I see glimpses of the truth b/c I cannot "stomach" the whole thing all at once.
  I am seeing a really big piece now.My situation with Maria has helped me to see it. I handled this situation well. I step by step handled it like a "healthy person" with the help of the board.
  Now, I am seeing  the 'truth' of life. (This is how I am seeing it.I am not asking for 'arguments on it,please.)
  I am thinking back to therapists.I told one guy that I didn't want to go anymore. He fancied himself a "storyteller" so he wound these elaborate "yarns" that I was supposed to find a freakin' meaning in. One day,I said "I really am not getting too much out of this. I am going to stop."
  I can see WHAT he did to me . He used my fears to convince me to keep going. He manipulated me to think that I would be  sick without him. So,I  went for a long time . I really got NOTHING out of the whole thing.If I got anything,it was to get worse b/c I lost even more trust in myself. Another Christian counselor  "'sided" with My H b/c my H is a doctor and more 'important' that I was.. I see now how silly the things that he said were BUT I had lost my core ,so I accepted them.
   I see how I betrayed  others. With  Maria, she could think that I betrayed her.. She did a lot for me, so if she wants a few hundred for a trip-- she 'deserves "it and I can do it.(in her mind) I see how I was not a good friend to people b/c  of  my own pride . I look back and see that I hurt and betrayed people,too.
  In my life, My GM was the only person who did not betray me. She gave me unconditional love-- always It must be how God loves us.I think that it is a one in a lifetime thing(IMO).
   I see how my H betrayed me b/c I was very weak by then. By then,I NEEDED people to define me. I was an empty balloon who needed s/one to blow it up so it could have body and definition.
Once I got lost,I was treated badly in many ways b/c I lost my trust in myself and could not even SEE that people were "hurting" me with their own pride.
  So, I am facing that people betray you if they can. If you are not strong,you will be set up for betrayal. It is HORRIBLE,but it is the way of the world.(IMO)
  I 'knew" this at 14. If I could have retained it,I would never have married an abusive man in the first place. I would NEVER have gone down so far.. If I just "knew' this one truth about life,it would have been like my own bodyguard. However,I could not retain it.
 So, I went through a horrible journey. I found God. I did get a depth( Let somebody else get it--PLEASE). I am here now trying to pull a few threads out of the yarn-- little by little. I can see freedom up ahead--- thread by thread                    Love  Ami