Hi el123,
Oh so your in-laws are Asian....they worship their ancestors you know!
so i guess you've summized how closely knit such families can be. It is often prescribed to completely disengage from relationships with Ns..the consequences of this vary but there is almost if not always a negative reaction by the N. At worse rage..at best a solid guilt trip!
I'm happy you want to stay with your husband. It is quite evident that he is receptive to your dialogue with him and obvious that he has made good headway in dealing with your present predicament.
In my case, my ex-wife took a severe beating from my Nparents..i'm very upset about this because nobody deserves to be wiped off the map like she has been by anybody. I've always thought along the lines of this familiar saying: Every man is my superior. Ns think they are superior to every other man..they know everything, they are the victims of everything and they could never possibly ever be wrong! Very frustrating to live with this..and until the past two years I was caught in this game, and I played it well in order to survive.
I spoke with my ex sister in law this very afternoon. My ex-wife is literally psychotically depressed and living with her father at present. Terribly paranoid and absolutely unwilling to see anyone expecially a psychiatrist. It was disturbing news for me to hear. Ns can be so horribly destructive. Like most Ns my parents had their dirty work done by other people. Ns cannot be responsible or accountable to anyone but themselves, and even then in a weird and distorted way. I told my ex SIL that yes, indeed, my Nparents were/are to blame for everything that has happened in the past two years, that yes indeed my marriage was over.
I have someone in my life now and it's time, once again
, to move on. After forty years of living with these crazy Ns, trying to create boundaries, trying not to make mistakes, the whole shabang, i had to break free and start anew in an environment where they ( the Ns in my life) would no longer be present in any way, shape or form. It's the only viable option left for me and in my situation. I just can't take Nism anymore.
Regrets...at being once married to someone I still consider tops? No! emphatically not! Blaming my ex-wife for not listening to me and engaging my crazy N parents in this horrible fight? No. My ex-wife knew me inside and out, I told her everything, described my whole life to her before we decided to wed.
Guilt...have been made to feel this way all my life by my N parents who would transmit this to my various intimate partners invevitably and create huge problems for me. So no, no guilt..although I feel it as a reflex..but am fighting it with counter-attacks of self validation.
Shame...same as the guilt, they seem to go together. I am not ashamed of what happened to me, my marriage, my family. It just did. The only way out was to break free, as opposed to occasionally or should I say periodically breaking away..there is a nuance here.
Sorrow..yes, deep sorrow at having been disconnected from my true self for ten years. Sorrow at having lived half-asleep for most of my life. Sorrow at coming to realize at 40 that indeed " to thine own self be true". I'm finding out that this seems to be the cure to shame...loving yourself when no one else does.
Life isn't a recipe..yes you have to be responsible and accountable but living in and with such dysfunction is like being at war. There are no rules at the front, only survival. But I'VE declared an end to the war with myself. In my case, I saw/see/have seen the need to eliminate anything and anyone who ever has had anything to do with my N family. It seems that anything/anyone connected remotely to this sick environment ,where there appears to never be ANY healing, is doomed to spoil. I've come to accept that.
Therefore and as a promise to myself, i've decided that my birthday gift ( b-day june 6th) to myself will be to start anew. I've got to get it right for the second half of my life. It has meant losing out to many things, but there is an up side, there is gain in loss. I really feel that I have A LIFE. I think of Write who so generously wrote to me and said "good things will happen to you Nic!" And i've resolved to let them happen..and it's not easy. Not easy to let go of the programming. It's like all of a sudden realizing there is no Santa Claus. What a deception, I fell for the Santa thing, got over that but then I fell for my N parent's narcissistic bullshit!
So, to myself I say: Nic! forgive yourself once and for all. Many things are out of your control...will you accept that once and for all!!! And for God's sake Nic, stop thinking happiness, love ,sex, success, intimacy, peace and everything good is for everybody else but you! Live and cultivate safety, stop taking yourself so seriously, enjoy!YOU'RE ALLOWED already!!!!
See, this is the dialogue of a kid brought up in guilt and shame. And i'm so f___in' sick of it.
So el, i know how horrible you must feel sometimes, I really do. You seem to be very much in love and committed to your husband and children. Give it all you've got, but be kind to yourself in the process. I've failed to do that so many times. I'm resolved to stop trying to be perfect..i'm seeking balance and peace. I never imagined it would be so difficult to achieve.
I so wish you the very best. I'm sure good things will happen to you too! Stick to the truth and you can't go wrong.
All the best to you and yours,
Nic
