Loving Yourself

[Ami]

I used to think(was taught) that loving yourself was very selfish(selfish was the WORST trait). Now, I am  seeing that NOT loving yourself IS selfish b/c then you need to PULL love from others.
 I guess THIS is another example of an N mother's distortions. I feel  that it is  "wrong "to 'nurture" myself. It feels  like touching a hot stove.(wrong) I MUST have been conditioned by my M's anger NOT to nurture myself and I took in the message at a deep level.
 I am just seeing that the UNSELFISH person nurtures themselves-. Then, you have love and nurture to give out. Another crazy lesson from the Alice in Wonderland rule book of life.
 The lesson--loving yourself---is turned on it's head, shaken up and then becomes a HUGE distortion.
 The TRUTH is that I need to love myself as the foundation for all other love---- healthy love-. My Aunt and other healthy people KNOW this.They were taught this while I was trying NOT to drown under distortions
 Any comments on the subject would be very appreciated.                Ami

[Bella_French]

Thats very profound, Ami.

I think that most people feel encouraged and uplifted when they receive  positive / love energy from others, and that it is not, in itself, a selfish or undesirable thing. But when a person starts to *need* that positive energy, to point where they manipulate things or focus too much energy on getting it, it usually signals that the person is struggling to find a higher purpose in their lives.

Its probably hardest of all for youth, who have not yet figured out much about life. They get so caught up image and being cool, beautiful, or accommodating, but I suppose that is natural too. Its just a passage to maturity, I guess, and most of us go through it in one form or another.

Its hard to find meaning in life, and maybe its something that comes and goes, like the tide, according to what we're experiencing and feeling. Purposeful people do not let rejection, alienation, envy, and other undesirable reactions from people dictate their actions, nor are they overly attached to approval and love type reactions either. Purpose comes from within.

X Bella

[Ami]

((((((((((Bella)))))))))))   Wise words, Friend.                 Love   Ami

[Leah]

Its hard to find meaning in life, and maybe its something that comes and goes, like the tide, according to what we're experiencing and feeling. Purposeful people do not let rejection, alienation, envy, and other undesirable reactions from people dictate their actions, nor are they overly attached to approval and love type reactions either. Purpose comes from within.



Dear Bella,

That is all, oh so very true, as we are what we, and who we are, by what lies beneath our skin, and our purpose comes from within.

Love, Leah

[Overcomer]

Very true.  As a teenager you do everything you can to be "cool" or to fit in.  It has always been a balancing act for me with my mom.  What I wanted as a teenager was always discouraged by my mom.  Everything was wrapped in a Christian veil and "we don't do that."  We don't drink, we don't cuss, we don't smoke and we don't have premarital sex.  Gosh, now that I look back at that time in my life I did all four!!!  But certainly hid it from my mom.  Split personality.  Trying to be cool and not get "the look" from my mom - meaning - YOU ARE BAD.

Yes, the act was never bad.  I was bad.  So how can you love a bad person??  Even to this day I have a hard time loving myself, too.  No matter how hard I try I am still fat.  I consider myself aging in a way that is ugly.  Puffy eyes.  Double chin.  I look like my father's sisters.  They did not age all that well.  It is almost like I have morphed into an old woman......

But yeah, being labeled selfish because you want what YOU want and not what your nmom wants.  Boy, that can be ingrained into your psyche, can't it??  That is part of that enmeshment that occurs with your nmom that is so hard to get out of.  I have done it pretty much but I still have the residual screwed up brain that is very hard to overcome.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  You really "got" the dynamics  that I was talking about. So many things that are "normal" to people like loving and honoring yourself seem so foreign to me---so wrong..
 That is why I talk about them ,as a way to bring them out in to the open and realize how "stupid" they are---.bleh      Love    Ami

(((((((((((Kelly))))))))
PS  I am thin and STILL hate myself--bleh(LOL)

[towrite]

Jeez, Ami. My NM taught me the exact same thing. The only thing acceptable to her was doing things that made me "look good to others", as she did. Even if it meant allowing part of me to die. Which is what happened. Thank goodness there was enough of myself left to resuscitate in later life.

I think our NM's were very similar.

[Ami]

Dear towrite,
  It helps for you to empathize with me,towrite. It helps  just to know that I am not alone. Doesn't it help you, towrite?
Now, I am trying to reclaim my 'lost self". I really like the core of who I am. I do. What I don't like is all this shame telling me that I have to hide all parts of myself b/c they are "terrible'
 I am,slowly, being able to separate the two(the core from the shame) Love to hear your responses, towrite.             Love   Ami

[towrite]

yes indeedy, empathy helps. So does safety.